Thread 64408315

You are a se/k/urity guard on the 4chan space prison. Your mission: Contain the horrors within

>>64408315 (OP)
Why contain it?

>>64408315 (OP)
>Be me
>new guard
>Chilling in guard booth
>Watching kdramas
>13:30
>Patrol failed to check in
>probablyhittingonnormalfagsfromsoc.mp3
>Have to go check them
>shrugs
>Picks up rifle
>press check
>Walks out of booth
>walks past /mu/ cells
>comfy tunes.mp3
>checks map
>radios control
>"Where are they"
>they respond
>"last check in was near high security /b/lock"
>ohno.ini
>comes to /b/lock
>vault door open
>gas masks on, safeties off
>bring scar17 to low ready
>opens inner door
>fog blows past
>steps inside
>unknown liquid oozing from the walls
>rainbowdash dakimakura standing up on its own
>lanky fuck huddle in corner jerking off to anime girl feet
>ignore him
>i dont bother him, he wont bother me
>sees flashlight on ground
>the bulb isnt warm
>it hasnt been here for a while
>next to it are several shell casing
> there is a trail
>follow trail
>come to guard leaned against the wall
>several bodies surround him
>pistol in hand
>bullet hole in skull
>went out fighting.exe
>press f to salute
>go to collect his dogtags
>push to the ground from behind
>turn to see troglodyte with hentai tshirt
>shot him on the head
>one shot one kill
>others notice
>they attack
>switch to full auto
>one mag after another fall to the floor
>out of ammo
>switching to your secondary id faster than reloading
>pull pistol
>too late
>the trog leap on me
>feel their wet bodies against me
>they pull my gas mask off
>the most horrid smell known to man enter my nose
>they start to undress
>things are look grim
>reach for standard issue HE grenade
>gonna drag as many as these degens with me to hell as possible
>pull pin
>Imreadyareyou.mp3
>the sound of thunder echos throughout the station

No mercy

>>64408315 (OP)
Jesus anon that's pretty fucking rude to say about the Bajorans.

>>64408315 (OP)
invent a prison federal reserve
easy

>>64408315 (OP)
Sounds like its time to hire some Bajoran war criminals and a weird guy that sleeps in a a bucket to handle this

>>64408315 (OP)
>Be me sec guard
>one of the inmates approach’s my booth that controls the rec rooms entrance doors
>His vile Cardi face looks smudged through the foot of transparent aluminium/duranium alloy separating us as he leers at me
>Unable to focus I click the intercom button
>”Unless someone’s getting shanked please fuck off inmate 8849”
>The Cardi in turn presses the incom button on his side “Mr Anon, do you rape inmates based on race or gender?”
>What?.jpg
>”Inmate 8849 what in God’s name are you talking about?”
>”You know? Do you rape based on race or gender”? The motherfucker pulls up eight stitched together pieces of paper done in crayon that seemed to be labyrinth of crude scribbles, arrows and slurs.
>I feel my brain starting to swell the longer I looked at it ”I don’t follow?”
>”It’s quite simple Mr Anon, say you have a female Human prisoner and a male Bajoran prisoner that are in need of punishment, will you rape the Human based on her lesser gender or will you rape the Bajoran based on his lesser species?”
>I feel my brain blue screening as I try to figure out what the fuck he just said to me, let along the fact that I’m actually trying to decide which is the correct answer.
>Before I can answer my shift supervisor comes up to me and puts his hand on my shoulder “that will do Anon, he’s baited you, go on your break and let it slide”
>As I get up and start walking I hear the Cardi scream out behind me “I’D HOPED YOU CHOSE THE BAJORAN CAUSE THERE’S A MOUTHY BAJORAN TWINK IN HERE IN NEED OF CORRECTION!”
>mfw

>>64408365
Hey, that puddle is a good and honest lawman, also nobody's particularly concerned that he's a puddle.

