Thread 33512838

Where my schizos at?

I didn't understand the hate for realtors until I've had to sell my house. I HATE my fucking realtor. Manipulative, dishonest, gas lighting, sensitive, egotistical fucking cunt can't wait for this to be over.

if you have one, even ONE person that you could call up and expect to have a neutral or pleasant conversation with them, you are doing better than me.

>>33512893
Service only from 13-17, please respect our break regulations

>Meet guy
>Be interested
>He gets a gf faster than I can comfortably express my interest
>Rinse and repeat
Thus is the life of a socially inept 27yo femcel

>>33512838 (OP)
I feel like my parents merely made me to fill in a fucking check mark and it pisses me off to no end. What can I do to not feel this way?

I'm close to achieving everything I desire. Power, relative wealth ( 10/15k a month), prestige, enlightenment, yet, deep down, I'm still sad I think. It's like I fluctuate between heartless self-interest and deep melancholy. Also, I still miss my ex. To such an extent I'm rejecting young and pretty women because I can't even imagine having sex with them

Uh oh, my brother has "childhood trauma" in his discord tag now

>be chubby my entire life
>No matter how much I exercise it doesn't go away
>I was a literal track runner at school and I still lost no more than 3kg per year
>Be early 20s
>Get IBS diagnosis and start eating low carb
>Dropped 10kg in a couple of months
I'm almost angry with how simple it was. I literally got bullied for nothing.

>>33513035
Same

Mel you’re so pretty and sweet and kind I wish so badly that I could get to know you better, if I wasn’t a faggot with zero confidence I’d make excuses to come over and talk to you, maybe I’d not even need an excuse and just come and talk to you for no reason. But I’m a sad pathetic faggot with no confidence so I’ll just rot alone pining over you wasting my life and worst of all I know it’s all my fault and I deserve to die alone for being a coward and a faggot

>>33513014
What's your time window for expressing comfort?

>>33513027
Cut them off?

>>33513070
Great job!
Abs are made in the kitchen.
Do you want to be bullied(gently) now?

>>33513281
Want an anon to command you to do it?

>>33513040
Uh oh
Does he want to talk about it?

I feel like I've lost something. She ruined me. I couldn't be normal because she couldn't keep her hands off of me as a kid. My fault I guess. Sorry for overreacting to some one time occurrence.

The one sad thing about winter ending is that if I grab an impulsive beer from the cupboard it'll actually be fucking warm
My trick of "I just won't keep it in the fridge, that way I won't drink it straight away" might actually start working again

>>33512893
not a literal schizo but i love me some schizoposting even though no one ever FUCKING replies, because i'm the crazy person on the train, and you never make eye contact with the crazy person on the train

>>33513297
Depends on the guy. With an old crush it never happened. Latest one I was sure I wanted to date him almost immediately after being re-acquainted (we went to camp together as teens) but this other girl was faster. And desu good for them, I'm more disappointed with my own lack of initiative

>>33513014
You are not a femcel.

>>33513324
You haven't lost anything.
You aren't ruined.
Not your fault.
You survived.
You're strong.

They aren't her.
Next time your self awareness can get pay the "overreaction".

>>33513384
If you do the inviting/offer you will always be one step ahead of the others.

>>33513408
get past*

>>33513369
Why not?
>looks at you directly in the eye

>>33513306
I’ll try anything

>>33513421
fuck i didn't think this far ahead

I really need to sleep. I should nap. But I can't nap, if I nap I won't be able to sleep. And I don't know how to nap. When I try to nap I just lay there half conscious and feel even worse afterwards. I should drink coffee. But I've never touched that stuff in my life. Someone said I looked absolutely fucked today. This is the cost of clean living, I guess. What do I even do now? Every choice is wrong, shit gets rusty, every door is locked.

>>33512838 (OP)
I can't stand women irl and can only empathize with men. I might be gay but I look up big anime tits all the time so I'm very confused.

>>33513480
Just drink the coffee. You'll probably enjoy it.

I can be weird sometimes

>>33513312
Uh, I dunno.
I can't imagine asking him about it.

>>33513429
Go talk to her.
Tell her how you feel about her.
You have permission to succeed, or fail.
You must talk to her.
Do it right now.

>>33513438
Is it gay if the (eye)balls touch?

>>33513480
Why won't you be able to sleep if you nap?

>>33514252
Yeah, you can also get hpv

>>33513641
Explaination:
In the ideal thier bodies are great.
Thier real behavior is not so great.

it's over.

>>33512838 (OP)
I want a big soft muffin

Saying Israel killing kids is wrong led me to lose buisness opportunities. Guess jews really do control everything and its not just Israel.

>>33514490
People dont care about you until they can take something from you.

>>33514501
I think tonight's the night i do it. You can try to do everything perfectly and people will go out of their way just to prove you can be as awful as they are. I was holding of on suicide with sleeping pills because the seizures last time where horrible but its the last thing I have. Im too scared to try a gun again.

GOD DAMIT GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. I can stop thinking about how much I fucked up getting a somewhat cute fuck buddy. I went to a sex party last month and got to fuck the same chick again as I usually do whenever I go. I decided to say fuck it and get her number. Also kinda want to make out with her.
Instead after we finish, I try to kiss her,but i pussy out, kiss her on the shoulder and ran off. She wont answer my messages online anymore after that (found out they also post videos of themselves online, messaged her before the event)
I cant stop cringing, why and how the fuck did I screw up that bad!? I could've had a relatively attractive, consistent lay that was also seemingly interested in nerd shit.

3 years 2 months to go then i finally start anew. thats how much longer i have left with being in the military. everything before this point had been worse, and me finishing my service will be the last chapter in the section that is the shitty part of my life

im no good. the average person is a good person. but even good people will let me know that what i want isn't compatible with reality. i objectively should kill myself.

>>33514564
You still can? Will you see her again?

>>33514259
I would totally touch (eye)balls with an S.O.
No worry about stds

>>33514564
Kiss her on her a OTHER sholder to balance out the cringe.
You're ok my guy

That was a pretty gross CSS (chicken salad sandwich). Very dry. I get that they didn't want to make the salad too gloopy but you can easily go too far in the other direction. They must have fired their old chicken salad maker

>>33514564
>sex party
how does this work?

In life you can make all the right choices, and work your ass off for something. Yet everything is so fragile. All it takes is one other person in the right position to cause everything to fall down. What's the point of building such beautiful sandcastles if someone comes along and stomps it.

All cops really are bastards

People that dont think so just havent had to deal with cops

>>33514403
You know we're not over.

I just turned 25 but I still feel like self harming over losing at video games. It shouldn't be an issue but I'm just so bad at them and I don't have any other hobbies so it's like I've spent years wasting my time gaming and not even being good at it.

>go on vacation to try and relax
>come home
>instantly stressed again

I'm in the process of getting engaged and eventually married to a great woman. She's my confidant and best friend I tell her everything.
There's one thing I'll never tell her though.
I fuck traps/femboys. At times I think thats what got me into her, that she's quite boyish.
That was one of the main attractors for her. She's pretty flat with a nice fat ass. A bit of tomboy as well. I can never tell her this as I would only ruin another tomboy and those are hard enough to get.

I hate my older boyfriend sometimes. He's twice as old as me and we met on grindr but ever since he had his "rebirth" in therapy he doesn't think of sex and I'm not secually attracted to him anymore but everything is so tied together and I'd be so much worse without him.
I hate feeling stuck like this. I hate being gay.

I wonder if its even worth trying to live my life the way I want to. To me the future seems very bleak with AI possibly going to eliminate tons of jobs, even the creative ones which I thought would be safe. Its becoming increasingly normal to just let the most awful and criminal of people decide laws and let them run the show, the government and other groups are trying to censor the internet and decide what we can and can't enjoy. I want to try and stay optimistic but its getting harder and harder these days.

I can't stop thinking about him. This isn't good.

>>33515402
Ride it out. Its okay to feel things

>>33514999
Be lucky enough you find one going on in your area, and be luckier that its not 98% guys and 2% women that actually are slutty.
And then you ask to fuck someone, ideally before the train gets ran on the one girl you want.

>>33514654
Maybe if im able to go to it next month. I tried so hard get her to be cool with me and I probably just outed myself as a social retard, she dont wanna touch no more. Im trying to get into her inner circle and lower circle bro, see if she can introduce me to more kinda hot sluts.

>>33515408
Rub it out

>>33515402
Guess you need to talk to him then.

