Thread 33518001

I just opened up to my girlfriend about an incredibly deep and personal secret regarding my porn addiction/struggles with intrusive thoughts after suffering a depressive episode. It went really really badly. I don’t know what to do.

I have OCD and an anxiety disorder and have kept this secret hidden from everyone in my life, including my friends and family, out of shame, guilt, and the fear of resentment/misunderstanding. Said shame is the single biggest contributor to my poor mental health and inability to see myself positively. My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and she is only person I’ve ever been close enough to trust with this information.

After the initial wave of support came basically two days of explaining to me how overwhelmed it made her feel, how betrayed she feels that I kept a secret from her, how she doesn’t trust me to get the help I need, and how she isn’t the one who can help me. I have had to apologize over and over again for different ways this has affected her feelings and I now consider the admittance a mistake. She says she can’t see our relationship the same way anymore and that it will take her a very long time to get over.

I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this at the moment and it feels like all of the fears my OCD/self hatred had instilled in me have come to pass. l have genuinely considered suicide at multiple points in this process and wish I’d just stayed closed off.

What should I do?

>>33518001 (OP)
I've heard that you shouldn't tell women stuff like that unless maybe you've Been together for a Long long time maybe even had kids first

>>33518001 (OP)
I think the tact her is be more vulnerable. She's saying she feels hurt, tell her you feel her that you shared something so shameful and you don't feel supported at all

>>33518001 (OP)
Was the admission about your porn addiction in general, or something specific related to it? How bad did it get?

>>33518132
I still struggle with it, have since my OCD symptoms began to arise when I was a kid. I believe they’re intertwined and that it’s become a ritual for me. I’ve tried to kick it multiple times by myself, but have always been too ashamed to ask for help. Thankfully it doesn’t affect my day to day life too much as it only ever rears its head in the morning and at night, it’s more of a self image thing.

>>33518113
I tried that and it didn’t work too well. Turned into her ostensibly guilt tripping me with lines like “I won’t tell you how I’m feeling, seems like all I’m doing is making things worse!” etc. She eventually spiraled into listing off other problems she has with me.

>>33518149
Has it led you to watching anything you'd consider harmful or illegal? Porn addiction is way more common than you think and it's extremely easy to spiral. I can get why she'd be shocked by it but I don't think it's any kind of betrayal. Porn is pushed on us for the sole reason of getting us addicted.

>>33518209
It started when I was a kid and stumbled across gender transformation fetish content on the internet. Suffice to say the fetish has stuck with me through adulthood despite my best efforts.

I haven’t watched anything illegal, no. The worst it’s gotten has been causing me to get into other transformation niches. I suppose there have been occasions where I’ve viewed things that involve underage characters, but that’s the absolute farthest it’s gotten and has been that way since I was underage myself. The whole ordeal has left me with a very warped relationship with my sexuality that I desperately want to cut out. It’s very hard to describe the feelings that lead me to masturbate compulsively, but it’s like my body works on autopilot.

My girlfriend is very sex positive and has inquired if I had any fetishes in the past, which is a major reason why I felt comfortable opening up to her about it. I don’t think she’s so much shocked by the contents but the fact that I kept it from her.

>>33518246
It sounds like the OCD is the bigger problem than the porn is.

>>33518260
Probably. At the heart of it I just feel very stuck because of how isolated she’s made me feel in her response to everything, and I feel like my compulsions have ruined our relationship.

I’m trying to convince myself that I made the right decision by taking the first step and opening up, but it’s really hard to see it that when when this is the result.

>>33518274
You definitely did the right thing, but we don't know the details of the relationship. People shit on therapy here but I've gotten help for some similar shit and it can be helpful to stop blaming yourself.

>>33518001 (OP)
Fuck off you reap what you sow nigger, you are probably one of those faggots autistically bashing everyone for goonposting on various boards. GG, enjoy irl you fucking aspie nigger.

>>33518246
nigga you don't talk about sissy hypno with bitches, how fucking retarded are you? Just troon out and let this end, you already fucked up. LMAO.
>we are close so we have to tell eachother everything
Don't fall for the fucking psyop from women nigger, there is a small fraction in everyone that if revealed will repel even those who love you the most. That shit, anon, you never say a fucking word about it. Dumb nigger.

>>33518149
>have always been too ashamed to ask for help.
Ask for help.

nigger I've cranked my hog that this shit, and I'm fine, your problem is you feel excessive guilt for being a coomer, that you revealed it to someone, and made it a problem. If you didn't coom-shame yourself you wouldn't even be in this situation, sorry that your sought purification through public humilation with your gf as your acountabillybuddy.
Talk to this shit to a FUCKING THERAPIST not your gf baka retard nigger.

>>33518001 (OP)
give me her snap/insta/discord you fumbled it utterly, I'll plap her form here. With every thrust I give your gf p00si I want you to remember this lesson.

>>33518274
>Probably. At the heart of it I just feel very stuck because of how isolated she’s made me feel in her response to everything,
This is weird. Normal people don't demand information like this. Also, isolation is a common abuse tactic.

She may not be doing it intentionally but you should still rape her for talking to you like that

>>33518713
you sound like a faggot, shut up, it's not weird, women are just retarded.