>>64408315 (OP)
>find attractive Cardassian female
>repeatedly insult her work performance, personal appearance, and personality
>have a number of children with her equal to the average onset of Cardie menopause divided by the average length of Cardassian gestation

>>64408315 (OP)
>immediately launch an operation to (operationally) take over station because the dumb fucks in charge allowed the inmates to guard the asylum
>execute /pol/, /x/, /mlp/, /bant/, /cm/, /hm/, /lgbt/, /y/, and most of /d/
>seal /b/ block and sever system connections as it's mostly bots and rogue AIs stuck in loops
>boards like /o/, /n/, /diy/, and /fit/ assigned to station development and wellbeing
>boards like /a/, /c/, /lit/, and /mu/ tasked with media creation
>/soc/, /hc/ and /biz/ in charge of station dating establishments and brothels
>/pw/, /out/, /an/, /qst/, and some /k/ommandos tasked with "acquiring" actual real women for the station in away teams
>survivors of /d/ tasked with creating actual cat girls and slime girls for uh... research purposes?
>/fit/ and /ck/ in charge of station nutrition, away teams also "acquire" ingredients while parts of /an/ operate hydroponic/aquaponic grow facilities
>assign teams from /k/, /m/, /diy/, and /g/ to high tech weapons development
>boards not mentioned assigned to relevant tasks or executed where appropriate

The station state of 4chanistan will be a great and prosperous space nation! All will see our memes and despair!

>>64408315 (OP)
This stations security and internal defenses are terrible, i will immediately have 2000 troops move in and secure the Pomade with a minimum of 100 KPVs.

Now get out of my way, i need to talk to this 'Kai Winn' person i have been hearing such good things about...

What I am absolutely certain of is I am not opening no god damn ore refinery. Ore mining, gathering, transportation, refining, shipping, or processing all leads to horrible death tolls among stationed personnel. I institute a ban on all ore, nothing's good ever come out of ore. Secondly I will try to reform as many prisoners as possible, not out of humanitarian concerns though that'd be a nice bonus, but out of concern that if I let these apes throw their shit willy nilly there will never be a calm day. They're not getting out, but I'd at least like to be able to tell my officers when they do or do not have to bring spit guards.

>>64408445
>most of /d/
Which /d/egens do you let live?

>>64408315 (OP)
>attention al bajoran sl....workers please report to the holodeck
>forget to turn off the intercom
>put on "Oh I wish I was in Cardasia" and sing along as I get changed
the rape of bajor wasn't real but it should have been

>>64408454
Can’t we have a little ore? You know as a treat for the Bajoran workers

>>64408460
It is worth noting that a purge of /d/ might be counter productive as it will negatively affect over all morale and you must consider the following fact: Since Furry and MLP content is banned from /d/ a purge would leave them unharmed and in a position to seize control of the stations pornography supply.

We must tread carefully.

>>64408483
Very well, we can employ them as son/d/erkommando until the furfag and horsefucker problem is solved.

>>64408353
Not rude enough I assure you!

>>64408445
>immediately launch an operation to (operationally) take over station
But I'd you don't administratively control it, do you really?

>>64408445
>he couldn’t handle the /bant/s

>>64408445
>purging /x/
Nah, /x/ is cool. We can draft them into the military intelligence directorate Alternatively, they can serve along side /his/ as archivist

Oh, I wish I was on Cardassia Prime,
Old times there were so cold but fine,
Look away, look away, Cardassia!
Where order ruled and truth was law,
And no one questioned what they saw,
Look away, glorious Cardassia!

Cardassia! The Union grand!
Cardassia Prime, the promised land!
Look away! Look away!
Look away, Cardassia!

In Cardassia where we were born,
Where every world was ours to scorn,
Look away, look away, Cardassia!
Where Bajor’s mines once lit the sky,
And soldiers marched with heads held high,
Look away, glorious Cardassia!