Another day of constant anxiety and being unable to get over her
Trying to not drink about it anymore at least, shit was turning me into an alcoholic but damn it's time to move on already

I have two things making me go crazy right now and both are stupid things to feel bad about
I am very anxious and upset because I haven’t been able to find an object I own and love for a week
I am also sad because I don’t have a furry gf/wife

I enjoy receiving sexual attention more than actually fucking/being involved with someone.

found out a coworker has almost -140 hours used of PTO. our boss for whatever reason, maybe because she's his favorite, is letting her use PTO hours she doesn't even have, and still gives her preferred scheduling on the days she does work over employees who work harder. we all found out recently she's just using her time off to just spend time with her boyfriend. we've been understaffed as hell the last few weeks due to payroll cuts, while she's barely been at work at all the past two months.

not really going to do anything about it, but kind of pissed we've been struggling for weeks to get shit done while she's been getting paid with unearned time off to hang out with her boyfriend this entire time.

I love my boyfriend's family and friends. They're all good quality people and reflect him as a person. Met another friend today for the first time and he was immediately charming and nice. Also his brother made sure my little doggie drinks water. Absolutely kino I am just in shock that I rolled so well

I'll never be man enough for a woman

I hate having to take tests where my answers guarantee my application will be tossed out by an AI before an employer even sees it.

>>33514264
It's not JUST their bodies I want to grow old and die with a woman but they don't exist. Though also I wouldn't mind that with men I even expect that out of my friends I deem close.

>>33515598
what was so special about her?

Time has significantly sped up since 2/22/2022.
And it's only going to get stranger as the economy goes into full meltdown, housing pops, food becomes less stable, more accidents, violence, homicides, suicides, and anger from society.
It's all culminating into a major event to take place in ~2025.
I am almost certain elements of the future are trying to stop this from happening but they can't stop it.
All you can do is brace your anus for the ride.

>>33516566
It's two parts
One, I've just massively self-improved and this is the first real connection I've had, so no matter what it's going to be hard to get over the first one
Two, she was basically the image of perfection I always had that felt unattainable until she came along and liked me. Incredibly aligned on niche hobbies and formative experiences. Insanely gorgeous. Smart, witty, funny, passionate, understanding. Saw all my strengths and flaws and liked the whole me. First person I've really showed all of myself to. Felt like a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. But I gotta stop telling myself that and reframe it as just the first, they don't have to be exactly like her. But to stop wanting her in order to go find them is a hell of a challenge right now

>>33516689
if you liked her so much why the fuck didn’t you wife her up or something? what happened?

>>33516689
I have someone I feel this way about, it certainly is difficult to navigate. I do believe we will end up together somehow if it was meant to be, though that may just be wishful thinking. That thought still brings me peace some days and I do hope they are doing well, regardless of the outcome.
I hope you can manage your situation as well, make moves if called to.

I really REALLY wanna kill myself tonight. I am so desperate for a way out. I don't want this existence, this pain, any longer. Please make it stop.

>>33517276
Don't do it.

being old kinda rocks if you organize your life

>>33517288
cool dubs but I am disabled and live with my abusive parents who ruined my life
dubs can't fix that. i have nothing and no one to live for. it is too late for me

I fucked up bad last night drunk texting my friend running my stupid fucking mouth, I apologized so many times for what I said and made several gestures of good faith and we basically made up and are cool again but I can tell he’s still bothered by what I said and feels like I broke his trust. I want this guilt to go away and I want him to forgive me but I know I can’t force forgiveness out of others

There's something really fucking repugnant about the way labor value works in society. Seems like the more competent and capable you are, the less likely it is you're going to get paid to sit on your ass and backbite all day.

You can go rogue and start your own business, but that's like saying, "oh, there's a problem with society, but if I don't like it, I can just go live in the fucking woods!" I feel like I should have a professional environment that I want to devote myself to, but it's just not there in America. My wife works for the state, and even at her place, the first thing they start looking at for cuts is the fucking health insurance.

My current delivery/installation job sucks, because even harder than maintaining a steady crew that lasts for more than a year is watching the complete joke that the salesfloor is. A 400 lbs black man who smells like shit and a couple of ugly/mean boomers. They're just "so good" at sales they get to sit there in the AC and break any corporate rule they feel like when there's a customer service issue (forcing us to do things we're not supposed to), all the while they literally dropped the store's numbers almost by half by driving out their best salesperson because he was a young Asian guy who was never going to be one of them (he has a much better-paying job now).

The idea of trying to rehab a structure like this is fucking daunting, but it's not like it's any different anywhere I've been. I've always wanted to try bartending, but I don't know how long of a haul it'll be to make it into something I can support a family with. It's not like I've got a great set of tits to help.

>>33517402
You'll quit thinking about it after a few years and if they want to hold onto it more than they want to be friends there's nothing you can do.

Holy shit do actual children use this site? There's this frogposter who keeps on using "nigga" and "lil bro" and "lil nigga."

>>33517427
That’s true, I think what’s arguably worse is his situationship went through his texts and saw what I said and it involved her and now she’s pissed at me too which sucks because she’s been nothing but good to me the entire time I’ve known her. It was a total off-handed dickhead remark that was meant partially in jest and partially to piss off my friend and I shouldn’t have said it at all, and now I’m scared to go back out downtown with my friends because I really do not want to bump into her again anytime soon

>be me
>desperate for porn
>browse on /trash/ and /gif/
>decide to fap to whatever is fappable there
>found a cuck thread
>ffw to now
>6'2, 180 lbs, broad shouldered, deep voice, work out a lot
>still into cuck porn
It's over.

GOONING IS RUINING MY LIFE YET I CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT IT

>>33517463
If someone he isn't even with went through his texts thats a massive red flag. Still all you can do is wait things out since you already did your best at peace making. If they want to make a thing out of it there's literally nothing you can do. And frankly if they do they where probably going to do it about something else down the road so its your choice how long youre willing to walk on eggshells.

That post wasn’t ever meant to be relayed back to k. I wasn’t receiving the response I was hoping for regarding “someone” else and they were just on my mind at the time. It helps to reflect on someone from the past who seemed to care when I feel unlovable. Wasn’t expected.

>>33517416
What did they say about the asian guys personality?

>>33517503
That’s fair I just feel like shit over it and I should also mention the friend in question is my direct supervisor at work also, I mean I gave him a ride home today and he asked if I wanted to play bass guitar in his band so like it’s not a huge deal but still I can tell I hurt him and it feels like shit

I don’t even think the two of them should be together at all, it’s the most chaotic dysfunctional on-again/off-again dynamic I’ve ever witnessed. I guess they fucked again last night after I bumped into her downtown and I told her he wouldn’t come out with me and she ended up hitting him up, before they fucked however they went to a different bar and my friend ignored my text messages asking which bar they were at which pissed me off and I was extremely wasted at the time so I basically told him “alright man you’re welcome for me getting you laid and you’re welcome for me not stealing her from you because she was all up in my shit all night” and like I didn’t mean anything by it really because I would never betray him like that and frankly the idea of being Eskimo brothers with him is repulsive to me but yeah

I guess sometimes you have to keep repeating mistakes to recognize when it’s a pattern and figure out how to break that pattern, like you said nothing I can really do about it other than just be nice and act normal going forward, but yeah. Thanks for listening to my struggles

>>33517513
I've already said too much, but it's been bugging me for a long time.
They said he didn't tell them "good job" when they had a better week than him. Complained that he was petulant if he had a bad week.
I'm not going to lie, a salesperson probably should be. I'm more concerned by the passivity of their mindsets.

I made a post about how bad my oneitis was for me, I was able to see it after she stopped talking to me out of nowhere. As soon as I made the post, she texted me (despite the post being in a random account). We talked about some stuff and then she deleted her account out of nowhere.
Why are people like this? Now I'm full of anger and sadness.

i can hear and speak japanese now; i just dont know a lot of words or kanji yet

>>33517630
I need to learn Japanese so I can read Tide by Koji Suzuki, it was published in 2013 and still hasn’t been translated and it’s the only Ring book that hasn’t been translated yet and apparently it’s about one of the characters in S

>>33517477
Not as embarassing as cuckoldry but in a similar boat with hyper growth stuff on /d/. I'll have a normal life and normal desires until suddenly flashbacks of fetish porn of giant pounds of muscle or even futa and I just spiral into madness. Sometimes fucks with my self-esteem even though it shouldn't.

>>33517672
Damn, the hypergrowth fat and muscle stuff always freaked me out to be honest. Sometimes the guys dick would be so grotesquely muscular, ugh it gives me shivers.

