how you doing today anon? it's the middle of the week, just two more days until its the weekend dont give up! have you been listening to anything cool recently?

>>81765621 (OP)
I was in a hole and almost crawled out of it. But then I followed someobdies well meant advice and now im back in the pit.
It could take years to correct.

>>81765621 (OP)
i watched haibane renmei and it made me feel more suicidal

>>81765621 (OP)
I got stoned listened to the viagra boys and some white girl music for a bit today. If thats worth anything to ya

>>81765621 (OP)
Writing lab reports for university and I struggle to get anything done cause depressed. Heatwave finally broke so it is more bearable at least.

>>81765621 (OP)
>have you been listening to anything cool recently?
I've been listening to E7i.

>>81765621 (OP)
I won't give up on putting me peener en teh vageener

>>81765621 (OP)
>dont give up!
it really hard not to when you're a sea monkey

>>81765621 (OP)
I got ghosted after sending a pic of myself as requested. At least I didn't get posted all over r9k I suppose.

>>81765706
sorry to hear that anon. you can manage to crawl out of it once more, i know you can! you've done it before. its not about how many times you get knocked down but its about how many times you can get back up. how did the advice of someone make things so much more dire?
>>81765720
>haibane renmei
hmmm. it does seem interesting from the premise. what exactly made you feel that way?
>>81765846
very worth! thanks for sharing. white girl music can be enjoyable at times i have to admit...
>>81765890
good luck with the reports anon. i get the struggle you go through, and also the heatwave. god it was awful where i live but now its over thankfully. do you have an AC or something?
>>81765894
>I've been listening to E7i.
whats that?
>>81765910
never change anon
>>81766010
could always be worse anon, could always be worse
>>81766016
that sucks. i think you should make it a policy to yourself to never send pictures of you online to anyone. its rarely worth the risk imo

>>81766130
>hmmm. it does seem interesting from the premise. what exactly made you feel that way?
its implied both main characters killed themselves, which is how they ended up haibane. they get to be free. it sounds so nice

>>81766130
>you can manage to crawl out of it once more
no undoing NEETing your earliest years tho. Getting your first job at my age is starting to get weird.

>how did the advice of someone make things so much more dire?
I wanted to apply for an insanely good position that i could to my entire life and one in which i had very good chances to be accepted but my mom insisted on me doing an internship first and applying later. Now its too late. They are not sure if they will open their doors next year either. So far no other listing comes close to this one and there are very few in the first place because im so late.

I really thought i made it.

>>81766130
>its rarely worth the risk imo
But you don't get a reward if you don't take a risk. It's a shame.

>>81765621 (OP)
I'm thinking of you every night

>>81766130
>whats that?
It's an artist I've been listening to. My favorite song of his is 'Pieces.

>>81765621 (OP)
>how you doing today anon?
I've been better but I've also been worse. Just been kind of treading water lately. I'm managing but I've been pretty depressed. Feel like my whole life's been a complete waste of time. I can't handle anything, nothing good ever really happens. Feel like I'm just killing time until I can finally die. I get to talk to my therapist later though which I'm kind of looking forward to. I like talking to her, she's really nice. How are you doing today?
>been listening to anything cool recently?
https://youtu.be/RnatkV_92Bw?feature=shared

>>81766325
>they get to be free. it sounds so nice
i see. reminds me of this interaction i've read:
"one day, im gonna grow wings"
"death or freedom?"
"you just said freedom twice"
i wonder if the reason why angels are depicted with wings, is because they are dead. i hope you'll stay here with us for a bit more time though anon.
>>81766441
>your first job at my age is starting to get weird
personally, i think anyone that managed to crawl out of the pit that is depression and neeting and wants to get back into living is someone others should look up to. dont think you're weird, theres loads of people like you, and you're doing your best. other people will always judge what you do, no matter how good of a person or how awful of a person you are anyways.
>doing an internship first and applying later
hm... internships are such scams honestly. sucks that you missed the opportunity anon. i hope you can find something else.
>>81766449
>you don't get a reward if you don't take a risk
i agree, and i think taking risks is the right thing to do. but anon, you need to be the one in control of the reward. you cant expect other people to give it to you. still, i think you've learned something from the experience anyway.
>>81766463
well uhm, thanks... why me?
>>81766470
i tried looking it up on spotify but i cant find it. would you mind sharing the song here? i'd like to listen!
>>81766542
>my whole life's been a complete waste of time
...same. dont say that nothing good ever really happens though. we both know thats a lie our depression tells to ourselves. you said you like talking to your therapist, so isnt that something good in your life hmmm? even if its an almost insignificant thing compared to the bad ones.
>Feel like I'm just killing time until I can finally die.
thats, kind of what everyone is doing after all...
>How are you doing today?
im doing okay! thank you. just feeling kind of lonely. but talking with you anons helps. thanks for the song, its really nice!

