>scrolling the camera roll
>saw the pics from when i was first getting hrt before getting caught and having to wait for another 1.5 years
>the hopeful look in my eye
>the soft facial features
>the non-expanded jaw
>the smaller nose and browbone
>the smile
>the goddamn genuine smile at a hopeful future

Fuck. I just had to lose it all. I changed so much in such a short amount of time, and i could have prevented it.

How do you find the motivation to any sort of transitioning, when you're convinced it's a waste of time. I'm 20 and about 3 months hrt but I've fried my brain with so much fucking worms and doo ming that it feels impossible for me to ever pass at all ever, and then it feels impossible to find the motivation ti put in the work that could make that possible because it feels pointless. Idk sorry i just need help because it has been 2 weeks straight now of me being unable to control myself and just non stop crying i wish i could ever be a woman ever but it's never going to happen

I'm extremely uncomfortable talking about trans stuff to anybody in my life because it's awkward and they'll probably see me as a disgusting moid pervert for it and I don't like whining or whatever. So I never talk about it.
The issue is that because i just kinda try bottle everything up to avoid talking about it, my unaccepting parents appear to think they're "winning" and that they were correct that I'll just get over it eventually, if they do ask me about it I'll say it's still there but "not that bad right now" because I don't want them worrying about me and I especially don't want to talk about it where it'll end up as them screaming at me for being a confused autistic boy tricked by the internet or whatever.
I wish I could afford to move out but that won't be for another year but I just hate so much that they probably think they're right and doing a great job when my dysphoria is worse than ever.
What we ye recommend I do ig idk I really don't want to have another conversation about it but it feels like I have to at some point but i hate talking about it so much. Idk have ye dealt with anything similar?

I can never actually come out, I've always been ridiculously malebrained in comparison to say my sisters like i can never come out to them without feeling like a creepy male fraud fake trans evil person and that'll they'll see me for the fake moidb rained moidsouled moid i am forever and realise I'm not actually trans and feel disgusted by me. Like idk how I'd ever come out ever so ig I'll just have to hope i can manmode forever but i want to girlmode but will never be able to idk. I wish i wasn't so obviously a fake trans moid that i could at least come out to people without their immediate assumption being I'm faking it

if I ever get into an abusive relationship, I deserve it. what the fuck is wrong with me.