>>33675532
Been there, done that.
Essentially, you have low self-esteem. It sounds like you’re comparing yourself to these “bad boys” (they’re weak compared to real evil) who managed to deceive her and still get laid.
>Now you’re getting a bj and thinking of dudes.
Compare that to yourself, where you’re doing your best but don’t feel enough to not associate these men with “defiling” her. Or, that she’s somehow tainted because she was exploring those early sexual relationships we all go through.
My advice is unorthodox, so take it with a grain of salt:
Reframe all those past events of hers as if they all lead to you. This solves your self esteem issues AND gives you a new narrative. She’s not giving you great head because she learned it from blowing an alcoholic with whiskey dick. Instead, the reframe is that she had to endure those inadequate relationships to meet a person like you, the REAL recipient of great intimacy that you DESERVE. You’re the prize and she has to endure abuse to find a person who loves her like you do.
You should talk to her and explain what’s going on. You’re having the same after effects of finding someone’s body count. Make it clear that you are having intrusive thoughts of not being enough. Women tend to love this, as it shows your devotion and your recognition that you’re always improving to be a better boyfriend in her life.