A lot of shit advice on her per usual. Most women don't want their men looking at porn and view it as a form of cheating. You can rationalize it all you want, but would you be happy to learn your gf was watching other dudes and getting off to them instead of you? I doubt it. And even if you didn't mind, she does and that is the situation. At this point you've already done what is known as a disclosure and it hit her hard. You will likely need help at this point to get over your porn problem, so I suggest going to therapy or/and looking into recovery/support groups for porn addiction
>Porn Addicts Anonymous
>Sex Addicts Anonymous
Both those groups you would find some help - SAA is almost entirely full of porn addicts. You taking ACTION to get help and change will make 10x more impact on her than just words and apologies.

>>33518780
shut the fuck up femoid I hope every man in your life jerks off to women 10x hotter than you.

>>33518001 (OP)
Yeah you never tell women about men's issues. Not because women are bad or something, but it's just that they can't help at all. They don't know how and have zero understanding on how men's sexual hormones work.
And that goes double for the woman you are dating, they won't be able to help and on top of that will punish you for struggling because of emotional biases, understandable ones at that (that's your woman, and she will hate the fact you looked at imagery of other women).

This is a problem you should only talk to men about. Either your own father, a male therapist (one who doesn't regurgitate female coded therapy) or other male peers (ones who aren't coomer brained).

>>33518801
>tell your own father about your sissy hypno problems
no, no you're almost there, but no just a male therapist, that's it ZING that's it buddy.

>>33518733
>women are just retarded.
Retarded is weird. This is weird behavior in normal humans mf nigger theyre not all like this

>>33518820
doubt, cope, seethe, fuckoff before you make spergop do something else retarded.

>>33518830
You should try getting laid, its pretty nice. Especially with NORMAL women

>>33518845
blah blah blah shut up, I will protect op in his vulnerable moment, he is clearly a sperg, and we autists must help eachother. fuck off and go somewhere else to run your psyops.

>>33518001 (OP)
I am sorry to have to tell you this, brother, but you done fucked up. In general, seeking help from women is a big mistake for a man. When you are in a relationship with said woman this goes double. When it involves sexual shame then this rule applies 10x. I knew a guy who basically did what you did and his wife immediately hated him, said he disgusted her and told him she hates him and wants him to die. She said she was going to tell everyone in both of their families and lives, and she followed through. She told his employer and coworkers as well and he ended up quitting because everyone kept making fun of him. Needless to say she divorced him and raped him in court.

Poor bastard had to learn the hard way that women are not a good outlet for pain and should never be turned to for help or trusted with anything that can be used against you. I am sorry that this happened to you, but at least she was only your gf and not your wife so she likely can't fuck your life to the extent his wife did. Women are not equal to men and they honestly deeply resent the idea of ever having to help men in any way, even just as emotional support.

In the future I would recommend never telling any problems to women and just tell your girl that you are hunky-dory if she ever asks. Most women are I iterally incapable of sympathizing with men in any capacity. Hard lesson to learn, but an important one.

>>33518820
They aren't ALL like this, but >90% are. Probably even >95%. Sad, but true

>>33518001 (OP)
>I now consider the admittance a mistake.
Poor little blue pill. This is common knowledge. Don't reveal weakness to women because they are incapable of love. They only see men as tools. If the tool is broken, they get a new one.

>>33518001 (OP)
porn:
Tell her you shared this becuse you trust her and because you want her to know if any problem happens it's not her fault. Tell her it's because you had no partner but your body and brain still have needs, but now you have this amazing girl, you really want to quit.
I did the same and she get me pills to fuck her as hard as she wants
intrusive thoughts:
Just don't. Most (not all, but most) women consider this as emotional weakness that's even more repelling than physical one. Just tell her you have mental battles to fight, so if you feel tired or exhausted for ro reason, it's not because of her. If she ask about it, just tell her everybody have a fight that noone can take over, but you are never give up.
(I did not say that, but I should have...)

>>33518942
>get me pills to fuck her as hard as she wants
NTA but what do you mean? Drugs to go at it like bunnies, viagra?

>>33519004
Exactly, she was a paharmacist...
Sildenafil. Unpopular brand of the same shit.

If she’s flipping the script this early, dump her. You shared something and now it’s being used against you. Is this marriage material to you? Objectively what you shared it slightly fucked up, but you need to get your ocd handled. It’s causing these issues, but you deserve someone supportive in this and not a psychopath that will use your vulnerability against you.

>>33518001 (OP)
>I can't believe you would keep a secret. I feel so betrayed.
This feels like an enormous lie. Women as natural liars. It's an adaption to not being able to use force. She's trying to make herself look like the victim to protect herself from fault. She's not shocked you kept a secret. She's turned off by your weakness.

>>33518001 (OP)
> how betrayed she feels that I kept a secret from her
kek, you can’t trust women to support men. women want men to be providers so the moment you show vulnerability they get grossed out. you shouldve only revealed this to your close MALE friends who can actually understand you. if you don’t have any, that’s what anonymous forums are for

OP here, sorry for the lack of responses, I fell asleep and only just woke up. I’ll reply to what I can.

