Thread 41469180

let it out

>>41469180 (OP)
my injection site hurts so bad and i cant tell anyone cuz nobody knows i got this

>>41469180 (OP)
i have ruined my life beyond repair, i have no plans to turn it around, im going to kill myself soon

>>41469180 (OP)
fucking fuck you what the fuck you fucking fucker I fucking hate you now what the fuck

there is a man who my heart pines for and who crush on so hard but i can never ever tell him
it hurts so bad because all i want is to make him happy and be there for him
hes alone and i know it hurts him, he doesn’t think of himself too highly either i dont think, he calls himself a loser and it makes me cry

i can never ever tell him how i truly feel about him because its parasocial and creepy because hes a small content creator
and it breaks my heart into a million pieces because i just want to be there for him and be his rock and a shoulder for him to cry on, i want to solve his problems and be nice to him and tell him how he never ceases to impress me and how proud i am of him and how hes a unique special person who’s one of a kind

i can never say any of the true emotions in my heart
i hate myself so much for this

Did you say lez out? Okey

i just want a girl to hold me and whisper in my ear that everything is going to be alright. maybe give me kisses if she isn't disgusted by me. i don't even mind it if she doesn't like me and is just doing it out of pity.

i want to be a pretty girl and wear a skirt and spin around and i hate myself so much for it, i don't understand myself and that hurts

>>41469180 (OP)
Im only attracted to masculinity and I love bottoming but I also love pussy and hate topping. Thus is life.

i really just want to be held and told im a good daughter more than anything. being a victim of csa who gets disowned by their parents for being trans hurts so much and it feels like i never got a chance. it hurts most knowing i legitimately tried to be a good kid and it doesnt matter due to circumstances that were entirely out of my control. even despite the things i was subjected to, by all metrics i should have been off the rails doing bad stuff. but i stayed on honor roll all my life, and never seriously acted out besides (functionally) doing drugs to dissociate. im so jealous of cis women with normal supportive parents and i spend a lot of time trying to find older women to hold me and tell me im doing a good job. im also extremely ashamed about my own desires for this :(

i wish i had a mom. or something

>>41469180 (OP)
I think I have a crush on someone from this board. It's really stupid, I don't even know what she looks like. We just ended up talking basically every day and I've been getting excited for when she posts and missing her when she doesn't. I don't think she gets as excited to talk to me, but she does, so maybe I'm just overthinking. Or maybe she's just a bit more normal than me. We couldn't even date if I wanted to go for it since we live nowhere near each other. Idk, I worry that I'm just desperate, it's been a long time since I've been with someone. I wouldn't want to hurt her. I feel so stupid. I'm thinking about asking her to talk outside of here, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I'd be fine just being friends, but I don't wanna ruin what we have going on by making it weird even asking to just talk somewhere else where we can just message each other. I'm not good at this

>>41469626
75% of small content creators end up dating fans, your dreams dont have to be memes

>>41469180 (OP)
I'm cheating on my bf and i'm not even enjoying it. like im being a whore because it feels like a girl like me is supposed to be a whore

>>41470262
i pray every day and night that maybe something could happen between us

but i just don’t know…i don’t know how to broach the subject with him, i don’t know how to do this appropriately

i don’t even know if he would want to date a stupid boymoding tranny loser failure like me, even if he was open to dating a fan…

he makes me so happy…i wish i could be his and make him happy, too…chatting with him and being on vc with him are the parts of my day i look forward to the most…the other night he was playing bf6 and rambling and talking a bit and i laid on my bed with my shark and imagined i was sleeping on his lap, it was so nice, but then i started crying because i felt so creepy and awful…
i don’t even speak in the vc i use a mute chat he set up because im too scared to use my stupid tranny voice, i hate it so much

i really really pray and hope that somehow my wish can come true, he makes me so happy

>>41469180 (OP)
>AGAMP
>dated women most of my life
>the only type of pork I’ve ever watched is trans
>always self inserted as trans girl
>relationships with women always ended because of my AGAMP thoughts
>got dolled up and dated a guy
>felt good
>he fucked me and I came while he was inside but no post nut regret
>pretty sure I should have groomed 10 years ago
>primarily fantasize about my guy friend fucking me after catching me dolled up
>women no longer turn me on

Probably trooning now

>>41470604
Have you tried telling him how you feel? Like genuinely?

