Thread 82779466

hey anone, are you okay? do you want to talk about something? it can be both bad and good you know, i'll always listen to you! have you eaten anything delicious lately?

>>82779466 (OP)
>have you eaten anything delicious lately?
no, i eat fucking garbage, had some mcdonalds fries and chicken strips yesterday, was straight ass

>>82779466 (OP)
I have eaten nothing in days. Liver fucked, appetite gone. Have a few days left now to finish my mission. Kept alive by Smirnoff and hate.

>>82779466 (OP)
>hey anone, are you okay?
hi. Nothing too bad i think tough i am upset, uneasy, and a little scared.

I have eaten nothing today but i think in around an hour that will change. This day feels like my brain halves changed places so i dunno. I just hope it ends soon.

>>82779466 (OP)
i ate some indian food recently and i like indian food. ive realized fast food is injustifiable at this price so im not gonna go at any common rate anymore and i want to start cooking more and stuff i guess.
also im very lonely and i want a gf and some friends

>>82779476
well if it's that disgusting then at least you have a reason to stop eating it and try to cook something better!
>>82779478
okay, well what's your mission then?
>>82779499
hm, did something happen to make you feel that way or is it just how you're feeling today? regardless, i hope you feel better soon. eat also something sugary, it's bound to make you feel ever so slightly better!
>>82779532
it is pretty stupid how expensive fast food has become, it's almost more convenient to just go eat at a normal not fancy restaurant. oh well, all the more reasons to eat more healthy. what would you like to cook?
>also im very lonely and i want a gf and some friends
so am i anon so am i, but it is what it is. just gotta keep trying to find some i guess...

>>82779601
>hm, did something happen to make you feel that way or is it just how you're feeling today?
A couple of things. Home being "home" and as a result me being distracted as shit and taking all meds at once instead of spacing them out.
The urge to GTFO only grows man.

One day everybody is on your side and on the next you are dead weight.

>>82779466 (OP)
Hello Anon!! I'm doing okayish I suppose, I ended up sleeping for 12 hours again and that's kind of depressing... I could have done so many things but I slept it all away instead... I went to sleep like an hour after you did and got up like 20 minutes ago lel. The last 4 hours were that sort of weird state that's somewhere in-between sleep and wakefulness, I'm not even sure if it was restful at all. Why do I do this to myself... the bed is just too addictive I suppose...

>do you want to talk about something?
Hmm there's not really much desu... I ordered the PC parts yesterday so that's nice I suppose, hopefully they come in soon but it doesn't say when they will so who knows. Maybe the upgrade will motivate me to play vidya a bit more again, since I don't want them to go to waste. I'd hate for it to become just a more powerful 4chan scrolling machine lole. But somehow I can't even seem to find the time for it despite having 16 hours of free time a day, I wonder where it all goes.. probably to me lying in bed and daydreaming, mostly. I really should cut back on that...

>have you eaten anything delicious lately?
I made more croque monsieurs on Friday from the remaining ingredients! I think I undercooked them that time or something because the cheese didn't feel quite right, but oh well they were still good. I'm probably gonna try to go to the store tomorrow to buy stuff for the risotto, unless it's raining all day long again. It's been raining for almost two days straight now which is nice but a bit annoying as it means I can't go biking, and carrying groceries by hand would be too much of a pain.

How are you doing Anonny? Is your cold finally gone maybe? What have you been eating?

>>82779601
>well if it's that disgusting then at least you have a reason to stop eating it and try to cook something better!
i do cook food occasionally and its better but i cant do that often cuz im broke

>>82779601
It used to be to crack a wife beaters temple with a wrench. He has gone too far now, gets incinerated. I won't be on this board much longer because after I do it I'll take a pair of scissors to my jugular. Have an above average knowledge of my own anatomy after my liver failed 2 years ago. Got diagnosed with ptsd also.

>>82779601
>what would you like to cook?
probably indian food mostly, i like indian food. its nice that it has a lot of vegetarian recipes because i guess i want to eat less meat nowadays

>>82779466 (OP)
Sometimes I get the urge to learn Mandarin, get a useful major in business and something else Asians like and move to China. At this point I would rather die under authoritarianism for the peace and quiet than deal with politics and brown people

>>82779466 (OP)
I've officially lost the plot
I don't feel like I've "seized" the day unless I've experienced a deep and euphoric, almost ecstacy-like religious experience

Could be as something simple as 1000 Hail Mary's or I'll even put on some hymns in my car while I drive to work
But unless I "see" God, "feel" God, I feel like the day's just not worth it

>>82779677
>and taking all meds at once
oh damn, be careful not to do that again anon it might be dangerous. but yeah, sucks when there's problems at home. it's supposed to be your safe space and yet... well, i hope you can get out of it soon. do your best to endure until then.
>>82779683
hi anon! would you have actually done anything in those hours? besides if you slept that much it meant your body probably needed it.
>Maybe the upgrade will motivate me to play vidya a bit more again
i think it will, you'll have a lot more games to choose from to play, and with less problems i assume! well if daydreaming makes you happy i don't see a problem with it. still perhaps you might need to start living in reality a bit more gradually.
>>82779683
>I made more croque monsieurs on Friday
niceu, good work! also this idea popped up in my mind, but what if sometime you cook for your parents? do you think that might help your relationship with them? also yeah, hopefully it stops raining soon so you can make your risotto.
>Is your cold finally gone maybe?
i think the worst has passed, now it's just a slight headache and a few coughs every once in a while. still, my abdomen hurts by how much i've coughed the last few days... but it'll pass soon i hope. haven't been eating anything fancy since i was sick, today i made a pasta with tuna. for some reason i had a craving for that, maybe my body needed the proteins.
>>82779711
that's nice, what do you like to cook usually?
>>82779780
oh, how do you plan to incinerate someone? you're just gonna douse them in gasoline and set it on fire or something? well, i can't wish you good luck in your endeavors if it means you'll be slitting your throat afterwards so, i hope you'll find a more rational way to complete your mission

>>82779790
i don't know much about indian food myself other than curry (if that's even indian idk) but i've heard it's good when it's not made in the street with 0 sanitary care. have you found a specific recipe you want to try yet?
>>82779797
nice digits
>Sometimes I get the urge to learn Mandarin
not a bad urge to get i think, learning a language is a great way to utilize your time. though you might want to get lessons for chinese since it's really difficult. i don't blame you for wanting to escape the west honestly, it's hot garbage. though i wouldn't idolize china too much either.
>>82779825
i can't say i've ever felt the need to see a god, but from what i understood by talking with other religious people, isn't god everywhere at all times anyway? aren't you technically speaking to god each time you pray? i think religion also teaches you to try and be happy with the least amount, so instead of seeking for those deep experiences you might want to try and learn how to appreciate the more mundane ones more.