>>33518683
I have a problem with shame in general. I think it’s a religious thing, I don’t really know. Trying to unpack that part.

>>33518801
I’ll definitely look into male therapists in my area. I just moved to a new apartment and need to look for a new one anyway. In the past I’ve only ever met with female therapists and haven’t really had much success. Maybe it’ll change something.

>>33518884
The problem is that my girlfriend has been super supportive of struggles I’ve come to her with in the past. In the almost two years we’ve been together she’s been really good about letting me open up and she hasn’t seemed to mind the types of things I bring up at all. I don’t know what changed.

>>33519371
I’m really considering breaking up with her at this point, yeah. This on top of some other issues has really made me realize that this relationship probably isn’t healthy for me.

I BET SHE ALSO WATCHES PORN AND IS JUST BEING A HYPOCRITE

>>33518001 (OP)
>how betrayed she feels that I kept a secret from her
I BET SHE DIDN'T GO OUT OF HER OWN WAY TO TELL HER BODY COUNT

>>33519530
She does. I don’t think the porn is the problem for her. She’s upset that I kept my struggle hidden and that it took me this long to tell her. She said she’s trying to understand from my perspective but doesn’t seem to be able to rationalize it at all.

I could have opened up about any kind of secret like this and I think it would have gotten the same response, sex related or not.

>>33518001 (OP)
Anon my family was dead by the time I was 19, and I've watched way too much porn in my life. I'll try and help you out, please read what I've written.

First of all, nobody wants to hear this but you can't tell a woman anything too deeply emotional if you want the relationship to last. This isn't a joke or a HURRR RED PILL DUUURRR thing, it's just reality. The fantasy of an unconditionally loving, supporting wife/girlfriend like you were raised to believe in does not exist. We are animals and women will only love you up to a certain point. After that it's only a select few men that will understand what you're going through, and ultimately at the end of that road it's just you.

I know two men that were raped as kids. Guess what happened the first two times they tried to open up to a partner about it? Gone each time. They stopped telling women about it, now they're in long-term relationships. Believe me, I know about this. It's awful but that's reality.

But here is the practical advice you need. To break a bad habit, the best thing you can do is to add, not subtract. Replace the bad habit slowly. If you try to quit porn you're going to obsess about it and then go back to watching it, and feel like a piece of shit for relapsing. Here is the advice nobody else would give you: Watch porn whenever you want, then clean your apartment. Watch porn whenever you want, then workout. Watch porn whenever you want, then cook some healthy meals for later. Try to watch softcore porn, whenever you want. Don't fight it at first, cum whenever you fucking want, watching Japanese women frolicking in bathing suits or whatever, then go back to doing your chores or other important work.

Eventually you'll reach a point where the addiction is manageable, and you can continue from there. So instead of watching porn whenever you want, give yourself a daily schedule when you let yourself watch it. Then only a few times a week. Does this sound retarded? Try it anyway.

>>33519569
I’ll try this, thank yoi

>>33518918
>Sad, but true
so cheer up and start fucking men or go back to r9k

>>33519612
>>33519569

Seconding this anon’s advice with the caveat: you cannot tell a female romance interest ANYTHING that 1) Makes you as a man seem weak/incapable, and 2) ESPECIALLY not things that threaten her.

For example: video games. Never tell a woman that you as an adult man play video games. They all hate it. Even if they themselves play games now and then, they DO NOT want to hear that YOU play games and they will judge/dump you for it. Merely bringing it up produces an immediate “ick” reaction I’ve seen many times irl. The only acceptable way to discuss it is “I used to play games in high school but I don’t anymore”.

Why? Because you playing games is taking up time that you could be using to give her attention, earn money, do chores/work around the house, etc. She is looking to you as a provider of wealth and security. Playing games makes you seem like a lesser/incapable man and as such it’s a THREAT to her personal security. She will feel just like if the game were another woman: she feels she has to compete with the game for your attention.

Same rules apply to porn, if you are bisexual, and other nerd/gooner/de-masculinizing activities. Just don’t tell her. She doesn’t need or want to know.

>>33518001 (OP)
what kind of fucked up shit were you jerking off to

>>33520807
same anon, forgot to say:
If you absolutely NEED to talk about your porn addiction with another person, find a trusted male friend or a MALE therapist. Talk to them, get it off your chest, solve the problem etc. Then, NEVER tell your woman that you went to therapy. For the same reasons as above.

>>33520807
My girlfriend doesn’t have a problem with me playing video games. We play them together all the time.

>>33520820
See >>33518246

>>33520950
Are you the OP? I wanted to throw my opinion into the thread if that helps.

You've been given some great advice here, mainly centering around this: You've screwed up by telling your gf about your fetish/addiction. Don't beat yourself up though. Life is for living and for learning. Everyone makes mistakes, and you did the right thing by being honest about your fetish here. You couldn't have known about this mistake you made because as a young man, you expect relationships to be an unconditional, magical, Disney-esque thing. But they aren't. After the honeymoon phase, they become more pragmatic.

