Thread 82274958

genuinely cannot handle the intrusive thoughts telling me to kill myself and that everyone hates me at all times anymore i want to fucking stab myself
should i just go get put in a psych ward?

once you experience a moment where you're thinking
>THIS IS IT. I'M FINALLY GOING TO FUCKING DO IT.
yeah u should talk to someone me thinks

>>82274958 (OP)
hey hu tao anon, i dont hate you. im actually quite fond of you. i cant comment on whether or not you should go to a psych ward but if you ever wanna talk on this thread or on discord o whatevs i would be glad to

There are probably worse things you could do

>>82274983
i dont know i think if i ever to that point i won't be able to stop and talk with someone first it's already bad enough now
>>82275046
thank you anon. i don't really know what to talk about i only feel like complaining all the time and i don't want to do that. all i can think of now is how awful of a person i am and that i should die
>>82275069
such as?

>>82275154
i'm very sleepy so im going to bed soon but before i go to bed i just wanted to say i also feel like a terrible person. ive done many bad things and i still do things that i wish i had the mental fortitude to stop. this isnt really advice but i can relate to you in this regard.

>>82274958 (OP)
hu tao wouldn't say that

>>82274958 (OP)
>should i get corrupt psychopaths to imprison me and force their jew chemicals into me
that sounds lile a bad idea

>>82275168
thanks, i appreciate it anon. i don't even know if there's any advice that would help anyways.
>>82275274
well im not hu tao am i?
>>82275550
i mean i don't what else to do. at least if they give me meds i won't feel bad hopefully. i'd rather feel nothing at all at this point and maybe if they give me some kind of certificate then people will believe me when i tell them i'm not okay

>>82274958 (OP)
>should i just go get put in a psych ward?
Nobody knows better about your situation but you, but at least some form of medical help would help.
I never went all the way but i think it still helps.
But like whats the worst that can happen if you do decide to go to the doc? Get a free vacation for a bit and get treated for your issues? Sorta wish i went through that.

Also sorry for being absent the past few threads. I just wasn't browsing during the times they were up.

>>82275683
>Get a free vacation for a bit and get treated for your issues?
that's what i was thinking too it's just that it seems terrifying and it could put me in an even worse situation. i can't know for sure how long they'll hold me in there for, and the meds they give me might just make everything worse. maybe they wont even put me in the ward but rather just give me some xanax and tell me to go fuck myself back home. and what if then no one's going to hire me because i've been to the ward and they think im crazy? i honestly feel so helpless. i mean i don't think i should be allowed near knives and yet the job im trying to be good at basically always uses knives. as im writing this i feel like my mood is constantly changing from awful to normal it's freaking me out. maybe all i need i someone to tell me everything is going to be okay whenever im having an episode. but im scared that won't be enough either and i'll just end up hurting everyone whos trying to help me. perhaps i shouldn't be ranting on the internet.

>>82275873
I think you are overthinking it desu.
Things have changed a lot and these loonie bins don't really exist any more. And they won't tell you to fuck off either. Yeah the docs probably see a lot of poser drama queens and don't take those as seriously but if you are unwell they WILL take note and offer whatever they can ASAP, from my knowledge and experience at least.
>what if then no one's going to hire me because i've been to the ward and they think im crazy?
Man if those places wouldn't hire you because of something like this they weren't worth be worth your time anyways. Anyone that tells otherwise can fuck off. When it comes to your wellbeing and career its you above else. Even if in the worst case scenario you are in therapy for a while and cannot participate because of it, then so be it. Its you above else. No compromises.
Yes sometimes a little torture paves the way for a better (you) but from what im reading here that is not the case here. Don't worry about employment right now.
And again, 'the ward' is not really like it was back then.
Absolute nutjobs still get hired btw
>perhaps i shouldn't be ranting on the internet.
I think that the doc would be a good idea. Tell 'em about the intrusive thoughts and in which direction they go, perhaps that you are scared of acting on them, and that should be well enough to start this thing. Did the same and while it took way to long because of how disorganized some clinics are, i think that things are a little better now. You still have a lot of control over what happens and what doesn't. You don't just get immediately forced into involuntary hold if you step through the door and get force meds if you get what i mean.
>i honestly feel so helpless
It'll be fine anon. Regardless of if you chose the solo route or the medical one i don't see why it couldn't get better either way. But i am a little biased towards the latter here.

