Thread 82881168

do you ever feel fine and then, suddenly, remember how you look, who you are, and immediately feel an immense feeling of dread, hopelessness, and get the urge to kill yourself?

>>82881168 (OP)
Yes, when I see myself in photographs

>>82881168 (OP)
>Hu Tao anon broke
you good, bro?

>>82881168 (OP)
Everyone sees me as some kind of monster, and when I remember that I feel very bad.

>>82881175
shoutout to "suddenly for no reason" not wanting to take pictures ever as a kid/young teen absolutely despising it and not knowing why (it was the beginning of the self-erasure) fellows

>>82881176
i've been broken a long time
>>82881191
i feel like i am and yet others don't see me as one
or maybe they do and just don't say it

>>82881168 (OP)
yes, its like a big wave suddenly hitting me and then dragging me into a dark ocean that takes all my power to swim out

>>82881168 (OP)
no. the dread and terror come only when I realize I have to do all the things I already did and keep doing, and even harder and more humiliating ones, all for pretty much nothing, again and again and again and no "self-improvement", not even becoming some Chad billionaire with perfect mental health, would make it easier for me. society suddenly not being predatory hell and people stopping being worse than animals won't make it better for me, either
>>82881193
creating photos of yourself is a contribution of yourself to the world. the world isn't entitled

>>82881168 (OP)
Damn, it sucks you just randomly can start feeling awful like that Anon. And yeah, I have this too, but it's usually not bad enough that I want to really kill myself, though the dread and hopelessness are certainly relatable. It's interesting how we exist in this precarious balance where we're seemingly okay but then remembering something can instantly make you reevaluate the value of your whole life. It seems the only way to feel fine is to live in a dark, murky haze and avoid any brightly lit patches.

>who you are
You should remember you are an amazing person though! You are kind and selfless and interesting and unique. Or so I think anyways! I know it doesn't feel that way to you but I just hate to see you thinking so poorly of my dear Taonon. Maybe you've done a lot of bad things according to you but I think your standards are just too harsh, as they often are when it comes to judging ourselves. You are fine the way you are, Anon.

you are probably not as bad as you think you look and are wasting your life

>>82881168 (OP)
Yeah, what the fuck? That is exactly what happening to me right now. Good to know that I'm not the only faggot that will kill himself because this.

>>82881168 (OP)
i have that feeling when i look at pictures of my grandfather and my great-grandfather, i will never have a life like they had...

>>82881168 (OP)
Yeah. I'm morbidly obese, but I know I could starve myself into being skinny. But then what? I'm just loose skin bags that are even less attractive to women. I guess my dick will be bigger, but still. A slug is worse than a fatty to women

>>82881168 (OP)
>>82881293
NO, I'M PRETTY GORGEOUS AND SMART AND FUN AND COULD DO GREAT THINGS
THE TERROR COMES FROM NOT KNOWING WHERE TO START FOR ACHIEVING GREAT THINGS.... VERY SCARY...

ALSO HEY HU TAO ANON I HOPE YUOR DOING OKAY BRO HOWS LIFE

>>82881324
when it feels that way, drowning doesn't seem as scary
>>82881350
it's though to just do anything other than rot these days
i too feel like becoming whatever "perfection" is won't succeed in making me want to live
>>82881351
light is scary indeed, i feel like i might be a vampire after all
and im not fine, if i was then why do i feel the way i do? i hate every fibre of my being. why do i hate myself to such a degree if im a good person?
>>82881363
correct
>>82881412
solidarity does wonders huh
>>82881439
i feel the same but with my brothers instead
>>82881441
improvement really feels like fixing a problem just to create another
>>82881469
wish i could have the same energy as you anon. life is getting the best of me.

>>82881562
>if i was then why do i feel the way i do?
Because our feelings are unfortunately not always accurate, Anon. I know you know this.. you just have to try to remember that when you're feeling like this. It sucks because everything would be so much easier and better if our feelings were actually an accurate guide to how we should think and act, but they instead mislead us a lot of the time. I hate it because feelings are such a personal thing, they really seem like an invaluable part of you, and yet sometimes they just have to be disregarded... it feels awful to do that but I can't think of anything better. You just have to believe you aren't actually as bad as you feel yourself to be, Anon. I wish I could convince you of it.. *hug* *hug*