>Confession
Have you guys ever read The Lonely Man of Faith?
It's weird, being what I am and having what I have, and not being able to relate with anyone IRL

Not to mention being on the spectrum (ADHD) so that's another fun twist in the mix
I don't know if I'll ever find love, I don't think anyone can handle me. I can't even handle me sometimes

Yesterday we spent together the whole shift, talking and laughing the entire time, caught him staring at me several times but today he doesn't even want to talk to me, like he feels disgusted by my presence, it's honestly disheartening but also extremely dumb, I'm so stupid for even thinking he likes me even just a little bit...

>confession

I became friends with this girl from tinder, we hit it off really well, but weren't compatible sexually (she wanted to top, and I dont bottom) so I introduced her to a friend of mine, they hit it off really well, and are now living their best transbian life, and everytime they're together acting cute or being all lovey dovey I feel so fucking sad and alone, like I'm glad that they're happy together, but there's a small part of me that resents myself for doing that, because all I see is how happy I could have been

im feeling lonely tn. i listened to the beginning of songs for a blue guitar today and i couldnt get past the first somg bc i remembered the time i listened to it woth you and held you while you cried into my shoulder. i love you and im glad you're doing better. just miss ya wnd im drunk is all. you were the most pure and beautiful soul i ever laid eyes on

i fucking hate my life i fucking hate my life i fucking hate my life i want to kill myself to badly

I groom transgirls by giving them the money for estrogen then I buy slutty clothing for them and make them model it for me.

>>41470621
no i haven’t… i just don’t know how to, and i dont know how to do it appropriately…my feelings feel so awful and creepy

and my gut says that he wouldn’t be amicable to it, i dont think he likes me but i cant really be sure…i just dont want to ruin things because im afraid he would be creeped out and get angry at me and want to go no contact

i just dont know what to do…i feel like an awful miserable coward and it hurts so bad…

M,
I still hope we can some day see each other again
R

>>41470888
>trips get wise advice
Start small anon, tell him how much being in his streams/vcs/etc. make you happy, and the qualities you admire about him, be friendly, tell him how his existence impacts you, as someone who makes art and content, hearing how much someone is impacted by your content feels good, I dont think he'd go NC unless you straight up hit him with some creep shit, don't overthink it anon

if I see you again I will actually literally murder you how could you you fucking betrayed me

>>41469180 (OP)
I was raped before I even knew what sex was. Now I can't do it without freaking out, regardless of who I'm with. I have to dissociate the whole time. I can't cum either. I'm ugly and visibly trans so nobody would want to take me home. I'm in love with this trans girl but she would never want me, nobody likes trans boys. People who like men want a real man, not someone clawing at nothing and pretending to be one, only able to fuck them with plastic.
It's alright sleeping with lesbians. Maybe once I hit a year on T and I have time to go to the gym I'll look good enough for someone to want a relationship with me.

>>41469180 (OP)
i really hope my life works out my mom has cancer my dad is dead my bf broke up with me a few months ago my life is spiraling out of control and i just want one positive thing to happen in my life soon please

>>41471062
I'm sorry to hear that anon, eventually life does get better, but for the moment feel free to scream into the void

Im sorry I said you werent trans. Im going through my own shit and also felt resentful when you said I was arguing like a man. I don't even know what the point of me saying that was. Im sorry and I regret ruining everything.

>>41470939
thank you for the advice…i genuinely appreciate it from the bottom of my heart

for what it’s worth i do a number of these things…i always try to compliment him when appropriate, i tell him that he makes me happy in a variety of ways, things like that…sometimes we’ve chatted just me and him into the late hours of the night about mutual interests, it’s so nice when that happens…

im going to continue and will try starting small like that…
but i dont know how to cross the rubicon, in the sense of actually telling him my feelings at some point…
…what do i even say? this pathetic tranny loser likes you? im a khhv and ive never even been on a date before, i dont know how any of this stuff works…it all feels so foreign and the juxtaposition of that and the intensity of my emotions makes this all feel so scary…

>>41471144
Then you're like halfway there, do you have conversations with him about stuff? I think you're probably getting into your own head too much, and bottling up your feelings wont help either, you have to rip the bandaid off, worst case scenario, he's not into you but you remain friends, if someone is as genuine as he sounds I doubt he's going to hate you or anythinf

I was left by my mother during the genital phase of psychosexual development and developed a hardcore oedipus complex. Not the kind that everyone sort of has, but like an actual oedipus complex. I really hate myself for it.

