I am so bored, tired and disillusioned.
I want to be stimulated, I want to engage with things.
And I want to have lots of sex with my gf. So much more, but sex is a paeticular focus, as it is also the expression of all the former desires. I am tired of being alone. I just want 1 person to do all of this with and more.

I am ruining my life. And I think I deserve it.
It's a convoluted inner conflict, in which I despise myself and want to make me miserable but at the same time I don't like being miserable.

I see myself and just hate everything, no one could ever love me, I'm disgusting.
I don't know how to change to this.
It's scary. It feels as if the only good thing about myself is this self-hatred, accepting who I am, giving into this being who I hate seems like the most corrupt thing possible. Does that make sense?
I am actively ruining my life, because I want to. And I don't know how to stop.
I am going insane.