So the other anons are right. You have to always show strength to women. You only show weakness in a "I had this setback and I am dealing with it like this" kind of way, where you minimise the problem and maximise the solution. Finally, certain things just have to be kept to yourself because they are just disgusting for anyone to hear. You did the right thing by basically confessing on an anonymous forum - it's the magic of the internet lol.

So overall, you've lost this girl, but trust me bro, you will overcome this. Long story short, I was once the guy who thought I could be alone forever after losing my first GF. Fast forward a few years and I have a real diamond of a gal.

As for the addiction - it might be a long painful road to get over it, but I would advise this above all else - NO /D/ SHIT. /H/ SHIT TOPS. YOU DON'T NEED TRANSFORMATION STUFF TO GET OFF. Just tell yourself: "I WILL STOP LOOKNG AT DISGUSTING THINGS, WEIRD SEX THINGS, AND ILLEGAL SEX THINGS. Because it is wrong, you know it's wrong, it has to stop. Aside form that bro, best of luck.

>>33518001 (OP)
>What should I do?
If your girlfriend doesn't live with you, and you are not engaged or soon to marry, and you don't live remotely in the arctic circle away from medical centers, then you're going to see that your significant other is not your doctor. Not. the. doctor.

What would a logical, mature and intelligent person do? What would an experienced self-caring person do? Get expert help when they need it. Not unload on someone and expect them to know the right things to say.
The mistake is that the conversation should have eventually motivated and led you to realize that you are strong enough to go get help getting to the first step in getting started to talk to someone who is paid to be confidential, already trained to help people with obsessive and addictive behaviors, and may be able to also refer you or themseves prescribe medications to assist you and quiet your mind and thoughts for more restful sleep and healing, and courage for healthier ways to cope.

Give her a pass this time and tell her your only mistake was not yet realizing that keeping secrets and trying on your own actually didn't help, only help helps. You'll promise to go get that help, since you already know suicidal ideations are a symptom of needing help. Duh, just a symptom, not a sympathy card, just go treat the illness now.

>>33520985
>>33521013

Yeah, I’ve been looking for different therapists today in hopes of setting up some kind of consultation.

I feel really stupid for believing my girlfriend when she told me I could open up to her about anything and all of the sex positive posturing she’d made in the last. It all feels like a massive lie now and I need to figure out how to deal with that. I appreciate your thorough responses and will take your advice to heart.

Thank you.

>>33521054
Best thing I can say here - don't hold anything against her. She didn't lie, she was just naive. She thought she wanted to hear everything, but deep down she didn't. So don't turn to hating her, or at least try not to.

>>33518001 (OP)
You fell for the rascals and their little trick

>>33518001 (OP)
Hey anon, I talked to my own therapist about my now exhusband, when he refused to go get help from an actual psychiatrist, aka an MD. He was resistant to drugs you see. Anyway, I wanted the full scientist mind explanation, because that's my own background. Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars is not the same thing as science stuff. LOL
Anyway, the porn addiction was explained to me thusly. The Limbic System is what is first lit up and turned in and engaged in your mind. This is like you are addicted to crack.
So, you will in fact need medication to help you work through this strong addiction. Cold turkey is best, and this is only once empowered by the drugs to will past it. Maybe Wellbutrin. Maybe Paxil. Maybe a couple ramp ups of milligrams trial and error too, Could be 2-6 months to get that right. Maybe something like Sonata to get your ass back to bed if you wake up at 3am anxious and want to turn on the computer. Maybe you need Ativan or Zolpidem if melatonin doesn't put you to sleep in the first place. You will need a doctor that is comfortable carving out the right plan for you with followup once a month to chat your side efforts or complaints. Keep notes/journal.

Wanna do it on your own? Remember the jails are filled with people who explain their sole issue was porn addiction, incl serial killers. Also, porn addicts have something in common, they feel their fathers are remote, cold or distant emotionally. It's not utterly impossible, is what I am stating. Just know the true experts already have your treatment plan allll figured out. Get going on it.

>>33518001 (OP)
>he fell for the "open up to women" meme

nigga. things like that are to be discussed with your male friends, your dad, hell your pastor, or even God himself and nobody else. do NOT share your struggles with women ever

>>33521080
I don’t hate her. I don’t really hate anyone, I’m forgiving to a fault. Usually results in people walking over me but it helps in situations like this where I can be patient with people who are lashing back at me.

Still hurts a lot though.

>>33518113
>She's saying she feels hurt
She is hurt because she's not enough, and you can and will look elsewhere. It's almost a type of jealousy.
Ethically speaking, you participate in a very disgusting act of violence on human decency. What you both should feel is disgusted that you in any way support the nasty industry of victimization of other humans. Why does anyone want to see any human humiliated or any way mistreated, and ick their health is mistreated, and they are are in the throws of drug abuse when these things need to be numbed from their own minds later. There's your fodder for aversion therapy.

>>33521152
Nigga, he says she watches porn too.

But I know women are hypocrites like this. I used to have a gf that I had straight up walked-in on her schlicking to porn on like 5 occasions. It was always fun and light-hearted and I just made comments like "hey can I get in on this?" or "I can help you with that". She would get all embarassed and all but we would end up cuddling and kissing and the like. She caught me fapping to porn on 2 occasions. The first time she was freaked out but claimed it was nbd. The second time she blew up and ended up dumping me. The kicker is I was watching less degenerate shit than her. Idk why women are like this.

