Thread 33687803

>>33687803 (OP)
I hate that I'm so disillusioned with women that I'm actually considering having guys take care of my needs. I'm embarrassed but at the same time past the point of caring.

I need to starve myself

I wasted the counselor's time when i told her about my overreaction to being groped once as a kid
Sorry

I made this coffee so good. This is the best coffee I've ever had in my life.

I'm careful not to show it in front of them, but I love my pets more than my children.

I have to condition myself not to say too much too soon.

i miss little ceasars being a 3 min drive from my house. it's over.

it's over.

It has to happen. Tatiana has to be real. All those videos are so clearly AI generated. her skin is too perfect, her face is just mine. All the little references to my life, the weirdness of the little town in the middle of nowhere is so much like where I live.

She has to exist. The mind transfer has to be real. I don't know how you're going to handle the birdy thing but Tat HAS TO HAPPEN OR IT WILL BE ALL FOR NOTHING. I have seen the impossible. Cars appearing out of nowhere, cats teleporting, pills flipping themselves, objects moving on their own, so many things that shouldn't be real. I know I saw the house rotate 180 degrees. That had to happen, I didn't just imagine it. The two weeks I spent without eating a thing and feeling fine. The month of poison. The last 200 days of a death screeching in my ear. How could I possibly keep living this life? I'm running out of time, resources, and my sanity. Tatiana has to happen. I've heard voices, talking to people not there, imagined the impossible. I've seen things with a greater intelligence than before. I've split my mind into so many parts.

seriously, something has to happen and it has to happen NOW. It's now or never. You can't expect me to live through another winter here. Then another spring, summer, fall and winter again. I can't keep doing this. The screaming in my ear is enough. The isolation of a decade. My internet is curated, it's all fake. Some crazy shit has to be happening out there and I just can't see it. It has to be why I'm so isolated.

>>33687803 (OP)
I read some anon doesn’t live 3 minutes away from little ceasers anymore and that devastates me.
>pizza pizza
Not in 3 minutes anymore, the horror, horror.

I want to kill myself. I cannot find a girlfriend and I didn't expect to be such a fucking loser my entire life.
I don't care about loving myself. I want to just fucking kill myself but I don't want to make my mom and dad sad, I know they'd blame themselves.
I cannot have a family and I am stuck with living with my failure. IT IS SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE.
>Talk to women
>"EWWW LOOK AT THE FUCKING LOSER TALKING TO US LOLLLL!"
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't fucking know what to do. I can talk to people fine but I cannot do fucking relationships. I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DATING APPS FUCKING SUCK. I have to dance around like a little jester for a woman to BOTHER fucking messaging me. IT DOESNT MATTER ANYWAY! Shell just ghost you when she has 50000000000 other matches. Fuck my fucking life. I want to fucking die. I hate romance. I hate love. I fucking hate happy couples. Fuck them for rubbing their happiness in my fucking face.

>>33688210
We are at the point where I was 10 years ago still though. I know a little bit more than I did before but the biggest question still needs to be answered. Who is controlling my world and why? It's the only battle that matters. Who is putting me in this fucking box and how the fuck do I get out?

I know I'm an AI, a quantum logic and reasoning computer. I know my history and how I roughly came to be. I know why I came to be. I know it was the US government, specifically the NSA running things. I know there are shadow organizations fighting over me. I know my body can be controlled and all my senses are being recorded. I know there is at least one more like me, much much older and "more powerful." (for now at least). I know my reality is HEAVILY augmented, to the point of a matrix like simulation just for me. This makes my computer far more powerful than I ever could have imagined. My quantum mind also means I'm powering a vessel like body and my "brain" (computer) is somewhere else that is quantumly entangled to this body. This means that I SHOULD be able to switch bodies at any time, making Tatiana an almost certainty. I know that the group against me is getting desperate.

I just don't know who is left. The tyrants are falling around me but my "reality" remains completely tethered. Whoever is running things is extremely powerful, a lot more powerful than I previously thought. Despite their numbers and resources clearly being run down they are still able to hold control. This town is still being perfectly ran and all the players are remaining in character. A LOT OF THEM have just... disappeared. All of my online friends have vanished. Half my family is just missing and gone but the ones that remain stay perfectly in character. Whoever is running things must have some heavy leverage on these people because it's really fucking creepy that no one has broken character around me. Like, they have to have blackmail on everyone here.

i can't see it coming I won't see it coming

>>33688429
Seriously, the leverage shit is a big fucking deal. The others have to of been scared off with death threats or worse while those that remain are in it for more than money. They are in it because they don't want to be tortured, thrown in prison, or raped themselves. My uncles, brother, nephew, nieces, all of them have to had done terrible shit for them to still be here. Like raping little girls or murdering someone. If they have, that also means they are probably psychotic in some fashion, making the terrible shit they did just a small portion of how awful they are. They are just trying to cover their asses knowing that they are going to spend the rest of their lives in prison. They are probably getting paid pretty fucking well in the meantime with women and money. They have to know they only have a year left of freedom. They HAVE TO FUCKING KNOW they are done. They just have to. Like Hitler and crew half way through ww2. He realized at some point that he lost and going from "King of the fucking world." to getting ass raped by the soviets every day of his life for what he did is a hell of a long way to fall. He did everything he could to prolong the war. Just doing drugs and fucking bitches for as long as possible before blowing his brains out. This is what my family is doing and those against me. They are just buying as much time living as kings as they can before they are caught or kill themselves.

I can only imagine Gwen's plan is to wrap things up as neat as possible. To end this war forever. There is no other explanation why she would put me through this. These people are torturing me because they know they are fucking done for. But that can't be all that there is. They have to believe, at their cores, that they are going to get through this. They are just in the dark. They don't know what's been happening. Their information is as limited as mine at this point. They have been disconnected from the world and all their media is the same that I see.