>>82276034
>I think you are overthinking
i tend to do that a lot...
>And they won't tell you to fuck off either
they have with a person i know personally. perhaps he wasn't as honest with them as he is with me, but all they did was diagnose him with chronic anxiety and gave him xanax. then sent him back to work. needless to say that didn't help at all, plus he had to wait 6 months just to be given that "diagnosis". i really don't know if it's even worth going through the effort of mentally forcing myself to say to a stranger i want to kms if all im gonna get is a "take these drugs bye"
>they weren't worth be worth your time anyways
i'd agree but my time is worth nothing at the present.
>to your wellbeing and career its you above else
sure but i dont have a career at all, i cant be picky with what im offered. i can't help but worry cause i might just get kicked out of the house or be sent back to a factory soon enough and i WILL kill myself before i work another day in a factory.
>I think that the doc would be a good idea
i wouldn't be able to tell them anything. i don't trust therapists or psychologists. they don't want to help you. they couldn't care less about my problems they only care because of they money i give them or it's because it's their job. it makes me feel pathetic to think im so fucked up in the head that all i can do is whine to some random person who couldn't care less if i died tomorrow.
>i don't see why it couldn't get better either way
how? i dont get it really. you're not the only one that says they're confident things will get better for me but i genuinely do not see any way out. nothing that will stop my self loathing and such. maybe im lying to everyone and i make things seem better than what they are because i dont want them to worry. i dont know

>>82276265
>i tend to do that a lot...
Yeah same. Knowing that you do and reminding yourself of that is really helpful.
So if you are going to take anything away from this then it it should be this at least. Letting smallish things spiral out of control is not good..
>they have with a person i know personally. perhaps he wasn't as honest with them as he is with me
Sadly depends on where you live and stuff. Also on the circumstances of the meeting. I guess even though mine was a little urgent i would be lying if i didn't feel like i was being ignored sometimes. And while a lot of meds are not to be messed around with, there are some that are just sorta good.
>don't know if it's even worth going through the effort of mentally forcing myself to say to a stranger i want to kms if all im gonna get is a "take these drugs bye"
Well 'all' that the bad ending is, is them telling you off and maybe giving you some med. You walk out of the door and its like nothing ever happened and you don't see that man ever again. There a lot worse failure scenarios in life. The worst (regarding your treatment) they can do is say 'no'.
So if you still want to pursue this despite your mistrust, walz in knowing that you pay taxes and whatever and that the man in the coat *owes* you help because of it. Not getting any is not good but there is no need to destroy yourself over it. No need to feel embarrassed. He is in your debt and not the other way around.
Although i recommend trying sooner than later to get their help still. It makes everything so much harder and more complicated if something happens. It sticks with you. Avoid any sort of intrusive thoughts getting too far.
>i'd agree but my time is worth nothing at the present.
Ah come on. You worrying about anything means that it is so. Its worth something, anon. And abusive or neglectful employers cannot afford it and nobody can pretend that it is otherwise.
[cont]

>>82276579

>whine to some random person who couldn't care less if i died tomorrow.
You wouldn't be getting (you)s telling you that that's not the case if it were that way. Even in the worst and pathetic times there it at least some empathy here.
>how? i dont get it really
you have already probably beaten your own expectations a couple of times. This is not the first case of 'its so over' after which 'we are so back' or 'its sorta better' happens. I didn't believe i would make it so long and here i am.
Basically everybody goes through this but few tap into this and avoid the first advice of not overthinking.
>i dont know
Who does? Nobody knows, so don't break your head over it. You will live through this and it will be better. It just will be. No need to know or see how, it just will. I don't know, but it somehow does that sometimes.

Post is long, gotta split is again ffs this limit is stupid. Im no psychologist or vision seeing fortune teller that can tell you the best course of action but i still hope that things get better. You replying and not immediately fucking off like so many before you is a sign that it can get better. So while i don't have a magic wand to fix everything i still think you understand what i mean.