Cardassia! The Union grand!
Cardassia Prime, the promised land!
Look away! Look away!
Look away, Cardassia!

But the worms have turned, the war is done,
The Founders lied, the spoils now are none
Still I dream beneath the ruins’ glow,
Of a time when we ruled below.

Cardassia! So cold, so gray,
Still my heart can’t turn away
Look away! Look away!
Look away, Cardassia!

>>64408475
>The scene where Quark brings in a cake for the prisoners but it's a small basket of ore
The last time someone tried to ferry a small amount of ore off this station a crew of 12 died, we might allow for crystals for good behaviour. We might screen metal objects, honestly, I fear the inmates might try to break down the metal into its ore components and cause an incident that way.

>>64408315 (OP)
>se/k/urity guard
The word is janny. The only difference is that in the post-scarcity future, everything is done for free.

>>64408315 (OP)
The proper way to do a space prison is to have no permanent guard presence aboard. Guard staff are on a neighbouring station and have access to extensive surveillance and systems control instead, with their directives being enforced by total control of food, water, oxygen, general sundries and electricity supply to the prisoners. (And also complete control over internal hatches and the prison station self-destruct.) Actual contact between prisoners and staff is only permissible in emergency circumstances.

>>64408350
>>"last check in was near high security /b/lock"
Then they're already /d/ead

we have a problem gentlemen
>its leaking through the bulkheads

>>64408475
>Can’t we have a little ore?
You're under arrest for attempting to replicate cheese pizza.

>>64408703
>Nah, /x/ is cool.
t.

>>64408882
>Hey! I've seen this one!

>>64408919
Oh yes? What are you going to do, send me to a prison station?

>>64408939
I'm sending you to the worst prison in the Federation. It's in New Zealand, right next to the beach. May God have mercy upon your soul.

>>64408703
>Nah, /x/ is cool
This officer has been compromised. Records show he has missed the last three mandatory /jp/ cleansing rituals. Tulpa possession suspected.

Apprehend with extreme care - restricted weeb material is being prepared for him. Bring our boy home.

Oh shit looks like the tentacle entity on level 4 has gotten loose and is using every red-shirt female humanoid as brood stock, what do?

>>64409047
Let them be. No point rescuing them when their holes will all be blown out by the time we get there. Use the incident as a cautionary tale during orientation for newfags. If we actually need to save them for some reason, we're going to start with a mix of capsacin and caffeine to see how the tentacles respond.

>>64408905
Theres only one solution.Get the flamethrowers and fire suits ready.
Evac all non essential personal to the ships. They will have to live off station for a few days. While the smoke clears out

>>64409294
Stations cleard. Ÿ̸̡̜̩́̄͝ò̷̘̮̽ͅǘ̸͉ ̸̺̑c̵̨̙̩͉̝̤͆͒̎ḁ̸̇̒̆̓͊́̍͠n̵̗̆͐͌ ̶͖͆̽͋͛͝ċ̴̛̝͙̑͂͗̆o̸̡̺͙̰̊͑̎̾̚m̸̜̋̽̀̎͌̈́͑͝ę̸̬͙̹̣̂ ̸͇͐b̸͍͓̀͜a̴͉͆̇͝c̸̥̜̃k̷̭̼̆ ̴̨͎͔̾̓n̷̓͊͝o̶̢̫̍̀w̶̦̏͜.̷͚͛͒̀

>>64408315 (OP)
My first action is to make it station policy that Harry Kim will not be promoted, and any Harry Kim that attempts to receive a promotion anyway will be executed and replaced with another from the Harry Kim closet.
I have no second action, as no matter what goes wrong the station will return to the status quo full of prisoners and infinite shuttles within 45 minutes.

>>64409545
Chief, I got a message from Starflee/k/, they've recently changed from the Voyager-continuity to the Deep Space 9-continuity. We have about 4 minutes before the entire station falls apart like a rusty shed, now more than ever do we need an ethnic hard-hitting Chief of Operations with enough pudge to believe he's a working class man. Sir, we need Harry Kim.