>>81766130
>good luck with the reports anon
I got actually screwed over, man. Some supervisors ask for like 2-3 pages max, mine wants 30 minimum. No AC unfortunately.

>>81765621 (OP)
>how you doing today anon?
Nightmare pit from hell like yesterday, but I said enough about that most days. I hope you are doing well.

>>81766776
>"one day, im gonna grow wings"
"death or freedom?"
do you remember where the interaction was from? sounds like its from smth interesting
>i wonder if the reason why angels are depicted with wings, is because they are dead.
thats a good theory, it matches with how people depict deceased children with wings alot
>i hope you'll stay here with us for a bit more time though anon.
i probably have a few winters left, i dont want to live to 30 tho, so no more than 9

>>81766776
>i tried looking it up on spotify but i cant find it. would you mind sharing the song here? i'd like to listen!
https://youtu.be/pQcvwdcUjLA?si=cx1WlJ664N1z0ZaK

>>81766904
>mine wants 30 minimum
holy cow. are you sure he didnt mistype 3 for 30 in the email or something? thats crazy.
>No AC
we both suffer in the heat then...
>>81766976
ganbare anon. im doing okay, thank you! just destroying my pinky finger on guitar at the moment.
>>81766983
>do you remember where the interaction was from?
sadly no, i dont
>it matches with how people depict deceased children
hm hm. wings depict freedom so... i guess eventually we're all gonna turn into birds. must be nice being a bird though. i envy them.
>i dont want to live to 30 tho
you and me both anon. but i think its best if we both focus on the present, rather than on what awaits us in the future. who knows! maybe things will change.
>>81766990
thank you! i really liked the song. i also found it on spootify and it shall be added to my playlists. has some kind of early 2000s vibes that i like

>>81767168
>thank you! i really liked the song
Glad to hear it, anon

>>81767168
>hm hm. wings depict freedom so... i guess eventually we're all gonna turn into birds. must be nice being a bird though. i envy them.
perhaps, i envy them too. but i envy anyone no longer here
>you and me both anon. but i think its best if we both focus on the present, rather than on what awaits us in the future. who knows! maybe things will change
its funny, i actually feel better thinking about suicide. like i dont need to worry so much about anything anymore. the thought that this will all be over soon is like a comforting blanket

>>81767168
>holy cow. are you sure he didnt mistype 3 for 30
Nah, he wants the report in the form of a masters thesis, just shorter. 30 pages and 40 refs min.
Would probably be easier to do if I was more interested in the whole thing. I got placed in the course last minute cause no more openings were left anywhere else. No I get to write 30 pages about bioassays in cancer research and different cytotoxic compounds that I tested.

>>81767371
>but i envy anyone no longer here
yeah. if i may ask, for how long have you been feeling suicidal?
>i actually feel better thinking about suicide
i do too, i feel like that aswell, but. sometimes, when i think about dying im terrified. not of death itself, im terrified of having to leave everyone and everything, without having done the things i want to do. i dont want to leave my friends alone in this cruel world, and i dont want to leave before i do the things i want to do. but, every day that passes seems more and more like i'll have to leave before im ready to. what do you think happens after we die?
>>81767505
>I got placed in the course last minute cause no more openings were left anywhere else
i dont really understand much of the academics world, but it seems like its really annoying to deal with. are you trying to get a PhD anon?

i'm in despair, i also have to wage slave extra hard. so maybe i won't be totally broke.
last thing i listened to was

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq-knHXSKYY&list=RDXq-knHXSKYY&start_radio=1

>>81767842
>i dont really understand much of the academics world
I'm getting a masters degree in chemistry, I'm like halfway done. The whole thing was just poorly planned imo. They barely had enough supervisors on the synthesis side and one got sick so I got shuffled over to the analytics department.
Also did enough writing for today and am just gonna chill now. Watch some anime or play some games.