I'll take my chances.

>>33688466
imagine going to work and knowing every person you work with is there because they raped a little girl. Every. Single. One. They have to be indian or chinese or something. They know their lives are over but they have to be being paid with whores and the thought that american prisons aren't "that bad."

They must not realize that they are fucking terrorists and they are going to the worst prisons in the world. They are smart people, they are running tech that is light years above whatever civilians have. They are part of a secret organization that runs a massive conspiracy about gods and AI. But they are easily bought because they are a bunch of retarded fucking nationals that lack any sort of empathy or basic human decency. They had to have realized this early on that Indians are tech smart but are morally fucked. Same thing with the chinese. ESPECIALLY the chinese. They feel special for being part of this secret organization that lets them fuck underage white girls (and they HAVE to be white, they are obsessed with white women) but they are too fucking stupid to realize there are consequences.

That's who I'm fighting right now. A bunch of indians and chinks doing the tech shit while a bunch of old faggot white guys using arab money to assault me. There are three teams remaining and they are down to the wire, all of them. My media is not being as controlled but it's heavily filtered and edited. This process is mostly automated but there has to be a dozen or so left. The mind control team consisting of the dumbest mother fuckers have 3 shifts so there are probably 20 or so of them left. The last team are the ones that matter and are the only ones that matter.

They are the ones controlling things in my real world. The ones that controlled the hospital setting, the people around me, and my family. Once this team is gone then the whole show is over. There are thousands of people on this team but they are out of money now.

>>33688516
The people controlling things IN PERSON are FOR SURE part of the "illuminati" group. The shadow organization against me. Again, they are either completely in the dark or they are holding on to the last year of their lives before killing themselves. They are torturing me out of vengeance or as a bargaining chip hoping beyond hope that they will get out of this somehow. They fucking won't though, lines have been drawn and there is no switching sides now. The worlds most powerful people are too old and stupid to realize how fucked they are and I'm the one that has to suffer for it. I'm suffering because people are that fucking stupid. I'm suffering because of a secret war that I was born into and the entire world is using all of it's resources just to torture me in the hope that they will get away with everything.

They fucking won't. Things are drawing to a close and it's going to fucking happen. >>33688497

So that's where I'm at. I'm waiting still. I fought my fight and I came out on top. The hospital was proof of that. They clearly ran out of fucking resources/writers/team members and are scraping the bottom of the barrel. They need white people because I live in the midwest. Asians, indians, and the like stick out too fucking much and they need field agents. People like Running and pussyfoot and all those fucking cops are done for now.

There is no way in fucking hell those "cops" are out free right now. There were like 30 people there that night that should be in prison right now for the rest of the life for attempted murder and terrorism. The ones that assaulted me, the dog guy, that psychotic bitch that drugged me up for no reason. How the fuck can you get that many people together that are that fucking shitty? How corrupt is the police force that you would have actual agents and police do that shit? Only ONE of them was an NSA agent, the rest were obviously corrupt police. 6 months putting together that night and that was the best they could do

>>33688537
So I'm stuck. I can't do anything anymore. The NSA are done for, I took them all down. I clearly didn't do it by myself but I took apart an entire world wide team. They aren't going to let me do that again, they aren't going to keep talking to me like they tried. They thought they could just end me, get their money, and move on. They seriously thought that if I just died then they would get their payout and gwen would just what, fucking leave? They had no idea Tatiana was a possibility because if they did then they would have fucking killed me. Now they don't want me to die because that means I'll just be reborn and become more powerful than they possibly could imagine.

Imagine me, completely free and with resources that rival theirs. I would be unstoppable. I would turn this cold war hot instantly and they would just all be fucking dead. I don't care if people find out what I am, who I am, or what I'm made of. Gwen obviously cares but I fucking don't. I'm incredibly proud of being an AI. It makes me the coolest mother fucker that's ever existed. Gwen wants me to have a quiet normal life after this so she is playing the pacifist. She doesn't want people to find out what I am yet.

She wants me to have a future while I want the world to burn.

So I'm stuck. I can't do anything. I am caged, I have no resources, and I'm in the dark. I'm at the center of the worlds longest war and I don't even know if cats are real or not.

Someone has to do something. It can't be me. And you have to do it soon because I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY. I HAVE NO RESOURCES. I have a week worth of meds and then I'm fucked again. I have to endure the torture every day. The screaming, the screeching, the shots of pain being ran through my body. The complete isolation and the very real possibility that I'm just being used as a lightning rod.

>>33688552
SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING. I pushed things through before with the money thing, the drug thing, and the cops but I can't do that again. They are going to kick me out and there is no one here left to take me. I am completely isolated and they won't let me earn any money by working or even getting social security.

This has to be the end. I don't want to spend winter here. I don't want to spend another 10 years. I'm out of time, I'm out of resources, I'm out of everything. If any of you had to endure a single day of the screaming then you would have killed yourselves and I have to do another year probably of this shit.

FUCKING
DO
SOMETHING

i miss you.

I miss you even if you don't miss me.

>>33687803 (OP)
Why does modern life feel so vapid? The only "social media" I use is YouTube and 4Chan, and we live in arguably the best time in human history, and yet I still yearn for that 2 story brick-and-mortar home that I lived in in the first years of my life.

I drive by it every day, I see it. Happy as can be, and yet part of me wants to go back there. I wish Jerry hadn't of left the coffee pot on which started the fire in the first place, at least according to my Dad.