>>82274958 (OP)
You seem reasonable so i think you can put the bullshit at bay.

>>82276579
>Letting smallish things spiral out of control is not good..
it kinda feels like there's a reason behind all this overthinking though. maybe these smallish things aren't actually small at all, and it's why my brain overthinks them, maybe it's trying to tell me i should worry more.
>You walk out of the door and its like nothing ever happened
not really though. im going to walk out that door feeling worse because i've yet again be proven that there's no helping my situation. yet again i proved my bad thoughts are correct.
>It makes everything so much harder and more complicated if something happens
how so? do they become more strict and such if you've hurt yourself in the past or worse? i guess it would make sense. i think im going to mention to my doctor that im not feeling really good in the head next time i go and hopefully he'll book me a psychiatrist visit or something. i dont even know how it works honestly.
>You worrying about anything means that it is so
i mean, maybe to me it does, but i dont think it does to anyone else especially employers.
>at least some empathy here
i think it's different because people here are usually in a situation which is just as bad if not worse, so they can understand. i know psychiatrist have degrees proving they "understand" how the human mind works and such, but find it really hard to believe someone can understand how another human feels if they haven't lived the same experiences, or at least somewhat similar ones.
>your own expectations a couple of times
sure i have, but this time its different. i should've died 2 years ago and yet i decided to try again, because i never did to begin with. now that i have tried and nothing changed it really feels like i got nothing else now. no illusion that things will get better if i keep trying. i think i felt better back then.
>It just will be
i can only hope so...
>>82276772
i am definitely not reasonable anon, i just like to pretend that i am
fake till you make it ykwim?

>>82276883
>i am definitely not reasonable anon, i just like to pretend that i am
....Is there a difference? You're already you and this is already how you behave.

>>82274958 (OP)
Why does it matter that everyone hates you? I embraced the fact normies are actually shit immoral people and it doesn't matter that they hate me long ago, I remember that they treated me like this when I was just a kid too and the problem isn't that I am a "bad person" while Chad can be a convicted child molestor yet still enjoy social acceptance.

>>82276895
Trust me, OP is fucking bonkers

>>82276883
>maybe these smallish things aren't actually small at all
maybe sometimes but very very often they are very tiny actually. No need to ovethink this either ;)
>proven that there's no helping my situation
A man in a suit disagreeing with you is proof that there is no helping you? Not at all? Not even another more reasonable doctor? There are billions things to try. Don't let one person telling you 'no' forget that.
>how so? I can only speak from experience but letting these thoughts go to far made me feel really guilty for not trying to fix them earlier nothing happened thankfully but still. Doesn't matter what they are about or even if even you have yet to act on them, simply having them is an enormous drain on who you are. Even with nothing happening and you resisting them with a 100% success rate they cause indirect severe secondary symptoms which at some point also get too much. This plague on your mind should not be tolerated. Repressing is not enough but all out war on it needs to be fought.
>do they become more strict and such if you've hurt yourself in the past or worse?
No not really more strict. Psychology is more like a nurture type thing than a punishing one. They will just be more careful and use more methods to help. I told them the same thing about these feelings. I always was a free man, they just work a little different. Actually go into depth when they see that their surface level things don't work. Put up actual diagnoses instead of 'its le depression, take these SSRIs :D' and give therapy for them. But they do these things anyways. Just that telling them how you actually feel helps them see that you are not a drama queen and actually have issues to be fixed. In my experience of course.
>but i dont think it does to anyone else especially employers.
tsk. The opinions of a normgroid slave should no influence you. These people are at most a source of money. Don't take their feelings to heart.
[cont]

>>82277032

>now that i have tried and nothing changed
Try again. Rome wasn't built in a day. The road to healing is a long one and can seem endless or is covered by fog. Doesn't mean its not there,
Like the other anon said. You do seems to be reasonable even if you don't feel that way, even if you get lost you can still find your way back.
>i dont even know how it works honestly.
you don't need to. Its not your job but theirs. If you go to the doctors and just tell them about this they will figure something out.
Have to shorten ffs.