>took melatonin
>still can't sleep.
fucking hating myself.
i'm a graveyard shift wagie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZebLTuMw28&list=RDgZebLTuMw28&start_radio=1

>>81767842
>yeah. if i may ask, for how long have you been feeling suicidal?
off and on for years
>im terrified of having to leave everyone and everything, without having done the things i want to do
i can relate to the former. i dont want to leave my few friends or family, theyve been the only thing keeping me going for a long time now. i dont have anyth i wanna do badly tho.
>every day that passes seems more and more like i'll have to leave before im ready to
are you physically ill? or is it all mental? i can relate alot if its the latter. it feels like suicide is an inevitability that im slowly drifting toward with no willpower or strength to fight the gentle current
>what do you think happens after we die?
im not confident in anything. tho, personal experience would tell me death is like anesthesia. a timeless and brief darkness before the reemergence of the consciousness

>>81766776
>you said you like talking to your therapist, so isnt that something good in your life hmmm?
I know, anon. You are right. The negative feelings just tend to block out everything else. My memory is piss poor too. Seems like if I don't have a consistent reminder that good things can happen that I just forget. I just got back from talking to my therapist and I do feel much better now. She is just too kind to me. I mean, I know I pay her but she seems like she genuinely cares about me and wants things to get better for me. She told me so herself and she was like tearing up when she said. Crazy stuff, don't know why she would do that lol. But I feel like I just got pointed back in the right direction. I think I'm probably going to leave 4chan again. I just came back after like a 3 month break. But I know this place isn't really going to help me feel less lonely. It always just makes things worse in the long run. You know?
>feeling kind of lonely
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely too though, anon. I really hope things can get better for you. Take care of yourself. And I'm glad you liked my song. Have another. See you around. https://youtu.be/ioW5ljJrYcs?feature=shared

mildly planning my suicide, next time i def gotta use a gun. should also be in the woods in december. Even if i don't instantly die, the cold should numb the pain/help me pass out faster.
life sure does suck.

>>81767952
>I'm getting a masters degree in chemistry
oh wow! thats impressive. good luck!
>the analytics department.
wait, so now you cant even study what you wanna study?
>Watch some anime or play some games.
hope u have fun. what games have you been playing?
>>81767975
>took melatonin
>still can't sleep
i feel you anon. melatonin really didnt help much for me either.
>graveyard shift
what kind of things do you do?
also thank you for the song! it was nice
>>81767996
>off and on for years
do you remember what might've started these thoughts?
>the only thing keeping me going for a long time now
yeah. i dont think i'd be alive right now if it wasnt for them.
>i dont have anyth i wanna do
really? maybe you should try and give it some thought. even if its something you think insignificant, it counts!
>or is it all mental?
its all mental. i think im just getting worse with time.
>it feels like suicide is an inevitability
thats exactly how i feel too. i feel like nothing i've tried or that i can try can sway me away from this path, so im desperately trying to do everything i wanna do before i inevitably reach the time when i have to go.
>a timeless and brief darkness before the reemergence
and how would this reemergence occur? i believe in reincarnation, so i think that something similar to what you describe might happen. its black until your soul gets reincarnated into some other living creature.
>>81768002
>if I don't have a reminder that good things can happen
i get how you feel. i really do. it seems like its that way for me aswell. i tend to forget the good things that happen to me way more than the bad ones too.
>I do feel much better now
im glad! then its working. i would advise you against getting too attached to her though, it cant be good in the long run.
>You know?
yes. i understand. but i feel like this is the only place where i can talk with people like me. thanks for the song! have a good one anon.
>>81768089
is it really that easy to get a gun there?

>>81768352
>oh wow! thats impressive. good luck!
Thanks, I appreciate that!
>wait, so now you cant even study what you wanna study?
Usually you do, just this time they didn't plan for shit correctly and I ended up in a pretty awkward situation. I could either do a lab in an area I had no interest in aand get credit or tell them that I only want to do synthesis and wait until the next semester and get in 100%. Waiting would mean adding on another semester and I don't want to do that.
Probably just gonna play some Diablo 2 or something. But I did buy the Crash remaster for PC so maybe that, I played a little and it is really fun.