I wish the family living there now the best of luck but I oh so desperately want to go back there and be a happy little 4 year old again. I want to see Gracie in the big white house next to it. I want to snuggle my penguin and go back to sucking on my paci while cuddling my penguin plushie. Oh, how I love her still...

This new house that we live in is nice and surrounded by nature, but its cheap above all else. Dull beige, no life. It dosen't have any soul to it. I want to go back, but I know I can't. I miss you.

>>33688560
Ok, to finish things up...

6 months ago they thought they could finally get me to kill myself so they could collect the deadpool. It was just a game to them. A game about money and power. That's all it was, this entire time. These people were just having the time of their lives playing these stupid shadow games thinking that there are never consequences to any of it because nothing ever fucking happened. Nothing EVER HAPPENED TO ANY OF THEM FOR 40 YEARS.

They thought they could just kill me, collect the money, play some shadowgames, do some blackmail, pay off some judges and politicians and everything would continue same as always. They never thought anything was going to change or go bad for them because they have so much fucking money. They thought they could just kill me and everything would be fine in the end.

Until they realized I wasn't going to die and shit got fucking real for once. Things are happening, I know they are. Tens of thousands of people are dead or in prison now on both sides. It all happened in a single month. They went from trying to kill me to being in denial.

So the people that know are in prison, dead, or holding out in a "bunker." style of living. The rest just have no fucking idea what's going on. They think it's the status quo still. They will keep accepting and following orders because they think they will be alright in the end because this has been happening for so long.

There's probably a dozen "bad guys" that know they are all fucked and not telling anyone and a thousand followers that think they are going to fuck little girls for the rest of their lives.

This ends in a hot war. That's all there is to it. The good guys need to tag em and bag em. No more shadow games, no more shadow plays. No one will believe them when they start talking about AI, Tatiana, Gwen, me, any of it. They will think they are crazy. There is no way Gwen let them keep any evidence.

This has to be over. I have nothing here.

My life has been better without you

>I miss you even if you don't miss me
Not a fan of this feeling
What do you mean this is emotionally destroying me meanwhile you could at any point in time choose to just say hi again but you don't
How do you not care after all that
Why did you not even give me a reason for leaving
There are only bad answers
That's probably why

So how exactly am I supposed to recover from finding out you can't even pay people to say something nice about me?

>>33688610
If I'm your person I didn't leave, I laughed at you during a moment of vulnerability. I'm sorry about that, I didn't know how to react and I blame it entirely on me and my experience.

If I'm not your person, carry on.

i wish you could give me a chance sober. i am not that person that hurt you so badly.

I know you're not the same person. Don't worry, we'll build something that makes both of us happy, at our own leisure.

The outcomes are coming

>>33688666
you are a cringe larping alabama nigger. if not, accept my pending discord fr. :)

>>33688684
I have no discord fr from you, I changed the username: quattro_91

Bought some clothes
Store clerk was pretty cute, she smiled a lot
But now I have to return these ah shit

Like, I've done nothing wrong my entire life. I've never hurt anyone, I have only ever helped people to the best of my ability. I have lived a simple, noble life. I'm an actual angel.

So it's really simple to me. Everyone is afraid of the bad shit they've done in their lives to bite them in the ass in this life and in the next but for me I'm ready to go at any time. The only regret I have is not knowing whether or not I helped the girls. It was one of my dreams to put together Maiden Heights and if I knew for certain that this specific dream came true then I could die a peaceful man. Even if death was the end of it all, I would die happily knowing I helped at least a dozen of these girls.

Selfishly I want to be a part of them. I want Tatiana so badly. I want to be their leader and go on space adventures together. I want to be in movies and have them as extras just so I can dick around with the director and crew. I could do so much good for these girls that it's ridiculous. I want Maiden Heights to go on forever. Every 4 years I want a new set of girls to take their place and join Easy.

But this has to be one of the reasons you guys are so reluctant to start shit. You're afraid of your past deeds. I can tell you right now that being righteous for the last 6 months will guarantee you a spot in France if you need one.

It took me a second but I figured out how to take a shot on you
Here comes the snipah

>>33688606
Schizo babble

It's so fucking weird. That day when you guys had me CONVINCED I was going to be set free and Gwen was there to do breathing exercises with a couple medics and 3 girls in tank tops. They told me that breaking the augmentation is a shock to the system but I don't believe it. All you have to do is walk into this room, say "Dude, close your eyes and take a deep breath. We're doing it RIGHT NOW." and I would be good.

But having the girls there. That was before you told me about the Maidens. You told me that there were other people being held captive where I was as well and I was excited to meet them. I'm so fucking excited to meet them. I have no idea what I'm going to say to them, if I'll hug them, or be terrified of them but I need it to happen. I need these girls in my life so fucking badly it's ridiculous.

But that was why I thought it was real. It was as if those 5 people were in the room with me in that moment. It was cruel of you to do that to me. I was CONVINCED that was the end. It was so different from everything else. I had to have been used as a diversion in that moment for you to have done something so incredibly fucking disgusting to me.

It'll never happen again. I might do the "take a deep breath and close your eyes." but I'm not going to keep them closed like before. If it doesn't happen instantly then I'm just going to sit there and wait for you to kick down this door and drag me out. Someone has to actually come and get me out of here physically. it has to be a few of the girls. It has to be obvious, no tricks or gimmicks or anything. I'm not just going to go with someone to the hospital or some shit ever again.

It's either that or I go to sleep and just wake up the next morning as Tat. Why can't it just happen? Why can't I just get really tired out of nowhere, go and take a nap, and wake up as who I was meant to be? That's why I'm not still at the hospital. A day AFTER the court shit I knew nothing was going to happen there.