>>33517598
Fill the replacement in on how the bulk of the crew like to work so there's no confusion next time

I keep going back and forth between if it was real or not
In one sense it wasn't really, since it was all online and we never met up, so there was always an element of fantasy and separation to the things we talked and yearned about
But in the other sense we did actually know each other, sent vids and pics and spoke constantly. Talked about the dates we wanted to take each other on and what we'd show each other in our cities, the ways we wanted to be together and what we'd do with each other if we got to be together. I was waiting for a moment that felt right to offer to fly out but it never came. That's as real as I've ever had but there's still that disconnect of distance. And it's the most I've ever had. So it's confusing. And now she's gone for confusing reasons. I feel insane lately. I guess distance made it so I was comfortable enough with that barrier to connect with someone like this for the first time. But now I don't know how to go back to not having someone close to talk to every day, it's driving me crazy. So now I need to learn how to do it irl because I don't want to do the long distance half measure shit again. And that's a big step for me. Being an autistic anxious mess of a person delayed in social development is some fucked up shit, man. My life is kind of a joke. Would've been easier to keep going if I never knew the feeling of having someone care about you on the vulnerable shit and day-to-day shit even if from across the country. Going back to protective solitude is suffocating now when it used to be so easy

>>33517683
It was a clothes ripping fetish turned terribly wrong. Sometimes I'll catch myself browsing it for no apparent reason and my desires for the opposite sex shatters. They stop looking like humans most of the time.

I used to be a PTSD addled desperado tough enough to break my leg, not know, and run 5ks on it and make people worried I was about to rob them with a casual glance. Now I go to the opera, listen to symphonies while I write research reports, bullshit about wine, and mix in other languages when they feel like they have more appropriate words. Am I really the same guy?

>>33517732
ah I like clothes ripping a lot, it's so primitive and brutish anon

>>33517637
maybe i can translate it for you as practice in a year or two

i can also kinda read sheet music now and am getting impressive to my self at piano

>>33517748
Yeah I also hate skintight clothes and women wear that nowadays constantly so it was kind of therapeutic. Unfortunately the Japanese aren't really into consentual stuff so you aren't able to find it outside of growth stuff in hentai. If I could there wouldn't be this issue.

>>33517750
Would be goated
I briefly toyed with the idea of crowdfunding a translation of it but idk if there’s enough interest in such a thing for it to be feasible

>>33517759
damn, I see where it all went wrong. It's kind of funny how you can start unintentionally picking up fetishes. When I was younger I used to fap using my pajama clothes and now I can't cum without em. Terrible habit, really. I've been trying to unlearn that by stroking with just my hands more often but I get these pretty nasty burns on my dick.

>>33517767
88,000 words huh? I'll translate 100, multiply by 880, and consider how long it will take. You might be able to use AI if you buy a digital copy though.

>>33517771
I don't take off my pants because I don't want cum everywhere. Ironic given my fetish but I definitely can't have a shirt on.

it is star trek cloud cruiser
not any of it has ever had sit through ZE VOICES

>>33517684
Doesn't really fix the issue, does it? We're all commission. This all affects our pay, but that's secondary to comfort and stasis.
It's so sad and depressing, like a lot of things in America. A Great Depression of the soul.

>>33517783
lmao I just cum in my hand brother

>>33517771
Silk or flannel? I am building an image in my head

>>33517811
polyester

i turn 21 in a couple months and i can’t wait to become an alcoholic

>>33517818
I switched to cotton for health reasons. For my fetish though it's basically cotton or any sort of artificial fabric being torn off that does it.

>>33517841
oh yeah, I like it when she's getting fucked THROUGH her ripped clothes, it's as if she's so caught in being in heat that she didn't even have time to take everything off yet

>>33517846
Yeah being so obsessed that she rip off her clothes was what got me into it. Especially if it's an expensive dress or something fancy. Too bad this is really hard to find.

>>33517856
I found some porn of gym girls getting their leggings ripped open, that could maybe help sate you lol

>>33517862
I only get off to hentai so I don't become a sex freak in public. It caused me to get into some fucked up shit but prevents me from getting trapped from the whores who are wearing clothes that conceal just about nothing.

I'm scared that I'm somehow deluding myself into thinking I was groomed. I can't even be sure about it and it's killing me.

>>33517867
ah, good restraint anon, there's probably a bunch of that stuff on r34 desu
>>33517872
elaborate

>>33517877
tearing_clothes at least gets you very little. Maybe I need to be better with my tag searching.

>>33517882
try torn_clothes, it has over 150k tags

>>33517898
I'll try again next time I can't control my horniness. I'm trying to quit it entirely or at least try to use my imagination but in the past it's mostly clothes being forcibly torn not a woman doing it herself ignoring growth.

>>33517872
You were groomed if they moved on to the next person and groomed the next one after

>>33517877
Was 12 when I first met him, but I was anonymous and never directly stated my age. He was 17, going on 18 shortly before I cut him off at 13 (he constantly got into arguments and drama and I grew sick of it). Our convos would get a little tmi honestly. We'd talk about sexual topics sometimes and he'd even send me a hentai doujinshi once. It got to the point where I started drawing and posting suggestive art because of it. Again I never told him my age but I suspected he knew I was young: said I reminded him of his younger self, Id vent to him about my home issues and convos with my school counselor, and once when I was ranting about a classmate he made some off comment about 13 year Olds and being dramatic or whatever, referring to my classmate. I never exchanged pictures, but it's so ambiguous I can't really be sure. Not until I maybe recall memories like I did recently.

damn it how do I link to a board

>>33517960
>>>/f/
>>>/a/
>>>/g/
>>>/g/
>>>/o/
>>>/t/

>>33517915
I can't be arsed to try and expose or report him because I don't want to see anything from that time period in my life, but I'd be so fucking pissed if he pulls this shit with other victims. Fuck him

I am a fucking prisoner.

>>33518115
I'm not free, myself. I know how that feels.

>>33515408
I don't know if it is. I know nothing about his life now and it just feels wrong.

>>33515473
I don't feel like that's my call.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfnCAmr569k

i just masturbated for 2 and a half hours

how bad of a sign is it that my therapist agrees that i've been doing a lot worse ever since my suicide plan was thwarted? (they fenced in the bridge i was planning to jump off)

i feel much more afraid and trapped and unwilling to do anything with my life because i don't have the backup plan in my head.

Why do I miss her? We knew each other for less than a week. It's probably because I genuinely have no one to talk to. But I could tell if I talked to her any longer my schizo paranoia would come out and I'd hurt her. So I told her I couldn't be her friend. And of course I regret it, I'm lonely. I know she'll never attempt to reach out because she is afraid of confrontation. I didn't even know her well. She thinks I abandoned her when I just pushed her away before she could abandon me.

It's better for everyone when I'm alone but I also can't handle being alone at all. I am terrified of being alone so I'm just constantly feeling things crawling in my skin and I want to scream but no one will hear me. I hate being awake. I'm too tired to do anything. No one to talk to. No reason to be awake. I hate being alive.

>>33512838 (OP)
i dont understand why i am still alive. i know i have made up my mind, twice already, and i have my appointed date with death. all is good in that regard, but i wonder why splurging what i dont have, until then. there is nothing worth living for me. i will never have my place, or family, and never had it to begin with. nothing to give or take. and i feel the drive of life all around me, their hunger and thrust for more. and i just stay around and ask, what for, i dont feel love anymore. i never felt it and i dont think they let me feel it. it just isnt.

>>33518535
okay no need to brag

>>33518809
You have depression man you need to talk with a therapist and work this out.

I'm so lonely and ugly

>>33518812
shut up, kid. ive been there and not going back.

>>33518836
Same. I hate myself.

When you check your heart rate, do you count both pumps? woke up in the middle of the night and my heart rate is 32-28 bpm and the thought is keeping me up

>>33518846
32-38 bpm*

>>33512838 (OP)
Spoke to my Grandad for the first time in years and it's the strangest feeling came over me.
It's like I could feel this wave of mental illness coming out of the speakers, just a complete disconnect from reality, a wave of panic, a wave of pity.
He spoke poorly of my brother who has basically been taught helplessness and currently has nothing to look forward or wake up to, whilst praising my other brother whom I took under my wing explicitly because they were letting him rot.

I think it's why I must have wanted to break up with my girlfriend, her family were just as much the same, learnt helplessness, pity, could barely help themselves.
I'm no Saint, but I must continue to be a good man, for myself, for God. I will fight, I must fight and I will win

>>33518892
Bless you anon

>>33518895
God bless you too Anon, pray for me, the road forward is difficult but I will do it.
I love life too much to give up, there will be plenty of time to rest when I am dead, until then I must fight

let it wash over you

I don't leave my room in the summer. Don't want to see happy couples and girls in skimpy dresses.

