Thread 82760155

hello anon, how are you feeling? good job for making it through another week! i'm proud of you. is there anything you're excited about coming up soon?

>>82760155 (OP)
i feel bad. i thought my friend would come back but they didnt. nothing to be excited for now.

>>82760155 (OP)

"I don't want to bother you much with what happened to me personally," he began, showing in this remark the weakness of many tellers of tales who seem so often unaware of what their audience would like best to hear; "yet to understand the effect of it on me you ought to know how I got out there, what I saw, how I went up that river to the place where I first met the poor chap. It was the farthest point of navigation and the culminating point of my experience. It seemed somehow to throw a kind of light on everything about me--and into my thoughts. It was sombre enough, too--and pitiful--not extraordinary in any way--not very clear either. No, not very clear. And yet it seemed to throw a kind of light.

"I had then, as you remember, just returned to London after a lot of Indian Ocean, Pacific, China Seas--a regular dose of the East--six years or so, and I was loafing about, hindering you fellows in your work and invading your homes, just as though I had got a heavenly mission to civilize you. It was very fine for a time, but after a bit I did get tired of resting. Then I began to look for a ship--I should think the hardest work on earth. But the ships wouldn't even look at me. And I got tired of that game, too.

"Now when I was a little chap I had a passion for maps. I would look for hours at South America, or Africa, or Australia, and lose myself in all the glories of exploration. At that time there were many blank spaces on the earth, and when I saw one that looked particularly inviting on a map (but they all look that) I would put my finger on it and say, 'When I grow up I will go there.' The North Pole was one of these places, I remember. Well, I haven't been there yet, and shall not try now. The glamour's off. Other places were scattered about the hemispheres. I have been in some of them, and... well, we won't talk about that. But there was one yet--the biggest, the most blank, so to speak--that I had a hankering after.

>>82760155 (OP)
Good day my liege i shall wish you the day. It is a shame that the weekends meaning nothing these days. All days are the same and all blend in one. Oh well, i suppose it could be worse haven't died or anything yet. I have little to look forward to frankly, but i suppose i am happy for guys fawkes night soon enough. One of the few times i go out of my house these days. Have a good day huanon.

True, by this time it was not a blank space any more. It had got filled since my boyhood with rivers and lakes and names. It had ceased to be a blank space of delightful mystery--a white patch for a boy to dream gloriously over. It had become a place of darkness. But there was in it one river especially, a mighty big river, that you could see on the map, resembling an immense snake uncoiled, with its head in the sea, its body at rest curving afar over a vast country, and its tail lost in the depths of the land. And as I looked at the map of it in a shop-window, it fascinated me as a snake would a bird--a silly little bird. Then I remembered there was a big concern, a Company for trade on that river. Dash it all! I thought to myself, they can't trade without using some kind of craft on that lot of fresh water--steamboats! Why shouldn't I try to get charge of one? I went on along Fleet Street, but could not shake off the idea. The snake had charmed me.

"You understand it was a Continental concern, that Trading society; but I have a lot of relations living on the Continent, because it's cheap and not so nasty as it looks, they say.

"I am sorry to own I began to worry them. This was already a fresh departure for me. I was not used to get things that way, you know. I always went my own road and on my own legs where I had a mind to go. I wouldn't have believed it of myself; but, then--you see--I felt somehow I must get there by hook or by crook. So I worried them. The men said 'My dear fellow,' and did nothing. Then--would you believe it?--I tried the women. I, Charlie Marlow, set the women to work--to get a job. Heavens! Well, you see, the notion drove me. I had an aunt, a dear enthusiastic soul. She wrote: 'It will be delightful. I am ready to do anything, anything for you. It is a glorious idea. I know the wife of a very high personage in the Administration, and also a man who has lots of influence with,' etc. She was determined to make no end of fuss to get

desu for me its the mario retardy streams from /v/
They give me something to look forward to every weekend

>>82760155 (OP)
I've figured out why I prefer men over women, Hu Tao-anon
I still like women aye, but I'm a genuine pervert, my freak levels are unmatched for normal women

So, my choices are literally just mentally ill women because I know for a fact that they're the biggest freaks
AND
gay men/trans women
they're already broken up there, they can match my freak...

...me appointed skipper of a river steamboat, if such was my fancy.

"I got my appointment--of course; and I got it very quick. It appears the Company had received news that one of their captains had been killed in a scuffle with the natives. This was my chance, and it made me the more anxious to go. It was only months and months afterwards, when I made the attempt to recover what was left of the body, that I heard the original quarrel arose from a misunderstanding about some hens. Yes, two black hens. Fresleven--that was the fellow's name, a Dane--thought himself wronged somehow in the bargain, so he went ashore and started to hammer the chief of the village with a stick. Oh, it didn't surprise me in the least to hear this, and at the same time to be told that Fresleven was the gentlest, quietest creature that ever walked on two legs. No doubt he was; but he had been a couple of years already out there engaged in the noble cause, you know, and he probably felt the need at last of asserting his self-respect in some way. Therefore he whacked the old nigger mercilessly, while a big crowd of his people watched him, thunderstruck, till some man--I was told the chief's son--in desperation at hearing the old chap yell, made a tentative jab with a spear at the white man--and of course it went quite easy between the shoulder-blades. Then the whole population cleared into the forest, expecting all kinds of calamities to happen, while, on the other hand, the steamer Fresleven commanded left also in a bad panic, in charge of the engineer, I believe. Afterwards nobody seemed to trouble much about Fresleven's remains, till I got out and stepped into his shoes. I couldn't let it rest, though; but when an opportunity offered at last to meet my predecessor, the grass growing through his ribs was tall enough to hide his bones. They were all there. The supernatural being had not been touched after he fell.

"And the village was deserted, the huts gaped black, rotting, all askew within the fallen enclosures. A calamity had come to it, sure enough. The people had vanished. Mad terror had scattered them, men, women, and children, through the bush, and they had never returned. What became of the hens I don't know either. I should think the cause of progress got them, anyhow. However, through this glorious affair I got my appointment, before I had fairly begun to hope for it.

"I flew around like mad to get ready, and before forty-eight hours I was crossing the Channel to show myself to my employers, and sign the contract. In a very few hours I arrived in a city that always makes me think of a whited sepulchre. Prejudice no doubt. I had no difficulty in finding the Company's offices. It was the biggest thing in the town, and everybody I met was full of it. They were going to run an over-sea empire, and make no end of coin by trade.

I was talking to an anon who seemed really nice, and I really enjoyed talking with him, but I took to long to respond back to him at one point. I was going to ask for his discord, but by the time I returned to message back, he was gone.
I just had to go to do a small amount of work, I feel bad that he got away from me lol.
This was earlier today.

>is there anything you're excited about coming up soon?
I got a new game, but I don't think I'll be able to play it today in the end. I'm not trying to be all negative all the time, I just didn't sleep last night, and I think I may just end up sleeping instead of playing it today. If you're religious, pray that I can find a way to wave up early tomorrow.