>why do i hate myself to such a degree if im a good person?
Why do some evil people love themselves so much if they are bad people? See, we aren't always great judges of ourselves. Neither are other people, yes...I think it's good that you don't want to be a bad person so much that you're always thinking over the things you've done, it's good to be aware of our flaws! But you have to try to remember the good things too, even though it doesn't come naturally and you don't feel like those things are true at all. You are not all negative or all positive, so you have to try to assemble as many puzzle pieces of information as possible to form an accurate picture. You've helped your classmate with their teacher even though you didn't have to, you're still friends with your childhood friend all these years later (would he really still be friends with you if you were such an awful person? There's something to be said about keeping a relationship going so long in this day and age), you care enough about your mom to not yell back at her and make her cry even with how she treats you... I don't know what you've done in the past Anon, but I just can't see you as an awful person. You have way too many good traits for that!

>>82881562
>when it feels that way, drowning doesn't seem as scary
it really hurts to drown tho. it really really hurts

>>82881562
YOU SHOULD START EXERCISING, HUTAONON.
I CAN HELP U GET STARTED I HAVE A COUPLE GOOD BEGINNER PROGRAMS I COULD SEND U.
ANYWAYS I GET LIFE GETTING YOU DOWN BUT JUST DO WHAT I DO
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU ARE THE BEST AND EVENTUALLY (LIKE FOR ME) IT'LL BE THE TRUTH

>>82881725
>you aren't actually as bad as you feel yourself to be
I don't know. i guess. everytime i try to think better of myself i feel like a disgusting narcissist that cares about nothing but their own good. no matter what I always end up hating myself
>>82881883
can't possibly hurt more than endlessly drifting without purpose
>>82882134
i already attempted the gym route anon
a year ago i used to exercise religiously and followed diets, i did improve my looks but it didn't make me any happier. it just made me paranoid about what i eat.
also, no amount of gym will fix my face

>>82882440
>everytime i try to think better of myself i feel like a disgusting narcissist
I get it, I'm exactly the same way. I don't want to think of myself as a good person because what if I'm not? What if I deserve to be punished? How is no one noticing that and why does everyone keep telling me I'm fine when I've done so many wrong things? Yet an actual narcissist would never think like this, they'd never even consider the idea that they might be <negative thing>. You are definitely not a narcissist Anon, you are just human. I hate it but unfortunately I think we as humans are innately selfish to some degree, like everything we do can be considered self-serving in a way, even charitable deeds. But that does not make you a narcissist or a bad person, and you still deserve all the good things in life despite this! I know it's scary to not hate yourself, because then you have to wonder, what if other people hate me? What if I have no hope of ever getting the things that I deserve? And so on. But... and I know I'm being a huge hypocrite when I say this... we gotta try to choose the scarier option sometimes!

>no matter what I always end up hating myself
That's how it is for now then, which is okay, you've struggled with this for a long time. But I hope it doesn't have to always be this way! I don't believe that you are destined to always hate yourself, that would be too sad! I hope you can find a way to stop your brain from making you suffer like this.

>>82882650
>we as humans are innately selfish
i know this, I've been aware for long, i thought i made peace with it but i guess i haven't. i say to others that doing good things, helping others, just because it makes you happy is fine, but then when i think that i might be doing that too i start to wonder if i actually care about anyone other than myself.
>try to choose the scarier option
i don't even see an option anon. i genuinely don't know how to not hate myself. i know it might sound weird, but how do i like myself? am i supposed to be repeating stuff like "you're awesome" to myself or something? does it just happen naturally? i really, can't even fathom an existence where I don't loathe my guts and dream of spilling them out every minute.
>that would be too sad
sure is. but i also don't believe everyone gets happy endings, it matters not if they deserve them or not.

>>82882440
>>82882440
>i feel like a disgusting narcissist
Isn't your narcissism obvious to you ? Or are you really that oblivious to it

Yeah i can feel fine, look in the mirror, then i want to kms. I self harm then

>>82882949
>i thought i made peace with it but i guess i haven't.
Yeah... I haven't either, honestly. I always feel like it's selfish of me to do good things because I think I'm just doing them so I can feel better about myself. Acceptance is hard, let alone when it comes to something like selfishness which I care way too much about for some reason.