Going out in 2025 is a humiliation ritual and I'm skipping that shit, let some other losers get dabbed on.

It's another one of those existential Sundays where I question every inch of my self worth and ask myself that age old question "If all good things come to an end sooner rather than later, what's the point of even pursuing good things to begin with?". Things are rarely better 24 hours later. Oh jeez, that's a bummer.

>>33512838 (OP)
>Be me, tranny
>Spent a long time trying to pretend to be a guy because that's what society demanded from me
>The entire time, obsessively shave my face raw and red every morning to get every last hair shaven as clean as human possible
>First hint of gender dysphoria as a child was a deep disgust when I saw a peach fuzz mustache growing in a family portrait
Whenever I hear about how many guys intentionally grow and keep a beard because it makes them more attractive, and how many women FREAK OUT when their guy goes clean shaven, it's just crazy to me. The idea that anyone would want those nasty ass pubes on their face is crazy to me.

Never in my life. I would be so depressed and would not want to be seen by anyone if I had a whole ass fucking beard. It's not something I ever experienced even when i was trying to be a guy that shit got DELETED every single day. Task 1 of every morning. Hell no.

>>33519409
I get it. I'm closet "transmasc" for lack of a better term and I don't want facial hair either, nor do I really get the appeal for partners of anything more than maybe stubble. There's also hygiene concerns....how clean are they keeping it etc etc

>>33519409
Beards are only good when you're trying to look experienced and are able to maintain it. Sorry nobody told you this before you trooned out.

thinking cookies and tea

i feel like im not mentally ill as much anymore. darn. i was kinda hoping feeling normal meant mania all the time.

Two months ago I decided to end my 7 year affair. There was no more reciprocity between us and I felt alone in that relation. She didn't even try to talk or to stop it from happening and instead she got mad and stop to talk with me. Now we do not talk anymore.
I really miss her, but perhaps it is for the best.

I really wish I was the sort of guy who could base their entire personality on a single fictional character, like those fags that spam Guts even though they haven't even read Berserk. Somehow they come across like they have their shit together much more than I do, finding deep life-changing meaning from Nintendo or Vagabond or something. It's cringeworthy but kind of sweet at the same time. X saved me, X changed my life, 10+ motivational hour music on loop, that kind of thing. Meanwhile I'm here waging, living off the good will of others, and generally feeling no hope for the future as I hurtle towards thirty.

>>33519808
Reach out and see if she wants to have lunch or coffee, it could strengthen your friendship or at least heal the bond that was broken. After that long, I feel she definately will still have feelings for you.

wow we are legends literally
actually what the opening theme of Clide Sign Sonic Adventure new hallucinated sonic show on dream tv 1 which means sega gets credit for it and all teams is alive rocks have steam trains

>>33519909
Wow…

I had been working for 8 months on a manga that I think is fucking shit.
I give up on it.
I had fun making it tho, but I wish it was something that could be published. On it's current state I don't dare to do it. It's an amateur project after all, but I don't know, I expected more of myshelf.

I often see people on /adv/ talking about getting into jobfields that I know are not going to go well for them, as they are basically dying industries. I say nothing.

I myself work in a great job field that is booming and will have lots of growth for likely several decades, but I don't tell people to join. In fact, I often try to steer people clear of my job and bitch about how much it sucks and isn't worth it and doesn't pay enough, etc. I do this to exacerbate labor shortages and increase pay.

My only worry is that in a couple of years I am going to open my own company in this industry and I might end up having to pay the inflated wages I am currently trying to cause.

>>33520002
Crab in a bucket.

>>33520002
telling a couple retards here that where you work at is cool isn't going to change anything anon, on this site your actions are almost entirely worthless, stop thinking that you're special

>>33520018
No it's not. It's kinda left hand path proto-eldritch tho.

I should have taken off my helmet, opened the umbrella and hugged you tight when I saw you. I really missed you a lot but I blocked myself emotionally. It seems I proved otherwise. I really don't know if I'm a good guy for you, I don't know if I really want to be. The current situation is causing me a lot of mental clouds. I'm truly sorry.

>>33520040
I'm telling them NOT to enter my field, not telling them that it is cool. Also I tell people on yt, twitter, tiktok, and IRL the same. I think I have swayed a few dozen people to not enter my field so far. Some people have told me they were going to enter my field until they heard from me and decided to pursue something else instead. Hell yeah.

>>33520018
Not my fault retards go into clearly massively shrinking industries without doing research and spend 100k+ on a degree that will not help them.

>>33520182
a dozen people joining or not joining your field with make an absolutely net zero difference to you

>>33520192
A dozen people not joining, then they all make a few not join, plus several dozen more might potentially dissuade other people in their life from entering the field, and then all of those people will tell a few people. It is a cascade effect. My industry is already understaffed, I am trying to further this because it directly increases wages. I have seen it firsthand.

>>33520221
slippery slope fallacy

>>33520229
It isn't a fallacy, you weiner. It is how rumors and urban legends proliferate. For most of human history it was the primary way of news travelling and knowledge spreading. You showed your intellect's ass with that absolute low IQ response. Holy shit even I'm embarassed by you. Now everyone can see you have no idea what you are talking about and have no idea what you're talking about. Imagine thinking word-of-mouth information dissemination is an example of the "slippery slope fallacy". ROFL

>>33520260
Basically you’re a nigger and want praise for being a nigger.

>>33520286
No, I wanted to "get it off my chest". Hence my presence in this thread. Nice projection, though. You have really low self-esteem and I kek heartily at it.

>>33520304
Not that same person, just funny to see how you act like you’re some superior specimen while needing to anonymously dump what you’re doing because you know it’s wrong. You don’t see me “getting it off my chest” about how I volunteer with my church. Jesus saves.

>>33520260
dude, you telling a bunch of randos on the internet to not go into your job field isn't going to make a noticable difference

>>33520314
*noticeable

>>33520306
How is it wrong? I don't even lie to people, all the criticisms of my industry are legitimate. Telling the truth isn't morally wrong just because it benefits me. And not trying to talk every retard out of getting a worthless degree isn't wrong either. I wasn't acting superior until he started attacking me for getting something off my chest. I felt a little bad only because I just saw a thread where some anon's plan for improving his life was to go to uni for programming, then stacking fat bands to entice a woman with his wealth. Poor bastard doesn't realize that that plan has been doomed for years. He'd be better off becoming a cobbler and carving out a spot in that niche market.

I wish I had the comic about the 2 nerdy guys going to engineering school coping with "girls aren't into us now, but when we graduate and make good money, they'll come running!" all the while their future wives are being massive whores fucking the world and then when they marry the nerds they don't want to fuck anymore.

>>33520335
I’m getting mixed messages here bro. I know that programming is a meme, so you were just trolling that other guy for shits and giggles?

GOD
Give me an obsessive cute FAT cute FAT kind FAT smart fun thoughtful FAT weirdo who wants to play vidya with me and hear my autistic ass yap about stupid shit that dont matter FATASS FATTY FAT FAT gf who loves me more than anything

>>33520371
*jumps up and down*
I am right hereeeee

>>33520354
No, he decided to seethe and insult me, so I simply returned it back to him. When I merely got something off my chest, not aimed at any particular person, didn't insult anyone, and then 2 morons start attacking me, of course I will reciprocate the hostility. Especially when they were so obviously intellectually feeble with delicate egos.

>>33520380
SIT ON MY MOTHERFUCKING FACE

>>33520383
Yeah, that is fair. However, my rebuttal is thus: your attitude implies that you were getting an ego boost about being the guy who gatekeeps people. Of course that will trigger people.

>>33520393
I enjoy having a plan to moderately increase wage sover time. Let me tell you a true story. Because I live close to the southern border, there are lots of illegal aliens in pretty much every field. As soon as Trump got back in office, wages shot up in my location. Companies started hiring for far more money, and in an effort to retain employees, my company immediately gave every single employee in the company a $15,000 raise. Just like that. Labor scarcity translates directly into better wages. Labor surpluses directly undercut and lower wages. That's why legal immigration is ultimately just as harmful as illegal immigration.