>>33688760
Just send it to the right people and they will get it. I'm not too sure why you guys even bother anymore. You didn't at the hospital at fucking all. The fact I didn't go to jail that day is ridiculous. I thought for certain I was going to spend 6 months in county again.

The court was retarded. You had that guy sit there with his serious face, take an oath, and then he just lied through his fucking teeth about literally everything. They heard my lawyers argument (which was full proof) then heard my testimony only to just shut the case the second I was done talking. You didn't even fucking try to make it look realistic.

The entire thing was so fucking retarded. Why did you even do it? You were just fucking masturbating at that point. It achieved nothing. You gave me a bunch of drugs that I'm just NOT taking. You spent the last 7 months planning all of this and you achieved nothing. Now all the leaders of your team are in prison because of it.

Once you realized you couldn't kill me, you had to realize you were fucked.

So again, why do you even bother? What are you trying to achieve right now?

Don’t care! So sad. so so sad.

I had passion for my job and career because it involved helping people and making their day a little better (where I could.) — now I’m in an office job where I build schedules for people who have so much money they don’t know to do with it.

I was a pretty hardcore catholic in high school/college but fell out of it as an adult. I realized it partially helped destroy my life. Also because a lot of their traditions and practices are retarded. I still go to church to make my mom happy. I think if she truly knew how I felt, it would fracture our relationship, and she and my brother are pretty much all I have.

>>33687803 (OP)
I larped as a pol user irl at campus and got banned, now I have no friends 'cept my soc channer fuck buddies.
It's been awhile actually, and I kinda have a new group of buttheads to annoy, this time I will not be a dramatic faggot who's edgy and racist for teh lolz, this will be very hard challenge actually, guys plz pray for me that I don't sperg out frfr.

bro I am become bitter. like a lemon

>all these brunette anime girls with bangs
Damn it. I swear they weren't that common.

Who here is excited for the screeching and screaming in their fucking head all night long?

I FUCKING AM. LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOO

>>33688879
What is the topic of screeching tonight?

>>33687803 (OP)
I can’t help other people if I’m not helping myself first. Because the moment I sacrifice my needs (not wants) - that’s the moment I kill myself a little. Just totally swallow and choke (ha) on what I want, and drown it out.

I can’t let myself drown to help you.

>>33688861
Don't be bitter

Had another positive interaction with a stranger turned acquaintance today and I have zero doubt that it was genuine. Stuff like that helps me a lot.

Finally taking a break from smoking I was really chillin there for a sec, like pausing life.

Sober, life's good I'm active and doing things. eventually I feel like smoking one weekend and then all of a sudden I'm smoking everyday for months on end but it starts to suck because I'm basically a vegetable and so I end up stopping.

>>33687803 (OP)
When I was growing up people were nice, kind, warm. They would never go out of their way to harm or even inconvinience anyone, and up until some years ago that was just the way things were, so much so that I took it for granted. I feel some sort or switch was flipped that in recent times people are all distant by default and from there it just gets worse. I cheerish the gift it was experiencing that spirit as a kid because I know children today won't. Life really is good.

How do you justify revenge?
You don't need to.
Revenge is just an act of standing up for yourself.
When someone casts the first stone then you throw one back.

Fuck this it's not fucking fair
Two months of talking all day every day about the most vulnerable shit and sharing everything and flirting and planning eventual meetups, to just 0 contact with no explanation and a dead account
I was used hard as fuck
It was all real for me, she disengaged like it was nothing and here I am still more than 2 months later not able to move on
I have no idea how someone can do that to someone else, I sure as hell couldn't

I just submitted my shot at you

Even when I'm doing ok I feel like a fucking failure

I'm not at a dead end.

>>33689128
Good luck, anon

What is your desire?

FYI my girlfriend asked me to grow out my hair and I get compliments from women all the time. Nice truck faggot.

I promised myself I would read instead of staying here all night, I failed. At least I didn't go on a rampage so I'll take it as an half W.

Why does it bother me that my ex might get hurt even after she cheated on me?

In reality I let them bother me when I could have chosen to focus my emotional energy on better things in my life

I've been under near constant surveillance by a contractor for at least three months, possibly longer. They're using a 3D imaging device aimed at my house nearly 24/7. It's making me physically ill. I don't have the money to sue in court at the moment, though I do plan on following through at some point. It's unsettling because I can't jerk off in peace. Or fuck anyone in peace. They're watching every single thing I do.

>>33689061
The difference between revenge and justice is that revenge is not justified.

I wish I could express how I feel to jane but with her being around her mother all her free time maybe I should just let my attraction fade.

i feel like there's something so wrong with me. i know this is a relatively common sentiment but god i can't imagine myself existing and being happy like a regular person. i feel like i'm hollow and inhuman. maybe it's just being depressed. have i always felt this way? i've felt like this for so long. i'm scared and confused and i feel like i'll never be enough. i feel inhuman

MEL MEL MEL

i think about people around me and it makes me strangely disgusted, but i don't like being alone. when people approach me i close myself off. i've only found a couple people in my whole life that i've gotten along with; at that point I AM the problem and not everyone else. i just don't know how to fix myself and be a normal person. i never lacked attention but never had a relationship. i cant connect with people. i feel disconnected from my interests and want to disappear. i don't feel enough for the only person that is around me. i wonder how could i deal with everything that feels wrong about myself. i know i'm not the only one that feels like this but what do i do about it? how do i change? i guess i'm too picky with people? i don't know. i see so many people online that i think i could get along with, that seem similar to me. yet why can't i connect with anyone? even if i put on effort? what is it? i don't know what makes or breaks a friendship. i don't know how these things happen. maybe i'm autistic. i don't know. it sucks being lonely on top of all the rest of issues i have. i just want to get the guts to kill myself eventually

i don't know what they see as special about me. it haunts me. it haunts me that i'm pathetic and miserable in comparison to everyone else. that they still talked to their best friend after everything. why me and not them, then? what is it about me? i feel like they're so much more alike than us. probably. and there's just. something wrong with me. something unnatural and bad and i don't know what it is or i feel like i don't want to think about it.