>>82779839
>that's nice, what do you like to cook usually?
smoked cut sausage

>>82779841
I uhh... have heterodox views on God and religion in general
I mentioned Hail Mary's and hymns, right? I'm not even Christian
>isn't god everywhere at all times anyway?
Of course! Here, there, everywhere!
>aren't you technically speaking to god each time you pray?
and He listens :)

Hold on, I'll post a few religious songs and you be the judge
>Catholic hymn
https://youtu.be/oKswaSECUMQ?si=gWmPrG9W1ZROGbmn
>Islamic sufi music
https://youtu.be/MG7U1ZO7yeQ?si=UXiXYiljo0OKgLE2
>Buddhist mantra
https://youtu.be/RAcE8U8SWlo?si=clqYYTnhOhF4-VkD
>Vedic chant
https://youtu.be/VP8Wv1P1NFE?si=o1BD_HMYTcQ2VRGB

>>82779839
Rubbing alcohol and homemade flamethrower. I'm getting good at vigilante nonsense but I can tell by the whites of my eyes that my days are numbered. Or i could just be paranoid from delerium tremens. I don't even know at this point.

>>82779839
>i hope you can get out of it soon
That means a lot thanks. I hope that you already have or soon will have some place to just sorta be too.

And the med thing is not really dangerous (sadly?). Its just sorta wasted and feels uncomfortable for a bit. Doesn't matter because no pill helps when you have family like this so i can waste everything how i want haha!

>>82779871
looks tasty. do you put anything to go with it like some veggies?
>>82779905
okay well i am not that versed in religions... i guess if i had to choose the coolest hymn i'd go with the catholic one just because it reminds me of gregorian chants from the medieval times and the crusades.
>>82779927
i don't think anyone is able to tell when they're about to die just by looking at their eyes anon, you should really get checked in with a doctor before doing anything. also interesting that you were able to make a flamethrower at home
>>82779936
>some place to just sorta be too.
i'd love to have my own place, it would bring me some kind of inner peace. do you already have an ideal home in your mind?
>Its just sorta wasted and feels uncomfortable for a bit
ah okay, well better than risking an overdose. even if it seems a really pleasant experience right now.

>>82779839
>would you have actually done anything in those hours?
I think so desu! I know it might seem wild but these days I can actually do productive things in the morning sometimes. And if nothing else at least I could have played some vidya or watched anime, which again to me is kind of a productive thing so... Do you never do anything productive in the mornings? I think you at least play guitar at those hours sometimes, don't you?

>if you slept that much it meant your body probably needed it.
I don't know about that... I would probably feel better now if I didn't sleep so much, now I'm kinda tired and feeling sad but before I was feeling a lot better when I woke up like 4 hours ago. If only I didn't get lured back into bed by those comfy blankets... Honestly sleeping too much makes you feel even worse than sleeping too little, I suppose you wouldn't know since it's probably been decades for you since you last slept too much rather than too little, but weirdly enough that's how it seems to work.

>you'll have a lot more games to choose from to play
Oh no! I already have analysis paralysis lol. And I generally like older games so I had plenty to choose from already honestly, just never got around to playing them or was too depressed to be motivated for it I suppose. But yeah maybe there'll be less crashes at least!
Do you have a big game backlog? I don't think backlogs ever actually decrease for me, it must be a fundamental law of space and time that the number of items in them must only go up.

>if daydreaming makes you happy i don't see a problem with it.
Yeah, I suppose it's a waste of time no different from everything else. I guess the best thing is to do it in moderation, too much of anything is bad really. It's so addictive though... when I'm feeling kind of bad it's one of the only things that reliably helps, even if only for a bit.

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>>82780044
>looks tasty. do you put anything to go with it like some veggies?
no, im boring and eat the shit raw, sometimes ill put onions for extra taste, but it tastes really good already by itself

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>>82780046
>>82779839
>do you think that might help your relationship with them?
I think that's a little backwards! In order to feel like it's even a possibility for me to cook for them, I would first need to have a decent relationship with them I think. Currently it seems completely out of the question, I would never feel comfortable doing something like that. They don't even know I cook things for myself, as far as my mom knows I only eat instant ramen and candy even though that hasn't been true for over 5 years (it was true before that though...). I have to hide the giant soup pot I use and all the spices and the frozen vegetables from the freezer and stash them in my closet under a bunch of stuff anytime she comes over in case she goes in the kitchen randomly lole. So yeah, something like cooking for them would have to come after a lot of other smaller things, if I can even do those. But thanks for thinking about it Anon, I appreciate that you're trying to help! It makes me feel a bit warm inside that you care enough about me to randomly have thoughts like that pop into your head hehe. I wish I didn't have to outright dismiss your idea like that but it's really just impossible for me to even see myself doing that as things stand right now, so yeah...


>just a slight headache
Well that's like the worst part in my opinion! I hope that passes soon too.

>pasta with tuna
Sounds delicious! I lub tuna, and it goes very well with pasta in my opinion. What's a not-fancy meal for you? For me it's taking a bite out of a plain stick of butter... or other similar things. So it's probably not as unfancy as you think!

>>82779841
>have you found a specific recipe you want to try yet?
yes chana masala curry
https://sirishaskitchen.blogspot.com/2010/04/chana-masala-chole.html

>>82780044
>do you already have an ideal home in your mind?
two rooms, quiet. Other than that i dunno. So far that is out of reach.
>even if it seems a really pleasant experience right now.
Its not. Firstly its just not a nice feeling and secondly, knowing that the second half of the day is going to be unmedicated is a terrible feeling.

>>82780046
>do productive things
hmm, may i get some examples? that aren't vidya and anime that is. i dont really do anything in the mornings no, they're mostly spent trying to mentally prepare myself for the rest of the day. i usually play guitar in the afternoon but today i played it in the morning too
> feeling a lot better
hmmm, then you gotta try and power through the need to stay in bed next time! think of all the things you could be missing out on if you don't get up, it might help.
>already have analysis paralysis
ah... well maybe a faster pc in general will be more enjoyable to use. and perhaps it'll give you motivation to try new things too now that you can
>a big game backlog
as in games that i've played or games that i own but haven't played yet? if its the latter i've got 9 games or so that i need to finish. not counting the free ones i get from epic games.
>It's so addictive though
it's always better than getting addicted to alcohol or drugs i think...
>I think that's a little backwards!
ah, i see. i didn't think it was that bad and that you needed to hide even your vegetables. oh well, i guess you can keep the idea in mind for when things get better!
>that's like the worst part
eh, im used to having headaches, the worst part for me is the constant running nose i get
>What's a not-fancy meal for you?
anything that i can make in under 10 minutes with minimal effort. frozen stuff, pasta with nothing but 1 sauce dumped in it, toasties, stuff like that i guess. i don't think i'd ever bit a stick of butter honestly, unless im starving to death
>>82780055
oh that seems tasty. hope you get to make that soon. i made some chicken curry the other day and it came it decent
>>82780102
>two rooms, quiet
well that's a start i guess. i don't particularly want anything fancy myself
>Its not
oh i meant overdosing being nice. as a joke, of course. maybe. uhm but yeah, perhaps you might have to find something else to numb yourself with for the rest of the day.