>>64408315 (OP)
The first thing I would do is install cameras and RFID trackers everywhere. 99% of the crimes committed on Terok Nor would have been instantly solved if they had a 24/7 video.
Seriously, two Ferengi known criminals crawled through the ducts into the Captains office with zero alarms set off.

>>64408315 (OP)
What if instead of prison cells we just mindfuck prisoners into thinking they spent decades years in prison. i'm certain it'll save manpower.

>>64410206
The best part about the mindfuck prison is that you can issue rehabilitation programs to prisoners for zero cost.

>space prison
Hell no. I know where this is going to go. All hands to battle stations, we're gonna blow this station out of orbit and vaporize anything that survives. /k/ortana, you have the MAC. Weapons free, fire at will.

>>64410244
>Has the power to give everyone a tailored prison sentence
>Chooses to torture them for their entire life for the lulz
Really, really, backwards place.

>>64408882
Addendum: The REAL way to do prisons in a scifi setting is find a desolate, remote shithole planet that is barely survivable and turn it into a penal colony with an orbiting station and perhaps a small patrol squadron, with contact between prisoners and guards limited to regular supply drops, which you ideally also automate. Also keep the actual coordinates of the system itself on a strict need-to-know basis.

>>64410244
I have an idea.
Step 1: We mind fuck them into >Tag:Mindbreak
Step 2: We send those prisoners to a rehab facility that WE own
Step 3: We charge the goberment and insurance several times what the services actually cost and pocket the rest
Step 4: Profit

>>64410244
>rehabilitation

>>64411141
No fraternising with the guards, Inmate#5749/biz/.

>>64408353
>>64408639
I love you guys sometimes, anons

So Terok Nor was an ore processing plant in the prime universe and in the mirror the Terrans managed to turn it into a shipyard essentially. Do you think anons could turn it into a munitions factory?

>>64408800
https://vocaroo.com/1eTPLntu4F3A

>>64410707
This was tried. Sometimes they figure out a way to hijack your ships and stage a prison break anyway.

>>64413014
Why not just make the prison a space station with only one way in?

>>64408883
RIP

>>64409570
Ah fuck, nobody warned me there'd be long-term arcs and status quo changes. How many Harry Kims does it take to stand up to an O'Brien of suffering? If we can make do with three at once we can put them on alternating cycles so they're not all active at once, that'd probably weird out the rest of the crew too much.

Be advised: The clown has escaped containment.

>>64416048
Seal the bulkheads on decks 2-4 and fill them will VX NOW.
All personnel on those levels. /k/ will forever honor your sacrifice.

>>64408315 (OP)
simple prisoner's dilemma
no space suits, whole thing rigged to blow, I'm not there
Either everyone behaves or the space prison gets nuked

>>64416402
Too late, overload the reactor! It is the only choice!

>>64416004
If we rotate them on thirds, 1\3 operations, 1\3 engineering, 1\3 rest; we can make sure that we have a Kim at the ready at all times as well as one in the reclamation facility. This leaves ample opportunity for alien attacks, workplace accidents, as well as unsettling bedtime encounters. We can probably also use a pain stick or something whenever the suffering level drops, and if this doesn't keep this prison running then I don't know what will.

>>64416048
>>64416402
>>64416586
don't worry, the religious wing of /pol/ is getting this under control.

ATTENTION KIRA'S MOM
REPORT TO MY QUARTERS IMMEDIATELY

>>64416745
Attention Bajoran prisoners. We've heard reports that some of you believe that the 9mm is superior to the 45acp based on statistics relating to ballistic performance in real life scenarios. I would like to settle this debate by saying your wardens employ both, that'll be all. Glory to /k/ardassia.