>>33518001 (OP)
>>33518021
You messed up. Weaknesses shouldn't be revealed, ever. Particularly to woman you care about. They will be repulsed by you and treat you, gradually, like shit because they have a idealized look on life. Your weakness breaks their worldview, so they will reject you instead of accepting what is.

>>33518001 (OP)
The only time you should ever talk about your problems to women is if you're in control of yourself and your response to them. AKA telling them about a challenge and your plan to deal with it. Don't dump your issues on women like you don't know what to do/need reassurance. That makes them panic and lose attraction because you're no longer seen as a stabilizing presence in her life.

However, that's a matter of HOW you talk. Not what you talk about. You shouldn't hide things from a woman just to keep her around. It's dishonest and ultimately self-defeating if you can't even be yourself around her. If something about you is a dealbreaker, either you should find that out and end it yourself, or be honest and let her make the decision.

>>33522273
Shut up, foid. This is advice that foids give other foids, and it works because men are more accepting and forgiving than women. It is rare that a woman gives the same consideration to a man. Burying that shit and hising it all from her is 100% the way to go.

>>33522292
I'm a man, retard.
I'm saying that there is a difference between opening up by giving a flood of
>woe is me, whatever shall I do, OCD and anxiety fucks me up, halp
versus
>I have OCD, I have compulsions to do xyz that can interfere with my life (implied: these compulsions are kept under wraps by me, because you haven't noticed already)
The only reason to be dishonest is to selfishly keep around the kind of woman who would have a problem with the latter, which is why I said it's self-defeating: that's not the kind of woman you'd WANT to be with.

I took pains to say this because there are two very separate issues here. The first is the kind of personality women tend to find attractive, i.e. how men should generally present themselves. It's not dishonest to learn how to communicate with women and make them feel safe in the relationship, and that's all I advised OP on.

The second is what things in a man a given woman would find to be a dealbreaker. Hiding dealbreakers is subhuman behavior that disrespects whoever you're with (depriving them of making their own choices) and dooms you to relationships which implode the second the truth is known. It's horrendous advice to tell women to lie about their past, just as it's horrendous advice to tell men to hide facts women wouldn't like.
OP doesn't need to spill everything all at once, and he doesn't even need to mention it, but if he's determined not to share, he should at least be willing to proactively end things if he thinks she won't be accepting.

I have made this mistake so I have sympathy for you, but make it a learning experience. The biggest lesson isn't to keep secrets for fear someone leaves you, but your girlfriend is right about this: that she isn't the one to help you with these struggles, and she isn't your priest to absolve you of the shame and guilt. You shouldn't so much keep it from her because you risk losing attraction and being weak, but simply because you shouldn't offload struggles into your partner. Its a poison of modernity to view your wife or girlfriend as your best friend. They arent that. They're there to raise a family with you and run a household. Never lose track of that. Now youre asking them to help you with serious mental struggles that put into doubt your ability to lead. Women are weak, of spirit and body. You cannot burden them with this. They have enough of their own issues. I think you should tell your girlfriend sorry, that youre going to see a therapist and that its something you shouldn't have burdened her with. The point about keeping secrets is bullshit. Ignore it. Thats just her anger over you burdening her with this.

>>33522428
>it's not dishonest to learn how to [lie about your despondency and put on a charade of a personality to avoid the ire of women]
>its as dishonest to tell men to fight their battles against isolated impulses (i.e. no other parties involved) by themselves as it is to tell women to lie about being massive disease risks

Okay nutcase.
Isn't it also dishonest for a woman that schlicks to porn to lose respect for her bf for doing the same?

>>33522448
>>it's not dishonest to learn how to [lie about your despondency and put on a charade of a personality to avoid the ire of women]
The idea is that he would genuinely carry himself that way, and communicate with her after the despondency/uncertainty phase is dealt with. Obviously, he shouldn't fake his personality.

>>its as dishonest to tell men to fight their battles against isolated impulses (i.e. no other parties involved) by themselves as it is to tell women to lie about being massive disease risks
Yes. Because the question isn't about what you or I think is right. It's about what other people want out of a partner and a relationship. Whether we approve of their dealbreakers or not, it's dishonest to knowingly keep that from others.
Put another way: it would still be reprehensible if a woman lied about her past even if she were regularly tested and thought she wanted to settle down/changed from before. Because she's still depriving a guy of the choice based on his own values and expectations. The justification in her mind is irrelevant.

Again, though, I didn't say that OP needs to open up right away, or even at all if she doesn't care about it (although he should make a good faith effort to find out what she cares about). I'm simply saying that hiding information which you know to be important to others is dishonest, which is just a definition.

>Isn't it also dishonest for a woman that schlicks to porn to lose respect for her bf for doing the same?
No, just hypocritical, unless she said or strongly implied that she wouldn't lose respect for him.

>>33522481
Okay, you've convinced me. I will do this with my wife. If you're right then I will thank you. If it backfires I will be fucked and probably literally kill myself.