>i genuinely don't know how to not hate myself.
I don't think this is weird at all! I am exactly the same way. It's why I haven't really written some concrete instructions for you on how to not hate yourself... I would have if I knew what they were. I can only not hate myself logically, if you know what I mean. Like, if I try to take an objective view of the situation, then I see that I'm not really worse than most other people, so there's no reason to hate myself if I don't hate those people. But that's about all I've been able to achieve, I still can't actually feel like I'm an okay person on an emotional level. I'm just kinda hoping that with enough reminders of the objective facts of the situation it would eventually get through to my brain and it would stop assaulting me with constant put-downs. I do think it's helped a little over the years, my self-hating episodes don't last as long as they used to I don't think. But I can't guarantee it would work for you honestly...

>"you're awesome" to myself
I haaaaaate that and don't think it works at all, so no I'm not suggesting that.

>can't even fathom an existence where I don't loathe my guts
You'd need to forgive yourself somehow I think. Perhaps the threads you make might help with that, both because you are doing something good and because you get to be kind to other Anons which I think can translate back to being a little nicer to yourself as well. Hopefully. So you're doing good on that front I think!

>i also don't believe everyone gets happy endings
Can't disagree there... I just have a lot of (maybe naive) hope I suppose.

>do you
Yes. All the time.

>>82883200
i guess it's hard to say for me. how could a narcissist hate themselves so much? and yet some things i do and say make me feel like i can't be anything other than that. what is making it obvious for you?
>>82883280
>hoping that with enough reminders
i guess, that might work. i do try to answer back to my brain each time it tries to tell me things that aren't true, though it's difficult when im the only person trying to prove it wrong
>forgive yourself
I don't know if there's a way for me to do that. it's such a difficult task. the threads help since they make me feel like im at the very least putting back some good in the world despite all that I've taken. but i don't think it's enough.

>>82883381
>i do try to answer back to my brain each time it tries to tell me things that aren't true
That's good! But yeah, it's annoying how persistent our brains are, and exhausting to constantly try to argue against them. Sometimes I just give up and indulge the self-hatred... I guess it's fine, any little bit helps.

>I don't know if there's a way for me to do that. it's such a difficult task.
Yeah, it is. I thought about what you can do but really I don't know either, it's something I struggle with myself. It's so easy for me to forgive others, but so hard to forgive myself. I guess something that helps a little is that it's easier to do good things if you've forgiven yourself, than if you keep hating yourself--because the latter drains all your energy and you have less to give back to the world as a result. That gives me some motivation to be nicer to myself but sadly it doesn't help much...

>but i don't think it's enough.
It might just be slow going. It would probably take years to feel any effect from it, I reckon. But I don't know, maybe it really isn't enough, though I think if you think that, then you are probably again overestimating how much you have to "atone for". Really, you probably don't have to at all. It would be nice if you could think of the threads as something that you just do because you like giving back, not because you would be a bad person if you didn't. All the things you took from this world, were because you needed them in some way, so it's not something you are required to give back. But I don't know how to get yourself to think this way either... I wish I knew how to help you better Anonny, but alas I haven't figured it out for myself either yet.

>>82881168 (OP)
I'm feeling quite dreadful right now hmm
it's good to know i'm not the only one and even tho that's true for everytime you feel any emotion, personally seeing or reading what another might be feeling at this very moment creates certain connection.

>>82883381
>>82883200
OP isn't a fucking narc, you absolute moron.
narcs don't fucking hat themselves and they're always convinced that what they're doing is right, for one. someone with so much doubt and self-hate couldn't possibly be a narc.

die.

Yes.
But then I remember none of this shit matters anyway so therefore it is irrational to think that I or my looks are bad.

>>82883629
>I guess it's fine
I'm not sure it is. it only grows stronger that way. it's what has been happening to me at least. im sure i didn't hate myself as much as i do now years past. it only gets worse with time
>take years
i don't want to be this way anymore
im so so tired of myself i just want to be gone
thanks for being nice
>>82883713
thanks anon
>>82884266
i also try not to care about anything but god it's difficult to ignore what's right in my face
quite literally

>>82883381
Getting angry when things don't go your way or when you receive criticism, for starters. Blowing up at others and blaming it on "well I'm unstable" instead of bettering yourself. I could say that being an avatarfag is another thing but I don't think it's that deep. You have to learn how to grow instead of staying complacent. Surrounding yourself with yes men won't help either.
>>82883713
>Self loathing narcs aren't a thing!
>Everything is yes or no!
Shh. Sit down.