>>64416753
>/k/ardassian side arms have only two modes
>9mm for less lethal and .45acp for kill

>>64408315 (OP)
>The year is 2XXX
>mfw still issued a S&W Model 10 and a PR-24 baton
Are 158gr wadcutters even effective against the horrors?

>>64409294
Err I think it just made it angry?

>>64416820
This is something only an optimistic and utopian vision of the future could bring us.

>>64408579
Some of your femboy and Nork allies will rebel if you come to down on furries too hard although they agree with your anti horse fucker policies.

Would you agree to ignoring the anthro tendencies of the DPRK and provide passive assistance to the people of Flower Hill while they neutralize the threat from Ponyville via direct invasion?

Someone hire the Krenim, there are some things that need to be erased from the timeline!

>>64420386
Time travel was banned after temporal war. We have to respect the treaty.

>>64408350
>be me
>cleaning crew the space prison
>unpaid intern
>fml
>14:00
>bossman calls
>hibosswtfdoyouwantfrommethistime.ALAC
>anon, one of the guards just an herod himself and a bunch of others, go clean it up
>and where might that be?
>/̵̦͐b̵̡́/̴̻̓
>shit
>goodluckhavefunanon.mov
>*click*
>shit
>grab my peltors and airpods
>don my hazmat
>roll out mop and bucket
>lezduit
>get to /b/
>go inside
>the scene before me can only be described as a crime against humanity against my eyes
>and I havent even gotten to the place I need to clean up yet
>spot the carnage
>awshitherewegoagain.jpeg
>get started
>it doesnt take long for the residents to take notice
>unbeknownst to me they slowly encircle me
>despite my earpro, noise cancelling and music blasting at full volume I can still hear their chants
>CLEAN IT UP JANNY
>and
>HE DOES IT FOR FREE
>dont know how they figured that last one out
>finish up
>have to make my leave
>still surrounded
>open my fanny pack
>take out a bunch of shitty polaroids with scantily dressed anime girls on them
>throw them to the side
>they pounce on the pile like a pack of hungry wolves
>make my way out
>tip fedora as the door closes behind me
>die a little more on the inside

Bump, we don't get enough of these threads.

>>64428142
The Starfleet approved term is "Damage report".
>Don't say 'sauce?' say 'I expect a full report.'
>Don't say 'Anyone else?' say 'I want to see you in my ready room.'
>Don't say 'OP is a fag' say 'Aw well, now we're all a little less secure in our moral certitude.'

>>64408406
If we can get more of them, just keep a few of them around in the janny's closet, someone fucks up, throw a bucket of cop on them

>>64428142
bump

>>64428142
>>64429758
Tell me anon, if these threads are so great, then why do they need to be bumped?

>>64429789
>Enabran tain
Because k is filled with the same 4 threads. Nothing wrong with keeping the whimsy alive

>>64430129
>Not knowing his Cardassians
I see you are a product of the Federation education system.

>>64430140
All spoon heads look the same to me

>>64408315 (OP)
I beg my CO to send me back to Titan station

>>64430154
Brave words for someone about to get sent to ore processing!

>>64429789
War criminal

>>64430140
Harmless pensioner

Learn the difference! It could save your life! Paid for by The Bajorans For Peaceful Cardassian Relations Foundation. (or bpcrf for short)

>>64430209

>Dukat head on Pendari Champion body

wew lad

>>64408315 (OP)
>tfw now the base “doctor”
God help you all

>>64430209
I told you about the ore bro, it keeps happening!

>>64431436
Euthanasia is a valid medical discipline.

>>64408445
>>64408315 (OP)
>/B/ in /Pol section
>Argue with third planetists
>They claim to be equal
>Say we depleted there dilithium or some gay shit
>Don't know what that is, when we want our ships powered we send orphans into the engines with radioactive fuel
> K/ike sperg enters our grimy shit hole and starts shooting wildly
>K/ike find it hard to control fire arm, bullets going everywhere
>It's fine this place is filled with foreigns anyway.
>My face when K/ike shooter ends up killing filthy zenos lol.png

>>64408350
F for respect for our greentext guard. It's a shame as there ain't many left, but at least he went out like a true boss.