>>33522273
I appreciate this response a lot, thank you. Over the last 48 hours I’ve been trying to piece together how honest I should be about these kinds of things and your reply gave me some clarity there.

I alluded to it a bit in the OP, but the admission came after I’d been suffering from a pretty severe anxiety/depressive episode. It made me kinda spill my spaghetti and reach out to the only person I trusted for help. I tried to be eloquent about it, but I wasn’t in a good headspace and probably spilled my spaghetti too much.

In the future I’ll definitely be more careful and proactive about it so as to avoid this kind of thing again, although I’m not sure if I carry and demons that cause me more internal struggle than this.

>>33522273
>>33522428
So you're saying if you are dealing with an internal problem that she hasn't noticed, that it is wrong to turn to her for genuine help. You instead say that you should just tell her that you have a problem, but downplay it, don't ask for her help, and insist you got that shit basically taken care of? What is the point of telling her then? Why even bring it up and if she isn't going to help you, you aren't allowed to ask her to help you, and you are required to handle it solo? She will probably be like "wtf why even tell me this".

I think by attempting to contradict them, you still managed to prove the guys saying to bottle it ul as being correct.

How old are you OP?

>>33522969
22, about to turn 23

>>33523007
Yeah you're fine dude, get a good therapist and find something to do to get your mind off the porn. Your girlfriend is gonna react that way at that age no matter what.

>>33523039
Is it just a young instability thing? Inexperience?

As an aside, isn't it kinda fucked that we have to mask ourselves towards our supposed 'other half'?

>>33518001 (OP)
She is blame-shifting. She doesn't want you anymore because she thinks less of you. So she wants to end it. But she also feels guilty about dumping someone because they oppened up and have weaknesses like everybody. She knows that that's not very ethical. So, she says she feels "betrayed" (like YOU made a mistake or did something to HER). And makes YOU apologize (YOU have to apologize for having a problem and opening up about it - think abpout that!). So, yeah. I think it's time to move on.

I told a close female relative about something that happened to me as a kid. It took a few months for a decades-long relationship to unravel.
She didn't say it out loud, but I knew it was that information that changed everything for her.
The truth is grown women are just children with wrinkles and saggy skin.
Anyway I'm glad it happened before I invested more time in relationships with women.
Oh btw she still messages me like once a year, I'm not sure what she thinks that might accomplish. I haven't said a word to her in over ten years and I'm planning to ignore her until the end of time.
The thing is, I knew what women were like. I knew you'd never tell something like that to someone you're dating or even your wife. But I guess I believed family could be trusted.
Yeah so my point is never tell any woman anything. Think of your information as nuclear launch codes. Think of women as retarded children.
>Oh I've known this retarded toddler for years, I guess I can trust them with nukes now.
Don't.

>>33523824
What did it change with her?

>>33523898
like OP said the "initial wave of support" then more and more distance and silence over a few months, then she snapped at me she was busy or whatever during a rare interaction
so I just left her alone to sort herself out
which she never did
actually what she went on to do was accuse me of damaging her property (exercise equipment) about twenty months since I had last touched it
yes, almost two years
that's when I realized she was too far gone to salvage and completely gave up

and this is what happens when you tell *family* about something that happened *to* you

>>33521152
It's not about porn and gender war. She just doesn't want to get dragged into some toxic codependant bullshit relationship. Her mistake is she should've just dumped him instead going on about how he makes her feel. When you find out you're in a relationship with a broken person full of baggage just gray rock and move on, because anything you say to them is just
OP is borderline acting like a borderline, no pun intended. He's a manipulative emotional terrorist and then feels like the victim when the other person reacts.
And then chuds chime in, "eww women are so ebil". Okay go tell other guys about your struggles with sissy hypno porn and how full of shame and hopelessness you are, and revel in their warmth and support. The double standard is wild. OP knows he can't tell males about his issues because they'd bully him to death, if not actually physically assault him. And his gf reacts like a normal person like "ugh, dumping all your bullshit feels bad." and OP plays the victim.
No matter the genders involved, if you open up to someone, don't be extra about it. Be matter-of-fact, neutral or confident about it, keep it "dry", not dumping all of your self-loathing emotional baggage on other people. Just because the other person is not in the low place you are in doesn't mean they are emotionally invincible.

>>33518001 (OP)
Damn. Well. I think it's mainly on yer girlfriend. Think about it.
>you open up about a struggle you have had for awhile, an addiction mind you
>her response is to make it about her feeling betrayed and belittling you about YOUR addition and struggle

A simplification, and I am assuming you didn't do anything crazy besides just mentioning you have a porn addiction. But you are mainly in the right. Sure, you could have told her earlier, but you also shouldn't be expected to just dump everything on the table right off the bat.

>>33518246
I would not have mentioned specific things about fetishes. That was a mistake, just generalize or give normie fetishes. Never talk about the niche weird shit lmao.

>>33518683
>>33518306
Yeah, play here is a therapist. I would maybe start coming to terms with the relationship possibly ending just due to her response and lack of support. Kind of shit behavior to just not support your partner and make it about how you feel.