>>82277049
>Have to shorten ffs.
not you but me
i can't type anymore for a bit

>>82276895
>....Is there a difference?
would you say one is kind if they're only that way in order to get something out of you?
>You're already you
more often than not i think i'm two different people, and depending on my mood one takes over the other.
>>82276954
>Why does it matter that everyone hates you?
it matters because i don't want to be hated by people i care about or like. i couldn't care less if the entire rest of the world hates me as long as im liked by who matters to me. in my head i'm not and that's why it bothers me
>>82276963
hey! im the only one allowed to call myself crazy!!!
>>82277032
>No need to ovethink this either
i can't promise you i won't but i can promise you i will try not to
>Not at all?
sure there might be something else. but you know what i mean, it's a disappointment after another and they start piling up until their weight prevents me from trying anything else. it's already heavy enough as it is now and i can't predict which disappointment is going to be the one breaking my legs. it could be far from now it could be in a few days.
>one person telling you 'no'
...do the ones in my head count?
>made me feel really guilty for not trying to fix them earlier
i understand, i felt the same when i got out of my neetdom a year past. funny, how something that was supposed to improve my life ultimately just made me feel even worse because it brought to light everything that i've wasted.
>all out war on it needs to be fought
everything just seems so much effort for such a measly reward, me staying alive.
>Just that telling them how you actually feel
putting my feelings into words is so very hard to do anon, especially in person. if someone asks me how im doing irl i freeze trying not to say "i want to slit my throat" and take some seconds to come up with something. i think i've repressed so much for so long that i might be incapable of saying how i actually feel.

cont.

>>82277269
cont.
>>82277032
>Don't take their feelings to heart
i don't, what im trying to say is that they dont care if im trying to get better and whatnot, to them im a defective cog and therefore there's no reason to choose me over a well oiled one. it wouldn't matter to me, if i didn't need them to choose me in order to stay alive.
>Rome wasn't built in a day
it wasn't built by a single person either... but i've got people helping me and yet i can't feel anything. you're here talking with me trying to help and i can't help but feel nothing. why? why? why? i can't feel anything but loneliness even though im surrounded with other people. im ungrateful and i feel like an awful person. i wish i could feel happy when others try to help me but i rarely feel anything. i feel so guilty. what's so wrong with me? how am i supposed to be feeling? i ask for help and then throw everything away. i think it's fair if people hate me. it should be that way

>>82277269
>would you say one is kind if they're only that way in order to get something out of you?
The only thing you get out of me is appeasing your mental issues. It's one thing to not trust someone, it's another to do so without reason.
>more often than not i think i'm two different people, and depending on my mood one takes over the other.
They both converge into 1 person.

>>82277290
>but i've got people helping me and yet i can't feel anything. you're here talking with me trying to help and i can't help but feel nothing
Were you truly helped? We can only do so much. Nobody can expect you to be grateful if the problem isn't actually solved.

>>82274958 (OP)
>everyone hates me
whenever i post, i make sure to send you a pat on the back as a sign of affection without being too intrusive
not everyone is out to get you, the evidences are out there
>inb4 you just do this because X and Y
i only do it out of appreciation, that's it
i don't send shoutouts to people i don't give a fuck about

tl;dr believe the evidences and facts, not what your mind warps them into

>>82277304
>The only thing you get out of me is appeasing your mental issues
i wasn't talking about myself, and still you didnt really answer my question. pretending isn't the same as being
>They both converge into 1 person.
i refuse to accept that all the bad thoughts i think of are part of me. they're a parasite and they need to be removed. they are not me.
>>82277346
>to be grateful if the problem isn't actually solved.
but the thoughts count too anon, each and every single person who'se tried to help could've simply chosen not to, or to make things even worse. i think even if you dont fix something you're still worthy of praise for attempting to do so.
>>82277372
>the evidences are out there
reason doesn't work on the unreasonable anon, though i appreciate you being nice. maybe if enough people will then my retarded brain will stop hating me.

>>82274958 (OP)
Huanon, you are of the only people who makes threads the majority of people don't hate. If it is getting seriously bad and all, you could try and go to a pysch ward. Up to your own viewpoint and all but still. Whatever you do, i highly reccomend not stabbing yourself, it hurts rather awfully and can bleed very bad, nevermind the chance of death if you hit specific organs. Hope you feel better soon as it is not good to be like this.