>>33520388
it me
https://open.spotify.com/track/1Sdf8Z17iHkcJGX2H5q6df?si=cgKtAmYAT2KfVQ781kle-Q&context=spotify%3Aartist%3A5FF8xJSW4qUVU8bk79KYLT

>>33517931
fucking attention whore, I am

>come back to my town
>my gay instincts are back
what do I mean by this? I just saw a titty goodess this morning

WHY?! WHY DID YOU REMOVE THE TAPE?! IT HASN'T BEEN AN ISSUE ONCE! INSTEAD OF COMING TO THE OBVIOUS CONCLUSION THAT HAIR COVERING THE STRAINER'S HOLES THAT IS THE ISSUE, YOU WENT FOR THE TAPE--YOU KNOW THE THING SECURING THE DAMNED THING AND STOPPING HAIR FROM GOING DOWN THE DRAIN! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS REACH INTO THE WATER, REMOVE THE HAIR, AND IT WOULD'VE WORKED! DID YOU SERIOUS;Y NOT STOP TO THINK FOR FIVE SECONDS AND SAY, "GEE, I WONDER WHY THE TAPE IS HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? I left note explaining the tape's purpose. I know I have to let things like this go but I'm going to lose it if it happens a third time.

>>33513027
You are a check mark. If some cave dwellers did not hookup, you would not be here. You are how your ancestors live forever and it was their choice more so than yours. Still, you get to take the wheel.

>>33520577
Women

>>33520371
why do you want her to be fat?

>>33520630
Probably so her value is low enough that he thinks she won't be able to easily leave him.

>>33520630
better for snuggles

I like this girl a lot. I just wish I didn’t have the anxiety with it. Exciting nonetheless.

I spent $10, 2.5% of my net worth at this time, to get a pair of loud and scratchy speakers at Goodwill to blast Asmongold's streams to drive out my black roommate (because he snores,not because he is black).
I still wear my noise cancelling earbuds so i don't have to hear it... but he does.I do not feel good about this, but I am not willing to stop doing it. I need to sleep. Begone Snorelax. (He is overweight).

>>33519923
I decided not to be a pussy, finish it and publish it regardless. It's important to put things out there even if it's not as neatly produced as I'd like.

>>33512838 (OP)
I really want to join the airforce but there's so much random shit that might disqualify me
>born with 1 kidney
>sh scars on wrist
>might have medically documented suicidal ideation
idk what I'm supposed to do, I'm above average in both fitness and iq

Using as something of a QTDDTOT

Why do I feel at odds with my very being, my very self, and how do i deal with this problem?

*big inhale*

>Everybody else seems to have it
together, meanwhile I'm still just a fucking loser.
>Every other animal on the planet can get laid and it seems easy for everyone else but I seem to just fuck it up
>Everything I touch turns to shit
>Nobody likes to be around me
>People like to hate on me
>Nobody wants me around it seems
>I can't commit sui because then I'd just fuck everything up
>I simultaneously am ready for death and not ready for it
>Everyone gets annoyed with me

*Big exhale*

>>33521339
Ironically, because you feel the need to have an answer to everything.

>>33521508
I don't know, I'm not sure about that.

Anybody who says there isn't inflation in the dating market is downright delusional.

I was cleaning my bathroom, listening to Avril Lavigne's "Stop Standing There" when the thought popped into my head that I would do anything to marry a female version of myself. I looked in the mirror a few times to look at my face, and saw that it was considerably cute to quite an intense degree infact, even with prior smoking habits having depleted my collagen a bit.

>5'6
>cute face, collagen depleted though
>stacks thousands of dollars into stocks every month
>take care of my mom by sending her thousands of dollars a month as well
>fulfill obligations, even when they're "unfair"
>act as a therapist to my close friends, and my mom
>yapper, i talk a lot, my primary hobby is socializing and conceptualizing stuff, etc
>hard worker
>decent fitness
>people ive known have stated id make a great father
>people ive known have also stated that anybody can tell i dont have a mean bone in my body. hence why i get away with my yapping because anybody can see i only ever have good intentions. have also stated id likely never tell anybody anything mean or vicious
>people ive known have also stated im very carefree
>people ive known have always stated im pretty funny
>people ive known have stated im a good person
>generally speaking the vast majority of people like me

I can often get my foot in the door, but it's always an uphill battle, and unless the stars align perfectly (the girl is free soon after i ask her out, or things like that) things won't progress, my assumption is it owing to being below average height coupled with some collagen depletion on my face.

>>33521595
Just try with what you got.

>>33521620
My hypothesis is the dating market inflation basically just boils down to social media and dating apps. It's not because of 'women's rights' or other far-right stuff spouted here, like them entering the workforce, otherwise generations from 1960 to 2000 would've had dating inflation. Women historically have yes, always opted for the best partner they can choose, which is a good thing. The thing is though now, with all of us being interconnected, the best partner you can choose isn't one within your circle - it's often an entire city. And there's only a limited supply of the absolute top tier men, hence the situationship issue.

Online friend I made cut everyone off seemingly and I'm really worried of what she's going to do. I really hope she's alright.

i am null

>>33521668
>she
its attention seeking, just ignore her

Do we only exist to make other beings feel better about their existence?

>>33521668
How long ago did she stop talking to everyone?

>>33521778
I find I make people feel better about themselves by them being "superior " to me.

Damn

>>33520547
Continuing, kids and teens really need to be taught that they aren't immune to being groomed, so they won't learn the hard way. My ass was not playing the system or whatever lol.

>>33521808
Today

I'm one of those people that should have had a sudden heart attack and died at 17. I really wish I wasn't around.

Life is a really odd game where the only winning move is to quit.

>>33521908
Oh okay, I thought you might have been referring to my wife, who also did this with her online friends recently. But since you are not I have no insights to offer, sorry

We prolly in Hell already, our dumbasses not knowin'
Everybody kissin' ass to go to Heaven ain't goin'
Put my soul on it, I'm fightin' devil niggas daily
And the media be crucifying brothers severely

I can't believe I ate the whole pack of cookies and fell asleep all day. Darniit.

>>33512838 (OP)
GRGGGGGGGGGGARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I need to get a better job, I hate this shit bros. People treat me like less than human and I work so hard for so little. It's been good motivation to actually level up and get some skills though. Hopefully not too much longer...

>>33522729
whats ur job?

>>33522778
So I actually have two jobs. One is easy as fuck and pays a bit better, the other one is at a furniture store and I move heavy ass shit around all day for like a dollar and change above minimum wage. I'm getting some certs now in my spare time...

it's hard to get back to life not having a romantic partner anymore. i haven't broken up with him yet but after we argued it's like things will never be the same as before and it sucks. i want to fix it but i can't ignore certain things that disturb me and sometimes i'm certain i'm just clinging to an image of him that is not true and that keeping him around is just coping, but on the other side i feel like i still truly love him and want him around. i wish things didn't go this way so bad. i feel like i'm too good to give him another chance but god i don't think i can't take not having him anymore. he was my best friend.

>>33522859
Why not forgive him if you really love him? Do you know how he feels? Does he want your forgiveness and to make things good again?

I want to find and wear the coat I was assaulted in.

>>33520492
Aww anons found love

You know what? I'm actually very satisfied with my life rn and I have big hopes for the future. I don't feel like being depressed or angry anymore.

Hard times are ahead but I know I'll win.

The real reason why before my grandmother died why she was short with me had nothing to do with me, but that she was in an excruiating amount of pain.

He made me gay and then he recloseted and ghosted
That's not fucking fair I would've accepted myself and come out for him
I've already come out to some people because of him
I can't get over him but I have to now
Fuck queer shit, it's weird and confusing

Why I wish I was short:

BMX
Snowboarding
Skateboarding

>>33523242
Are those easier if you are short? I'm 5'5 and I want to do BMX and Snowboarding

The best I can do is trust that Maria does love me and that she's coming home to me. I will win

>namefagging/tripping itt
Weirdos

>>33523506
they seriously ruin these threads too
its a form of narcissism for them to feel the need to make themselves stand out even on an anonymous board

Someone fucking punked me at work and I'm having trouble finding ways to get payback without going overboard but also severe enough to really leave a fucking mark

>>33522859
Conflict in relationships are inevitable, and sometimes serious conflict occurs. There is no magical "the one" who will fall into your lap at a moment's notice. All relationships require compromise and working out problems, and building back stronger from problems. You can leave or stay but this is a reality of all relationships, and most relationships end when something workable is seen as no longer worth the effort.