>>64431661
Huh, I haven't seen a post that screams newfag that hard in ages.

>>64431770
>K/ike runs out of amo
> He has no legs (lol)
>Ask him why
>Some shit about being a patriot idk
>Whatever.jpg
>His fat ass is blocking the door
>Thank god I'm going to escape this containment section at last!
>Proceed to K/ike
>Apparently they have a fetish for anything from Mutt prime
>Time to tell them that the Abrams is a worthless heap of shit that can't stand up to real combat.

>>64413014
>actually landed the shuttle for the food delivery in a spot vulnerable to an ambush
Just, uh, don't do that?

>>64431661
Bot, stop posting. You should be sorting the trash for organic material.

>>64431828
>Be brother captain Chud if the imperial guard
>Be in the hallways if the space station
>Some crooked nosed man telling me to sort "organic material"
>No.png
>Utilise gun I took off the legless zogger
>Aim butt
>No such thing as out of ammo.

>>64413241
Because that's how you get canabalism. And planets won't pay you to house dead prisoners.

>>64432030
Mean cannibalism is always going to be a problem with a /k/ run prison. May as well embrace it and perhaps try our hands in the organ harvesting market?

>>64408315 (OP)
>course plotted
>autopilot engaged

>>64408460
Well obviously we need /mgg/ and /tsfg/ for cat girls and test subjects for cat girls respectively. I suppose the plane and car fuckers could make useful mechanics, but that still needs a cost/benefit analysis. I don't know of there's anyone with a fetish for proper accounting or similar jobs, but we could make an exception for those I suppose.

>>64408483
A thorough purge of /trash/ is only prudent and that should take care of them.

>>64433188
>attempting to purge trash
Oh boy that sounds like a great idea, let me just arm the self destruct because we're gonna need it.

>>64433498
>>64433188
>>64408460
>>64408483
The OSHA handbook says that a purge of /d/, /mlp/ and /trash/ might be counter productive to working conditions and worker morale, can we wait on that a bit?

>>64416048
>>64416742
>religious wing of /pol/
Back when I still played obviously the AI was either your biggest friend/enemy, but also, oddly enough, the chaplain would foil a large percentage of my clownery.

>>64433585
Puritanism is the fear that someone, somewhere, might be having fun so that makes sense.

>>64433585
Chaplain is either entirely pointless, or the hero of the station

>>64412453
>https://vocaroo.com/1eTPLntu4F3A
So true.

>>64408315 (OP)
>Be me
>SecOff on the prison station
>Because apparently they trusted us /k/ommandos with being the Capos
>Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong here
>First shift
>Don my finest larpkit
>Grab raifu
>HK51b
>Because my wrists might not exist after using her, but neither will the other guy
>Check duty roster
>/trash/ wing
>Fuckme.png

I've heard some bad shit, which honestly hasn't surprised me seeing as its /trash/ but I've heard the /b/tard/b/loc is worse. I've already put in for double-strength CBRN seals, anything else I should ask for?

>/int/
>/his/
>/vst/
One of these is getting cut. We need to make way for more /vg/ inmates

>>64434909
The /v/ board wings are just being regularly decimated to keep making space. Routinely wiping out 1/10th of the population is proving rather sustainable.

>>64434909
/int/ shouldn't be a problem as venting their sector to space to remove the feces buildup (why do they shit on the floor there's bathrooms like every 100 feet) also takes a good number of them out too.

>vent /tv/ atmosphere
>shoot norktard
>Shoot myself
>Masturbate

>>64433777
>entirely pointless, or the hero of the station
That's everyone except the single engineer who gets the singularity started at the beginning of a round. And even such an essential guy is only needed in the first 5 minutes of the game.