>>82274958 (OP)
they're going to lock you in a room and feed you meds don't do it

They'll call you lazy and put you on antipsychotics. Everynyan hates this boy, but it just shows you might as well do whatever.

>>82277620
thanks for the kind words anon, i promise i'll try my best not to stab myself. i wonder why im so obsessed with stabbing anyways. i do like knives a lot so maybe its that.
>>82278114
is that what they did to you anon?
>>82278304
they're already calling me lazy so im halfway there. i wish i didnt care about anything like you do anon. also, did you break up with ceb or something?

>>82278304
Sex with Aisu because the intrusive thoughts told me to.

>>82278682
You'll get to be a sleepy sleepy boy on them schizo pills. Pretty ironic until you remember they're not covered by insurance. Oh, I care, just do it anyway.
>did you break up with ceb or something?
No, these relationships if you can call them that don't really inprint into the psyche the same way real life stuff might. Whatever you say today won't matter much tomorrow. A very forgiving environment. You know it, brother. Like this specimen >>82278732. Been at it for years. Would be on all sorts of pills irl, but secretly still thinks he can salvage his life cause this don't matter.

>normie nigger doesn't know

not all thoughts are your own

entities can put thoughts in your head and you should just shake it off like seeing a stupid video in your scroll session

>>82277599
>pretending isn't the same as being
What i'm saying is you express it regardless, and i'd call it "forced" more than "faked" in your case.
>i refuse to accept that all the bad thoughts i think of are part of me
I think the thoughts in question are a manifestation for a cry for help, they're conclusions that your brain subconsiously made, they're not necessarily correct but they're still your brains way of asking for a change.
>but the thoughts count too anon, each and every single person who'se tried to help could've simply chosen not to
Yeah, but thoughts and prayers mean little and we both know it and besides, I don't like to celebrate prematurely.

>>82278759
>Would be on all sorts of pills irl
Ackshually am since a couple of months ago. More useful than therapy has ever been.

>>82274958 (OP)
I was already admitted to a psychiatric ward for two months. If you want this problem to be resolved more quickly, I would recommend that you check into one.

>>82277599
>maybe if enough people will then my retarded brain will stop hating me.
it's all a matter of focus, speaking from experience
rather than being consumed by these thoughts, flood them with thoughts about how nice it is to be appreciated by the few people that do
letting your own appreciation for them take you over

>>82274958 (OP)
I've been feeling the same way for a while but I'm too scared to consider going to a psych ward

>>82278759
>You'll get to be a sleepy
im already sleepy thoughever i can never fall asleep.
>No
i see, well good luck with whatever kind of thing you two got
>>82278792
>i'd call it "forced" more than "faked" in your case.
i guess you have a point there
>they're still your brains way of asking for a change
and is that change death? it can't be the only solution my brain can come up with. it wants me dead and it hates me. it constantly berates me. it's not a cry for help or whatever it's just my bad side trying to take over the good one.
>mean little and we both know it
it's different for everyone really. what might not help me might help another. i can't just throw something given to me away simply because it doesn't fit me.
>>82278774
>not all thoughts are your own
i am very aware, i simply cannot shake them off however.
>>82278921
so did it help then? do they like take stuff away from you while you're there or something?
>>82279014
>how nice it is to be appreciated
that's really hard to do anon simply because i don't know how it feels to be appreciated. i honestly don't know. i barely feel any good emotions.
>>82279145
you and me both anon

>>82279355
I once took a pille during the day cause I was restless, bt it didn't work immediatelly, so I also decided to make some eggs cause it also made me hungry even after eating a whole box of cookies and it was so fun cause I was desperately watching my eggs cook before I collapsed on the kitchen table. So yeah if you can't fall asleep, that would do it. Idk, I think the rules about giving pills are more lenient in the land of Kaguya.

>>82279355
>i don't know how it feels to be appreciated.
do you have to?
you know there are people who appreciate you, how does that make you feel then?
how do you think it should make you feel?