>>33518001 (OP)
Hey man like some anons said above I think the bigger issue here is the OCD and porn addiction. I cannot advise on your relationship as I'm a kissless virgin but I know quite a bit about obsessive compulsion so please give this a read, it may help you.

I too struggle with what I'm pretty sure is definitely OCD but mine is very strange because aside from your typical intrusive obsessions (cleanness, perfectionism, needing to finish everything I start or do it a very specific way, etc.) I get more immediate and violent urges to do physical actions with my body. All of these movements I'm compelled to do are unnatural, sudden and painful, that's the whole point. For some reason I feel like I need to reach a very specfic pain or make the given movement in a very specific way to feel a very specific sensation in a partiular point of my body to be "satisfied". It sounds insane saying it out loud but I'm not trolling, this is the single biggest hardship that has defined my whole life, I've been very miserable for big chapters of my life because of this (I'm also 22).

Just to give an idea a recurring urge in the last recent years is to whip my head violently a few times upwards or downwards in a particular sequence like once quickly upwards, then twice again after a small immediate pause and then a finishing one sligthly stronger downwards to conclude it, and if I wasn't satisfied with the way I "performed" or the slight pain sensation i was trying to achieve in the very specific parts of my neck and head that the whole urge was about then I had to do it again and again and again until I did it perfectly and was satisfied with everything. This is just an example of many.
When I hit absolute rock botttom for the first time in 2019 I spiraled so badly that I often did absolutely nothing else but these violent movements for straight hours on end until I satisfied each and every one to complete perfection.

All this might sound like something different to OCD but I'm certain that it is because throughout all this I always had and always will have the freedom to choose and THAT'S precisely the reason why I'm traumadumping all my bullshit onto you man.

Throughout all of this no matter how unbearable the thoughts, no matter how overtaking the urges, I have always had the freedom to choose to do these movements, the freedom to choose to obey my obsession with my thoughts, with order, with cleaning, with completing deadweight projects out of pride, with doing things perfectly. This is not tourettes and it is vital you understand that. There's not a magic line of code in our brains that makes us unavoidably do these things involuntarily no matter what, every time we do what these fucking demons tell us to do THAT'S US, that's us choosing to do it from our own will. It's an unbearable addiction yes but all addiction is a voluntary decision in the end. Back in 2019 the reason I lost my shit completely was because of how inexperienced I was with dealing with all this, but I remember the feelings, the thoughts. Everything I did, all of it, I did voluntarily. I thought I had no choice and that I was going totally insane, yes, but it was still voluntarily nonetheless. The real issue was my despair, my complete ignorance of my illness, the extreme stress, all of it, not that any of it was actually truly out of my agency.

Since 2019 many, many things have happened and now I know everything I will ever need to know about my condition and far more and despite hitting equal lows if not worse than then in more recent years I have never again given in to the many urges like that ever since I closed that chapter. My recent struggles are more around the intensity of the thoughts themselves and the difficulty to withstand them and that's gotten extremely intense but it's a testament to how far I've come that never again I've laid down belly up defeated and complied with the sick obsession like I did back then.

You have the power and the strength in you to choose not to hurt yourself over ideas that are not true and that don't make sense. Have the faith to believe in me. These things in your head are not logical, they are not necessary and they are not stronger than you. "But what if-?" No. They aren't. This is an absolute truthful fact, not shallow motivational talk, trust me, I've done nothing but study this illness in my own flesh and mind for the last 3 years.
The hard part will be finding your own strategies and tactics that work for you other than general stuff for everyone like avoiding stress, finding ways to deeply and reliably relax, substituting your impulses for smaller, less harmful ones until they are more manageable or you have the confidence to drop them altogether, stuff like that. Personally for me it's worked wonders to develop mutiple factual truths that I've turned into a sort of mantras that I say clearly and intently in my head at my times of need like for example: "Relax, remember, they are only thoughts, and absolutely nothing is going to happen unless you decide it", "What does it matter?", "And?". These precise words whenever a compulsive urge of any kind arises strongly, among several others.

I've also dealt with a deep porn addiction since I was 13 and I've been hypersexual since I was a toddler too young to even understand why it felt good to rub my crotch on the edge of the bed or why my mom and brother got so agitated whenever they found out I had done it. So on porn addiction I can tell you this: Distract yourself.

In Alcoholics Anonymous they teach you another thing I've come to learn is completely true, you cannot strong will out of an addicion abruptly. "I will never ever jack off again from this moment onwards", even if you succeed for a time you'll always come back eventually because you stopped for the wrong reasons, self hatred, desperation, depression, anger. You need to drop it out of a genuine disinterest. Find other interests that you are passionate enough about to be as fulfilling as jerking off and make sure they are time consuming and productive in some personal way. Sports, good videogames, drawing, pottery, cooking, a fun job, anything. Tire yourself on shit that will do something worthwhile for you to the point that porn will directly be a liability or an inconvenience to watch because you lack the time or energy for it after a whole day of having a real life. Do this for a while and with time your mind will slowly readapt into its natural state to the point you'll be able to see pornography and sex with logical eyes again instead of those of an addict. At this point start masturbating ONLY when you feel a legitimate natural desire for it that came on its own instead of forcing yourself to do it out of habit. Masturbate only once or twice at a time to force yourself to really make it worth it and enjoy it as much as possible so you won't come back to it for a while.