I wish I had someone who supports me and gives me the words of encouragement I need. When I'm in a social setting I just want someone to come to me and tell me "I think you look good". I need a girlfriend.
I feel so lonely and I'm tired of pretending that's okay, am I that ugly? I know I shouldn't think this way but it's been so unbearable these past days, my anxiety is out of the roof, I have a stomachache and nausea and I can't really eat.
I'm dying alone, I'm crying
Please try not getting where I am, talk to people and spend time with them, don't develop any weird mental illnesses like I did, seek professional help and be normal

THIS SHIT SUCKS, HELP

>Grew up with rich parents
>Have house in Santa Monica
>Chilled at the beach all day
>Parents happily paid for everything
>They even build me my own apartment
>Turn 25 and have this odd realization
>"I should be living and making it on my own"
>Talk to parents about it and tell them I want to be on my own
>Use all the money I save up to get an apartment
>Have to rent an apartment with 3 other friends
>Find fun job working at beach store
>It barely covers rent and other bills
>Working 6 days a week and can barely survive
>Love my job but it has shit pay

This...fucking sucks ass dudes, I left my comfy rent free apartment to live with a bunch of other dudes and barely make ends meat

Would I be a piece of shit to just move back in with my parents and have them pay for everything?

Or would you do the same?

If this niggerfaggot breathes one more fucking word about my character I’m going to kill somebody
I don’t mind the rules lawyering BUT I LITERALLY WROTE HIS BACKSTORY FOR ANYONE TO SEE I’m gonna wring his fucking chicken neck

>if they’re not my friends (or properly devoted enemies) I can actually just ignore their opinions entirely
Why did I forget such a simple fact of the universe. I’m so fucking image focused I hate it.

>>33523648
>Would I be a piece of shit to just move back in with my parents and have them pay for everything?
I don't think it's morally bad (if your parents agree it's a good thing) but you will never be independent and live in the real world if you keep asking your parents to pay for your things.

If I was in your position I would have at least kept the apartment, as having housing at a young age is always a major advantage that most people can only dream of.
Can I ask if you have a degree or other marketable skills?

>>33517747
Cringe

I don’t know when I’m being tested or not. If u told me that happened then I would believe u and hope that I could hug all of your pain away. Even if u had lied about it due to regret that still wouldn’t change how I feel. I hope that u have been happy lately.

>>33523648
>Free ride
>Expensive lifestyle
>Parents are fine paying for it

>biggest economic recession in history
>100+k incomes barely able to float.

>Get delusions of grandure
>MaKe It On My OwN!
>no easing or training
>dive headfirst into deepend
>oops, no water

>regret

All you did was prove rich people are lucky, not smart.

>>33523648
I think you did good and depending on your personality you would never give up but I'll be honest I like that I only depend on myself and that my income is good yadayada but if I tomorrow I won the lottery I'd stop being a full-time wagie in a heartbeat.

>>33523559
>When I'm in a social setting I just want someone to come to me and tell me "I think you look good". I need a girlfriend.

That's not what girlfriends do.
If you want that reassurance, You want to BE a girlfriend.

Why am I horny 24/7??
It's starting to get really annoying

>>33523524
Fart on them

>>33523232
Lel, maybe he's afraid of being himself, that he has emotional/mental issues.

>>33523559
I don't recall posting this.
>tfw

>>33523559
>>33523997
Same but
>I wish I could have a bf
Tfw

The game is over, as I am fond of saying.

The jews won. They are in control of the Pikes Peak batholith and the multi-trillion-dollar granite tunnel system — a highly symbolic 40 miles west of Denver, Colorado in the Front Range. But they are in control of much more than the end-time survival apparatus. They control not only the military and government of the United States of America but through the power of major corporations and the corruptibility of businessmen and government officials, fiat currency manipulation by the WiΩards of Fiat Currency at the Federal Reserve System, a small army of propagandists and "hackers" (this is a technically incorrect use of the term) who are fighting to maintain control of the Frankenstein monster they created called the Internet (in a war I fear they are going to lose), and even the Republican form of government they created which inevitably—and I would argue by design—fosters centralized control and assures only a handful of "elected" officials must be compromised to control an entire country, they control the entire Western world.

>>33520630
because i think fat is horse
>>33520661
no go fuck yourself fat girls are hot

My life is so irrevocably fucked. I'm 32, 33 in October, and I have nothing going on for me. I work a shit menial wage job, I was diagnosed diabetic last week, and my car broke down yesterday. I don't know what to do or even where to begin to fix my shit. On a more positive note I've been going to the gym six days a week for like 4 months now and I've lost a ton of weight, seeing good definition in my legs, arms, shoulders and feel healthier. But that doesn't fix the rest of my fucked up life. How do i get myself out of this hole? no jobs worth noting are hiring and I can't even get an email back from what I do apply to.

Everyone's talking about what amazing people they're meeting and great friends they're making in this community, and you know who wants to be my friend? An edgelord who's straight but loves yaoi, describes his wardrobe as "school shooter chic" and thinks self-harm and eating disorders are sexy. Why am I always stuck with the fucking freaks?

I'm a bit of a sperg at the best of times. Had a bit of a breakdown recently due to life in general beating the crap out of me and my family. Spergged out hard, kept saying crazy shit at random intervals, getting massively embarrassed and depressed for embarrassing myself, then repeating the process.

Finally, I stopped and tried to explain that feeling. That I kept saying things I knew I wouldn't feel in a good 10 minutes, that it was embarrassing and lingering and I was worried I was hurting the way other see me. Girl I know told me it was okay, that I wasn't thinking straight, and I was exhausted and just needed time to re-adjust.

My mind has been quieter, and its almost like I got an injection of various chemicals my body has been missing, because I've been looking at the world a lot differently since then. A lot more positively.

>every project I release gets great reception
>wonder if I could sustain myself with just my passion projects
>no time to work on anything because of wage slavery
>dad says working builds character, a dollar is a dollar, and to pull myself up by a handshake and give a firm bootstrap

Just worked a 10 hour shift with no breaks
Just went straight to bed and now I need to go to work again
Rent is impossible
AI will probably destroy whatever potential I had
This just feels like a sick joke from a demented god

the company i work for is doing pretty badly financially
hope im not the first to let go (im just an apprentice...)

You would be surprised at what people don't know.

You would be surprised at what they don't do.

You think someone's a retard and they think the same about you lol

>>33524140
>>33524134
>>33524124
True

My sister introduced me to one of her friends and she is so fucking sexy and classy and lucid and easy to talk to and fun to be around. Whenever I see her it's like the atmosphere changes, the air becomes a little bit sweeter, colors seem more beautiful. I think I like her and I like the feeling but that is enough. I won't pursue it.

>>33512838 (OP)
God doesn't love me, showed me false ends and made me fat, broke and ugly, have strict parents who are forcing me to go to a jackass college I don't wanna go to, fuck my life.
>Hope I get a peaceful death very very soon

>>33523648
My folks are rich, I joined the Marines, then went to the oil and gas industry. They will have more respect for you if you keep the the current track. My older brother is dead from drugs because it was always life is too easy, my younger sisters are whores, with fake degrees and will always be on the dole. Parents are in their 70s, and are leaving me everything, I don’t want it, but my kids can use it. Truth is I just wanted to be a hillbilly, and I am.

>>33524174
>I won't pursue it.
Why?

>Need to start my career basically from scratch
>Lack of freedom to do so because of wife and child
I know all I can do is just keep at it, but I can't help feeling like a failure

I'm full of hate and I love it.

I'm starting to get chills all day, I hopefully didn't catch anything at work, but I know I have to go in anyways if I do get sick to a degree.

>>33524219
There is less trouble when I admire from a distance and go on my way.

there are so many motorbikes near me, I'm reminded I like the good speeds when they go 20 in a 40

life is not full of opportunity like everyone keeps saying it is
i don't know how much longer i can cope with all the doors around me being locked

it doesn't sting painfully because i went to special ed and knew good things were beyond me but it still is draining to know that I'm an unemployable and unlovable creature
why should i not turn to crime, not even nsa cares

I threw a football back to a kid on the way home from work today, my arms ached for two minutes straight. Was barely 10 yards from the lad. I'm so weak.

I feel empty right now. Been feeling empty the whole day.
I have a depressive and suicidal history but I don't feel depressed despite random suicide ideation. It's nothing like what it used to be, aka. active planning and actual suicide attempts, just random thoughts of hanging myself.
But not because of feeling useless or anything. Nor is it because of feeling unloved. I don't really know why I feel this way.
I know I won't actually do anything but I don't know why I still feel suicidal when down like this. When a close relative got diagnosed with cancer, I felt down but not in such a way, more like it's something to fight through (especially for them). But when it comes to myself, it's often extreme self-destruction even when there's no reason for it, really.

I guess depression never ever truly leaves. You may not be depressed anymore but the negative ideation process you developed from depression remains. I don't know.

If I win the jackpot lottery of my coworker dating me, I'm gonna get a nose bridge piercing like what a bull would have.