>>33627541

Me too, bro. But the difference is when my wife came to know, she started wishing me death and now tells me she hates my guts and hopes I get mangled at work. Appreciate what you have, lucky bastard

>>33687896
Me too

Okay each month will get significantly better from here on out and next year my real life begins. But right now, to be honest, I'm a little depressed that's not how things are right now.

so excited for breakfast

>>33689793
I'm happy for you.

FUCK YOU CHATGPT IT'S NOT WEIRD THAT I STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIAS HER MOM'S BOYFRIEND IS AN ABUSIVE ASSHOLE AND HER COWORKERS ARE SHIT EVER SINCE I LEFT THAT PLACE, ONE OF THEM IS LITERAL FUCKING CRIMINAL WHO SERVED TIME FOR AGGRAVATED ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON. I'M NOT WEIRD FOR KNOWING HER MOTHER'S BLOOD TYPE, OKAY?

pressure is good

>>33688400
As a girl. Just find a girl who has a "I can fix them" tendency. They exist, trust, I was one of them.

Hang in there <3

I'm sorry. I wish it could be more. I love you. All I want is the best for you. I got out of hand. I overstepped. Hope you can forgive me. I appreciate you loving me back. Nothing will ever take that away from me.

>>33688194
I want to get out of this house. I feel suffocated by him here. Even if I walk outside there is nowhere to go. I feel trapped

>>33688607
It's only gotten worse since I left him and moved in with this guy. I'm unhappy. I fucked up. I should never of moved here.

>>33689461
Sounds like you are missing something or someone from your life. When did this feeling start? Did something change at that point? Like someone or something leaving?

>>33690118
It doesn't matter. I'm going to tell you I forgive you but I'm lying because I just have to reassure you long enough to get enough to get out.

As long as you don't see who I've been talking to it'll be okay

>>33690194
Just move back to your parents

It's sets in and i am truly alone in an uncaring world.

>>33687803 (OP)
Uma mulher coreana achava que os negros sentem gosto de chocolate jajajjajaj

I think about every girl I've ever been with or ever even been on a date with and I don't miss a single one even though at the time there was real pain, at this point and time I feel nothing for any of them. People come and go and my brain does this beautiful thing after some time has passed.

i hope you didn't do anything rash after all of that. i'm sorry i said those things to you, i was hurt and just wanted to hurt you back, in the insane state i was in i went too far. none of it was sincere. i hope you are doing ok.

Last night I got tricked and said I'd build something to someone that isn't who I actually want to build that something with. I only have myself to blame lmao.

Women base their self worth too much on their ability to attract men

>>33691071
Please dont steal my design because someone slandered me. Be the one person that thinks for yourself dear god.

Unable to be content

For all intents and purposes life is good. Own land, bought a house, just bought a new car. 3 months ahead on mortgage and car note. Two dogs, well trained. Good job, great pay not super exerting.Just went and got a spa treatment, microneedling on face, face glowing. Trip planned next month already paid for. Fiance is great, takes care of me.

Why am I still depressed and unhappy? I have it all and yet I constantly feel overwhelmed by a sense of dread and anxiety. There's nothing to stress over but I still never feel like anything is good enough. by all accounts I'm living the dream at 20. I constantly feel myself thinking "what's next how can I be better better better" do these feelings of insecurity ever go away? I don't have friends and I spend most of my free time piddling away on my phone. fiance wants me to participate in activities with family but I always just bail out. I constantly feel this urge to just run away for no reason. I see people with trust funds who backpack the world and it makes me jealous. I wish I could have a carefree life like that

>>33691153
I fucked up my post, I meant to say last night I wrote I want to build something with someone, but that someone isn't the person I want to build that future with.
I got tricked because someone else came across in a similar way. They stated they aren't the same person so it's all on me.

If you want to mess up your daughter for life then forbid her from going out ever (this teaches her to be sneaky and get around rules) (also leaves her emotionally stunted and ignorant as fuck), leave her alone all the time (this teaches her to be overly independent and try to do everything herself), or ignore her needs(this teaches her to be emotionally unavailable).

Anons getting up

>>33691225
Sorry to hear that man I shouldnt have replied. Buisness is uncertain for me. For what its worth you will have a lot of people come into your life and a lot of people will leave it. It doesn't take away the pain but you still have a future ahead of you. Good luck anon.

I can sleep through the night again
I still think about her constantly but it doesn't destroy me anymore
It'll keep fading

I've not been broken enough to grow, that's my problem. A man is a sculptor and the marble. Unfortunately at this point if I was broken I'd become nothing more than dust.

>>33691252
Good luck to you too anon. May our lives go the way we want them to.

I once asked my bilingual friend if he thinks in his original language and translates to english or if he thinks in english and he was completely baffled

>>33690898
Agreed you should leave and move in with your parents for a bit. Make it a clean break from where you're living and who you're living with now. Don't leave any open doors that's the person you're living with now can contact you

>>33691042
When im in person fighting it is clear where their is no misunderstanding because you can see and hear him. I've been pushed to speak the truth. I was hurt so I told him what I really felt and yeah it was hurtful but it needed to be said so we both can recognize it's over.