"A narrow and deserted street in deep shadow, high houses, innumerable windows with venetian blinds, a dead silence, grass sprouting between the stones, imposing carriage archways right and left, immense double doors standing ponderously ajar. I slipped through one of these cracks, went up a swept and ungarnished staircase, as arid as a desert, and opened the first door I came to. Two women, one fat and the other slim, sat on straw-bottomed chairs, knitting black wool. The slim one got up and walked straight at me--still knitting with downcast eyes--and only just as I began to think of getting out of her way, as you would for a somnambulist, stood still, and looked up. Her dress was as plain as an umbrella-cover, and she turned round without a word and preceded me into a waiting-room. I gave my name, and looked about. Deal table in the middle, plain chairs all round the walls, on one end a large shining map, marked with all the colours of a rainbow. There was a vast amount of red--good to see at any time, because one knows that some real work is done in there, a deuce of a lot of blue, a little green, smears of orange, and, on the East Coast, a purple patch, to show where the jolly pioneers of progress drink the jolly lager-beer. However, I wasn't going into any of these. I was going into the yellow. Dead in the centre. And the river was there--fascinating--deadly--like a snake. Ough! A door opened, a white-haired secretarial head, but wearing a compassionate expression, appeared, and a skinny forefinger beckoned me into the sanctuary. Its light was dim, and a heavy writing-desk squatted in the middle. From behind that structure came out an impression of pale plumpness in a frock-coat. The great man himself. He was five feet six, I should judge, and had his grip on the handle-end of ever so many millions. He shook hands, I fancy, murmured vaguely, was satisfied with my French.

"In about forty-five seconds I found myself again in the waiting-room with the compassionate secretary, who, full of desolation and sympathy, made me sign some document. I believe I undertook amongst other things not to disclose any trade secrets. Well, I am not going to.

"I began to feel slightly uneasy. You know I am not used to such ceremonies, and there was something ominous in the atmosphere. It was just as though I had been let into some conspiracy--I don't know--something not quite right; and I was glad to get out. In the outer room the two women knitted black wool feverishly. People were arriving, and the younger one was walking back and forth introducing them. The old one sat on her chair. Her flat cloth slippers were propped up on a foot-warmer, and a cat reposed on her lap. She wore a starched white affair on her head, had a wart on one cheek, and silver-rimmed spectacles hung on the tip of her nose. She glanced at me above the glasses. The swift and indifferent placidity of that look troubled me. Two youths with foolish and cheery countenances were being piloted over, and she threw at them the same quick glance of unconcerned wisdom. She seemed to know all about them and about me, too. An eerie feeling came over me. She seemed uncanny and fateful. Often far away there I thought of these two, guarding the door of Darkness, knitting black wool as for a warm pall, one introducing, introducing continuously to the unknown, the other scrutinizing the cheery and foolish faces with unconcerned old eyes. Ave! Old knitter of black wool. Morituri te salutant. Not many of those she looked at ever saw her again--not half, by long way.

"There was yet a visit to the doctor. 'A simple formality,' assured me the secretary, with an air of taking an immense part in all my sorrows. Accordingly a young chap wearing his hat over the left eyebrow, some clerk I suppose--there must have been clerks in the business, though the house was as still as a house in a city of the dead--came from somewhere up-stairs, and led me forth. He was shabby and careless, with inkstains on the sleeves of his jacket, and his cravat was large and billowy, under a chin shaped like the toe of an old boot. It was a little too early for the doctor, so I proposed a drink, and thereupon he developed a vein of joviality. As we sat over our vermouths he glorified the Company's business, and by and by I expressed casually my surprise at him not going out there. He became very cool and collected all at once. 'I am not such a fool as I look, quoth Plato to his disciples,' he said sententiously, emptied his glass with great resolution, and we rose."

"The old doctor felt my pulse, evidently thinking of something else the while. 'Good, good for there,' he mumbled, and then with a certain eagerness asked me whether I would let him measure my head. Rather surprised, I said Yes, when he produced a thing like calipers and got the dimensions back and front and every way, taking notes carefully. He was an unshaven little man in a threadbare coat like a gaberdine, with his feet in slippers, and I thought him a harmless fool. 'I always ask leave, in the interests of science, to measure the crania of those going out there,' he said. 'And when they come back, too?' I asked. 'Oh, I never see them,' he remarked; 'and, moreover, the changes take place inside, you know.' He smiled, as if at some quiet joke. 'So you are going out there. Famous. Interesting, too.' He gave me a searching glance, and made another note. 'Ever any madness in your family?' he asked, in a matter-of-fact tone. I felt very annoyed. 'Is that question in the interests of science, too?' 'It would be,' he said, without taking notice of my irritation, 'interesting for science to watch the mental changes of individuals, on the spot, but...' 'Are you an alienist?' I interrupted. 'Every doctor should be--a little,' answered that original, imperturbably. 'I have a little theory which you messieurs who go out there must help me to prove. This is my share in the advantages my country shall reap from the possession of such a magnificent dependency. The mere wealth I leave to others. Pardon my questions, but you are the first Englishman coming under my observation...' I hastened to assure him I was not in the least typical. 'If I were,' said I, 'I wouldn't be talking like this with you.' 'What you say is rather profound, and probably erroneous,' he said, with a laugh. 'Avoid irritation more than exposure to the sun. Adieu. How do you English say, eh? Good-bye. Ah! Good-bye. Adieu. In the tropics one must before everything keep calm.'...

He lifted a warning forefinger.... 'Du calme, du calme.'

"One thing more remained to do--say good-bye to my excellent aunt. I found her triumphant. I had a cup of tea--the last decent cup of tea for many days--and in a room that most soothingly looked just as you would expect a lady's drawing-room to look, we had a long quiet chat by the fireside. In the course of these confidences it became quite plain to me I had been represented to the wife of the high dignitary, and goodness knows to how many more people besides, as an exceptional and gifted creature--a piece of good fortune for the Company--a man you don't get hold of every day. Good heavens! and I was going to take charge of a two-penny-half-penny river-steamboat with a penny whistle attached! It appeared, however, I was also one of the Workers, with a capital--you know. Something like an emissary of light, something like a lower sort of apostle. There had been a lot of such rot let loose in print and talk just about that time, and the excellent woman, living right in the rush of all that humbug, got carried off her feet. She talked about 'weaning those ignorant millions from their horrid ways,' till, upon my word, she made me quite uncomfortable. I ventured to hint that the Company was run for profit.

>>82760155 (OP)
Haiii Anon!! I'm feeling a bit under the weather honestly, I stayed in bed for several hours today after waking up just because I didn't feel like starting the day. At least I had a couple nice dreams about you! In one I think I was showing you my computer setup at school (? there were desks and other students and stuff but for some reason it was outside under the open air in a field lole) and then at home. Then in the other dream you were at my place and you brought & were showing me old pictures you found in an album somewhere, most of them were of your mom for some reason.. I remember how your mom looked but not how you looked in the dream sadly, even though you were there with me physically and not just text on a screen. After that you wanted to try out using my dad's computer for some reason and I got really anxious because I didn't want him to notice but you still did it lul. Bad Tao!! Anyway it was nice to dream of you again.

>is there anything you're excited about coming up soon?
Uhm not really I guess... just things I dread, namely the doctor's appointment today. I won't forget my documents this time! But argh it sucks it had to be today, I guess I'll have to try to phonepost from the bus in this thread. Hopefully I don't start to feel nauseous.
Is there anything you're excited about? And how are you feeling, mentally and otherwise? Also it's been a while so let me tell you I don't hate you or find you obnoxious! Talking with you makes me happy Anon.