>>41471172
yes i do, usually about mutual interests but sometimes other stuff too
i remember a day ago or so we talked about bf6 for a while since we’ve both been enjoying it a lot, he really likes the battlefield series
not too long ago i told him i restrung my guitar and he sent some music he made before doing finger style type stuff, it impressed me so much and i made sure to tell him that and how cool i thought it was…he seems to like it when i compliment him i think but i dont really know…

i think you’re right though at some point i will have to rip the band aid off and tell him…i just dont know how to
and i just idk
i feel horrible about it
and i feel awful for not actually talking to him in vc
im terrified it will turn him off that im an awful tranny with a stupid tranny voice even though im pretty sure he knows im a tranny

i just feel so torn and conflicted about it all, i wish he somehow could just read all of the stupid posts ive made on this board about this…

>>41471264
Just do it! No thinking, just show up in his VC sometime and talk to him, its better to know and have that closure than to spend the rest of your life miserable wondering about "what could have been"

i like him so so so so much and he knows how i feel and said he wanted to get to know me better,,, i really wish i knew how he was feeling cuz even though we used to flirt a lot and stuff now that he knows im serious its become a little less like that,,, i dont know if its a bad sign or not butit makes me anxious
he works a lot and is usually busy so i get very little time to spend with him which means it takes longer for us to get close,,, i wish he would just,, see how i feel and give me what iwant so badly,,,,,, i want to be his i want him to be mine i want himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

you are nothing to me

>>41471284
you’re right, i need to stop thinking so much with my stupid brain…it’s just hurting me
i think that would be a good first step…just talking with him on vc actually instead of just texting…
and maybe when it’s late at night ill try and ask him appropriately or something like that…

thank you for the advice anon i really appreciate it, you’ve made me feel better

>>41471374
i know. but you're everything to me. cant help it. just ignore me. i promise i wont come to your house and rev my car real loud now that i got the muffler removed.

im a homeless tranny living in her car

>>41469626
It's only fair that I confess my adoration for you, sweet boymoder.

Everytime you text me, even when its just to sat hello, i get all wheepy and emotional
I think about you all day everyday, i miss when we'd talk sun up to sun down telling each other sweet things. Theres nothing more i want than to be able for us to see each other whenever one of us gets up. To get to kiss each other hello and goodbye, fall asleep holding one another or all cuddled up on the couch. I wanna share everything with you, i wanna be holding your hand anytime im out in public, i wanna hear you talk about your day before bed every night again
I miss how things were so fucking bad. I wish i could've told you how much you meant to me before it was over, i wish we could go back to all of that

>>41471532
im not your person but i feel the same way about someone. i hope we find the same way things were with someone new where things will last. it's hard to know how great things are until we've lost them.

best of luck friend

>>41471514
are you the same person as before? you were very nice on my threads…

i wish i could confess my adoration to him but even the thought of that, even the thought of just speaking out loud gives me an adrenaline rush in the worst way possible

i just wish it was easier somehow…it’s all so scary…

>>41471574
I don't want anyone new though.............

>>41471587
Not the same person in this thread, but previous ones.
Love is scary. I hope you find your courage. I wish I could there for you.

>>41471708
thank you for being kind to me before…i still remember that

love really is terrifying…i hope i find my courage too
it’s so hard though
i can hardly find the courage to speak let alone tell him the true emotions locked deep within my heart

i wish he could just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok
hes such a sweet kind man
i dont want him to be alone and sad
i want him to be happy

i ripped my jeans, got in a fight with my parents, and now im sleeping in my trunk.
im so sad.

>>41471736
I want you to be happy too. You're so sweet that you deserve that love back.