>>81768352
>do you remember what might've started these thoughts?
unfortunately no, my memory is awful. i can only recall most of it in "broad strokes", with very little detail or coherence. and thats if i remember anything at all. i have big gaps
>really? maybe you should try and give it some thought. even if its something you think insignificant, it counts!
ive tried, nothing gets me excited for long
>so im desperately trying to do everything i wanna do before i inevitably reach the time when i have to go.
i am sry anon. i wish i could help somehow. i hate seeing other anons in such a bad place. i hope you can get to everything you wanna do before you depart this world
>and how would this reemergence occur?
perhaps it is how you think it might be. i lean more toward quantum immortality tho, or controversially that the universe may be infinite in time and possibility, making it inevitable that a dead consciousness would always eventually awaken at some point, somewhere.

>>81768411
>I could either do a lab in an area
woah a lab? would you do experiments in it or something? (i genuinely dont know)
>But I did buy the Crash remaster for PC
heheh im glad you liked it! i actually ended up buying it too even though i've played those games so many times already. also, the best one is crash 2 not the first. the first one is still great though.
>>81768519
>i can only recall most of it in "broad strokes"
same here. it really feels to me that my memories are just chunks of random stuff that happened in my life. some years of my life dont even feel like i've lived them because i cant remember anything.
>nothing gets me excited for long
i get it. what about some places you'd like to see?
>i hope you can get to everything you wanna do before you depart this world
thank you, it helps knowing im not the only one, even though i kinda wish i was. i wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone ever. i hope some day we can both be happy.
>that the universe may be infinite in time and possibility
hmm, interesting. perhaps we may awaken in other dimensions? after all the heat death of the universe is a thing. and after that what happens? our dimension just disappears and evryone gets sent to the next? who knows. sometimes i wish i could live forever to see how everything ends. but i dont think i could live that long without losing my mind...

>>81768726
>some years of my life dont even feel like i've lived them because i cant remember anything.
same. its so strange living without so much memory
>i get it. what about some places you'd like to see
i like cold snowy places, so maybe hokkaido or alaska would be neat, idk. i dont feel much motivation to travel
>thank you, it helps knowing im not the only one, even though i kinda wish i was. i wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone ever. i hope some day we can both be happy.
itd be nice if we both got happy endings, ya
>hmm, interesting. perhaps we may awaken in other dimensions
maybe. some part of me doesnt want an answer anyway, because i feel whatever it is, itll prob be maddening
>but i dont think i could live that long without losing my mind...
ya lol. it might be tolerable if it was possible to just observe from a distance n never get involved, but idk

>>81768726
>I could either do a lab in an area
Lab on the synthesis side would have been in organometallic chemistry working on complexes with anti cancer activity i.e synthesizing them. Analytic side was just testing compounds on different cancer cell lines and seeing how effective/cytotoxic they are using stuff like flow cytometry.

>>81765621 (OP)
I've been genuinely thinking about killing myself everyday, my life just isn't going anywhere and im getting old.
The other day I watched Orange anime and broke down when Kakeru opened up about wanting to kill himself.

Im completely fucked.

>>81765621 (OP)
Terrible, want to get drunk and jump off bridge

>>81767870
avicii is good. i wish he could've lived longer. dont give up anon, work sucks ass but at least you get some moneys.
>>81768861
>its so strange living without so much memory
it makes me think whats the point of doing anything if im not gonna remember most of it anyway...
>i like cold snowy places
they're my favourites! i love the mountains. i want to live (and possibly die) on one. i've nver really seen much snow in my life and i always turn back to a kid whenever i go to a snowy place. i wanna make a snowman someday
>i dont feel much motivation to travel
try thinking about all the fun you can have if you do. maybe it'll help!
>some part of me doesnt want an answer anyway
ignorance is bliss. also, have we talked before anon? i get a feeling that we have
>>81769197
uhm... i honestly have no idea what half of the words you said mean, but if you are working to cure cancer or something of that extent then i hope everything goes great for you!
>>81769201
its hard anon i know. its okay to let out your feelings though. do your best, and if you really really cant find the will to live anymore, then i just wish that you can be happy on the other side
>>81769219
...maybe only get drunk?

>>81769465
>uhm... i honestly have no idea what half of the words you said mean
Thanks, dude. Doubt I'll stay in cancer research though, I just want to do organic chem and play with dangerous chemicals desu. Appreciate you making those threads and talking with people btw.

>>81769695
>I just want to do organic chem and play with dangerous chemicals desu
thats understandable. just try not to blow yourself up hm.
>Appreciate you making those threads and talking with people btw.
aw thanks, its my pleasure really. i enjoy talking with the anons here when they're nice, it makes me feel less and alone and i like discovering things about people i guess.

>>81765621 (OP)
>how you doing today anon?
awful and i'm tired