I'm totally addicted to my phone and screens all day. Insta, 4chan, video games, anime. I can't drive anywhere in my car without putting on some music or a yt video as background noise. I don't even want to set down my phone and go to sleep. Why?
Because I hate being in my own hate. Every time I start to think all I can think about is how no one cares about me. No one recognizes me. I don't even register in the minds of others, emotionally. I will never get what I want. I'm not even sure what I want. Honestly screen addiction is probably the only reason I haven't killed myself already. Like any drug though, it's getting less effective over time. Nothing hits anymore. Reels are all boring except for a few funny memes. I open youtube and can't find anything that looks interesting, despite the billion-dollar algorithms designed to spoonfeed me exactly what I want. I try to think of anime to watch but I can't even use it as escapism anymore, I'm too self-aware that I'm just using anime to imaginarily live through victories that I never have and never will truly experience. Funnily enough r9k is the most effective thing at keeping me distracted now, but it's slow. I suspect there are less than 100 consistent posters on this board, maybe even less than 50.
I try to detox but I just end up sitting on my bed for hours, doing nothing. I can't think of anything to do. Sometimes I go for a jog and do some pushups or situps, really out of habit more than anything. That's boring too. I feel little desire to push myself.
I've become a void. I lack the ability to even imagine a happy version of myself. Even if I construct images of the best possible future outcomes, or even impossibly good future outcomes, the thought of a real, genuine smile on my face is just... oxymoronic. Contradictory.
What even am I anons?
I hate being in my own head with my own thoughts
