Thread 21420114

>>21420114 (OP)
>By John Mitzewich

>>21420114 (OP)
>/r/recipes

>"hubby"
>"yummy"

>>21420114 (OP)
>allrecipes
>it's 90% blog 10% recipe

I don’t like this food..


I LOVE IT

x or y "eats well"

>make sure to use unsalted butter
>make sure to add salt!

ooey gooey

>>21420124
>Thhhhaaaaaats riighht

>>21420114 (OP)
>A handful
>To taste
>Brown meat on each side for X minutes or until done (you know for damned certain X minutes isn't even close to done on your stove)
>Recipe includes a sauce that links to a separate recipe for the sauce instead of including it in the main recipe

>>21420232
its fucked up how cute pigs are yet so tasty

>>21420114 (OP)
>scrumptious

>>21420232
Is he roasting himself?

>>21420605
Everything but the last point is the recipes way of saying "figure it out yourself." Everyone has different powered cooktops, different cookware, different tastes. Cooking takes some improv, baking is where you want precise measurements.

>get vegetables from pantry
>get seasonings from cupboard
>get meat from fridge
>peel 1 lbs of vegetables
>chop 1 lbs of vegetables
>let 1 lbs of meat come to room temp
>preheat oven to tree-fiddy
>season vegetables
>season meat
>prep time: 5 minutes

>Step One:
>Gather the ingredients.

>>21420638
>and on the toilet in 5

>>21420643
>Coworkers ask me for a recipe
>"I don't know."

>>21420230
Lost

>Ingredients
>1. 2lbs dog meat

>Recipe for Chicken Parm
>It's a story of a woman going to college far from home, finding herself alienated and alone eventually meeting the love of her life and having 3 kids
>Add basil to taste

>>21421062
You have three kids!?

>>21420114 (OP)
>skip to recipe

>>21420661
Black Scalfoni

>>21420209
came here to post this

btw i use chatgpt now

>raw chicken
>salt to taste

>>21420616
thankfully pork comes without the pig

>>21421137
Was Chuky’s dad jewish?

>>21421226
no but since Dede was jewish that means that tommy is jewish but since tommy married a non jew he is not longer a jew.
chuckie marries drews (the better son who didn't marry a jew) daughter Angelica.
Which is funny because Tommie marrys chuckie step sister and chuckie marries Tommy's cousin angelica one could argue that the parents of chuckie and tommy had a plan all along and set this up before hand.
if we look at all the clues left by Lou his favorite number was 15. which means that angelica will have 15 kids.

>>21421244
Wait. Tommy married Kimi?

>>21421325
>my hubby works long shifts so this spaghetti dish sounded perfect and easy to make for him when he gets home
>I was out of pasta and tomato sauce and parmesan so I substituted a hot dog bun, some baloney and yellow mustard
>he said it was SOOO yummy!
>thanks again for the recipe 4 out of 5!

>got a dinner bun recipe from allrecipes more than a decade ago
>been using it ever since, making it occasionally as a mild sweet snack
>learned over time why the bottom of the buns were overbaked or burnt
>simply had to raise the position of the rack in the oven which the original recipe didn't mention

>>21421325
>I didn't have any flour so I substituted for cauliflower. Wtf this was the WORST cake I've ever had, 0/5

>>21421325
>I didn't have [insert ingredient here]
so go and get it then you fucking stupid bitch

>>21421385
I've seen shit like this so many times.

>>21420236
Mario if he real.

>>21420114 (OP)
>Want to check out an old recipe from chef John
>Accidentally open the Allrecipes link
>Open the blog
>Realize that the two recipes are different despise being called chef John's [recipe name]
Did they use a fucking bot?

>check out recipe for an obscure German cake
>It starts with the chef visiting his grandma
>He takes his grandma back to Germany
>They visit the town she grew up in
>They find an old childhood friend, the only one still alive
>They argue about the recipe, turns out it wasn't made of berries but plums since they were too poor to go to the market and would use the plums from trees that grew near the house
>How the custard is prepared in certain way because they would hold all birthdays and events in their own backyards and the cake had to stay outside for hours
>The recipe ends with pictures of the trip and old black and white pictures of people eating the cake and the old writings from grandma's little can full of recipes from back in the day
>I'm fucking crying

>>21421265
This nigga never watched All Grown Up

>>21421344
Thanks for filling me with seething rage at 9am from reading this

>>21420857
>yeaheaaahh boii

>read reviews
>every single one has changed something about the recipe

oyster taste like lewd comments

stop doing this.