Don't count the days, don't obsess over it, don't give it that importance, just clear your mind often and let the desire come to you naturally instead of running after it. When you've mastered this you'll be able to actively appease the urges at will and handle them however you want but the trick is to even then never treat it as that big of a deal, if you do it will always live rent free in your mind waiting for your next moment of weakness.
It is only a minor inconvenience that doesn't control you, it's just an impulse you can manage however you want or even ignore completely with no real harmful consequence, It is only a thought, and absolutely nothing is going to happen unless you decde it.

Sorry for the bible but I have been through hell and back with these two things myself for as long as I can remember and I would really like to use all I've learned to help a brother in need if I can. Now that I actually can.

In my case I got a strong anxiety due to extreme stress my mother had during pregnancy and my sometimes shitty early childhood so that's why my OCD mixed with it and I got these very bizarre and violent urges to make myself feel pain specifically but overall I believe the core experience is the same and I think my little wall text may help you in some way.

Good luck anon.

>>33518001 (OP)
I dated a girl with pretty bad OCD. You’re drawing the wrong conclusion on the girlfriend. She’s probably not right for you, she should at least try and help you and be sympathetic. Honestly, I would move on, she’s piling on at a key vulnerable moment.

Anyway, I think hiding it from people is common OCD behavior. And I think it actually fuels the disorder bc then no one will ever push you to get help if they don’t know. It ducks your girlfriend wasn’t great about it, but I would still try and open up to somebody you really trust about it. Like I said before, secrecy enables the disorder.

>>33523957
Multiple men have opened up to me about this, including ones you very much wouldn't suspect. I offered support and not judgement and it hasn't affected our relationship. Nice projection though.

>>33524055
>>33524057
>>33524059
>>33524060
>>33524063
Thank you for this, genuinely. I don’t know many others with OCD so hearing your personal account definitely puts things into perspective. I’m writing down as many of the strategies from this thread as I can in hopes of creating some kind of playbook for how to help myself going forward.

>>33524117
I’ve been talking to her about how her reaction is making me feel over the last day or so and she seems apologetic.

I’ll be honest and say that the response overall has left a lasting impact on my impression with her and I can’t say I’ll get over it anytime soon. Right now I’m really working on evaluating what I want out of people in my life and how I wish to be treated as a person.

Do I think I was right to open myself up to her in the exact way I did? No, but after thinking about it more I don’t think my actions warranted her reaction.

>>33525042
Thank you for listening. Also maybe write down professional breathing exercises for relaxation,. They are literally a life hack because they override your body into calming down by controlling oxygen intake. Your mind's stress doesn't have a choice in the matter lol.

Go live your life.

>>33518001 (OP)
>>33518021
>>33522227
Yeah you really shouldn't be confiding things with your gf unless you have a clear plan of action and she believes you can solve it. Like, if you're just complaining and you don't know what to do, she will rightfully be turned off. But if she can tell you're working towards solving it and she has faith in you, it'll be fine.

I don't know exactly what you said to her obviously but it sounds like you were trauma dumping and she felt like you were expecting her to solve it for you. That's why she's overwhelmed and unsure of the relationship.

A girlfriend/wife isn't a friend, they're a partner. The whole point of the relationship is that you guys are supposed to work together to raise a family, and that requires strength on both ends. If your girlfriend/wife doesn't feel you have the strength required to successfully raise and provide for a family, the partnership is over.

>>33523972
>just generalize or give normie fetishes. Never talk about the niche weird shit lmao.
Just a virgin passerby trying to figure this out for the future. I REALLY don't like the idea of hiding and misrepresenting a deep corner of my mind. I want to understand the woman's perspective.

Would it be okay if I just said "all the worst kind of fetishes you imagine, I probably have them"? or "I'm into all sorts of stuff and you don't want to know the details". Basically, is the issue in the visceral disgust towards the man having a specific fetish, therefore can you avoid the problem by censoring the specifics?

Or, is the problem already in the information that the man has some bad fetishes something women consider red flag that makes the man evil, untrustworthy or dangerous? Thus, do you actually need to pretend like you have relatively pure mind?

Or, is it more in the way your carry yourself (not appearing weak or broken)? I consider myself confident and in peace with my fetishes and I don't consider them a problem, though I understand many people are repulsed by them.

>>33518780
>would you be happy to learn your gf was watching other dudes and getting off to them instead of you?
I would be fairly okay with that, as long as it doesn't consume her life. It's basically just fantasizing. I mean it would be great if she only lusted for me forever but that's unrealistic, it's better to have an outlet, and porn is better than cheating.

Evolutionarily men are wired for having multiple wives and women are wired for cheating in secret while keeping the provider's support. Based on that, women should be more accepting of men's porn use, but who knows how it really is. On the other hand women seem to hate porn more in general because of their built-in insecurity.

>>33518001 (OP)
You've learned a valuable lesson: women do not want you to be vulnerable. They want you to have the capacity to be vulnerable, which is a very different thing. Break up with her.