>>82780044
>coolest hymn
>catholic
very conservative, anon :D
but that's good, it's a pretty good hymm

>>82780242
>i don't particularly want anything fancy myself
well what would you like?
I guess actually owning something would be nice. Imagine some small cabin or shed in some semi remote location. Updated my answer yeah.
>uhm but yeah, perhaps you might have to find something else to numb yourself with for the rest of the day.
i don't have the money for that amount of alcohol and it would come back to bite me in the ass sooner or later.

>>82780251
i do like my deus vults
>>82780047
i can't say i'd eat a raw sausage myself but uh, whatever works for you anon. i hate using onions because cutting them is painful
>>82780351
>well what would you like?
basically what you said. a nice cabin on the mountains. doesn't have to be huge, just big enough to be comfortable
>for that amount of alcohol
oh well maybe that's a good thing. is there really nothing else that could help? maybe music or i dunno, even just sleeping the entire time if you can do that.

>>82779466 (OP)
i made a chicken gringa yesterday, it was very good. i might make another one today if i puke up my breakfast for the calories

>>82780242
>may i get some examples?
Well applying to more jobs for one, but also I could have set up the appointment for the blood labs, drafted up a shopping list for tomorrow, written down some things for me to talk about with the new therapist on Monday, or maybe ordered some stuff for that art thing I talked about before (though I reallllllllyy dread it so I'm probably gonna procrastinate on that for ages...). That's the sort of stuff I do in the mornings usually, which is weird because I used to be exactly like you and dreaded the day so much that I couldn't do anything but try to relax as much as possible in the mornings. I don't know how or when that changed honestly.
Is there anything productive you need to do these days or do you mostly play vidya because you have nothing better to spend time on?

>i usually play guitar in the afternoon
Ah right, I guess it is the afternoon for you already when I usually wake up. Good job on playing in the morning today then!

>think of all the things you could be missing out on
I did!! It was still not enough, the desire to lie in bed a little longer won out... I'm such a sleepyhead sometimes... you should give me some of your insomnia, I might actually benefit from it! Or not, I bet it would just make me take longer to fall asleep in the evening and still sleep in in the morning.

>more enjoyable to use.
Probably! At least I won't have to close my browsers anymore to clear up some free memory. I bet if I end up trying new games though I'm just gonna spend a bunch of time trying to optimize the graphics settings to get them to run as well as possible instead of actually playing... that's pretty much what I did when I got this GPU back when I got it. I don't think I actually played a single game that needed it since then lole. Doesn't help that most modern games really don't interest me much at all...

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>>82780497
>>82780242
>games that i own but haven't played
Neither, but closer to this one! I meant games you own or don't own but plan to/want to eventually play. For me that's like at least 30 games and they've been on my list for years...
9 is really not too bad! I don't know how you manage to actually play through the things you buy... Also I collect free stuff on Epic too! Have been for years. I wonder if there's anything good in there we could play together. Most of them are not stuff I'd be interested in really but they do give away very good stuff sometimes. I have played through about 10% of 1 (one) of the 522 games I have on there so far... (wat the heck is it really this many..... that's more games than I could play in 10 lifetimes...)

>better than getting addicted to alcohol
Indeed, but at least with those it's easier to resist if you don't have any in the house! But I always have my brain with me so there's always the temptation to daydream...

>didn't think it was that bad
You underestimate how screwed in the head I am heh. But yeah, I'd like to try cooking for someone in the future so if things get better I'd do it for them! But that's a bit if unfortunately... I don't have much hope these days that things will get better in this respect. You cook for your mom sometimes right? I can't remember if I asked this already or not.

>used to having headaches
Does that make it better? I don't know if being used to it really helps much... but in any case, a runny nose is certainly pretty annoying as well! And if you blow your nose too much it gets all sore, very frustrating.

>frozen stuff,
Hmmm I see! Pretty reasonable for when you're not feeling great. I'm often way too lazy to even heat something up, so I just eat cold stuff... Would you say you are lazy Taonon? I wonder sometimes what that word means. It feels like we are either all lazy as humans, or no one is. But it's hard to tell if I'm lazy or just depressed. I wonder what the difference is.

>>82779466 (OP)
been a hikki for most of my life, started university this year, I've probably interacted with more girls this last month than I have my whole life, I kinda feel like they're not as horrible as they're made out to be. I understand this is just surface level interaction though.

anyway, what does it mean to feel no sexual desire for a girl but still want talk with her? I realize I am dysfunctional

>>82780454
>oh well maybe that's a good thing.
Don't make me sound like a alcoholic heh. A bottle a day is not even that much. I could sell one or two things and live in complete drunken bliss for a month or two. But im not, so im not alcoholic!
>is there really nothing else that could help? maybe music or i dunno, even just sleeping the entire time if you can do that.
I already mentioned this a couple of times this place does not welcome things that need focus. At most i can wait for the wageslaves to go to work and then i have a little bit of quiet.
Im actually a bit hopeful about tomorrow so we'll see. Maybe i will do something actually nice then.

>>82780490
uh, well i hope you don't puke anon, but good job on making that chicken yesterday! do you cook often?
>>82780497
>That's the sort of stuff I do
humu, very productive indeed anon, way better than what i do in the mornings. well you better wake up early and do all that tomorrow then! also you're making me more and more curious about this art thing desu.
>Is there anything productive you need to do
study for my tests... gah...
>playing in the morning today then
honestly i've just been having a blast trying to learn that cyberpunk song. this morning i tried to tackle the part where he starts strumming with his hands and it's giving me some issues.
>still not enough
hmm.. well you can't post in my threads if you're in bed! wait no you can actually. nevermind. and i'd give you all of my insomnia if i could anon, don't tempt me... you wouldn't benefit much from it though.
>won't have to close my browsers anymore to clear up some free memory
this is giving me ptsd from when i used to play with those awful laptops years ago...
>games you own or don't own but plan to play
oh, in that case the list expands greatly. i think i have around 40 games on my wishlist. i dont really manage to play any new games i get unless they really capture my attention though... reason why i left so many unfinished.
>I'd like to try cooking for someone in the future
i believe in you anon, you can get better! and yes i do cook for my mom sometimes, though she's following a diet so she always prefers to cook for herself nowdays.
>that make it better
kind of? if youre used to a certain kind of pain eventually you're able to ignore it as long as you're doing something else, or are in bigger pain due to something different
>Would you say you are lazy
sure, to an extent everyone is. but like you said it's hard to tell when im being lazy and when it's depression preventing me from doing things. and more often than not i always end up blaming myself and hating my guts when i dont do something.

>>82780512
nice work getting out of your shell anon, it's not easy! and yeah, it's not as bad as it seems to talk with others irl, it's just nothing to be excited about either though.
>what does it mean to feel no sexual desire for a girl but still want talk with her?
that you just enjoy their company and want to be friends? it's not something so unusual you know. you don't always have to end up having sex with people you like. there's more to life than just that
>>82780542
>A bottle a day is not even that much
say that to your liver anon... but yeah, it's good that you're not turning into a drunkard. nice job!
>this place does not welcome things that need focus
ah, i see that makes sense. a shame really, it sucks. what's going to happen tomorrow?