>>33524926
Don't do it, it'll ruin your nose and its unhealthy

>>33524233
Thats absolutely disgusting and extremely sad

i'm thinking that maybe breaking up with the girl i'm with now might be better off for my future. i love her and we have had a lot of fun together, but recently things have changed and it's hard to see them in the same way. maybe not now, but in the long run. i just feel like i'm stuck.

only faggots read this in their head (which you are doing right now lol)

>>33525135
Shit haha

>>33520335
Thank you for telling us! But is there no way to get into programming? No future for that? What about telecommunications engineering? An anon already adviced me not to study informatics but I had already enrolled. What should I study instead?

>>33524861
My psychiatrist once told me suicidal ideation is a way to survive for it provides temporary pain relief. When you see no exit imagining your death gives you peace. But you do not want to die. You want to stop suffering. It's a vicious circle. You cause your own destruction because you hate yourself for being self-detructive.

>>33525030
But can you explain more? Why don't you want to date this girl anymore if you love her? How is she bad for your future?

>>33524233
What do you love about that?

>>33523997
>>33523999
Hug me guys

>>33525314
Same here
>hug

>>33524745
Be so disgusted with your weakness that you throw a ball every day

Throw a ball is metaphor for get in shape faggot

>>33525300
i love the history and the story we made with eachother. but, even in writing this i try to be as nice as i like, like she's watching over me as i write it, but i'll be honest. as of recent, she's revealed to me recently that she is trans or gender neutral, and that wasn't what really got me. it was how she described her hatred of being thought of as a woman. it just broke me to hear, because in my mind she is so beautiful. i couldn't understand how someone like herself could hate that much. it might not be a problem now, but maybe years into the future. i'm willing to adapt to they/them right, but like when she starts talking about cutting shit off and going on therapy it makes me wonder at what point am i willing to stay with her. is it so wrong of me to ask to want to be with someone who can call themselves a woman? maybe i'm just the dumb one.

>>33525288
>You want to stop suffering
The paradox is that despite having attempted suicide, I have always been aware that a big part of is seeking relief. The problem is that you cannot feel relief when you're dead. And yet the idea of dying remains appealing.

>Everything below $1000 puts you in the slums
>Everything $1500 or higher requires you to make $35/hr minimum or have roommates
>Everything in between always have a laundry list of minor problems or is poorly maintain
>Most companies won't let you view the apartment or rental without putting in your application (non refundable)
>Absolutely no end in sight for this bullshit
>Good job opportunities are shrinking by the day due to economic instability
Moving out of my parents house should be a happy moment in my life yet the process of moving out killed me inside. Is this how doomers are born?

>>33525443
i get it now. i am a girl but if i where with a boy and he went lesbian i wouldn't like it at all. i do not judge you, in fact it makes sense

>>33525475
i get it and i really hope it gets better for you

>>33525491
I appreciate it. Good luck out there anon

>>33525488
i just want to be able to tell her that in a way that wouldn't make it sound like i don't like them for what they're doing. i can support them, but i just can't be with someone that does that.

>>33523510
Unironically what is wrong with narcissism or having an ego? You know the reason society has this concept is unironically so 1% of the population can induct everyone else into their slave morality systems.

I bought another thing of cookies but I only ate half today. I'm improving.

>>33522180
You could just not buy the cookies, anon. We tend to have this mentality where we think we will overcome the urges, we them give onto them and think we are just-so-powerless rinse and repeat when the only winning move is to not get there in the first place.

I love my crackers but I know I'm powerless against them so they don't enter my home.

I am in such need of true real authentic faith. I am defiled, unclean, and harrassed by demons, almost certainly possessed. I pray to God there's still refuge in this world, still siritual medicine, and hospitality. Boy do I need it.

I got drunk and talked to someone I hated then found out we have a lot in common and now I'm inexplicably sad.

>new boss fucks me over
>market is shit so changing jobs won't be easy
>have to pretend i'm ok with all this fuckery in front of everyone
Please just let me move into the woods forever and die in peace. I fucking hate everything so much.

>>33525750
I feel like you responded to me but tagged that anon by mistake but not sure

I admitted to myself last night that I have alcoholism and depression, pretty clearly. I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to any meetings. I'm about to drink some whisky and eat some ground beef for dinner.

Still waiting for you to message me back homie.

I'm almost 21 and my parents won't give me any sort of independence. I work and drive (though not very well) and I love my parents but they won't let me do anything by myself.
There's a movie I want to see in a few weeks and they won't let me go by myself and are practically begging me to let one of them come with me and make me buy another ticket for them for a film they won't enjoy let alone understand. Tomorrow I'm going to renew my phone contract and buy some new clothes but again my mum won't let me go alone and is telling me to wait until she gets back. To be fair she did say she had to go shopping anyway but you'd think anyone would be happy for their child being independent. We do stuff together all the time so it's not that we don't see each other. I don't have any friends and am probably autistic tbf but I'm more than capable of doing things, especially going to watch a movie by myself. Even teenagers can do that. It just puts me down because why are they treating me like this, am I that retarded and I'm not self aware enough to realise? Do they really view me just like a child? I'm trying to become a proper adult and they won't let me do the bare minimum except forking out £500 each month to live at home because miraculously I'm independent enough to do that.
Maybe I should just give in and accept that I will won't properly grow up until they're gone and by then I'll be more stunted than I already am. I'm very lucky to have parents who love and care but it's really frustrating.

>>33525826
then become acquaintances

>Houston TX
>98 degrees, 100 million with humidity
>it is colder outside than in my bedroom
I just hate it.

>>33526131
>doxes urself
lol

>38
>socially isolated
>working 80 hours a week
>vacation request denied
>no huzz
>no time to do anything
I wanna quit at life

>learning my father's tongue
>get chatGPT to translate sentences and make flash cards
>dad comes in
>"look dad what I got chatGPT to do"
>"it even breaks down the words"
>dad did not give a shit, and instead explained the sentence
>"dad, is this word chatGPT made correct? It looks wrong". Dad ignored me and went on.
>dad looked at the translation "oh wow, it broke the words down for you, how neat."
I genuinely cannot win.

>>33526059
>Maybe I should just give in and accept that I will won't properly grow up until they're gone and by then I'll be more stunted than I already am. I'm very lucky to have parents who love and care but it's really frustrating.
Do what my brothers do and go anyways, and pretend to forget to tell them. I find their behavior toxic, but if you want independence the only way is to take it by force. Then you can negotiate the terms of what you want the relationship to be.

>>33525806
Go to a church and confess your sins

>>33526165
maybe it took him a minute to process and he isn't good at expressing with body language

I have a date!

She's been so forward and open the entire time it's been great, she even asked me out before I even got a chance to ask her out. Unfortunately it's still two and a half weeks away because she's on vacation. But I'm excited, I can't wait. Like literally can't wait, these next two weeks are dragging on, even though I've got plenty to do. At least now that it's confirmed I can stop stressing so much.

I'm terrified about her having one of my dealbreakers though. Or me having one of her dealbreakers.

>>33526165
Honestly your dad sounds autistic. It's not entirely his fault. I'm sure he appreciates it on some level even if attention to detail is hard.

I'm tired of the bullshit
I want a partner
A woman I can sink myself in

If they knew how stuck I am over them they'd probably think I'm fucking retarded
It wasn't that serious but it's the most serious I've ever had and they knew that

It’s over

>>33527020
>If they knew how stuck I am over them they'd probably think I'm fucking retarded

why do you think that?

Today's workout was kinda shit. Barely felt like I did anything but it's not like I could have raised the weight or sets. Maybe I should lower it again and go for higher reps....

>>33525986
lol

>>33527130
Because it's been a month and a half and we weren't in a defined relationship and I cry over them every day still
Like it's objectively way too much but I can't not feel it this intensely, I've tried. We fit into each other so well it was insane. But then life got complicated for them and they ghosted. Was obviously easy for them to move on since they could cut contact like that
Difference between someone who makes connections easily and someone who was learning how to do it for the first time

At one point I can't believe I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with her lol lmao

>>33527179
Yikes

>>33527229
>>33527162
Kys

I can't fucking get over her
And it's a fucking stab in the chest because she sure as shit doesn't give a fuck about me anymore

>commonly masturbate like every other day this year
>usually takes about 3~5 minutes on average plus the pre-fap horny watch or whatever, and I was fine with that because I didn't care for longer fapping unless fap hero
>a couple of months ago, meet this girl, end up liking her/falling for her even
>in the first month and a bit more I even forget to masturbate while sorta riding that high, but later on libido sets in again and I'm not that close to her yet due to reasons
>fap like once or twice a week now, except even without pre-fap session I still only last a minute tops

Either my body is saying "you won't last longer unless it's with her, bitch" or I randomly developed premature ejaculation despite not being that big of a gooner.