>>21421325
Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to give Thatcher the snub nose?

>>21422342
gotem

>>21421519
>looking up obscure recipes
>the person making the recipe clearly isn't a good cook but they're the only person making it
That hurts.
A lot of the time its hard to judge the quality of something when the cook themselves isn't up to par.

>>21420503
it's very simple

>>21420668
lol

>preheat non-stick skillet over high heat
>add and lightly roast [incredibly delicate fruit/nut] until brown and fragrant, or SEVERAL MINUTES

these days using LLMs are vastly preferable option to googling recipes

How did Google fail for its entire existence to down rate blog spammers I dont know. I hope the company gets broken down by antitrust.

>>21425119
>Jump To Recipe button jumps to the ingredients list above the ai generated novella

>scroll down
>please rotate your device
No, I won't.

>open recipe
>15 ai generated paragraphs about the history of the recipe and what it's used for
>basic things like the the cook time are buried somewhere in the middle
>30 ad spots on the page

>>21424933
>recipe calls for a sprinkle of parmesan
>literally always use at least a cup's worth
fuck these karens and their pussy parmesan usage. reject sprinkle, embrace COAT

>>21424853
I've considered this but I don't trust LLMs to get it right. At least with a user-made recipe, there's a human experience and element to it.

>>21425215
the blogspammers dont fucking create the recipies
they just mildly alter few other recipes they googled or these days use LLM's to make them

>>21425218
In that case, my life is a lie and I will go back to printed cookbooks and modifying as necessary.

>>21425224
you're limited by local ingredients availability anyway

>>21425147
literally never had this problem

>>21425222
>its a dish that has to simmer for 2 hours

>>21420122
>r/recipes not r/ecipes

>>21420114 (OP)
>refrigerate for 30 minutes
>remove from the fridge and let rest at room temperature for 30 minutes

>>21420114 (OP)
>...viola!

>>21422342
>joey and ken.webm
>only oldfags will remember

i don't remember

>>21420114 (OP)
based.cooking

u r welcome faggot

>>21430011
I can endorse this

>ONLY 2 DOLLARS
>*per serving

>>21425147
>reading recipes in landscape orientation
Seems based

>$0.06 of olive oil
>$0.13 of heavy cream

>>21429024
Completely valid for Michelin fries

>>21420114 (OP)
>Fork crispy test

>>21420645
>>21420638
i swear, the prep time thing is the most infuriating. i know they way underestimate the prep time because otherwise people would be turned off from making it, but still. and im not a great cook or anything, but it does make me feel like a complete retard when my prep time takes so long. or you got professional youtube chefs like jean pierre who always has his mise en place before he even starts, vegetables diced, garlic minced, etc. so its just "yah just throw it in, look how easy it is!"

>>21420114 (OP)
>This recipe is super simple to make! Here's the steps below, but first
>In February, I visited my family in Vancouver, Canada. It was the first time I had seen them in two years. My mother wanted me to clear the attic of my possessions. I climbed up the ladder, turned on an old lamp, picked up heavy, overflowing cardboard boxes, and passed them down through the hole in the ceiling, careful not to touch the pink fiberglass insulation.

>In the living room, I sifted through old photos and mementos. Eventually, I came across a ringed notebook with a blue-and-pink cover. Inside, there were doodles and scribbles. I flipped through the pages, finding a passage with the headline "Confessions." I had written the account on the day before my 13th birthday. The date was February 24th, 2004.
>I was shocked to read the words. At age 12, I shared my transgressions. These included stuffing my bra, buying a thong, skinny dipping, stealing, kissing a boy, having cybersex, watching porn, and writing "bitch" on a school chalkboard.
>But the most moving detail was something I had no recollection of — I always knew I was gay.
I thought I didn't know this early
>I wrote that I felt strange around girls and that I thought I was a lesbian. Prior to this, I figured I hadn't known until age 18. I was sexually assaulted many times throughout my childhood and adolescence. Sexual assault taught me that I exist to appease men. The forces of compulsory heterosexuality tricked me into believing I was straight.
>Compulsory heterosexuality assumes that the only normal relationship is between a man and a woman, one that is often violently enforced in a patriarchal society. As a result, pursuing men should be of primary concern to women and girls, no matter the personal cost.
>This taught me that the amount of attention boys paid to me quantified my self-worth. To be loved, I had to appease their sexual desires, no questions asked. I couldn't conceive of enjoying sex with another person,