>>82760168
did your friend at least tell you why they didnt?
>>82760231
hi anon, its disheartening to get to the weekend without anything to do, but still we got there nonetheless, which is something to be happy about
>guys fawkes night
ah we have something similar to that here but it's done in january instead. never went to those events though. hope you get to go and have some fun this year!
>>82760241
>mario retardy streams
what are those about? they sound pretty silly.
>>82760242
>I've figured out why I prefer men over women
uhm, well good for you anon! just try not to be too freaky, or it might become a problem eventually. and at least you also got a huge pool of people to choose from compared to the average guy so there's a higher chance you'll meet someone you like!
>>82760258
>I returned to message back, he was gone
ah, that's a shame! hate when it happens. but perhaps you'll manage to meet him again some other time, or you could always summon that anon with magic...
>end up sleeping instead
well sleeping isn't a bad thing so it's okay. what game did you get? and im not religious but i'll pray for your early awakening tomorrow anyways.
>>82760317
hi anone! sorry to hear you're not doing to well. i hope the bad feelings pass soon. sometimes i also get stuck in bed for a long time before getting up.
>At least I had a couple nice dreams
woah, i dont think anyone has ever dreamed me as much as you have. i wonder why i was so interested in your school's computers. and it's very unrealistic i'd be showing you pictures of my mom since she basically avoids getting photographed all the time. also weird that you'd know how she looked but not me... and sorry for using your dad's computer without permission, i am pretty mischievous after all!
>just things I dread
that's the case for me too most of the time. hope your appointment goes well today.
>you're excited about
halloween, i guess. im feeling mostly fine (cough), and thanks for the reminder! i always appreciate it.

>>82760429
>did your friend at least tell you why they didnt?
no. idk why they didnt and i guess ill probably never know. whatever.

>>82760429
>i hope the bad feelings pass soon.
Thanks Anonny! We'll see, maybe once I get out of the house I'll feel better. Last time it wasn't too bad so it's weird I feel so bad now...

>i also get stuck in bed
You too huh? Beds are just so addictive honestly, they're basically heroin... the warm embrace of the blanket and soft hug of the pillow... it's one of the few places where I can feel sort of at peace.

>dont think anyone has ever dreamed me as much as you
Huh really? It's only been three dreams so far. I'm surprised it's been this few dreams considering how often I think about you during the day. I guess the reason they both had computers in them is probably because that's a common dream for me in general, which I suppose makes sense considering I spend 16 hours sitting in front of one... School is also a common place to see in my dreams, I guess it's the only other place I've ever really been to regularly besides my home. Kind of weird though since it's been so long since I was last in school but I still get dreams of it often...

>she basically avoids getting photographed
Ah, she is literally me! I haaaate being photographed, I don't know why but it just makes me so uncomfortable... I guess it's because I don't like how I look and I don't want other people to be able to look at my stupid face whenever they wish. Are you the same as your mom or do you like pictures of yourself?

>i am pretty mischievous
You really are like Tao huh... what's something mischievous you've done in the past? For me I guess I've done some trolling and pretended to be other Anons on here a few times in the past.

>hope your appointment goes well
Thank you Anon! I hope it does too. I'll try to think of you to help me through it desu. I wish you could come with me though...

>halloween, i guess.
Oh yeah, I think I saw you mention in another thread that you might be going to a Halloween party! Did you get invited to one?

>mostly fine
Glad to hear it!!!

>>82760485
that sucks anon. what happened between you two? did they leave for no reason? maybe by thinking about it you might guess why they did what they did.
>>82760568
>maybe once I get out of the house I'll feel better
the sun does make your brain release happy chemicals sometimes
>Beds are just so addictive honestly
i guess! though most of the time i hate being in one.
>only been three dreams so far
well thats 3 more than anyone i've ever met, excluding maybe my friend... i wish i could remember my dreams more often.
>do you like pictures of yourself?
no. there is not a single picture of myself with my face in it that i like. not one. im fine with others taking photos of me as long as my face is not in it. there's some cool photos i got but they're all either of me with my back turned to the camera or with my head out of frame.
>something mischievous you've done in the past?
i guess i used to always try to scare other kids by jumping out of corners when i was little, but in a more recent context i just enjoy making people get angry in online games.
>Did you get invited to one?
yeah, i did. it's really far away though so im gonna have to do 5 hours of train to get there... but then ill also be going to a really huge con so im looking forward to that too

>>82760717
>that sucks anon. what happened between you two?
nothing, they just disappeared all the sudden. then they said theyd come back a long time later, but they ended up not coming back.

>>82760155 (OP)
not s*icidal anymore right now, so good
I still have nothing good done except for some fleshed out plans and skill gains

>>82760717
>the sun does make your brain release happy chemicals sometimes
Not really for me these days.. it's always sunny here and it kind of makes me depressed. I tend to be happier on cloudy days, which today does happen to be one of those, so I'm hoping once I go out it'll cheer me up a bit. It rained yesterday too so the air should be nice and fresh.

>>82760717
>i guess! though most of the time i hate being in one.
Even in the morning? I understand hating being in it in the evening, it's annoying how it's backwards from what it should be but I tend to dislike going to bed in the evening because I feel like I didn't get enough done during the day. Recently though I've been too tired to stay up late though so I've been going to bed on time, I suppose it's probably the meds I'm on making me tired but it's good that it's in the evening and not earlier in the day. Though, it does make it hard to brush teeth in the evening because I'm always so tired...
In the morning though I lub staying in bed, if I don't force myself out of it I'm pretty much guaranteed to stay in it for 12 hours and then feel sluggish the rest of the day.

>well thats 3 more than anyone i've ever met
Hm well maybe I just tend to get dreams of Internet people more often than most... I do sometimes dream of random Anons from this board, even ones I barely talked to. Perhaps it's because I interact with so few other people in my life. And yeah, being able to remember dreams is nice! I enjoy going over them again in my head in the morning sometimes. But if you're one of those people who is predisposed to getting lots of nightmares, maybe it's good that you don't remember them. Have you tried keeping a dream journal maybe? I heard over time that's supposed to train your brain to remember them better.

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>>82760832
>>82760717
>not one.
Same... even the ones where I'm younger and objectively speaking didn't look ugly, I still hate looking at myself. Interesting that as long as your face isn't in them you're fine with it though, I'm not sure that would be enough for me. But pictures where your back is turned to the camera are kind of cool and stylish anyway! They have a bit of an air of mystery I think.

>try to scare other kids by jumping out of corners
Haha, you really are like Tao!

>i just enjoy making people get angry in online games.
Waiiiiit, you weren't doing that yesterday were you? I remember some guy in voice chat complaining about a medic...

>5 hours of train
That is really far away for just a party! I hope it's not too expensive if it's such a long train ride. I assume it's that online friend you've met up with before that invited you? And are you gonna stay there overnight or is it just a one-day thing? Hopefully you can have some fun there! And a con as well... an anime one or something else? Even though I don't think I'd like parties I'm kind of jelly honestly, seems like you have a lot to look forward to!

Time to shower now... uguu...

>>82760429
>there's a higher chance you'll meet someone you like!
that's the thing lmao
I like 'em all :p

hello taonon. how are you doing?
i'm at work, trying to make it through the rest of the shift, only 4 hours left.

>>82760732
that's messed up. perhaps they just haven't had the chance to contact you but i guess it's wishful thinking. i hope they do come back soon or that you're able to find a new friend who won't leave in the first place.
>>82760746
>not s*icidal anymore
very niceu indeed. fleshed out plans for what?
>>82760832
>I tend to be happier on cloudy days
i kind of like them too but only if im home for the vibe and comfyness they give.
>Even in the morning
i guess not, but after a while i start to get impatient and need to get and up and do something so i can't really enjoy sleeping in that much.
>a dream journal maybe?
no, and it's already difficult enough to keep up with a normal journal for me... now that i think about it i do remember i dreamt something tonight. it really wasnt a pleasant dream though.
>as long as your face isn't in them you're fine with it
to be fair i think i do look quite fashionable most of the time... if only my face didn't ruin it. sigh. i oughta start wearing a face mask everywhere i go
>weren't doing that yesterday were you
not intentionally, i play games with sound off most of the time so i couldn't have known what those guys were saying in voice chat anyway.
>I assume it's that online friend
yeah, which is also another reason why i bother going so far. besides they've been so kind to pay for my tickets so... i'll be staying over for the weekend, since they'll be going at the con with em and maybe some other of their friends. it's a comics and games con, the biggest in italy, but there's most likely going to be anime stuff in it too. i really hope i can find some cute tao merch to bring home... and that i don't get too jealous of everyone else and ruin my own experience like i did last time i've been to a con.
>>82760874
humu, that's good anon. now go forth and spread love everywhere! figurately speaking, of course.
>>82760955
hi anone! im fineish. still a little sick but im recovering. push through the last few hours at work! ganbare!