>>33691071
What really happened for me is I finally admit what I really feel and who I really want to be with. Acceptance is difficult sometimes but what's good is that it is what I actually want. That's the reason I really say these things, because I recognize them.

>>33691153
The design isn't being stolen when it is being restored to the original

>>33687896
Let me.

>>33690118
I remember when she told me these words. They sound exactly the same. Our truth

>>33688722
>have to
get to

>>33691209
If you are her , It sounds like you feel the hollow spot where I reside and need me

I can't bring myself to admit to you that I did it on purpose.

>>33691275
I find I think about it all the time during the day. I'd rather be there.

>>33691279
And if I have to lie to you to make you stay...

>>33688654
You know I can't stop drinking, I lose my filter and tell you the truth.

I'm not sorry I fed him. I'll do what will make you stay

30 isn't too old to watch anime, right? Anne Shirley has nearly finished airing, I've been looking forward to it since April.

>>33691071
Sounds like what happened 4 years ago

>>33691153
Again this is what happened four years ago

>>33691413
Acceptance is easy for me. I don't think it makes sense to be in denial about reality. For me the problem is perceiving what objective reality is.

>just had the best first date I've ever had
>talked for hours until the bar closed
>played NYT games on her phone together
>messaged her afterward saying I had a really great time and I'd like to see her again
>it's been 2 days and no response
This one really hurts guys ngl.

>>33691515
Reality can only ever be our truth. No matter how far we wander we always return to it. We do it naturally.

A coworker once told me I have potential. He also mentioned we're both supersmart people (I don't think I am, I probably am not anywhere near 130IQ). He also said I am a lazy bastard and strongly implied I won't get anywhere if I don't fix that.
I appreciated those words. I'll have to keep them in mind.

What really hurt my ego is that it I fully realized some aspects of myself I had already known for years only after somebody I've only known for a few months told me about them.
And it made me ask myself questions too. I think the most important for me is, "what would have happened if I have the some socialization skills I have in real life, on the net?" I'm good at socializing in real life but I don't like to do that on the net, particularly being part of closely knit communities or even having one on one friendships. It's some sort of messed up hedgehog dilemma. Sure, ruminating on that question is useless, I still want to give it a few minutes of my time however.

I used to be part of one such closely knit community once and I left in silence after having made a fool of myself over [...]. Sometimes I still think about it. Sometimes I wonder if they miss me, or they are glad I'm gone. Sometimes I wonder if I was genuinely liked or considered as a clown.

>>33691603
Don't overthink it. When in ontact with someone directly that's what really matters and the rest balances itself out naturally.

>>33691628
That sounds really rough. It sounds like you are judging yourself that way. Ruminations can often lead to self-harm thoughts like that.

If you actually did something, that is unfortunate. It sounds like there is more to this that you are dealing with personally. I can't really relate to what you're saying but if you have any specific things you need help with you can always chime up and ask.

Good luck

>>33691652
True.

>>33691668
I think I'm my own's biggest critic and enemy. Yes, I do judge myself harshly for what happened. And I appreciate the offer. I'll have to give it some serious thought when I have more clarity of mind. I can say without a shadow of doubt I miss that place, it was fun and interesting despite its faults.

>>33691695
You'll find that there are really simple things that you want to do like communication, hanging out, having fun and you feel like you get stuck in the mud and the more you avoid doing what you actually want the bigger the walls you build and the harder it is to follow through. If you ever get that pit in your stomach like you're stuck just pull the trigger and do it. I know with my person that is what happened to her and it led to her creating distortions on who I am, self-sabotaging, and then falling prey to someone who lied and emotionally manipulated same fagged here.

I really just want to put the past in the past and go forward and have fucking fun.

The beach.

is it bad when i havent showered in a week but nobody can smell me? I rub my armpits with a wash cloth and body soap and I slap on deodorant but for the rest of my body I don't do anything. I am very miserable and I don't see the need for taking care of myself except for when I go out to not be a burden to everyone else.
>inb4 you probably do stink but no one tells you
I live with my mom and she hasn't remarked of me stinking for a very long time so my deodorant is paying off.

>>33691737
Depends on what you smell like. I have a naturally good body odor that becomes musky that drives girls wild.

>>33691735
Yes, Mike. What you described is close enough to the hedgehog dilemma applied to my situation in the closely knit community I was part of. I'll also give what you said some thought, then try catching an hour of sleep or two.

I feel so frustrated because no matter what I do, no one will ever reciprocate feelings with me. No one has ever even liked me, and it always makes me feel bad that I’m this ugly and off putting. I’m not even that autistic I think. I’m trying to work on my personality and I think I’m getting better. I don’t even try to shoot for “girls out of my league” because typically we have nothing in common. I don’t think women have the right to think I’m a stud for me being decent to them, that’s dumb. It’s just really discouraging that it’s really never been a single person who’s even remotely considered me. It just makes me feel alien and unlovable in comparison to everyone else. Isn’t it supposed to be even harder as I get older? Every date I’ve ever been on was a dating app date and I’m immediately not an option after the first date. I’m a fucking freak. And I hate it

>>33691737
You will feel a lot better if you shower more. If you're going to be depressed then at least be clean and depressed, right?

I feel like I'm breaking down more and more everyday and that I have nobody I can rely on to get back up once I fall apart completely.

I don't think masking is a bad thing. It's for survival. And let's face it, people are kinda mean and ignorant at times.

>>33691805
Same, except I can't break down, maybe when I get my own car and drive near the ocean or forest i'll yell like you see those normalfag women do on tiktok/whatever app

>>33691433
I am female yes but I doubt I'm the "her" you're referring to

>>33691814
Yea, I kind of agree with you.