>>21432128
Lying about how long things take is literally a competitive, marketing style thing. Most people who are searching for recipes are big retards. When faced with two superficially identical recipes, are they going to click on "Recipe A - Easiest And Fastest Ever! [25 minutes](if you did all your prep ahead of time)" or "Recipe B - Name of the Dish [55 minutes]"? Also, that is my entry for the thread:
>easy
>fast
>simple
>quick
This just guarantees that the recipe is written for retards, and is either lying outright or at best telling the truth but cutting massive corners to speedrun the recipe. I avoid anything that says these systematically.

>>21420114 (OP)
>Cookingforengineers.com

>>21432160
One time I decided to actually check if the velveeta shells and cheese claim of being done in 10 minutes was actually true and found that it took like 22.5 minutes in reality. Maybe it takes 10 minutes if you have a magic stove tgar boils water instantly and don’t care about mixinf it smoothly.

>>21420121
>you are after all the opossum of what goes in your pumpkin blossom

>step 1: take the beef out of the fridge and allow to come to room temperature
>step 2: chop the onion finely
>step 3: bring a medium sized pot of water to a rolling boil, adding salt to taste. Add in all of the first stage ingredients except the beef, corn starch, jalapenos and half the butter and reduce heat. Allow to simmer, covered, for 20-30 minutes or until the giant galapagos beans are tender. While the mixture is simmering add the beef and jalapenos to a pan and brown with the remaining butter, before transferring to the pot (if the mixture is still watery you may need to uncover it to allow it to thicken up slightly) and continuing to simmer the combimed mixture until reaching spoonful down not drip off the spoon
>step 4: preheat over to 400F

>>21422926
This, she needs a proper big bore

>Just looking up a traditional recipe for something I mostly know how to make because I forgot 1 of the ingredients
>Just add triple the amount of this already overwhelming ingredient, and do not add one of the actual key ingredients

Recipe title:
>"COPYCAT Sambly's Megafries"
First sentence:
>"Lots of people love the ooey, gooey taste of Sambly's megafries. I do too, but they've always given me cancer so here's my IMPROVED version that tastes EVEN BETTER!"

>dough should be tacky but NOT sticky!
WHATS THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE

>>21434434
Tacky detaches from your hand.

>>21420197
lol the hand at the end what a comedian

>>21420270
>umami

no your mami

>>21420357
islamists are not afraid to die.. but they are afraid of him

>>21434434
you can work a tacky dough just fine but sticky dough sticks

>>21434434
Skill issue
>tacky is slightly adherent, not totally bone dry but mostly keeps to itself
>sticky pretty much glues itself to your hand or any other surface on contact

>>21430011
fuck off Luke

>>21434810
Was it autism?

> Michelin star dish
> look inside
> 30% butter

>>21434810
I initially laughed at that webm but then realized that dog probably has some sort of physical disability and then I felt bad

allrecipes, through the complete sloppifaction of the internet has become one of the better sites to find recipes because half the page isnt some AI generated life story no one cares about, and half the posts are from like 2014

>>21421385
Reminds me of the greentext where anon makes a cake for it sister and it turns out awful. He didn't have flour so the obvious substitute is tartar sauce.

>>21435803
>didn't have flour
I thought it was icing

>>21435803
>>21436299
It was cream of tartar in the recipe, replaced with tartar sauce.

>>21420232
>fills the room with a bacon smell

>>21420634
10 minutes per side then he's ready for heckin belly rubs

>>21436430
What seasonings do you put in yours?

>”it’s an old family recipe..”
>recipe is for pancakes

>>21436434
black pepper
cayenne pepper
garlic powder
onion powder
chili powder
cumin
coriander
oregano
smoked paprika
brown sugar
no salt

>>21436450
>chocolate chip cookie recipe
>its verbatim the one from the Tollhouse chip bag
I bought a cookbook that did this, was so annoyed I threw it in the trash

>>21436946
The other way around, anon-kun. The chip bag got the recipe from the cookbook.

>wow this recipe is great, my husband cleaned his plate and he's such a picky eater!
>it's a macaroni and cheese recipe

>tonight
>alright

>eyes
>lies
wait wrong board