Thread 33675532

recently I've started getting horrible intrusive thoughts of her being intimate with her previous bfs and it makes me feel like fucking shit and ruins my day. and I think its because my gf recently opened up about her shitty romantic past

>ex who was absolutely shit. had major drinking issues, was "previously" a serial cheater, once forced another girl to abort, and one time sneakily removed the condom without her permission
>another ex was an egotistic asshole who was a coward. said he had to break up with her because his family would never accept her being not white (she's a halfu)
>a guy she knew from high school. they went on a few dates, he lovebombed her, she felt this rush of emotions, they had sex, then he ghosted her. she said it was such a horrible feeling having sex with someone she didn't have a real connection with, like it felt like she was giving a part of herself to someone that didn't deserve it.

like I appreciate her being comfortable enough to share these vulnerable thoughts and experience with me, but for whatever reason it's fucking with me on the day to day and I can't get these thoughts of her being with these horrible people out of my head. I see her dressed in a cute sundress and I'm thinking oh no those bfs saw her like that. she sends me links to cute couples activities and I think ah fuck she probably did all this shhit with those terrible people too. the worst is last night when she was going down on my going all sloppy and im thinking oh shit did she do this to that guy she knew from high school (she even knew something was up because I instantly lost my erection when that intrusive thought same to me but i said I just had to pee)

anyway how do I manage these shitty fucking thoughts. idk what tf is wrong with me, cuz everythings great, our sex life is great, we see and speak to each other all the time. help please, wise anons, this shit fucking ruining my life

our gf

accept that your gf is a whore or break up
i'm not going to tell you to stop being "insecure" or other bullshit, your reaction is entirely natural

>>33675532 (OP)
Been there, done that.

Essentially, you have low self-esteem. It sounds like you’re comparing yourself to these “bad boys” (they’re weak compared to real evil) who managed to deceive her and still get laid.
>Now you’re getting a bj and thinking of dudes.

Compare that to yourself, where you’re doing your best but don’t feel enough to not associate these men with “defiling” her. Or, that she’s somehow tainted because she was exploring those early sexual relationships we all go through.

My advice is unorthodox, so take it with a grain of salt:
Reframe all those past events of hers as if they all lead to you. This solves your self esteem issues AND gives you a new narrative. She’s not giving you great head because she learned it from blowing an alcoholic with whiskey dick. Instead, the reframe is that she had to endure those inadequate relationships to meet a person like you, the REAL recipient of great intimacy that you DESERVE. You’re the prize and she has to endure abuse to find a person who loves her like you do.

You should talk to her and explain what’s going on. You’re having the same after effects of finding someone’s body count. Make it clear that you are having intrusive thoughts of not being enough. Women tend to love this, as it shows your devotion and your recognition that you’re always improving to be a better boyfriend in her life.

>>33675669
>you have low self-esteem
aaaaaand here it comes

>>33675669
Thank you my guy, really appreciate this. I'll try reframing the narrative in my head

These thoughts are super irrational cuz obviously they sucked as bfs, she's grown a lot since then, and she's clearly mentioned she loves me more than anyone else and that her love for me is incomparable

Even if I were to consider the sex stuff, we've clearly done a lot of freaky shit together she'd never done before, phone sex, swallowing, hair pulling, in fact she didn't know she could cum through penetration before me.

idk I think I just never wanted to even consider the fact my gf had been intimate before, like obviously she has and I'm cool with her having a past (ofc within reason), but idk something about this bothers me and idk what. like before, I knew she had shitty exes and experiences on a high level and it never bothered me, but now, after she mentioned revealed some of the negative sexual experiences she's had, I'm like "forced" to think of her in a sexual way with her past, you know what I mean? it's fucking weird man. I just wanna go back to only thinking of us

>She’s not giving you great head because she learned it from blowing an alcoholic with whiskey dick.
honestly she was kinda meh at sex when we started, princess stuff, tooth bjs, painful fucking handjobs. she's only gotten good at going down on me because I was patient and taught her how to please me and taught her how to enjoy it herself.

>Essentially, you have low self-esteem
Yeah, I think you're right there too. hopefully if I work on my own self esteem and we deepen our relationship and connection, I can get past these intrusive fucking thoughts

>>33675717
This reply alone by you already is fixing your self-esteem. Good work and may this be the first of many victories.

I’ll go even further: do even freakier sex shit, especially stuff she secretly loves, stuff you like, or stuff that’s she’s never done before. This puts your own unique twist and leaves your own more-significant mark on her history so that even the faint memory of these dudes you’re “competing” with is like “eh”.

Freaky is relative and your own tastes will determine what’s permissible, but a woman who loves you will do almost anything, especially when aroused and in “sub space”. That’s how these substandard dudes got away with violating her.

I used to do this with an ex, where I’d constantly change up sexual styles to redefine what intimacy actually is. Not to get too candid, but try unorthodox stuff like:
>spitting in her mouth or in her face
>rough sex
>slapping her face with your dick
>forced orgasms while tied up
>leaving bruises on semi-visible areas like collar bone (and telling her you claim her as your own)
>forcing her to wear a butt plug or just stick things up her vagina for safekeeping

All of these things are uniquely yours and you can shift the narrative each time. The story is now: This woman has never had a man so sexually fulfill her like I do. If she leaves you, she’ll be alpha-widowed.

Best of all, you’ll be in bed competing with yourself and your thought loops will be about one-upping your last performance? After all, who else spits on her asshole like you do? That’s right, no one

Never fight intrusive thoughts. You make them worse.