>>82761039
>fleshed out plans for what?
muh portfolio grind plan
I ended up just drawing random stuff instead

>>82760168
Was this an online friend? How long have you known them?

i can't keep track of these chinese cartoon people. were you the guy hyping yourself up for unspecified studies

I want to do things today. It's 1:19pm and I haven't done anything noteworthy. I haven't read, haven't done anything productive, I just watched streams and wasted some more time on VRChat.

>>82761195
uhm, in that case good luck with that plan. what sort of random stuff have you drawn?
>>82761482
no, thats not me
>>82761490
sometimes it's fine to not do anything productive. what book are you reading? and what kind of productive stuff would you like to do anyway?

>>82761538
>sometimes it's fine to not do anything productive. what book are you reading? and what kind of productive stuff would you like to do anyway?
I'm reading A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. To me reading is productive, so I wish I did it, but getting myself to do it, performing the action of reading, it's so difficult. So so difficult. I don't know why.

>>82761538
oh, okay. good luck with everything anyway

>>82760155 (OP)
man i love seeing your threads every week i hope all's going well for you anon you make this board a better place

>>82761644
Maybe you do, maybe you do not. Maybe you're a SCRUB who can't do shit but combo the same combo online, day in, day out, the same exact shit, the same combo each and every single time.

>>82761039
>only if im home for the vibe
Mm yeah I like the vibe those days have, but I feel guilty for staying in since it's such nice weather for once... it's better to go out, but I'm usually too lazy if it's straight up raining since it's a pain to dry the umbrella afterwards and stuff. Also can be pretty windy on those days sometimes and then it's not comfy as you can't stay dry even with an umbrella.

>after a while i start to get impatient
Me too actually, but that while is indeed a while... like 4 hours or something. Any less than that and the desire to relax overpowers any impatience. It's a bit sad you can't enjoy sleeping in as much because it's one of rhe best (and free!) pleasures in life, but at least it means you get more stuff done so that's nice.

>no
I did try havinGg a dream journal once but indeed it was a bit dificuly to keep up with, it's really hard to motivate yourself to write anything that early in the morning. Good job on at least keeping a normal journal going though,the more useful one anyhow!
Too bad you had an unpleqsant dream, I guess it really is best to not remember them a lot of the time. I had an unpleasant one too this morning but I forgot it already hehe. If you don't remind yurself of it right as you wake uo they really do fade away pretty quicjly.

>quite fashionable
Why am I not surprised you have a fashion sense too... I'm really envious of that. I wish I had a sense for fashion but I never developed one because I didn't want my parebts to know what I like wearing. I think even if I did develop one it would be trash though, I don't think I have very good taste when it comes to things like this because I like sort of gaudy and things aand lurid color schemes whch most peoole would think look stupid. What sort of stuff do you wear though Taonon?
And I'm sure your face looks cute enough, but I understand it's hard to think like that when it's your own face heh.

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>>82761730
>games with sound off
Ahhhhh that makes a lot of sense! It's because you always listen to music when playing them don't you? For me it would be too disorientating like that, I rely on sound a lot especially in something like Stronghold.
And yeah I think you unintentionally upset someone heh, they were saying somwthing about Medic and ubercharge, IDK. BTW ghanks for explaining a lot of things about the game to me yesterday, it was very helpful!

>pay for my tickets
Oh wow, that is very kind of them! And good for you since you're always so short on money sadly. Finally you'll have something to do on the weekend other than staying home! Be sure to tell me how it goes desu. Hopefully your jealousy doesn't get in the way but I guess there's not much I can suggest about that, I usually just ignore mine and that's enough for it to not be a problem. I definitely will be feeling a bit jealous though, I want to go with you too ahhhh!!!!!! Especially the con, that sounds a ot more interesting than a party and it's one of the few places where I could see myself spending money. Hopefully you do find some cute Tao merch, it would be nice to bring home a souvenier to remind yourself of the (hopefully good) memories!
Was it the same con that you were at last time? Was it overall a pleasant experience for you besides the jealousy?

Also I'm on the bus now and I don't feel sick after half an hour of typing on my phone, woo! Maybe it's not an issue for me anymore, weird because back when I was going to school even 30 seconds of l9oking at my phone was enough to make me feel queasy. Perhaps it's because I've been eating healthier these past few years or something...

>>82761687
nah dawg im doing good. Life's been treating me well recently. I hope it does you as it did me

>>82761538
>uhm, in that case good luck with that plan. what sort of random stuff have you drawn?
people construction sketches and boxes in perspectives

>>82761741
Thank you anony, because I need it right now

Hu tao so cuuuute let me fap with your dirty socks

>>82761780
you have a foot fetish? that means you are fucked in the brain anonimous

>>82761557
>A Brief History of Time
hm that book seems interesting. i've always found anything that has to do with space and time fascinating so i might also give it a read eventually.
>it's so difficult
oh i get it anon, it takes an unusual amount of motivation sometimes to do mundane things or things that we're supposed to enjoy. it's difficult for me too to find the will to read despite liking it and with a lore more things too. i guess it's just how it is. perhaps with time it'll get less and less demanding
>>82761608
thanks u
>>82761644
it makes me happy to know my threads are able to cheer some anons up! thank you for the kind words. i hope everything is going good for you too
>>82761730
>more stuff done
i just get to play more videogames or browse this place really i dont do anything in the morning anyways...
>if I did develop one it would be trash
you can always try to take inspiration from some vibe you like and then add what looks cool from you i guess. i basically only used to wear nothing but black clothes all the time until a few years ago...
>What sort of stuff do you wear
now i mostly wear punkish looking stuff. baggy pants, baggy shirts, plaid shirts, some stuff you'd see a skater or a guy in a punk band wearing. but i also like to dress sharply with elegant stuff too when i go to some kind of event that requires that kind of clothing
>because you always listen to music
yeah, pretty much. and the sounds from the game often distract me from enjoying the music. though sometimes i like to enjoy the music in games too like stronghold
>you'll have something to do
yeah, it's been too long since i've done something worth remembering this year honestly. which is sad. but uhm, yeah ill tell you how it goes! ill share pictures of taomerch too if i find it it's not the same con i've been to before, this one is a LOT bigger and last time i guess it was mostly enjoyable but with a lot of suffering too.
>>82761747
what for? are you studying to be geometrician?

>>82761868
>hm that book seems interesting. i've always found anything that has to do with space and time fascinating so i might also give it a read eventually.
I'm glad you feel that way, but beware, if you are uneducated like me or have not studied physics or if you're..well basically if you are anything like me, this book will be difficult to understand or follow. I push through out of passion or interest, but certainly not because it's an accessible read for me. The book is fantastic, worth the time and money. The problem is me, the reader.

I am the anon from yesterday >>82744915
Would like to say I am feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, I spoke with family. I don't want to leave taonon hanging thinking that I was depressed or suicided or something. Sharing to demonstrate that emotions can change from day to day.

As for taonon how come you don't use a tripcode across threads? I'm assuming you don't view it as necessary as most people trust that it's you based on your writing style and avatarposting

>>82761868
>get to play more videogames
Heh well to me that's productive! I wish I had more rime for that, it's amazing how I'm a NEET yet I still feel like I nevee have time for anything... I have no idea where it all goes. How do you have time to run these threads and still eat and even post in other threads sometimes?? It's a mystery to me. So many things to do, so little time..

