>>24468197
>I'm just confused on the rituals/connection between Adamu and Lod. Thematic, not just familial/tribe connection. I'm sad for Adamu, he did nothing wrong but got all the worst luck. I'm sad that Lod went out like a chump, he could have been a powerful
guard* when he grows up
derp.
>>24459718
>by this point, I'm wondering about the narrator situation. it's all very external and it feels very disembodied, like it's just words and not actually a character in a place somewhere.
One of the main points was I wanted to capture the passiveness of watching traffic, until I snap and decide to do something.
>at the end of the story, im not sure if i like this dish. it might just be youre using ingredients i personally dont like, but i do think that something more could have happened. i get that there is this sort of malaise, this sort of carver-esque acceptance of the banality, and then the sort of glimpses at the beauty of the cirus of life, but i just think the voice wasnt hitting it for me, i didnt quite jive with the observations made by the narrator, but like i said, thats just me. the ending definitely works for what youre trying to do here.
It needed refinement for sure. I would have, but I knew that if I were to wait till the deadline/before the deadline to post it, I would have missed it. Because on that day I was unable to get home before the deadline.
>>24462345
>benign existence
Yes. Like boring, miniscule, insignificant, plain. John/Bob is names to represent the average bloke on the road. His screams was probably the car/horns.
>>24466183
>I'm 2nd Place
How the hell did I do this?