>>33675532 (OP)
You can push those thoughts out of your mind by replacing them with others - like picturing your mother having sex

>>33676605
nta so what does someone do if not fight them? indulge them? logic your way out? distract them?

>>33676782
you just live with them, don't give importance to them, like it's someone you don't care about speaking some nonsense, it doesn't even register

>>33675669
>what I love about your past babe, is that it led you to me

Absolutely devastating.

>>33676782
Do nothing. Let them happen. They're involuntary. Eventually they go away if you don't react.

Is this your first gf?
Generally this will bug you less and less as you get more experience and go around the block yourself with different women a few times. You'll understand you had those moments too. Sure your GF might have been giving sloppy head to some other guy, but you at some point were railing another chick and making her suck the vagina juices off your dick after. Same thing goes for all the date activities and shit.
You can always have dealbreakers, sure if she dated an actual criminal or had a train run on her I think most reasonable guys would break up with a girl. In your case she has a pretty normal sexual past all things considered, most women get taken advantage of at least once because (and I say this with no malice) they are stupid little things.

I hate to say it though, this relationship might be cooked. I got into a similar situation with my first gf, I was an insecure virgin and her past relationship before me was with a gross and sketchy much older dude she met online. I felt like someone like that didn't "deserve" her. I tried holding onto her, taking a "break" to see other women, eventually she got sick of me treating her like shit and broke up with me. I wish I had the balls to just break it off when I found out, and sadly it seems like it might be time for you to do the same. I recently broke off a relationship because of a sexual past dealbreaker, and while I'm lonely and beating off all the time I don' regret not repeating my past mistakes. Other women will come along.

>>33676873
>>33677031
If OP's an obsessive, ruminative type this won't work
Not everyone has that zenmaster mindset or can even cultivate it.

>>33677242
then what can I do anon?

>>33677231
>Is this your first gf?
she is my fourth (and final) gf but I know what you mean anon. my first gf was kinda a whore (fucked like 7 people at 19, had sex with a rando black dude on a trip abroad [and complained his dick was smaller than she expected], etc etc). I tried to make it work but exactly as you said, it wasn't possible for me to work it out then so I broke up

with my now gf, honestly I think it's just me problem and not her. I think its just this what I said here>>33675717

>idk I think I just never wanted to even consider the fact my gf had been intimate before, like obviously she has and I'm cool with her having a past (ofc within reason), but idk something about this bothers me and idk what. like before, I knew she had shitty exes and experiences on a high level and it never bothered me, but now, after she mentioned revealed some of the negative sexual experiences she's had, I'm like "forced" to think of her in a sexual way with her past, you know what I mean?

man your stories remind me of me going on dates with many women with weird sexual pasts (giving blowjobs at 13, weird bondage, repugnant cheating, faking pregnancies with the wrong person) that I instantly would say no to. my gf is a normal girl, thank christ. it's only been normal bf-gf type intimate stuff in her past. in fact, I was the first she agreed to swallow and also the first dick she actually came to with penetration.

>I recently broke off a relationship because of a sexual past dealbreaker
dare I ask anon

>>33677242
Yes it will work lol
That's the whole point of doing it. Its just harder at first and will take a longer time to learn for people like that.
Obsessive thoughts aren't normal.

>>33677425
Well sounds like lack of experience isn't the issue then, 4 is a good number and it sounds like you're about body matched.
If you're willing to acknowledge it's a personal hangup then yeah maybe there is a chance of you working on it.
My advice is to not discuss it or bring it up again and see where that gets you. Maybe even spend some time apart from her, not like taking a "break" but maybe going on a trip to see family or something, some healthy distance to make the heart grow fonder.
>dare I ask anon
She fucked the streamer Destiny after one of her breakups, she was in his discord and they were "friends" lol. It's funny to me now but my initial reaction was visceral disgust.
It was on top of a bunch of other red flags, like being on anti-depressants, being older than me, having "dated" black guys (I've dated black women so I brushed it off), being a cat lady with frozen eggs. But she was pretty for her age and she was a very generous lover but looking back it was probably baby rabies.

Anyway I've been single for like half a year now but I don't regret it, rather be single than have the knowledge I'm having Destiny's sloppy seconds.

>>33680396
>4 is a good number and it sounds like you're about body matched
Yeah our body counts are both 5 inclusive, and she's always had sex within relationships, barring that one guy who she wanted to date anyway but now regrets having sex with. We both agree that sex without love is shitty af.

>not discuss it or bring it up again and see where that gets you.
>some healthy distance to make the heart grow fonder.
Yeah that's fair my guy. She is a great girl in all honesty, and I fully intend to work on myself and make this work till the end

>my initial reaction was visceral disgust.
I'm with you man, that woman is fucking yucky. you made the right call.

I once had a date tell me how she slept with a senior colleague at work who was married and had kids. dug deeper and found out her dad was a major cheat growing up, and it all made sense. its crazy how shitty parents are connected to so much shit in life. disgusting woman either way.

>rather be single than have the knowledge I'm having Destiny's sloppy seconds.
kek I never imagined id read a sentence like this, but yeah mate good on ya. there's always good women out there, don't settle for slop

>>33675532 (OP)
you have a girlfriend and you complain? Holy fucking jesus.

Yeah, women will fuck retarded men and then complain like it's their fault in the first place. Fucking sluts.

Don't listen to this shit. Make it clear that it's not your business that she feels remorse for being a whore.