>>82780661
>uh, well i hope you don't puke anon
why not
>do you cook often?
i only cook when i have energy which is rare.

>>82780669
>what's going to happen tomorrow?
Monday.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of five days where i have around half a day per day to be myself and five days of entitled wageslave tears.
I'd rather have the entire day to be myself but knowing that my biases reflect reality is nice too.

>>82780677
>why not
it's not exactly a fun experience is it?
>when i have energy
yeah i get that. what's your favorite dish to make? the chicken gringa?
>>82780780
ah, never thought mondays could be so pleasant... well, i hope you can enjoy those days in the fullest! what are you going to be doing? just trying to relax at home playing some vidya or something to that extent?
i guess now that i think about it when i was a neet years ago i also liked mondays because it meant my mom wouldn't be home in the morning and i could just relax without having her annoy me every 5 seconds

>>82780869
>it's not exactly a fun experience is it?
i mean, i prefer it to overeating
>yeah i get that. what's your favorite dish to make? the chicken gringa?
gringas in general are really easy to make so when i can, they are my go-to. if i have patience i will make rice for onigiri and make an easy filling instead

>>82780661
>well you better wake up early and do all that tomorrow then!
Or this evening. But I'm always so tired in the evening these days... I think it's probably these meds, they do make me get tired sooner. I guess it's kind of a good thing because I don't have to lie in bed for over an hour to fall asleep anymore, but on the other hand it makes it hard to get anything done in the evening.

>also you're making me more and more curious about this art thing desu.
Ah sorries I should really probably say what it is but it's so embarrassing! Ah well I'll probably try it and realize it's way too hard and give up and then I can tell you about it. Do you feel intense dread when you have to do something scary and hard too? I don't know why it's so bad for me... it literally feels like a gut punch the moment I even think about it. Same thing with other stuff like exploring different fashion styles or getting into more hobbies. I wonder if it's because those things sort of define you as a person to some degree, and I'm very afraid of that because I want to be an unnoticeable grey rock.

>study for my tests... gah...
Anooon you have a math test tomorrow! You'd better do some studying in-between replies instead of playing TF2!

>having a blast trying to learn that cyberpunk song
I'm happy to hear you're having a blast! It's nice that an Anon suggested that song to you desu. It's a pretty catchy tune, especially that intro part, so I can see why you're enjoying it! But honestly the intro part looks harder than the strumming, although that's probably because on camera it just looks like he's magically waving his hand in front of the strings and it makes good sounds. Regardless I hope you can figure that part out too!

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>>82780957
>>82780661
>well you can't post in my threads if you're in bed! wait no you can actually.
Not really desu, I hate phoneposting! And thankfully in this case, I don't have a laptop. Your thread is the only reason I got up when I did I think hehe. Otherwise I would have probably spent a couple more hours rotting in bed.

>i'd give you all of my insomnia
All is a bit much!! I'll take just some of it please and thank you!

>ptsd from when i used to play with those awful laptops
Heh. It sucks for me especially because I have so many tabs open usually... or maybe it's a good thing or else I'd amass even more tabs I guess. Are you a tab hoarder too or do you close them once you don't need them? I bet you're the latter huh since you're a pretty organized person...

>i think i have around 40 games on my wishlist.
Ah, that's more like it! Still, that's not that many, I would have expected more like 200 for someone who plays games as much as you do. So I think you're doing quite good in terms of completing stuff from your wishlist! I barely ever game and I still have nearly as many on mine. I do have the same problem of not finishing games as you, for some reason it's especially common for me to play through like 90% of the game but just be totally unable to finish the end. And I really hate that! It really, really bothers me when I don't finish something so I think this problem is also part of why I don't start very many games. I want to commit to finishing them but I know I'm almost guaranteed not to... there's a game I've replayed twice now and both times I came within 90% of the end and didn't finish it...
Does it bother you a lot when you leave games unfinished? How are you able to start new ones anyway despite that?

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>>82780965
>>82780661
>i believe in you anon, you can get better!
Thank you Anon! But I don't know if I can believe you sadly.. I'm very skeptical these days. I had hope before I started therapy (therapy was the hope), but now that I've been through a couple therapists and none have helped at all, I really do wonder if it's fixable... even moving out didn't really help...

>she's following a diet
Ah I see... well it's nice that you get to cook for someone at least once in a while! I imagine it's a very nice feeling to have someone eat the food you made, especially if they end up liking it. That's probably one of the most enjoyable things about cooking, I would think.

>eventually you're able to ignore it
Yeahhhh.... that sounds about right, so it really isn't great still. I hope you can fix your sleep issues soon Anon, because I'm guessing your frequent headaches also stem from that. I definitely get them if I don't get enough sleep. Or maybe you're not drinking enough water? Dehydration headaches are a thing too.

>i always end up blaming myself and hating my guts when i dont do something.
Same... that's kind of why I want to know the difference, maybe if there was some objective way to tell what's laziness and what's depression, I could at least try not to blame myself if it's the latter. But more and more I lean towards me just being a lazy person, because even when I'm feeling good I usually don't get much done. And it sucks because I don't want to be a lazy person! Lazy and selfish are like the two things I'd hate to be the most, and yet I'm pretty sure I'm both of those.

>>82780869
>what are you going to be doing? just trying to relax at home playing some vidya or something to that extent?
I played a lot of vidya not too long ago but i just don't feel like it anymore. Dunno to be honest. Every hobby has been cut as a cost saving measure (0 impact so far lol) so either rotting online (don't feel like it), something creative, or advancing in the 'moving out' thing. To be honest i don't even really know what i can do at home for that besides looking at the job listings and crying because the stuff that doesn't sound like hell only pays a couple of hundred bucks above the existential minimum. If i picked one of those I'd be a terminal poorfag in 5 or 10 years (at most) anyways. Im apparently entitled in job related help at the clinic however, but like always it takes months to even get started. Still something to explore tomorrow i think.
>my mom wouldn't be home in the morning and i could just relax without having her annoy me every 5 seconds
Its sort of an exception but she is at home for a bit. So i will have somebody slamming the door open constantly without knocking but its still better than today.

>hmmm, well, i don't know, mike. there's always someone else out there if you're looking for "the one". it takes a lot of time to find someone who fulfills you in the way that actually matters, not just sex. just don't give up and eventually you'll find someone who's fully compatible with your needs and desires. if this girl doesn't suit you, surely someone else certainly will.
it's a long and treacherous journey, but i wish the best of luck for you, one day you won't need this god forsaken site anymore

No, there's no replacement for a soulmate.

>Mike, are you okay? I don't see a lot of your threads but from the ones I do see, it seems that lately you seem different. You seem more sad. I'm not judging you or mocking you, I'm just worried about you.

I am sad. Thank you for your care.

She came over again yesterday

A part of me hoped that I wouldn't feel like I was underwater after.

Maybe sex would make a difference.