>inspiration from some vibe you like
Hmm that's an idea, maybe I should look into said vibes. I don't know if there's any associated fashion style though, so maybe it's better to just see what's out there in terms of fashion and pick at random. Well, not that I should be worried about that right now since I'd probably be too scared to wear anything ddifferent from my usual outfits for now, but maybe one day ...

>nothing but black clothes
Heh, nothing buy grey ones for me.

>punkish looking stuff
Ah I see, thanks for explaining it so well! I think I have a pretty good idea of what you wear now. I guess you were inspired by punk music? How was it going from wearing your usual black stuff to this? Did it feel scary, did peple who knew you react weirdly to it?

>elegant stuff
Nice! Suits and whatnot look cool.

>music in games
Ah that's true, some games are basically carried by their music so it would be no good to miss out on that, but for stuff like TF2 where it's just game sounds and you've heardvit all a million times, it makes sense. Do you tend to like game music to also listen to it outside the game sometimes?

>ill share pictures
Oooooohhh I forgot about that possibility, I lub pictures! Then it's kind of like we can go together, since I can see the places you'll be at too! Please do take lots of pictures, I want to see the train and the city and whatnot too, not just the con! If it's not too much of a pain for you of course.

Nice that this one is bigger, more chances for Tao merch and just more stuff to se in general! Hope you end up enjoying it.

>>82761948
ah, nice to see you're doing better anon! im glad you posted again to tell me. it's always a good idea to talk about this stuff rather than keep everything inside.
>demonstrate that emotions can change from day to day
they do indeed. and they can change in the span of an hour too for me. really weird and i hate it desu
>how come you don't use a tripcode
like you said i trust that whoever interacts with me knows that when they see someone posting a hu tao with a gross or rude caption it isn't me. besides i dont see taos being posted that often anyways. though i do have a lot of filters so maybe they do and i just don't notice. i hope not...
>>82762031
>that's productive
i see it as a huge waste of time especially if im playing the same games everyday but oh well.
>How do you have time to run these threads
i mean, most of the time it's not like a lot of people post here, it doesn't take that long to reply to everyone. and mind you i have nothing else better to do so... at best i just play my guitar waiting for someone to reply.
>and pick at random
that also works, eventually you're bound to find something you like. also, i highly suggest you don't wear anything skinny. skinny clothes look awful on literally everyone. except girls i guess.
but maybe im biased because i love baggy clothes.
>grey
delete everything that is grey from your closet. worst colour ever for clothes. wear literally anything that isn't grey
>you were inspired by punk music?
...very perceptive. it didn't really feel scary because that changed came when i also changed my mindset to stop caring about most things in life. so i didn't (and still don't) care if others like what i wear or not. also my friend gave me some motivation to wear more colored stuff
>game music to also listen to it outside the game
hm hm, i do, quite often. the guilty gear strive soundtrack is an awesome example
>Please do take lots of pictures
i'll try to! i can't promise anything because most i forget to take them.

>>82761877
>this book will be difficult to understand or follow
humu, i get what you mean, though i did look into space and such before, so i know a few terms. probably not enough to enjoy the book fully but oh well, i'll still learn something for sure. besides i do like challenging reads! hope you can get yourself to read more of it anon

>>82762152
Thank you for making me feel heard and giving me your time and attention.

>>82762137
>at best i just play my guitar waiting for someone to reply.
are you self taught? If so can you recommend some vids for me anon?

>>82762296
youre very welcome anon! feel free to come back to talk whenever you feel like.
>>82762358
im self taught, yes. though im not sure the method i've used to learn guitar is the best... i basically chose songs i liked and brute forced my way to learn them. but anyway, this guy makes really good tutorial videos for songs.
https://www.youtube.com/@GuitarZero2Hero
and if you're looking for things a bit more technical, this guy is also really good:
https://www.youtube.com/@BERNTHGuitarAcademy
though he makes incredibly cringy thumbnails and titles. still, i think the best way to learn guitar is to choose a song you really like and set that as your objective to learn. the first song i ever learned was everlong!

>>82762413
Thats what im doing now lol although it takes a lot more effort. whats your favorite song to play on guitar anon also how was your week?

>>82762701
niceu, what songs are you trying to learn now? and yeah it's really an unconventional way to learn but it's the most fun, i think. kind of.
>your favorite song to play on guitar
hard to say, considering all of the songs i learn come from my list of favorites. i think it's probably fake plastic trees. my week was pretty miserable, but thanks for asking.

>>82762806
> what songs are you trying to learn now?
well some pop kinda songs that are easy to jam and also kerry's song from cyberpunk

> my week was pretty miserable
sorry to hear that anon what made it miserable if you'd like to share.

>>82760155 (OP)
No. I have nothing to look forward to. Just the same crushing routine of work and boredom until I die.

>>82762137
>same games every day
Hmm well fair enough, that would probably make me feel like it's a waste of time too. Especially multiplayer stuff, it really feels like you're not getting anywhere with those games, while with singleplayer there's at least a sense of progression. Why don't you do more of something else then? I mean, I get vidya is the easy choice, but you never seem to go for easy choices usually lole.

>most of the time it's not like a lot of people post here
That's true it does seem like the threads have been slower lately... still, you have to reply to everyone unlike me so it's pretty amazing to me that you also manage to get other stuff done in-between replies. I guess strumming guitar is a pretty good way to fill those periods in though! Do you feel like you're still improving at it or have you kind of plateaued at this point?

>skinny clothes look awful
Humm, okay, I'll try to keep that in mind! Baggy stuff does seem like it looks more natural somehow.

>worst color ever for clothes
Heh, I don't particularly like how it looks but I thought it was sort of a safe color, not too bright or dark or colorful or anything. I do hate how grey looks when buildings are painted that color and whatnot, so maybe that's how you feel about it with clothes heh. I guess I'll try to slowly get rid of it as I buy more clothing.

>changed my mindset to stop caring
How did you accomplish such a thing anyway? I mean, I know I shouldn't care about it but that doesn't help me actually not care... Was there something that pushed you to become like this maybe?

>guilty gear strive
I don't have headphones right now (is that a crime in your book?) but I'll listen to it when I get home! I do really like a lot of vidya soundtracks too, my music taste is a little less narrow when it comes to those for some reason.

>i'll try to
Thanks! I'll look forward to seeing them hehehehe

Also the doctor's visit is done now, I'm oj my way home. Bloodwork will be later!

>>82762842
>kerry's song from cyberpunk
oohhh that's a really good choice. i actually want to learn that too eventually.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=As5DEpktayU
seems really hard for a scrub like me that never learnt fingerstyle properly though.
>>82762849
grim, i hope you can break out of this bad loop anon. though i fear i might end up like that too sooner rather than later. just seems like how everyone else also lives.
>>82762915
>it really feels like you're not getting anywhere
yeah, even more so when you're not even playing ranked games anymore. i used to be really into competitive games back then and at least getting to higher ranks gave me some kind of validation but now it just feels like an immense waste of time. because that's what it is at the end of the day, being good at a videogame doesn't matter
>it does seem like the threads have been slower lately
maybe all the anons got bored of me... wah. jokes apart i wonder were the regulars went. perhaps they've just been really busy lately. though i guess i wouldn't want my threads to become a place where only the same anons post in all the time, because then i'd fear other anons that have never posted would feel intimidated and not post. i kinda want my thread to be there for everyone who feels like they need to be seen.
>Do you feel like you're still improving at it
not really. i think i've reached a point where it's really hard to progress without a proper instructor or some kind of music theory.
>maybe that's how you feel
i do, but i think it's how everyone else sees it too. i mean, someone that dresses with colors also seems like a brigther person i guess? though you shouldn't judge a book by its cover...

cont.

decided not to quit art

>>82763135
cont.
>>82762915
>there something that pushed you to become like this maybe
exasperation, if i had to guess. i couldn't keep caring anymore simply because of how stressful it was on my psyche. it's actually kind of awful you know. i struggle to care about things i should care about. and sometimes i care too much and it ruins me completely. everything is so damn unregulated in my brain and it's so, so exhausting... it is what it is i guess.
>is that a crime in your book?
yes. i never leave the house without earphones or headphones. they're my saving grace if something goes bad and i need to dissociate from existence. lemme know what you think, though im not sure you're gonna like it much. it's basically just a metal album.
>Also the doctor's visit is done now
niceu! nothing to worry about i hope? try not to get nauseous on the way back now. honestly i dont think i could stomach 4 hours of bus in a day.