I sell Armatards ass for cigarettes

>all is quiet
>nothing but crickets
>crickets
>/an/!
>endless crickets devour their cell's metal bars
>they pour out of /an/ cell
>the adjacent /out/ and /d/ cells present no resistance
>strengthening, amassing

>/k/ cell gets into formation
>3 cells-worth make the current onslaught
>/k/ has planned for 5 cells
>underwear elastic crossbows with plastic utensil bullets at the ready
>coordinated fire between the bars
>past the oncoming swarm
>across the prison
>bullets hit their mark
>/pol/ cell riddled, swiss-cheesed
>/pol/ is no more

>weapons exhausted, their job done
>crickets overwhelm /k/
>worth it.png

>crickets swarm toward /g/ cell
>the /g/ cell supersonic defense sound system powers-up with the THX logo sound
>but the bit of wire you handle most
>right where you plug it in
>has worn-out
>so you need to bend the wire just right to get stereo sound
>/g/ cell bending it around
>gets it
>tries to stop touching it really fast but naw
>the /an/imal cricket wave gives a great supersonic CHIRP
>/g/ cell feels their very copper wires vibrate before they are no more


>the /an/imal cricket tsunami eats several cells without hinderance
>/po/ folds
>/p/ blinks
.>/lit/ only leaves a note that says, "Et may or may not Crick, but, now, at the end, having it all, and, facing it all, I can see, that, Crick Et."
>/mu/ *cricket noises*
>/o/ has a weird chirping sound on startup that sounds like a slipping belt, but can't be the belt because /o/ just changed it herself
>/vp/ explodes with Kricketune lewd fanart

>shock, fear, horniness, happiness and/or horniness quiets the other cells for a moment

>except for the corner cell
>"KER-POW!"
>*cricket noises*
>"BANG! PWOAH!"
>*cricket noises*
>"GET DOWN!"
>*rapid cricket noises*
>the /an/imal cricket horde altogether floods the corner cell
>in the corner cell /toy/ has built two k'nex vehicles
>crashing them together to see which wins
>/an/imal cricket horde blocks out the florescent light
>"Wanna play?"
>/toy/ and /an/ have fun.

>[ssshhhrrrrkkkkkk]
>"T-this is Sergeant Anonson"
>"Q Turret magazines been hit by the radditors"
>[pained breathing]
>"we can't contain the fagire... seal the bulkheads and void the compartment"
>"/k/ube speed... remember us"

>>64434513
A chastity belt with reinforced armour plate over the vitals. Just... trust me on this and don't ask why I know. I can still hear the patrol leads screams....

>>64433777
Err I think our Chaplain is having too much fun on the holodeck again?

>>64437205
Remove the lsd feed lines and give him oh.... an hour?

>>64437205
>not Priest of the Kube
Come on man.

>>64439669
/k/ube Priest?

>>64408315 (OP)
We need to imprison redditors there tooo

>>64408315 (OP)
>officer Fudmar, exchange security personnel program, former range supervisor on Fuddloar Prime, on loan from Fuddloarian Ministry of Rapid Fire Prevention
>drink coffee and smoke/dip all day in the guard staff lounge
>when asked about duty rosters, or activity only points out that the type two phaser pistol is all you need for security and that it was good enough during the /K/lingon wars.
>if pressed will set about scouring the room for empty type two power cells to recycle, ESPECIALLY if they’re not mine
>may comment on how Romulans will overload their hand disruptors by placing a rifle power cell in a pistol and that this can and will stop anything short of a type two phaser pistol in the hands of a trained operator
>’you don’t need all that fancy phased energy Dominicool stuff, not when there’s a good type two phaser pistol and a few power cells at hand.’

>>64408315 (OP)
fuck that I'm gonna go chill out in the holosuit for an 8 hour goon sesh barclay style with a bunch of hot scantily clad romulan women. I'm sure the rest of the guards can take care of whatever goes wrong and that the holosuit itself won't try to kill me.