Date went well, went as expected..
She had a great time. Beaming and all. Didn't want to go back to hers.

I still felt underwater after

I just feel like part me is dead. I close my eyes and I feel m and hear what she's saying. She's upset. It's upsetting.

I don't want this

It's the difference of what means everything to me. It's still incredible to me how simple it was during the time. It just is, you know? Tired of feeling that hollow spot, underwater. Tired of the hurt.

>>82780919
>prefer it to overeating
how much eating is overeating for you? i know you probably know it already but a lot of the times it's only your brain telling you youre eating too much and you'll get fat
>they are my go-to
well they do look pretty tasty too honestly. i might just try to make some myself.
>i will make rice for onigiri
ohh those are nice! do you shape them yourself or use a stamp? i never tried making one weirdly enough. perhaps i should. what kind of filling do you put in them usually?
>>82780957
>I don't have to lie in bed for over an hour to fall asleep anymore
im so jealous...
>intense dread when you have to do something scary and hard too?
well yeah, otherwise it wouldn't b scary or hard. but we need to power through that and do it anyways. but i dunno, maybe all you want in life is to be a rock then not doing anything might just be the right choice. can't guarantee that will make you happy though.
>You'd better do some studying
but the contracts... think of the halloween hats...
>the intro part looks harder than the strumming
in my experience playing different chords in sequence has always been harder than just plucking a few strings. and also i've never strummed with my hands before, i tried doing it with a pick and it's a LOT easier, but it just doesn't sound the same.
>the only reason I got up when I did
i didn't know my threads could hold so much power...
>do you close them once you don't need them?
i close everything as soon as i don't need it. i genuinely cannot stand having more than a few tabs open at once unless i REALLY need all of them. i have no idea how you maniacs can have 100 tabs open at once, it hurts me just to know theres people like you out there
>And I really hate that! It really, really bothers me when I don't finish something
yeah it's the same for me too... i think we might get burned out by the game and then try to finish it quickly but can't, and we end up never going back to it ever again. least that's how it feels

>>82780965
>How are you able to start new ones anyway despite that?
that's not really a problem because i don't have money to buy new ones anyway.
>I don't know if I can believe you sadly..
i don't really expect you to, desu. its fine, life is all about trying things until something stick. therapy and moving out didn't work, so try something else until you find what does.
>I imagine it's a very nice feeling to have someone eat the food you made
it is, it makes me happy to know something i cooked made someone else happy. i got complimented the other day at school when i made those pastas and it made me feel pretty good. i also got a grade btw, 7/2 out of 10, which is not bad i guess.
>Or maybe you're not drinking enough water?
i have a bottle on my desk though i do forget to fill it quite often... so maybe it's partly that too
>Lazy and selfish are like the two things I'd hate to be the most
yeah, me too. i also hate it when others call me lazy. it's like part of me knows they're right but it still annoys me when someone that doesn't have to go through mental gymnastics everyday just to not throw himself off the window has the audacity to say im lazy.
>>82780988
>Every hobby has been cut as a cost saving measure
that sucks. looking at job listings fills me with immense dread personally. i still send applications out but god it feels awful to do so. it's like looking at a list of tortures and trying to find the less painful one. i hope that clinic job works out for you tomorrow anon
>i will have somebody slamming the door open constantly without knocking
god that is so annoying... no matter how many times i ask my mom to knock she never does and never closes the door after shes done spewing whatever bs she has to say. unironically that alone is giving me almost enough motivation to go live on my own in a shitty apartment. almost. did she do something particularly bad today? it's fine if you dont wanna go in the details.

>>82781154
>how much eating is overeating for you?
over 1500 calories
>well they do look pretty tasty too honestly. i might just try to make some myself.
they are quite good, i hope you like them if you give them a try
>do you shape them yourself or use a stamp?
i use a stamp, less times i have to wash my hands the better imo
>what kind of filling do you put in them usually?
mix canned tuna + mayo or cream cheese

>>82779466 (OP)
well this day would've been too good if i didn't sleep for 16 hours, so hello again, taonon and everyone else
how are you doing today?

>>82781164
>i hope that clinic job works out for you tomorrow anon
i meant more like do a little research about that thing. I was told by a head psychiatrist (if i got that title correct) that i should pursue a diagnosis because the underlying condition restricts my job opportunities thus i would get a more specialized treatment. so I'd imagine that having that stuff on paper in combination with visiting a actual therapy center that is also specialized for people like me (soon(tm) ) would help me find something fitting. But i wanna research because if all they do is send spammail like the job office did then there is no point in even asking. The next appointment is right at the end of the month tho.
>no matter how many times i ask
Imagine going through this with everybody else and every topic imaginable. Even worse even you know that they know how you feel and how little work (or lack there of) would be enough to improve things immensely but they still lie and gaslight like the shit eating snakes they are, that being civilized and polite is a unrealistic standard and that you are the problem. 99% of my motivation to move out comes from this. But at the same time its so demotivating too.
>she do something particularly bad today?
Not she but somebody else. You are always supposed to be quiet when they are sleeping, at midday too btw, but apparently they felt the need to be loud as fuck on a sunday morning and really really felt the need to slam my door shut so their noise would affect me less , which is really considerate btw. Doesn't help if im already awake for an hour, because of them, early in a sunday morning and when the door is FUCKING SLAMMED SHUT.
This alone is not hell yet but when you add the countless times i pleaded for things to be quieter and for the others to show a little consideration and everybody needing fulfill others needs but not mine its a really really upsetting thing. I'd rather have drain cleaner put in my coffee than experience this shit.

Got my heart broken recently and it's a weird feeling. It was a silly crush but it I'm still a bit crushed? But honestly, it made me feel alive mostly. I also feel like I gained my first true real friend in a LONG time since he's not interested in me. I don't have any friends but he seems sincere..I'm weirdly okay with it all and in pain at the same time. Was really distracted at work today too. Btw today I had a crispy yellow apple with vanilla tea and it was amazing, I'm gonna have pumpkin and eggplant tonight, I love autumn.

>>82781463
>things to be quieter and for the others
there is supposed to be a comma somewhere or the meaning is sorta different. Actually lots of commas are neglected and abandoned but my brain shut off a couple of hours ago so idk. I want to sleep but the others are awake so im still posting yaay.

i suddenly feel so damn stressed and it's really bothering me

>>82781196
>over 1500 calories
anon, you know that the average daily intake of calories is 2k right?
>i hope you like them if you give them a try
i'll be sure to let you know once i make them if you post in my threads again!
>i use a stamp
understandable desu i hate when my hands get sticky
>mix canned tuna + mayo or cream cheese
niceu i usually put that in my sandwiches.
>>82781354
hello anon, im doing fine i guess? i dont know. i feel weird now. how was it sleeping for that long? are you going to do anything now?
>>82781463
>visiting a actual therapy center
humu, i understand. are you going to try and get diagnosed then? i also recon having a piece of paper that certifies you're not okay is going to help. i mean at least i hope, it's the main reason why i want to get diagnosed. in any case, good luck with that, and with the therapy center if you end up going there. what kind of place would that even be?
>Imagine going through this with everybody else
yeah, it seems like hell anon, im sorry you gotta deal with it. have a virtual hug. *hug
let's both get out of this bad place as soon as we can
>I'd rather have drain cleaner put in my coffee than experience this shit
i dont blame you really, i wouldn't be able to put up with such assholes everyday. ugh, is there really nothing left you can try to get some peace? i'd say even getting earplugs at this point might be an idea. i used to have them at work to block out the noise. still, it sucks you even have to resort to doing that...
>>82781599
it's nice that you're able to see the bright side despite getting your heart broken anon, it's really not an easy thing to do! so don't let the bad feelings take over! like you said at least now you got a good friend. the pain will subside eventually and you'll be okay. ganbare!
>crispy yellow apple
that does sound really tasty! i also love autumn, it's my favorite season of the year. what's your opinion on halloween?