>>82763149
good! do you feel like sharing some? i saw the pic you posted in my last thread and that looked pretty nice.

Hello. I'm feeling fine overall, how about you, though there are some things weighing. Let me explain:
>positive things
Spending time with family, enjoying a new game (Uppers), enjoying classes, fighting against procrastination. I'm immersing myself in gaming now and it's so fun and rewarding. I love how people can create beautiful and fun things. There are many things I'm making progress on: therapy, and discipline, mainly, and it's good to progress.
>negative things
My mother just called out to the fact that I'm fat. It's good she was honest, it's just that I will have to start making effort to lose weight, even though I'm avoiding to deal with this matter for a long time. And I'm also suffering discrimination in my school. It's once more evident that people just hate the group I belong to, and I can't really protest about it. I never really thought I would be discriminated, really. Ideology was supposed to end all types of racism, along with the other types of discrimination, but I guess they don't want to end racism for all existing groups...

Thank you for keeping with your threads. It's always so beautiful how people can talk about their day here. It's touching, even. Gonna take a time to read this thread after doing some chores. Ever since you talked about feeling less suicidal when talking with r9k I've been growing more and more fond of this threads. We may not know each other, but I care about you. Stay well.

I feel good.

But thats an issue because it's weird. How often should you randomly feel physical pleasure arcing through your body?

I practice energy stuff and opening chakras and this is happening quite a lot, sometimes quite intensely.

Is this normal?

>>82763191
Not OP but its really cool that you're still progressing in your life despite racism man.
> it's just that I will have to start making effort to lose weight
its less confusing than it initially also when you see progress all your doubts will disappear and you have such a positive outlook in life if anyone could do it its you anon

>>82763135
>seems really hard for a scrub like me that never learnt fingerstyle properly though.
you said you learn guitar by the song so its a perfect opportunity to learn fingerstyle

> though i fear i might end up like that too sooner rather than later
Life seeks to break us all but we can resist as long as you have people that care about you you will never feel like its in vain

>or some kind of music theory.
SCALES MASON WHAT DO THE SCALES MEAN
> i couldn't keep caring anymore simply because of how stressful it was on my psyche. it's actually kind of awful you know
You take your time carefully wording out replies here every week its not like you have apathy for everything anon. Sometimes its hard to feel anything for something its normal it makes us human but if its bothering you so much why havent you gone to a professional ?

>>82763263
>Not OP but its really cool that you're still progressing in your life despite racism man.
Yeah, you have to deal with that somehow and just move on.
>its less confusing than it initially also when you see progress all your doubts will disappear and you have such a positive outlook in life if anyone could do it its you anon
I will take that as an encouragment. Thank you.

>>82763191
hi anon, glad to hear you're doing okay. im doing fineish.
>fighting against procrastination
really hard fight i know that much... ganbare anon. it's nice to enjoy a good game everyone once and in a while, and it's also so cool that we can come up with such incredible worlds and stories sometimes.
>many things I'm making progress on
nice work! even if it's small progress is always progress.
>start making effort to lose weight
hm, it's hard but not impossible, and keep in mind you should mainly be doing it for your own sake of being healthy and happy. don't worry about what other people say. do your best
>people just hate the group I belong to
it's really stupid that people still have to suffer from this kind of stuff. sorry to hear you have to deal with it anon. i hope it doesnt get too bad. for now try your best to ignore the dumbasses being mean to you.
>Thank you for keeping with your threads
it's a pleasure anon, talking with you guys helps me a lot and if i can make someone else happy in return then that's great. thank you for the kind words, and you take care as well!
>>82763250
>feel physical pleasure arcing through your body?
well im not sure im the right person to ask to... i guess at least once a day when you to bed and relax? i dunno. though it's cool you can feel that way through chakras. not sure how normal it is but who cares really.
>>82763400
>to learn fingerstyle
i mean... fingerstyle just seems so much harder than playing with a pick. i do know a few really simple songs in fingerstyle and it they took me a lot of brain power to learn... but oh well. i guess i'll try one of these days.
>as long as you have people that care about you
yeah. i hope i can keep going for a bit longer.
>WHAT DO THE SCALES MEAN
uhhh, you make music with them!!!
>not like you have apathy for everything
i guess... it just feels that way sometimes. at least when it comes to things that should make me feel happy.
>why havent you gone to a professional
fear, mostly.

>>82763458
>yeah. i hope i can keep going for a bit longer.
you can if you cant keep going then none of us can anon.
>i guess... it just feels that way sometimes. at least when it comes to things that should make me feel happy.
maybe you feel guilty like you didnt deserve it somehow?
>fear, mostly.
You matter anon you make people's day better on the internet and im sure you do it in real life as well. A person as delightful as you shouldnt suffer like that. If its your parents you're afraid of you're gonna have to sit and have a long talk with them. They will come to terms they always do. That convos gonna be awkard as hell tho

>>82763135
>ranked games
I was sorta competitive too, thankfully most arena shooters are too old to have such a thing as ranked ladders so I never fell down that rabbithole. I'm still a bit ashamed to sdmit how I cared about competitive stuff like that though, it's kinda cringeworthy... I used to get angry when things weren't going my way too. In the end it did always feel like a waste of time, I think I was just addicted to it or something. Then again everything is a waste of time as we've discussed before so it's not like it really matters... but there are better things to do if you want to create happy memories you can look back on. I remember fondly my early days of playing those games, but not so much the latter years.

> the regulars
I guess it is a Friday, maybe they're out there partying and having fun or something... I'm just gonna try to forget that possibility.
I hope no one feels intimidated to post because of my walls of text... today it hasn't bern as bad at least thanks to phoneposting. Maybe PCposting was the real problem all along...
Also I guess I've already said this before but you really are doing a great service for /r9k/ with these threads! Thanks for caring about us lonely Anons.

>not really.
Ah darn.. what's the plan then? Are you going to try to learn music theory? Or just stay at this level for now?

>seems like a brighter person
I agree! That's why I'd like to wear colors too one day. But it's also scary for me because normally I am not a bright person, nor do I want anyone to think of me as one.. I just want to be as invisible and unnoticed as possible, and grey seems like the color for that.

>exasperation
I see, that's quite interesting Maybe one day I'll reach that point too. Was it a sudden thing for you, like it was building up andthen you reached the tipping point and stopped caring almost instantly, or was it more gradual? It's weird I haven't reached this point anyhow, considering how much I stress over pointless things..