I feel a little resentful at the honmoding babytrannies in the irl friend group because I boymoded for years until I could pass but they’re just being visibly trans

>>41471768
i hope i can get it back…i think about him every night and day…it really would break me if it doesn’t work out…because i care about him so much

>>41471841
I'll be rooting for you, qt. Stay safe out there and good luck.

>>41471960
thank you for being kind anon

i think maybe soon ill get the courage…

>>41472016
He'd be silly not to take someone as wonderful as you

>>41472022
i don’t know…i wouldn’t be surprised if he wants a real woman
or gets creeped out from my emotions
or just doesn’t respond well to them

i just hope that’s not the case
he truly is the one thing in this world that makes me happy
when i go to sleep at night i cry and pray that one night ill finally be in his arms
it would be so nice…

i saw a picture of his arm that he sent the other day and i stop imagining being in his arms and feeling him…it would be so fulfilling…

>>41472268
I wish I could do anything to make a girl like you happy. I hope he's able to brighten up your world so you can finally be joyful.

>>41472287
i hope so too otherwise i think its over for me
thank you for being nice to me

>>41472316
>i think its over for me
Please don't say this. There's so much out there for someone like you.

>>41472333
all i can do is hope that there is something out there for me
i feel emotionally drained…my mind ruminates on this constantly, it hurts…

i just hope i can muster the courage to speak out loud in vc…it hurts so bad because there’s times where it’s just one on one but there’s also times where there’s other people in there
and they’re all real women…it’s part of the reason i don’t speak, it’s pathetic but i feel absolutely inadequate in comparison to them…they all speak so effortlessly while i cant even muster a word…

i wish i could just go to sleep
some of the happiest times for me is when i am drifting out of consciousness imagining hes holding me and caressing me gently…

>>41469180 (OP)
I want to be a real girl
I want to be loved
I want to live a happy life
But none of these will ever come true

>>41472378
I yearn so badly to help you be happy. You deserve it all and more.

>>41472378
dam anonette. does he know you're trans? you should consider ripping off that band-aid and at least joining VC even if you don't explicitly tell him you're trans. it looks like you're already really invested in him and I don't want you to get even further down the line with him and deeper into it and then something happening, it would hurt even worse if you waited imo

>>41472510
im not really sure but i think he may know or at least have a hunch based on some things ive shared with him
but hes never heard my stupid awful tranny voice before and im terrified of pushing him away
it doesn’t help that half the time the vc is occupied with real women and i just feel horrible thinking about speaking in their presence

i do need to rip the band aid off but it’s just so hard and scary because im terrified he will be disinterested or not want me or get angry at me for my feelings towards him
i truly mean it when i say he is basically the only thing i have in my life that makes me happy
i dont want to lose him
hes such a sweet man
i admire him so much

>>41472621
can you post a vocraoo?

>>41472686
https://voca.ro/1cChdAxIMztn

even recording a stupid vocaroo of my voice spikes my adrenaline
i hate my stupid tranny voice so much
it doesn’t pass and i would make a fool of myself to speak around him especially with real women around
it all just hurts so bad

i hate myself so much

>>41469180 (OP)
I could make new friends if I lowered my standards a bit, but with most of them being retards with 0 interest in going outside it bothers me. I put myself out there quite alot but to not really much avail, for some reason everyone's comfortable staying indoors all their life and playing vidya? insane mindset to me. I guess a part of being an adult is accepting you're going to spend a lot of time alone but it's usually only once every couple of months I actually hang out with people other than my coworkers. I don't really count vc's or online chats, don't really hit the same spot to me. I'm just frustrated and wish I had real friends I guess.

>>41472728
The need to protect grows even higher.

>>41469180 (OP)
after i aged over 23 grindr dried up, i guess it was pederasty the whole way down because physically i am in better shape. i am just dissapointed in myself for caring for these years and in my """community""""

I killed a kitten when I was a small child and I think my life ever since has been karmic retribution for that act. I have never told anyone that I did this. It makes me feel like a monster.

>>41472836
but why? it’s a stupid unpassing tranny voice that makes it even more clear that im not a real woman
it would repel him

>>41472974
It's a sad, vulnerable, cute voice that needs protected and cherished.