>>82781154
>im so jealous...
Well hopefully you'll be able to achieve that soon enough as well! Actually on this point, I think I just realized why I slept 12 hours again... it's not a coincidence that I binge-ate a bunch of sunflower seeds the day before both times, is it? Sunflower seeds actually have a lot of magnesium in them, which is one of the most important nutrients for sleep if I remember correctly. So if you can (and if sunflower seeds are cheap in Italy, I have no idea but they are relatively affordable here) maybe buy a bunch and try eating them all in one day to see if it helps with your sleep? If it does it could be that you have a slight magnesium deficiency. Or I guess hopefully the doctor you have an appointment with will make you take a blood test too and then you can see if you're deficient in anything. Considering you mostly eat pasta which isn't super nutrient dense, and you don't eat a lot in general, I think it's very likely you have some deficiency and that might be causing your sleep issues.

>otherwise it wouldn't b scary or hard.
But for it to be this scary... I think I'd rather do a parachute jump than this, and trust me I have no desire to go parachute jumping. How do you power through this stuff? How have you done so much with your life (compared to me anyway) when you used to be a NEET too... I dunno, it still kind of amazes me. It's like you just have so much more willpower than me. Why do you care to fight against the entropy of life so much when life seems to have so little to offer in return?

>can't guarantee that will make you happy though.
Unfortunately nothing can guarantee happiness... but I guess this does remind me of the intro from that VN again, I should at least try to work towards happiness instead of expecting it to fall into my lap... what did you think of that BTW? I think it might be my favorite intro to any VN, I teared up again watching it the other day because of how close to home it hits.

Cont.

Cont.


>>82781752
>>82781154
>think of the halloween hats...
Haha don't you have enough cosmetics already? I imagine you're so spoiled for choice you don't even know what to use. Sadly, (or maybe it's for the better especially given how many games try to exploit this) I never cared much for cosmetics in games, I'm fine just never customizing anything. I kind of hate this about myself though, it makes me feel like an NPC and like I have zero personality.

>different chords in sequence has always been harder than just plucking a few strings.
Ah right... chords. That scary word. Yeah, now that I think about it, it does seem incredibly hard to play chords on a guitar. Well on a piano too but even more so on a guitar I imagine. And you need to do it in quick succession too, one after the other... I see why you're struggling with it. It just looks easier when you're watching it from the side and can't see how much precision and dexterity it requires I guess.
Interesting that it's easier with a pick for you, I suppose you're just used to that so it feels natural, but usually I would expect doing something with your plain fingers to always be easier than doing the same thing with a tool of some kind. Using a tool is like growing another hand or finger or something and having to get used to moving it.

>i didn't know my threads could hold so much power...
They do Anon! Thanks again for making 'em. The weekend wouldn't be the same without them!

>i genuinely cannot stand having more than a few tabs open
Hahah, I knew it!!!! Of course you are like this, you are like exactly the person I wish I were heh. You're making me envious again. I think I have around 300 tabs open, most of them are unloaded of course but I restore them every time I open Firefox again. I don't know why I bother with that, I'm probably never going to go back to those tabs... but it feels like history at this point and I don't want to get rid of them all...

Cont.

>>82781726
is there something specific that is stressing you now anon?
>anon, you know that the average daily intake of calories is 2k right?
yes
>i'll be sure to let you know once i make them if you post in my threads again!
i have posted in a few so i will probably post in another few unless the state of esfores makes me quit this website again
>niceu i usually put that in my sandwiches.
thats what i grew up with too, that and tuna rice bowls

Cont.

>>82781758
>>82781154
>burned out by the game
That might be it. I don't know how to stop it though, if I try to play less I also just end up abandoning the game. It sucks, I wish I could finish things. With anime it's not as much of an issue at least usually.

>>82781164
>try something else until you find what does.
Hmm well as you are aware I'm sure there's only so many things you can try until you run out... and it feels like I'm getting to that point. I guess we'll see how things are after I get a job, but I don't have much hope it'll change anything.

>i got complimented the other day at school
Nice! I'm glad cooking for others makes you feel happy, that's a very positive and fulfilling thing. Hopefully you have more experiences like that in store since you're gonna become a chef!

>7/2 out of 10
Not bad! Thanks for telling me about it, it's nice your teacher graded it this time desu. What sort of things made it not a 10/10? I have no idea how cooking can really be graded even, was it mostly judged by the final product or did the teacher grade you on your technique and whatnot as you cooked as well?

>so maybe it's partly that too
Take care not to forget then Anonny! It's worth it if it means you'd have fewer headaches. Don't drink too much either though or that can wash out all your sodium which can give you a headache too...

>someone that doesn't have to go through mental gymnastics everyday
I know right!? It's so frustrating when they can't understand that we're struggling with so many things... I guess it's because those struggles are mostly invisible. Really sucks that it has to be this way.

>>82781726
>i suddenly feel so damn stressed and it's really bothering me
Ahh that really sucks Anon! It's the worst when you just randomly start to feel bad. Can you not figure out what caused it? Try to listen to some relaxing music and just take a breather for a bit, maybe? *hug*

>>82781726
> i dont know. i feel weird now.
what's up, taonon? are you still sick?
>how was it sleeping for that long?
i was trying really hard to get out of bed, and i would even wake up from time to time, but could never find strength to get out of bed.
>are you going to do anything now?
i mean, not really... i don't have anything to do right now. work is two days away, so i can do jack shit for now. dreaming of getting my paycheck, probably.

>>82779466 (OP)
>hey anone
Hi anon. How're you?
>are you okay?
Yeah, sipping hard-candy flavored juice and munching on sugared dried mango pieces.
>do you want to talk about something?
I keep finding people on here who are in bad mental situations and feel helpless. I try to keep a positive outlook, but some people are dug way to deep down into their issues/heads and are blind to the solution; how can you help someone who's not willing to help themselves? I can't seem to help them. Or they've already tried all options I could think of, and are still stuck; with me not having the knowledge or resources to help them in any meaningful way. It saddens me, and makes me thankful for not having it as bad as they have it.
>have you eaten anything delicious lately?
Well, my credit card's released, so I've eaten my usual bacon-topped pizza from my favorite place, which was good. Apart for that I've been eating frozen proccessed food for the last few days, which is definitely not good for me. Did you make anything delicious lately?