Cont.
>i struggle to care about things i should care about
Me too! I hate this even more than caring too much about things I shouldn't care about. It's the worst of both worlds, everything is backwards from how it should be... but with caring too much, you can at least push through it and do the things you need to do anyway. With not caring enough, it's really hard to find the energy to care. If it's not something too personal or shameful for you to admit, what's sonething you struggle to care about? For me it's my parents I suppose, I wish I could love them and care about them but I just... don't.
But you know, at least you care about the Anons on this board! That's more than I can say for myself. I fon't care enough to make threads like this where people can feel heard. So you should feel good about yourself at least a little!

>yes.
Hehe, figured as much. That's nice that at least you have music to help you when you're outside the house.
I figured it would be metal, I guess you're probably right that I won't like it much but I'll check it out anyway! That othrr song by Aerosmith ended up way better than I expected, I listened to it on loop for a couple hours heh.

>nothing to worry about i hope?
Seemingly not! Blood pressurr is good, and no issues with my breatjing or anything. She did ask me some awkward questions like whether I'm single or married etc., but it was fine since I know they ask that stuff from everyonr. Now the only thing to worry about is the bloodwork but it's nice that at least I won't have to go as far for that I dont think. 4 hours isn't too bad especially since I can 'postm herr now, I'm really happy about that because now I know I can just buy a laptop and shiddpost from the bus to pass the time.
Also you should get used to it, you'll have to do a 5 hour train ride soon!

>>82763569
>then none of us can
im no better than any of you anons. but alas we all need to try our best
>you feel guilty like you didnt deserve it
i often feel that way yes, but sometimes i just, don't feel anything. someone tells me they like my company and i feel nothing. or they tell me they liked the song i played and i feel nothing. i dont know. i feel like there's something broken in me. even if i know someone is giving me a genuine compliment or something like that i struggle to feel something and i hate it so much.
>shouldnt suffer like that
the world doesn't really care whether you're a good or a bad person sadly. but thank you for the kind words. it's not my parents that im afraid of, it's the meds and the doctors. i dont want to talk about my feelings with someone that doesnt care about me and i dont want to be turned into a zombie by taking meds. but oh well. i have an appointment with my doctor at the end of the month and i decided to tell him that i need some kind of help because i feel like i will go insane if i don't get it soon.
>>82763617
>how I cared about competitive stuff like that
eh, i cried over losing a rank once so it's whatever really. never really got that angry myself, just sad most of the time. but anyway yes, everything is ultimately a "waste" of time so who cares.
>maybe they're out there partying
the board does seem to get slower on friday and saturday nights...
>Thanks for caring
it's the least i can do when others care about me too. in a world where care is a rarity i'd like to try and give it to as many people as i can.
>try to learn music theory?
i've attempted, it's, difficult for someone like me. i hope i can save up enough money for a guitar teacher eventually. for now i'll just keep trying to play songs i like.
>as invisible and unnoticed as possible
but how are you going to make friends then anon? and remember what i told you about doing scary things?

>>82763796
cont.
>>82763630
>Maybe one day I'll reach that
i am petty sure almost everyone does that eventually. some sooner rather than later.
>Was it a sudden thing for you
i can't remember, honestly. i think it was gradual, over the course of 2023-24. those years were really important for my self growth i think. lot of things happened
>what's sonething you struggle to care about?
my future, myself, my family, often everything in general. having the "nothing matters" mindset has it's drawbacks i guess.
>at least you care about the Anons on this board
indeed, but don't you think it's odd? i care about random people online but i don't care about other things closer to me. why? because i feel some kind of connection with anons here and i don't with everything else? perhaps.
>but I'll check it out anyway
humu, lemme know what you think. i also like more calm soundtracks from games too though. like songs from breath of the wild
>some awkward questions like whether I'm single or married
...why does that even matter in a health checkup i wonder? good luck with the blood stuff once you'll have to go do that. also im not sure it's a good idea to buy a laptop just to post here
>you'll have to do a 5 hour train ride soon
ughhhhh...

>>82763796
>someone tells me they like my company and i feel nothing
you might have an anxious attachment style although sometimes you feel nothing and its alright.

> i have an appointment with my doctor at the end of the month
I hope it goes well for you and your concern about meds are pretty real but they might not even be necessary you dont know it yet. Keep us posted anon

>eh, i cried over losing a rank once
gotta be honest i chuckled that'd be a pretty funny sight.

well anons i oughta get some sleep. I wish you all a very pleasant weekend and i hope we will meet again next week. Take good care of yourselves especially you OP

>>82763796
>cried over losing a rank
Well, I guess both are cringe but honestly I'd rather cry about it than get angry about it. At least the former provides some relief at the end. And dang, so you used to cry over things like that but now you struggle to cry at all...

>it's the least i can do when others care about me too
Well the amazing to me is that you CAN do it! I can't really. Not as much as you at least. I really really like the idea of caring more in this world that lacks care so much, but in practice I'm not so good at it...

>difficult for someone like me.
It is kind of math-adjacent it feels like... as someone who struggles with math I also imagine I couldn't learn it without someone there to teach me. But I suppose it's a good plan to wait until you have money then. Money sure is a useful thing huh...

>but how are you going to make friends then anon?
Not in real life, that's for sure. The chances of finding someone I like seem way too slim... But you're right about scary things, I do plan on trying to dress a bit more stylish one day. I just don't feel safe doing it right now, but once/if I move somewhere far away I think I'll try it.
Also speaking of scary things I did look up that artistic thing I wanted to look up the other day, and unfortunately I think it might be possible for me to do it which means I should try it now! And that's very scary! I don't want to do it... why do I even bother honestly... ugh. But I suppose I'll do it anyway and then probably regret it. At least it's better than regretting not trying I suppose?

>my future, myself, my family,
I can relate! Which is not very good I guess... My future especially is something I really don't care much about usually, I like to say "Eh, that's my future self's problem" to any sort of problem that's scary to fix and then hope future me figures it out.

>>82763800
>don't you think it's odd?
I don't! I'm precisely the same way. I care more about random strangers than my own family... but yes I can see what you mean, because I realize this is really weird and not normal. Though if it's because you don't feel any connection with people closer to you, then at least it makes sense. It's natural not to care about someone if you feel no connection I guess, it's just weird to not have more of a connection with your family I suppose. Maybe it's an issue of atomization, our family was always kind of distant and cold to each other.

>lemme know what you think.
It seems pretty alright so far! I made it home now BTW. Nothing amazing but it's a pleasant listen desu, good music to do workouts to I imagine. At least the few songs I heard so far.

>more calm soundtracks from games
Yeah, me too! Normally I don't like calm music much because it's too boring for me I guess, but with games sometimes they have very nice calm atmospheric stuff and I can enjoy those ones.

>...why does that even matter in a health checkup i wonder?
Yeah that's a good question, I'm not sure either... Oh well, I'm not really ashamed of being single for some reason, even though a lot of people on this board are, and she didn't ask why or anything so it was fine.

>im not sure it's a good idea to buy a laptop just to post here
Ah phoneposting ate half of my sentence somehow but what I meant to say was that if I get a job that has a really long commute, then it would be nice to just shiddpost from a laptop. Normally I'd feel guilty spending money on something like that but if it's to make the experience of working more bearable I think it would be fine.

>ughhhhh...
Don't forget to bring your barf bag!

