Thread 40692098

Well I finally opened up to someone in my life about all my shit and they offered me a hug. But thats the insidious thing about long form trauma, is that it is incapable of being put into words, there is truly no form of word, or even memory that is capable of projecting such into the world, that people around you are truly incapable of understanding it unless they've lived through similar hardships. I dont want a fuckin hug I want to be heard but that will never happen.
He said he realized just what an absurd amount of shit I keep locked away and I do it for damn good reasons. Because its always one of two things, either its too much or its fantastic content to use against me. No in between.
He said he realized the absurd amount of shit I keep locked away and had the exact reaction that makes me lock it away.

All I am truly capable of doing is providing a sizzle reel of sorts if the absolute lowest moments for a voyeristic public, and then they suddenly think 'oh I get it I have empathy for this' when as I said before there are truly no words that can explain how it feels to be immersed into long form trauma.

>>40692098 (OP)
You really was a soldier?

>>40692375
Nope. Just a very. VERY long string of unfortunate events and circumstances.
Rape, isolation, violence, starvation, all the fun stuff.
Relegated to the same status of living in the margins of society

>>40692470
Can i listen to your life story on discord? Not trying to be a savior, but i am genuinely curious about it

>>40692495
No. I already feel like it was an incredibly stupid mistake to open up to one person, and I straight up told him to enjoy what he heard because he probably wont ever hear it again.
I dont intend to open back up any time soon.

>>40692519
Oh then that's bad because i wanted to. But it's on you...

>>40692550
Unfortunately as I said anon. Voyeristic public.

>>40692556
I can change your mind if you just get the opportunity to chat with me a little? I can show you my card collection

>>40692098 (OP)
You do not have any real "trauma"
People who kill people and serve in violent, bloody conflicts have trauma
You are just a vain narcissist screaming into the void

>>40693275
Ive been shot at, beaten, raped, and cut before so...

sounds like you're gloating about your trauma. go to a psych.

>>40693619
Psychs are spooks who provide nothing of value while taking your money.

>>40693275
Hear the repression in your voice, anon.

>>40692098 (OP)
You just wanted someone to understand and thought she was safe. You should have listened to your feelings, but you tried to open up. And again you feel betrayed. Have you tried talking it over with a psychologist if you believe in those? It's okay if you don't.

>>40692098 (OP)
You can't lock it away forever, but you can't speak about it. People are treacherous. Have you tried art? Writing, drawing, anything?

I feel the exact same, anon.
I open up to my loved ones — dear friends who care about me and only want the best — and inevitably I end up comforting them over how sad my story made them feel. I end up censoring myself because I know it’s too much for them to respond to. I know it’s futile and that it won’t help.
I’m sorry that things are this way for people like us.

>>40694063
Yeah Ive taken up art. Im not particularly good at it but its good at getting my feelings out.

>>40694045
Tbh the only reason I opened up at all was because I was annoyed with people treating me like some kind of souless automoton who is incapable of having full emotions, when its just I manage them very well.
I view feelings in the way I do because I grew up in a world where anything could and would be used against you, even small things you said in private could be dragged up years later for a screaming match that someone else started.
Add on to that the vast majority of violence inflicted on me being of a sexual nature as an AMAB and having such a repped out family and you get a pretty interesting cocktail of trauma where there is no safe place to go whatsoever, where even your therapist is a conversion therapist who will fuck you over if you open up even the slightest.
Emotional displays are for people who still believe they will get any help whatsoever, otherwise whats the point? All it does is show off your cards, air your dirty laundry, and give people ways to hurt you.