>>82781726
>are you going to try and get diagnosed then?
wasn't my original plan but it seems like its the only war. Dunno if its like this in general but my psychiatrist is sorta hesitant when it comes to this. But now i got a little push by the department head so there is really no reason to delay. They even were there as a replacement when the original guy was sick and assumed that i already was diagnosed and at a specialized therapy center. lol, i wish.
>what kind of place would that even be?
from what i could gather from their websites its basically integration into society for autists. Which both my psychiatrist and the other one are pretty sure i have.
>let's both get out of this bad place as soon as we can
yeah. I pray for it.
>ugh, is there really nothing left you can try to get some peace?
A bottle of liquor!
>i'd say even getting earplugs at this point might be an idea.
Those never helped. My grandma suggested i use some when i was little because a fluorescent light was keeping me up but no. Especially now that the issue has greatly increased they would help even less.

And its not like im imagining things. Whenever i was at my grandmas place where there actually was peace and quiet i was always so much happier and forgot all the bad things. Same goes for when the others are away on vacation.

I wonder if they will ever understand or if they do, take things into consideration..

>>82781726
>i suddenly feel so damn stressed and it's really bothering me
Also did something just happen? Remembered something important but bad and immediately forgot it? I hope it goes away soon and if not, its already getting slowly getting dark and you know that sleep is a magic cure.

oh, and good luck with your own diagnosis too!

>>82781752
>eating them all in one day
huh, are you sure my stomach is going to be okay? im not a parrot... i definitely do have some kind of deficiency. i can't know for sure though since i've never taken a blood test in my entire life...
>power through this stuff?
i simply don't care if it's hard. really, i dont have any other way to explain it. life is suffering anyway, why not suffer some more if there's a chance something good might come out of it?
>Why do you care to fight
crawling into a ball and crying, waiting for death to take me, isn't how i want to go. if im going to die i will do it only after i have been broken enough times that i can never get up again. i still have some pride and giving up to the corrupted system is not happening as long as i have it in me.
>what did you think of that
it was pretty relatable honestly
>I kind of hate this about myself
>makes me feel like an NPC and like I have zero personality
hm, and yet a few replies above you said you wanted to be that way. so which one is it?
>same thing with a tool of some kind
weren't tools invented exactly to make things easier to do though?
>around 300 tabs open
this brings me mental anguish... how even...
>don't know how to stop it
neither do i anon, neither do i. i wish i could enjoy games as much as i used to in the past.
>feels like I'm getting to that point
but you aren't there yet. so worry about it once you're there it's pointless to do so beforehand.
>What sort of things
other than speed and technique (i kind of made a mess around my workstation) i think he judges the ability to do things on your own the most. so knowing what ingredients you need, how to make the dish on your own without having to ask the teacher for help. i was mostly independent the whole time
>or that can wash out all your sodium
im really not good with this water thing...
>sucks that it has to be this way
it does. but what can you do really. there's no point in even getting angry with them about it.

>>82781767
>>82781762
>Can you not figure out what caused it
>is there something specific that is stressing you now anon?
not sure, i believe i started thinking about dying a little too much and that sent me into alert mode or something. i guess i feel better now? i felt really awful for a few minutes and now im fine. god i hate this so much.
>yes
then you are not overeating you dummy. stop worrying about it. easier said than done yes i know.
>the state of esfores
i wonder what even prompted this basedjack invasion. well not like before then it was THAT much better but wcyd
>tuna rice bowls
i used to eat those everyday when i worked out religiously last year lole. easiest thing to meal prep
>>82781873
>are you still sick?
physically? not as much. mentally? you bet!
>but could never find strength to get out of bed
ah that sucks. a lot of the times im too hyperactive for that to happen to me desu. but i have found that putting yourself in a really uncomfortable position helps with wanting to get up
>dreaming of getting my paycheck, probably
that makes sense. are you looking forward to buy something with it?
>>82781935
>Hi anon. How're you?
hello. im alive. that is nice i think. glad to see you are alive and well too hm.
>how can you help someone who's not willing to help themselves?
you can't. no one saves anyone else: we only help them save themselves. if someone doesn't want to be saved, then you just can't do it by yourself. don't feel too bad about it anon. just having the good intention to help, and showing you're there in case they change their mind, is enough for some people to feel some relief.
>bacon-topped pizza
you really are making me want to give that thing a try honestly. hm, i haven't made anything since i was sick for a few days, just pasta.

>>82781944
>but it seems like its the only war
humu, i hope it doesnt take ages for you to get it then, and that it actually does help you achieve something.
>integration into society for autists
that makes it seem like it's some really evil thing. like it sounds bad somehow. i dont know it's probably nothing serious but it kinda just sounds dystopian in a way to me. oh well. i hope it helps you a lot anon
>A bottle of liquor!
hey that was MY idea!!!
>Those never helped
ah... that's a bummer. hm, just try to keep in mind your grandmas place whenever you feel bad. perhaps it'll help you a bit somehow. think of how awesome it will be once you'll finally be able to feel some peace and quiet! you'll make it until then im sure.
>if they will ever understand
i dont think so. but, perhaps they might learn to start taking you more seriously if you get your piece of paper.
>Remembered something important but bad and immediately forgot it?
yeah. something like that i think. it's like i got stabbed all of the sudden. i hate when this happens i was doing fine just a minute ago. i really hate how my mental stability is so damn fragile.
>good luck with your own diagnosis too!
thanks! at the end of this month ill be talking with my doc and i'll see what he tells me to do

>>82779466 (OP)
samefaggoteering across the thread are we? you yearn for meds....fag.

>>82782071
>not sure, i believe i started thinking about dying a little too much and that sent me into alert mode or something
hm, some sort of panic attack? i sometimes get things like that
>then you are not overeating you dummy. stop worrying about it. easier said than done yes i know
i dont want to ever be over 59kg again
>wonder what even prompted this basedjack invasion. well not like before then it was THAT much better but wcyd
probably just some bored children, there doesnt seem to be many of them, very low strength

>>82782075
>>but it seems like its the only war
uff how could i mistype 'y' when 'r' is not even next to it.
>humu, i hope it doesnt take ages for you to get it then, and that it actually does help you achieve something.
thanks and i hope so too. This has been very slow so far.
>i dont know it's probably nothing serious but it kinda just sounds dystopian in a way to me
just teaches the things people tend to struggle with considering my parents never even bothered i really do need help with some of these things.
>hey that was MY idea!!!
great minds think alike.... or something
What sort of stuff do you drink btw? I really regret not stocking up last time i was at the store now.
>just try to keep in mind your grandmas place whenever you feel bad. perhaps it'll help you a bit somehow
I'll try. It was a pretty nice place after all. She had such a cute cat too. Cats that belong to grandmas are just built different i think.