Wack.

>>33527448
Exact same experience a couple months ago
I liked her so damn much and was finding out I have anxious attachment patterns that it broke my dick
Went from jerking off every day to trying like twice a week and giving up
It eventually resolved but it was harrowing for a second

Nigga fuck you I’m your ride or die, I drive you to and from wherever you need to be almost anytime you want, I paid $90 out of my pocket for your prescription medication last week while your on-again/off-again not-girlfriend had you blocked on everything, and you have the audacity to act like I’m a backstabbing traitor because I, in a drunken stupor, off-handedly, as a joke and as a petty jab because you were ignoring my text messages, insinuated I could’ve taken her from you when she was hanging out with me downtown exactly like you took her from your former best friend, never mind the fact that you have on multiple occasions joked to me about taking women I’m interested in and actively pursuing. Respectfully, I love you dude, but go fuck yourself, you have absolutely no right getting as mad as you did about that. I can tell the vibes are still off but I’ve apologized multiple times now and at some point you just have to get over it. I’m sure you guys will be broken up and fighting again by the end of next week anyway

>>33527621
i was on ur side until u explained what ur "joke" was. theres some things that are just off limits and you made a joke on one of them

>>33527621
Toxic mfers on all side
No sympathy for any party

I absolutely cannot fucking get over her
Still wake up early as hell in the morning because that's when she used to send a burst of texts from her timezone
Still automatically convert my timezone into hers
Still think about which days are her off days and what she's likely to be doing
Literally none if it matters anymore
I want to move on but my dumbass brain won't let me

>>33527679
Yeah cuz it takes time nigga

>>33527716
Okay but how much
6 weeks is a lot of time

>>33527628
Whatever man, he’s made similar jokes to me before and unlike his there was no legitimate intention or consideration behind mine. Now he knows a fraction of how his ex-bestie probably felt. He said we were cool anyway, I can tell the vibe is still off but I think he is sort of letting it slide this once as a courtesy which I think I’ve more than earned over the past couple years of being this dude’s top guy
>>33527650
That’s fair

>>33527728
Bruh
Probably a few months, depending on intensity

>>33527736
>>33527628
I also would like to just reiterate he stole her from one of his closest friends first and the bitch doesn’t even love him and actively gets upset with him when he refers to her as his girlfriend

Here’s a story, /adv/.
>be me
>femoid
>30
>go through the ringer, sexual abuse, grooming, hormone imbalance
>that doesn’t really matter
>at 12 pretend I’m 16 with a 4channer.
>hyper-sexual, indulges me, rps with me, begins a relationship with me
>at 13-14 mother finds my DMs, grounds me for three months
>back online, inform him of age, I’m pretty mature for my age he says, he continues a relationship with me, on again off again for five years.
>become goonette, high desire always
>can’t form meaningful relationships outside of 4Channers.
>get with one, hyper abusive, terrible. Physical, mental, sexual.
>another 5 years and he cheats on me with my best friend
>obsessed with sex, but also with loyalty
>get out of relationship, find another after a while, he’s wonderful, kind, excellent in all ways.
>I am insecure of my body, of my mind, our sexual encounters drop incredibly online, it is likely more of a long distance problem than anything
>there are emotional problems between us, I try to break up a couple times
>come into contact with another 4Channer, I am always lewd and silly with everyone
>this one is different, very charismatic, I spend time with him when my relationship with Love is bad about a year after being together.
>develop crush, Mr. Magnet is great, we got a lot in common, closer in age
>mentions we talk frequently
>realize I should distance myself
>for for six months hoping it would stop
>stuck between great friendship, lust, and love.
>begin friendship again, feelings muted, hoping they’re gone entirely
>realize tonight after having a call that I am mishearing what he says, I am still crushing
>insanely disgusted with myself
>sperg out, he asks not to end the relationship but I can not morally do this
>block him, block his girl
>immediately call my Love, tell him everything
>I am deeply ashamed of myself
>Love claims he still wants to be with me, he is glad I didn’t go through with anything
Wanna kms, probably should. Won’t.

>>33527750
stopped reading at femoid

>>33527755
I understand.

>>33527750
Girl you’re 30
Time to face your demons

>>33527750
I didn’t really comprehend the second half of this story not gonna lie

>>33527765
Trying to, with all of the honesty I can. I told my Love he deserved better, that I will allow everything into his hands. I probably should find salvation in something and stop pursuing relationships.
>>33527767
I love a very good man, despite our problems. I tried ending the relationship after realizing some of the major ones, he insists we stay together and I agree very covetously. During a time where our relationship was rocky I came into contact with another man, one I became good friends with and talked to often. I realized when he made a comment openly that we talk very frequently I had a crush on him. I am obsessed with being loyal and honest and open, I can not stand this so I disassociate with him to try and work on the relationship with the man I’m already committed to. After half a year(probably a bit more desu, but six months of full no talking), I try to be friends with the other male only to realize my crush hasn’t changed and I am mishearing some things he’s saying due to a crush. I express this to the man I love after explaining to the other guy what I was feeling as well, before I blocked him entirely. The man I love truly wants to work with me after this, I believe he deserves better and now I am down a friend and I am waiting for the man I love to truly make a decision with the information I’ve told him.

>>33527810
You should get some therapy and meds girl, fr

>>33527825
I have gotten therapy and I’m on meds.

How am I gonna accomplish this, man?

I've finally reached the stage of "I'm dying alone and I don't give a fuck" that I am going /wg/ and making my computer background a slideshow of hot chicks.
I've always joked with my parents that they won't know I have a gf until I'm married so my wife can't run away from how crazy the family is, but the truth is that I don't want them continuously on this rollercoaster of "I met someone!" and "It fell through..." a couple days/weeks later.
Only problem is that they already suspect/know and worry that I've given up, so I smile and lie to them that I'm still hanging in there. Yet all dating apps do is blackpill me with the only likes coming from unfuckable femcels, social media bots, and morbidly obese faggots.

>>33526605
she is a whore who is cheating on you with other men, leave her

Nothing matters anymore ever since I got too drunk and ruined everybody’s night and these fucking women these mentally unstable women they are running me in a never ending hell circle and I can’t take this anymore

>>33512838 (OP)
I live far from my family and never see my coworkers outside work. Yet I worry they will find my sex toy collection and hentai stash. I have a decent relationship with most the people in my life. what's wrong with me?

>>33517276
can i come with?

My medication for my autoimmune disease is starting to fail but instead of telling my doctor I'm sort of hoping I get so sick I have to go back to the hospital because when I'm physically ill it's the only time my mother shows she cares about me. I've been depressed and suicidal but she doesn't care at all because it's all in my head. Usually I don't need her to care because I've always had friends but this year I have none. It's been about 2 weeks since I've even gotten a Direct Message on anything and it was a bot.

>>33512838 (OP)
I should have dropped out because I knew i wasn't going to go to college and was several times 1st place for math and English in the grade and knew about self-education, but there was too much cognitive dissonance in the household and i didn't quite have the mental strength to run away or make my own point clear to myself.

When I think of all my blessings, I think about how I’m a waste of space and wish I could give it to someone else so I could die in peace already

What good life can it possibly be as some pedo‘s child. Why does it surprise me only now?

>>33527460
Did you do anything specific to help deal with it?

So let met get this right, the reason why I am sexist... Is because I am retarded and if I treat you equal to me I am treating you like you are retarded like me rather than intelligent like you make yourself out to be. I see... So the reason why you felt so humiliated when I just wanted to be your friend was that had you been my friend you would be degrading yourself because why would a woman degrade herself to a retard if that is what he equates herself as, himself being a retard.

Lady, are you aware of my math background, work background, the fact I have a bit more common sense than you think? You know I can drive a car now right? Oh wait you are busy doubting it again. Shit never gets old. Okay I'll have to go through more reassuring and weird repairs in my life again...

My younger brother has this disgusting habit of baby talking to our parents, i don't know if I'm overreacting but I think its pretty messed up. He's 24 ffs

Fight the future

I was neglected as a child while simultaneously being "rich". Not rich enough to fix my teeth which got me bullied every day but rich enough for 60+ presents on christmas morning, expensive vacations, every game system. Now my love language is presents- my bf gives me understanding presents that mean he knows my personality and I cry and am so touched. Like a hat from my favorite show in my favorite color. Meanwhile even hugging I lowkey dissociate. I'm fucked up

Surely it must be a good sign I get bored and disgusted at my own whining.

Every night I talk to God, but he don't say nothin' back
I know he protected Big, but I still stay with my gat