>>82884554
>it only grows stronger that way.
Uuu maybe you are feeding into it too much then... but it's hard not to, so I can't blame you I guess. It's so tiring having to fight yourself all the time. I wish you the tenacity to fight the self-hatred for a while longer, Anon.

>im so so tired of myself i just want to be gone
Isn't it more that you are tired of holding yourself to ridiculous standards? I think anyone would be, if they set such standards for themselves. I get not wanting to lower the standards though, I wouldn't want to do that either. But maybe there's some way to not judge yourself so harshly for not meeting them at least. That's what makes it so tiring I think. If you could accept that you aren't where you want to be, but still earnestly keep trying to get there--that would be best. But I imagine you're afraid everything would come crashing down around you if you let go of hatred as a source of fuel. It did get you quite far, so it's understandable... I don't know how sustainable it is at this point, though.

>thanks for being nice
No problem Anonny, it's the least I could do really

>>82881168 (OP)
B^^^) wow, what a question to ask. Hope you're doing alright, fren. Also, yes.

>>82884682
>Getting angry when things don't go your way
...isn't that kind of a common consequence that people experience when bad things happen? besides, the only thing i get angry at usually is myself. i also don't really care when people criticize me, as long as it's not someone i care about. then i just get sad i guess.
>blaming it on "well I'm unstable"
i mean, what else can i blame it on? and bettering myself, how do i do that? i've been trying, i think im better off than how i was in the past, but apparently it's not enough
>>82884768
>ridiculous standards?
i really don't think the standards im trying to stay at are ridiculous. just being a functional human being that is able to be with other people, and to take care of themselves. is what im trying to be. but i guess im not good enough. to lower my standards means to give up and become who i don't want to be
>>82884788
i feel like that possum understands my current state of mind very well. but thank you, i hope that despite your answer you're able to be fine

>>82885136
>just being a functional human being that is able to be with other people, and to take care of themselves.
Hmm, well I guess that's indeed not ridiculous. Pretty reasonable even... so I see how not even being able to do this much is pretty upsetting. But still, there's no point in blaming or hating yourself over it, it's not your fault! Yeah, I suppose lowering the standards would indeed be unproductive in this case, but you still shouldn't judge yourself so harshly for not meeting them. So what that you are like this? It really sucks for you, that's about it. It doesn't say anything about you beyond that. You don't need to worry about not matching up to some idea of a "normal" human being that you have in your mind.

I don't think you are that far away from meeting these standards anyway. You're able to go to school, you've had jobs before, so I think you'll be able to take care of yourself just fine. Being able to be with other people, that's a lot harder, but again I don't think you're hopeless there. I believe you'll learn to manage your emotions better with age and experience, so you won't ruin your relationships at least. The only issue then is finding someone to actually get into one with, but that's more a problem with the world than with you, so you really have no reason for blaming yourself for that.

That's how it seems to me at least. Maybe this is an overly positive take, I suppose... but I don't think it's totally unreasonable at least. There's enough hope to at least keep trying for now I think. And you have been! Very hard! So good job on that, Taonon.

No because I don't have a cluster B personality disorder that I refuse to get any kind of treatment for

>>82885136
I'm doing well enough and I had a feeling that webm would resonate B^). I'll be fine also, I always am. Anytime I get too down, it's just a matter of time before the fervor of my ambitious ideas overtakes me.

>>82885136
I didn't say bad things, I said when things don't go your way. Even when it's something minor. But to answer your question, no that's not the common response. Frustration might be common, but not anger, resentment or making a scene on a 4chan thread as you have in the past lmao.
>the only thing i get angry at usually is myself
>also don't really care when people criticize me
Lol.
Can you see all the excuses and blame shifting in your post? The few white lies sprinkled in there ? Blame yourself for once instead of throwing your hands up in the air with "it's just how I am! Boo hoo! Woe as me!" and calling it a day. How else will you ever make any real progress? Do you really expect the answer to be told to you? Self reflection and real research go a long way. At least for those who actually want help and to change instead of circle jerking for the millionth time. Don't take this harshly, I think it's something you need to hear to actually do something and I refuse to be anyone's yes man. Anyway gotta blast. Again don't take this harshly. Good luck to you Anon.

>>82881168 (OP)
I would tear my face off if I could

>>82881168 (OP)
Almost every single day when I wake up

>>82881168 (OP)
Good night nonny. Tomorrow will be better. I belive it.

Have a good night, anonnnn <3

>>82881168 (OP)
Yes, and the solution is a river of vodka