>>82764038
>you might have an anxious attachment style
most likely, there is definitely something wrong with my brain
>not even be necessary
i hope so. im not too confident but we'll see. im never taking antidepressants no matter what though. at worst i'll only be taking medications for my adhd and mood stabilizers and whanot. maybe. if i feel like it.
>gotta be honest i chuckled
eh, that's fair, i'd laugh at myself for that too. good night anon, thanks for posting today
>>82764261
>but in practice I'm not so good at it
well, you can always start to try and care more too
>Money sure is a useful thing huh
you have no idea how much i hate how almost everything that brings us enjoyment is locked behind money
>The chances of finding someone I like seem way too slim
the chances you'll be attacked by a monkey tomorrow are very close to zero, but they are never zero.
>At least it's better than regretting not trying I suppose?
it definetly is better, yes. i hope whatever it is you're trying works out anon
>Maybe it's an issue of atomization, our family was always kind of distant and cold to each other
yeah mine has always been pretty distant too. perhaps that is why i don't feel a connection. but also because i know they cant understand me at all
>good music to do workouts to I imagine.
like most metal songs, yes. it makes sense that it's from a fighting game after all
>if I get a job that has a really long commute
ah, in that case yeah it makes sense. im going to have to buy a laptop too if i ever start doing that travelling plan that i have. not too happy about having to do that desu.
>Don't forget to bring your barf bag!
i am not going to barf!! i hope!!

>>82764428
>start to try and care more too
Oh, is that even possible? I'm honestly not sure how to care more... does acting like you care make you actually care eventually? That's the only idea I have really.

>almost everything that brings us enjoyment is locked behind money
Me too... I wish more things would be free. Even if I had money, I dunno, it just feels weird that you have to pay for certain things. I do feel like money being involved also corrupts things to some degree, maybe that's why.

>they are never zero.
Well as I mentioned the other day, I have a very hard time doing things that aren't guaranteed to work out... which is why I almost never do anything I guess, since there are no certainties in life. I gotta start changing that but jeez it sure is hard... why bother with something when it has almost no chances of success... and I wouldn't want another friend right now anyway, I have no desire to socialize with anyone but you lel. I guess that's bad but... eh... it is what it is.

>it definetly is better
I don't knowwww... trying and failing really hurts... but I guess we'll see. Thanks for your well wishes Anonny!!

>i know they cant understand me
I imagine that doesn't help, for sure... Mine could probably understand some parts of me at least, but I still can't bring myself to care... sad. Maybe if I'm away from them for a long enough time, I'll start to regard them more like strangers and actually grow to care for them. Though that's probably wishful thinking.

>fighting game
Yeah! It's very fitting, I think that's why I assumed it would be metal. Fighting games are pretty cool desu, wish I got into those at some point but then again I guess it would be sorta a waste of time so maybe it's good I haven't.

>not too happy
Because laptops are generally a worse value than desktops and harder to upgrade and stuff? But yeah it might be necessary for travel, shipping your desktop around would probably be too expensive.

>i hope!!
I too hope you don't!

you are all very cute and deserves hugs

>>82764576
>does acting like you care make you actually care eventually?
i think it does. fake it till you make type of deal i guess.
>corrupts things to some degree
it definitely does. wherever there's money corruption follows. money makes humans do things they would never do. i hate money. i wish we went back to trading chickens or something. though that's not possible either. i think my hate for money is also a reason why i dont have much motivation to do much in life. i dont even care about getting rich.
>why bother with something when it has almost no chances of success
because if it does succeed it'll feel great, and if not then it doesnt matter. besides trying is better than doing nothing at all. the worst thing you can do is not fail, but not even try
>trying and failing really hurts
that's all there is to life anon, the sooner you accept it and get used to it, the better it is.
>but I still can't bring myself to care
honestly have never seen a case like yours anon. what did your therapists told you about it? what could've caused you to start feeling the way you do towards your parents? im really curious honestly. it's okay if you'd rather not say though.
>wish I got into those at some point
ehhh they're just made to make people angry so you haven't missed out on much...
>and stuff?
yes. they also tend to break easily. and i like to have a desktop because i like to see the fans in it spin
>>82764729
you too anon heres a hug for you
*hug

also ill be going to bed now, thanks for talking with me today everyone! i hope you all have a lovely weekend

>>82764792
Good night Taonon!! Hopefully when you wake up tomorrow the cold will be gone! Thanks so much for keeping me company while I was on the bus hehe.

>>82764757
>i think it does. fake it till you make type of deal i guess.
Fumu well I suppose I should try to act like that then... I do wish I cared more after all. It takes a lot of energy though, something I lack already. I wish I had more energy... It's always been this way too, I don't think it's just my depression.

>i wish we went back to trading chickens or something.
I'm not sure even that would fix it.. chickens would just bring about corruption instead then. It would be better because at least people would hopefully not amass giant amounts of chickens for no reason, but I imagine it still would cause corruption to some degree. I just wish everything was done out of kindness, people would feed and clothe and house each other because that's the right thing to do and there'd be zero monetary or other motivation there. But I guess that's about as realistic as wishing an anime girl would fall from the sky and into your lap.

>i think my hate for money is also a reason why i dont have much motivation to do much in life.
Me too I think... people always act surprised when I tell them I don't want a fancy car or big mansion or whatever. I don't get why you'd want those things... most things money can buy aren't that meaningful after you have the basics covered. Though, those basics are pretty darn important...

>if it does succeed it'll feel great
Not true! I have almost a bigger fear of success than fear of failure. If I fail, at least that's it, I can give up and rest. But if I succeed then I have to also work hard to maintain whatever thing I got out of it, and that's stressful and a never-ending responsibility that I'd rather just avoid.

>if not then it doesnt matter
Logically yeah, I suppose not... but to my brain it still matters unfortunately.

Cont.

Cont.

>>82765921
>>82764757
>trying is better than doing nothing
I suppose so... this reminds me of a character from a VN I read a while back. He had a monologue at the beginning of the VN where he was basically like, "I never filled myself up with anything. I want to change that and become a fuller person" or something like that. I still remember that years later... I can relate to that way too much. I feel so empty, so devoid of personhood... and I can only imagine that's because I never filled myself up with anything, since I never try and always just do nothing. Now that I think about it, you remind me a bit of that character. He went on to make friends and do something with his life, which it kind of feels like you did as well with guitar and becoming a chef and wanting a friend group. Maybe I should follow in those steps or something... but augh why does it fill me with such dreadful terror...

>sooner you accept it and get used to it
How can anyone accept that... I don't want to live if that's how it is. What's even the point. Why can't life just be a flowing river of bliss that takes you to all sorts of highs and lows without you having to paddle. I mean heck, I don't even hate failure that much, I just hate trying. I hate putting myself out there. I hate having autonomy.

Cont.

Cont.

>>82765928
>>82764757
>never seen a case like yours
T-that's not good... I don't think it's too unusual is it? I think there's a lot of people like me out there frankly, just not as far gone I guess. But uhm my therapists usually just think it's childhood trauma essentially, my parents, even if they aren't bad people, just weren't good enough parents I guess (and not because they are even worse than average parents, rather it's probably because I'm way more sensitive than the average person), and that supposedly is where all my issues with them come from. I do think this makes sense because I wasn't always like this, I only started to become like this around 6-7 years old and it slowly got worse and worse until my own parents became strangers to me basically.
Also thanks for asking! I don't mind talking about it at all if you're curious.

>made to make people angry
Ahhh, so they're my kind of game indeed! Next you're gonna say they're made to torture people, and then I'd be *really* interested. I don't know why I like games like this... I wish I approached life with the mindset I approach these sorts of games with. But somehow it's different when the stakes are real, I guess.

>tend to break easily
Does seem true in my experience... But as for fans I think you can get a transparent back panel if you want to see those. And maybe a front one too, I think they have like transparent keyboards even? But probably not for all models of laptops, so it might be hard to find depending on which one you get.

>>82765928
...Maybe that's why... yeah, it's probably one of the reasons, at least...

>>82765928
Ah, it's on YouTube apparently. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uC8_h0egPeM
Damn... he basically says pretty much the same thing we talked about the other day. Happiness doesn't come automatically, you have to work for it...