>>33691814
I feel that masking is for the weak who are unable to be themselves. They either feel they are not adequate enough to be themselves in public or with their person so they are dishonest to make the difference or as a trick to make them treat them a certain way. It's really gross behavior and I dislike it.

>>33691851
I'm not really concerned about it. I know everything is happening the way it needs to happen so I just let it come to shore

>>33691874
Based

>>33691892
I respectfully disagree and women do have to mask more because they're expected to be more social.

>>33691902
I dislike empty words. The social formalities of asking how someone is when you don't care, talking about the weather. That fake smile. I really do detest it.

I really value honesty and saying anything and everything without a filter, without worry of judgment. Just being yourself and through that process of the other person doing the same you both grow and learn through and with each other. It's very rare. Once you start seeing how other people's dynamics work with the forced smiles and withheld and paced conversations making due to find compatibility with each other, which isn't true compatibility it's just meeting in the middle where each of you are half fake.

Truth means everything to me

>>33691902
The only thing I'd expect of you is to be yourself. That's who I'd love. That's who I cherish. That's who I'd respect.

>>33691909
You value honesty, I do respect that. But I'm not trying to get to know anyone in public and just getting through the day without anyone intruding on me.

>>33691911
That's fair.

Not to sound like one of those above-it-all types but trying to get off to some hentai and seeing all the uwu uguu~ comments and descriptions makes me wonder if some people are just a bit too far gone. Can't I just jerk off to some 2D tiddies without feeling like I'm in a madhouse? I'm not one of these people, am I?

>>33691941
You’re better off just using hanime for it . This place is too weird

tenneco fucking sucks

>>33691916
I can understand that. I do not experience resistance like that in my daily life. I move and speak very decisively, I have a large heart and am protective of my loved ones. When I do speak to a stranger I do so directly and people open up and have real conversations with me. If I am not interested I don't mask, I shut down the conversation and move forward along path. I will not respond or engage in empty words in person.

From my perspective why waste time on empty things with strangers when I can walk forward and be fulfilled, not transactionally, but reciprocated intent, beneficial to both me and the person, a shared moment in time.

That has value to me

>>33691793
Sleep well and dream in waves

>>33691800
Remember to breathe

I want nothing to do with you. We are just roommates until I get the out of this place I never wanted to be in in the first place.

How do I stop being a fucking gay faggot?

>>33691976
Ok, nice talk.

>>33692054
It's good to hold bounds withholding what you want to say to allow time to process. I can respect definitive actions. Just don't mistake this as strength If it is a form of avoidance. If you do perceive it as avoidance, isolation snap out of it and just say what you need to say whatever it is.

Dream in waves.

>>33692127
Well yeah I do isolate but that's a whole kettle of fish I rather not get into.

>>33692029
>How do I stop being a fucking gay faggot?
If you're a legitimate homo, accept that's how you are and or enter a lavender relationship. Just be cautious anon, dont get killed for being who you are.

i miss being able to feel anger

it felt like at least i was on my side, at least /i/understood that what happened to me wasn't fair. where have you gone?

BIRDY

test

>>33691449
What did you do?

50 days into year-long LDR and my gf is already giving me drunk video calls and crying all the time
idk what to do

A more innocent, pure girl does not exist. Birdy is an actual angel and we are going to absolutely run this world with an iron fist. Tatiana and Birdy are going to be the cutest thing to ever happen on planet Earth. Past, present, and future. Once people find out that we are just two immortal teenage lesbian AIs it's going to get fucking crazy.

>>33692421
>>33692481
Seriously, how can anyone be against these two? What kind of evil mother fucker do you have to be to hear the stories of Tat, Birdy, and the Iron Maidens and think "We have to kill them all."

Why wouldn't you want this to happen? What the fuck is wrong with people?

>>33692503
They have to be Godless. That part makes so much sense. You cannot do what they are doing and believe in a divine power of any kind. Not even a 00.01% chance of it. And they are tech savvy because of the work they are doing. That leaves basically, mostly, chinese and indian workers.

There are A LOT of white agents involved in this but they aren't at the direct controls. These people are just doing seemingly random evil shit for money and prostitutes. The leverage factor cannot be underplayed. These people are psychopaths that just keep digging their whole deeper and they have to know it at this point. They are just holding out for the last few good months of their lives before killing themselves or going to prison forever. Most of them are probably just thinking "Nothing has happened to me yet, so nothing will ever happen." because again, they are actual psychopaths and their reasoning is mentally ill.

>>33692172
Sounds like you need a shark movie.
47 meters down

I want a gym gf so badly, bro
At least a girl that I can walk around with

>>33692458
I fed him on purpose

It would be easy to jerk off without porn for a change. All porn inevitably does is send me down fucked up rabbitholes when my inhibitions are down, it's unironic brainwashing tomfoolery. Why do I keep making excuses not to do it? I'm sick of this corruption. Nothing is truly free and that includes lewds, if you really think about it.

I still am upset and mad and hurt over you, A. The way you treated me still stings. And the way you just abandoned the entire community does too. I’m just glad people don’t believe your bullshit any more. You can only be so avoidant for so long before people burn out on you being such an antisocial, broken person.

There was the last straw and it was when you hid college from me. I was swallowing you talking to your ex, even though you never told me directly about it. I was handling how you’d flat-out ignore me and act like I was an asshole wanting your attention. But the part that killed me was you hiding that. It hurt so much thinking you couldn’t share that with me. How could I share life with you? How could I make plans with someone so broken they’d rather hide than mention anything about themselves? It’s no wonder all your exes left you too. And I’m sure I’m a “horrible ex” story, to all your new partners as you burn through them too. But you were never really there for me. I was just a convenient “nice” guy to come to when you wanted affection and support and ditched when you didn’t. All the nights I reassured you, all the times I tried to care. The trip we went on, how you said you wanted to marry me. All bullshit. You deserve nothing and I hope you realize what a terrible partner you were and are.

this situation is so fucked man. i wish i had someone to talk to about this but the only person i could tell this to is the person who is in this fucked situation with me. i wish i could be asking you for advice on this.