>>82279355
>and is that change death?
No, not really but the fact that you jumped to that conclusion immediately is also why your brain did. But really you have massive problems and no real solutions, what they are is too personal for me to know, but they might take downright madness to solve.

>>82274958 (OP)
Idk I'm having similar issues extremely high energy racing thoughts and trouble sleeping(2-3 hours a night give or take) that's getting worse with every passing day

>>82275550
Based embrace your weirdness and be a homeless vagrant on the side of LA

>>82279145
Dont those faggots can't help you. There's nothing wrong with your mind

As you bend to your sorrow
With your soul hanging just by a thread
Broken spirit
In a vast masquerade where the living are dead

>>82274958 (OP)
>get put in a psych ward?
Again?

>>82279496
>do you have to?
i mean... i guess?
>how does that make you feel then?
i don't know, i can't really describe it. sometimes i feel relief. most of the time i can't seem to feel anything.
>how do you think it should make you feel?
i don't know, happy? grateful? motivated? i'm not entirely sure.
>>82279853
>high energy racing thoughts and trouble sleeping
yeah i get those too anons, though even if i sleep enough hours i can't seem to stop feeling tired. i hope you can find a way to get more sleep.
>>82280232
In this fantastic life, come paint another smile on your face...
i do enjoy songs with upbeat melodies and rather haunting lyrics.
"in a vast masquerade where the living are dead" might just be one of my favourite lyrics ever.
>>82280244
i've never been in one before anon

>>82280361
>In this fantastic life, come paint another smile on your face...
Uhhh wtf how did you find the song????? I can't find it by searching the lyrics...

And yeah that is one of my favorite songs and lyrics, I'm surprised you liked it though

>>82280361
>i can't really describe it.
is it a bad feeling in your opinion?
>i'm not entirely sure.
yeah, exactly
there's no way one's "supposed to feel" in this situation, so whatever you feel is fine
me i feel grateful for the few who give a fuck, but that's just me

anyway point is, so long as it doesn't make you feel bad, focus on that
feeling neutral beats feeling bad anyday

>>82280478
>how did you find the song?
heheh, you underestimate me anon. my knowledge in music goes very deep down the iceberg... i already knew the song. i listened to it a lot, and it's easy to remember those lyrics, considering that everyday im reminded about the masquerade we live in (and it also really catchy). i randomly found the song in a yt mix playlist, back when i used to listen to a lot of 80s and 70s songs. i like If You Go Away too, and her cover of Love Me Tender is lovely aswell.
>>82280623
>is it a bad feeling in your opinion?
it's not a bad feeling i'm sure, it's... just something very feint i guess.
>so whatever you feel is fine
but what if i feel nothing for most of the time?
it makes me feel bad that i feel nothing.


i'll be going to bed now, anons. thanks everyone for talking with me today. even if i can't feel much, im sure it helped me! at the very least i don't feel like dying as much as i did before. im grateful for all of you.

>>82280704
>heheh, you underestimate me anon. my knowledge in music goes very deep down the iceberg...
Damn, that's some impressive knowledge... I'm kind of jelly of people with such broad taste in music, mine is very narrow so I can almost never share stuff with someone and have them know anything about it. I certainly wasn't expecting it in this thread, haha. It's a pleasant surprise.

>If You Go Away
I quite like this one too, especially when she starts singing in other languages.

>>82280704
>it makes me feel bad that i feel nothing.
it's ok to not feel anything, as i said there's no "right way to feel about it"
stop self-sabotaging, anon
and have a great night, thanks for talking to me today too

>pretending to be a nona by using sad anime girl reaction images
>meanwhile, is a grown ass man

>>82280361
I think you would enjoy the artist Mr. Kitty, his works are dark but also electronic and can really make you feel some sort of way. I currently have resurrection and lost children on repeat

>>82280361
Strange enough i can stay up egregiously and feel perfectly awake I don't know what the fuck is happening to me but I'm going to pull an all nighter

>>82274958 (OP)
please don't go anywhere hu tao chan, I'd be so worried

i''m so sorry

>>82280951
lurk moar, newfag

>>82282558
we'll make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, don't worry
also, talk to me