Thread 33551078

Last month I actually ended up having my first kiss. I felt like a million bucks after. Even better I guess, she was the one that initiated the kiss. However, things didn't work out and she chose to stop seeing me because I wasn't particularly romantic enough for her. Which I understood because I am a 35 year old guy who has no experience in that realm of things. I really cherish the time I did get to spend with her though because she enabled me to realize that maybe I am not as awful as I thought? I use to think that my dating issues were a result of me just being naturally ugly or hideous or unworthy of even seeking out love. Maybe all that isn't true though because what would possess a woman to even kiss me? To even WANT to kiss me of her own volition? Anyway, what can I do to continue to improve?

>1
How can I improve being romantic I guess? I have never been a romantic person but I think thats because I haven't really been given opportunities to do so? I have no idea what I am doing.

>2
I experience a lot of shame and embarrassment for being 35 and not having had these sorts of interactions already. I have coworkers who are my age with teenage kids and they talk about their kids dating interactions and how they are growing up etc. I feel grossly under experienced and I try my best to never even speak of dating to anyone in case they ask me questions. How can I move past this embarrassment?

>3
What would have made a woman even want to kiss me? I never got to ask her but I was curious because to me, I am a horrible person with not much to offer. I felt so great when she kissed me and I felt the negativity sort of melt off me. A part of me sort of wishes she had never kissed me though because now I know that feeling and now who knows when I will experience it again.

>>33551078 (OP)
You learned an ENORMOUS lesson - you are not as unlovable as you thought you were. The thing to carry away from that is NOT "What was wrong with her that made her like me?" but "I did it before, so I can do it again."

At least 80% of inceldom comes from the incel ASSUMING he's unlovable and therefore unconsciously broadcasting vibes of "Don't bother with me - I'm not worth your attention." Stop broadcasting that message and I promise she won't be the last to notice you.

>>33551078 (OP)
Dating is a skill; one that you get better at as you do it more. At the same time, though, you need to remember that the purpose of dating is not to change yourself into what the person wants; the purpose is to find someone who likes you as you already are: if they don't, you break up and find someone else. Remember as well that rejections and breakups are an essential part of the process of finding the right person: they're not a dating failure, they're a vital part of the dating process.

>>33551492
>At least 80% of inceldom comes from the incel ASSUMING he's unlovable and therefore unconsciously broadcasting vibes of "Don't bother with me - I'm not worth your attention." Stop broadcasting that message and I promise she won't be the last to notice you.
Speaking as a former incel: this is true.

>>33551492
>At least 80% of inceldom comes from the incel ASSUMING he's unlovable and therefore unconsciously broadcasting vibes of "Don't bother with me - I'm not worth your attention." Stop broadcasting that message and I promise she won't be the last to notice you.
What do you do when that message is confirmed dozens of times over 15 years by totally different women that didn't know each other in different cities and life situations? How do you stop broadcasting that vibe then? How do you honestly believe anything different than what objective facts have shown you the whole time you've been trying?

>>33551078 (OP)
Hey bro, I am your age and even tho I'm a tad more experienced, I am still greener that an Irish kid's snot. If it makes you feel any better, no woman I have dated ever gave ME the first kiss so you definitely have some charms.
Good for you to realize looks aren't the whole game. Girls can turn on, and off, in a heartbeat, they are looking for what's on the inside.
>How can I improve being romantic I guess
Good question. It's about showing you care about her. Share what you do during the day. Share how you feel. Spend some time thinking about something she'd like you to bring her. Hand craft her something, a drawing, a writing. Learn about what she likes (ask, and actively listen) and surprise her with a kickass birthday plan, or a gift.

>>33551661
>What do you do when that message is confirmed dozens of times over 15 years by totally different women that didn't know each other in different cities and life situations?
(NTA) What do you do? You make the effort to understand that you've got the cause and effect backwards. You are being rejected because every single part of your body is practically screaming "I'm unlovable". Women pick up on that and reject you because of it. The only way to get around this is to deliberately and consciously change your appearance (e.g. grooming, the way you dress), your posture, your gestures, your choice of words, your tone of voice, etc. etc. to authentically mimic a person who doesn't hate himself. Think of it like a stage performance: how does your character dress? how does he walk? how does he smile? how does he laugh? how does he wear his hair? And so on. What you *believe* is irrelevant; what matters is how you come across.

Once you learn how to do this, women will start treating you differently; and from that point on, because you know you actually *do* have a chance, you will start to acquire some *genuine* confidence.

And yes, I am speaking from experience. Everything incels think they know about women and what women want is wrong. And the key to escaping inceldom (as I did) is to start challenging those beliefs.

>>33551844
The hardest part about challenging incel talking points is that a lot of it seems really really true. If someone who is on the incel spectrum says "You know women have it easy when it comes to dating right?" How do you ever refute that in a way that wouldn't be illogical? Because anyone looking will find that sure women definitely do have it more easy when it comes to securing dates and getting opportunities to date.

>>33553241
>"You know women have it easy when it comes to dating right?" How do you ever refute that in a way that wouldn't be illogical?
First of all, ask women that are dating. If you don't know any, accounts from their point of view are easy enough to find on the internet.
Unsurprisingly, many will tell you dating is hard, as it turns out, this game being gender asymmetrical means that women often find their own goals and challenges when dating are different than those for men.
For example, women I've talked to irl, they have all complained about

a) Random guys creeping them out, like aggressively harassing them or their friends on the street. And no, I'm not talking about men taking the fedora off and saying "such a lovely day to meet a special someone", but randos yelling, chasing after them and insulting them. This makes women wary of men in general, as they are usually bigger and physically intimidating, safety is a first and foremost concern for them, they aren't about to meet with some rando and let them take them to a secondary location right off the bat

b) Single geared mind guys. Here's another example of the asymmetry I mentioned earlier. An incel might think having a hookup with a rando would make for a good date. Women I've talked to, however, will say that it's just not enjoyable with someone they don't feel safe with, or doesn't know how they specifically work (some women are just hard to get in the mood...)

>>33551492
>At least 80% of inceldom comes from the incel ASSUMING he's unlovable
Heed this man's wisdom for he speaks truth. I thought I was an unlovable loser, turns out I was just a pussy too afraid to put myself out there and risk rejection. Only women will be saved by someone else, as a man you must save yourself.

>>33551078 (OP)
>Last month I actually ended up having my first kiss. I felt like a million bucks after. Even better I guess, she was the one that initiated the kiss. However, things didn't work out and she chose to stop seeing me because I wasn't particularly romantic enough for her. Which I understood because I am a 35 year old guy who has no experience in that realm of things. I really cherish the time I did get to spend with her though because she enabled me to realize that maybe I am not as awful as I thought? I use to think that my dating issues were a result of me just being naturally ugly or hideous or unworthy of even seeking out love. Maybe all that isn't true though because what would possess a woman to even kiss me? To even WANT to kiss me of her own volition? Anyway, what can I do to continue to improve?

repeat the cycle anon and build up XP until you find someone. There's no preset number of times you will do this, and sometimes it will hurt, but everyone plays the game.


>>33551635
This. Especially true for late starters like OP. Younger people are way more durable in that way.