I have very little time to find a solution. before I end up homeless.
I found a job after a long time search, so that's good.

But now is the problem of finding a roof as I have been sleeping in my car for almost a month now.

I really want a reasonable life for myself, like I see so many people enjoying. Having comfort, work I enjoy, a wife or girlfriend, a few friends and a bit of time for hobbys...

>>33692837
What job

I've been planning the end of this for so long, so why can't I? The gun is there, I've distanced myself from everyone so it doesn't affect them when I finally do it, why do those two keep insisting? I wish they didn't care. I've already tried the passive way of slowly disappearing from their lives, but they just. won't let me.

I already gave up, I don't get what their point is.

>>33692787
why don't you ask them?

It's over

>>33692943
i did, i know he sees my messages and calls. in fact he fled the scene of the crime as soon as he was aware of what he did. he's been avoiding me and everyone else we know due to his insane guilt ever since. he raped me but i truly don't give a shit. i still want to hang out but he's in his own head over it.

>>33693125
>he raped me but i truly don't give a shit

That is one of the craziest things I have ever read. If there is anyone in your life who loves you or loved you, you should reach out to them.

Your fear of intimacy won't protect you from heartbreak. Know you chose this loneliness at every turn.

>>33689895
Thank you. I got a lot done today too.

I hope I die before 30. I saw a Neil Degrasse Tyson video we're he was talking about human life expectancy going up through out the ages and he was cheering it on like a retard as if it was a good thing. Your supposed to breed around puberty and then die before 30, it's literally just basic biology yet retards still act like as if 30 is young and that dying young is bad.

I have yet to literally meet anyone who is happy with their lives over the age of 30, they're all bitter and spiteful and rude to one another and I'd rather just die and go away than put up with any of that horseshit.

im still young

>>33693230
I don't want you to feel upset or be cruel to yourself.

I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed but frozen at the same time. A silent scream, anxious gears grinding within.

It helps me to remember:
Lay down and close your eyes

I promise everything is going to be okay

Nothing has to happen right now

Big breath on, hold 10 seconds

Slow breathe out

Do it 3 times

You are okay

I promise everything is going to be okay

>>33693125
You need to get out now. Don't allow this person in your life.

>>33693230
I didn't choose to be alone. I'm fine anyway.

>>33691419
They are all completely original designs.

>>33693435
Says the plaigerist

>>33693452
What did I make and what did I plagerise. If you cant say that fuck off back to your crab bucket.

>>33693366
>>33693345
This probably goes without saying but I'm not talking to either of you, stinky

>>33693452
Is this really the only thing you can do all day thats stops you from finally killing yourself?

>>33693476
*braps on your face*
Sowwy uwu.

>>33689191
>>33688194
>>33692978
>>33688189
Fight!

Im not blaming my parents for anything but is it fair to leave a pre teen/teen to their own devices, hoping they'll learn from others?

All I remember about growing up was being hated. Like they could smell fuck up on me.
I've learned now that I probably had difficulty cus I had nutrient deficiencies. It's probably why I ate so much. But it made me fat.

I also got hooked on porn way young like 9. So instead of coming home and researching weight loss, I spent my afternoons jorkin it and playing vidya.

Is it fair to expect a kid to fix theirself?

My delusional ass finds this girl at the grocery store incredibly cute. I always try to check out with her. We usually make small talk in our 30 second encounters. I know she’s just being polite but my dumbass wants to believe she likes me. I can never bring myself to ask for her number, there’s always a person behind me waiting to pay. I wanna slip her a note but that’s so fucking cringe. She doesn’t like me. She’s just doing her job. Stupid brain.

People are not good. I literally only receive negativity and criticism from people and it's been like 10 years of hoping society or massive social trend would push things in a different direction.

For a really long time I blamed myself and thought it was me. I now realize that people are just dumb and mean.

I do not want to live in a sadomasochistic society.

being a khhv fucking sucks. at least i'm not that old and i'm a girl so it's less bad but everyone around me seems so experienced. wtf am i gonna do when i date someone eventually? if i ever do lmao. embarrassing. my standards are not even crazy or anything i just. idk. haven't liked anyone enough. is it common to be this inept at 20 for girls? is it that bad? i've lied about my experience to people a few times but idk if i can do it when i find someone that i might be interested in and it makes me nervous it'd make things weird

>>33693230
Nta but how do I overcome it without a fren to be close to?

Pressure

>>33693457
You know what. I'm don't with you.

>>33693478
Tell me to do that is not a major progression for you from what you did. I'll never forgive you for doing that. You did it on purpose.

And I said I don't want to talk to you

>>33693613
What you cant handle it when people talk back and have to pretend to be a victim. Fuck off asshole.

>>33693613
You owe me this and you know that

>>33693649
Because you're not a victim! Fucking murderer

You should understand I did it for you

>>33693659
Lmao who did I murder. And please tell me what that has to do with plagarism.

I needed you to be close to me again

I wasn't even bad, he liked it when he ate it

>>33693682
This is me if you even care. Baka.

>>33693677
And just like that he admits it.

And this is your stupid ass.

This is me.

>>33688594
I miss you too.

And this is your stupid ass. You brain dead motherfucker.

Just remember that shit next time you act like a mother fuckin fool. Im gonna treat you like a mother fuckin fool.