>at the end of this month ill be talking with my doc and i'll see what he tells me to do
I wanted to give some advice but its not different from last time. Just be yourself and don't mask.
Good luck!

>>82779466 (OP)
I'm doing fine, I had some donuts this morning and spicy chicken nuggets for dinner. Behold the Italian Crested Newt! Crested newts are some of the coolest animals out of Europe. Their species name is really cool too, "carnifex". They're Triturus carnifex. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_crested_newt

>>82782065
>stomach is going to be okay?
Depends on how much you eat! You can get diarrhea from too much magnesium so don't overdo it either. But it's just something you could try if you want I suppose, don't take advice from me though since I'm no doctor.

>never taken a blood test
Huh, what the heck? I'm kinda envious I guess, I'd rather not have taken any either... but they made us do it in elementary school I think. Terrifying memories. In any case it's very good you called that doctor then, I'm a little more hopeful that you can solve your sleep issues now! Or at least it's very likely that getting rid of some deficiencies will help a bit with it.

>i simply don't care
Hm, well, that is a bit of a superpower indeed! I suppose the issue is that for me, life isn't as much suffering as it could be still... when I'm just spacing out and daydreaming, life doesn't feel so bad. And going from that state into a more productive one is just so painful... Do you have any issues going from one state of being to another as well? Like, going from browsing 4chan to playing guitar, or from playing guitar to playing video games. That kind of stuff always throws me off for some reason.

>isn't how i want to go
Maybe that's the problem then... see, I don't know if I care about that at all. If I'm gonna die in the end who cares anyway. I'd just rather it not be painful and be quick, I guess. Maybe I should try to feel more pride, but I guess I just don't care enough for myself to feel that way. I wish I had someone or at least some cause that I cared enough about that it would motivate me to fight against the suffering...

>it was pretty relatable honestly
Dang, for you too huh... I guess you did have those NEET years where you weren't like you are now I suppose. Well and you'd say even now your pockets aren't exactly full of happiness... but to me at least it seems like they are full of experiences and memories, if nothing else. Mine are still mostly empty.

Cont.

Cont.

>>82782314
>>82782065
>so which one is it?
Both! It's always both with me, I'm super conflicted on everything. It's yet another reason I struggle to do anything I guess, I'm always getting pulled in two (or more) directions and usually just end up giving up and defaulting to doing nothing. I hate having zero personality but I also feel safer this way because it'd be really scary to try to develop one. I guess I should try to do the scary thing but knowing that doesn't stop a part of me from pulling really hard on me to not move in that direction.

>weren't tools invented exactly to make things easier to do though?
I suppose so, but you still have to learn how to use the tool first. I guess hands can be viewed as a tool too, we just learn to use them first and have the most experience with them, so that's why we're so agile with them I suppose.

>this brings me mental anguish... how even...
Haha... I have tabs going back to like 5 years ago I think... I-I'll go through and sort them eventually I swear!!

>worry about it once you're there
That makes sense... but I hate doing something that is my last hope because then once I've done that thing I have no hope left anymore... and I don't like feeling doomed at all. That's why I usually worry about things beforehand and try to find some other thing I could try so that what I'm trying in the moment isn't the last hope.

>ability to do things on your own
I see, makes sense for a chef to need that ability! And speed is something I didn't think about, but that checks out too, you need to be quick in a restaurant! Good job on being mostly independent then Anon!

>im really not good with this water thing
Me neither... I only know these things from experience...

>i guess i feel better now?
Well, that's good I suppose, but I pray an emotional rollercoaster like this doesn't happen again anytime soon. They're not a fun ride...

>>82782279
Hi Animal Anon! Nice to see you here.

>>82782330
>Hi Animal Anon! Nice to see you here.
Hello, hello anon. You'll have to forgive me for not recognizing you though. I'm terrible with that and heavily reliant on people using avatars. Also, a spooky amphibian for October :)

>>82782105
whar?
>>82782129
>some sort of panic attack?
hm, perhaps i dont know. i did get an actual panic attack in the past and it was so much worse than this though. do you get them too? like full fledged ones?
>i dont want to ever be over 59kg again
anone, i get that you might feel like you're fat but really, you 're not! you look just fine both now and both if you get at 60kg or EVEN 61. really! it's all in your mind. don't suffer for it! sigh, i get how hard it is to believe though, so just try not to starve yourself to death okay? i'd be really sad if you did.
>probably just some bored children
that's usually the case with this type of stuff. well i just hope it wears off soon. i much preferred the bunny attack we had some other time ago.
>>82782260
>just teaches the things people tend to struggle with
humu, i see. then it should be all right. lemme know how it goes once you start going to one if you want.
>What sort of stuff do you drink btw?
cheapest beer i can get in my hands usually. it's disgusting, i hate doing it, but it's better than living with my thoughts. do you have a favorite drink? perhaps you mentioned vodka in the past? or i might be misremembering
>Cats that belong to grandmas are just built different i think
heheh, i think so too! i don't have a grandma but my aunt has a cat and i think it's kind of the same. their cats are always odd in some way. she had 2, but 1 died in a really uh... uncommon way... sadly. the other one is basically garfield. like he literally looks like him. and is just as fat.
>Just be yourself and don't mask
oh anon there is no way in hell im telling him everything i think. i'll end up in a looney bin 100%. im not gonna say anything about suicidal thoughts. but ill try to be as honest as i can...

>>82782279
hello animal anon! im happy to see you and that you're doing fine. donuts and chicken nuggets sound nice! i haven't had a donut in ages. what kind of donut was it?
>newt
i love newts, they're really cute! and look silly. this one looks especially prone to eating pizza for some reason. carnifex does sound like something a dinosaur would have in its name desu. it sounds menacing!
>>82782494
scary!!
>>82782314
>more hopeful that you can solve your sleep issues
same, i think another anon mentioned asking to get benzos prescripted so perhaps ill try to do that. apparently they help with relaxing too
>any issues going from one state of being to another as well?
yeah, i have to be in the right mood to do something. i also get stuck listening to the same genre of music all day, unless my mood changes. like if i start listening to sad music i can't stop until im not sad anymore.
>If I'm gonna die in the end who cares anyway
indeed, i dont know why i even care that much in the first place. i guess it's still my pride that won't let me give up.
>your pockets aren't exactly full of happiness
yeah, which makes me wonder why i keep trying so stubbornly despite it all. oh well, you got yours to fill so you better to do that too. and be more stubborn about it aswell!
>I'm super conflicted on everything
humu, i get you anon, i also feel like that too. to me it really feels like there's 2 of me that periodically switch with one another and mess up all my thoughts. but you are right about having to do the scary thing! please try your best to always choose the scary things!
>like 5 years ago I think
??? what??? why??? anon??? what's even in them????
>that thing I have no hope left anymore
hm, i get what you're saying, but wouldn't it feel even better to find something else you can try AFTER having exhausted all your options? besides if you never do your last thing then it's like it doesnt even exist.
>doesn't happen again anytime soon
haha, im certain it will!!!!

>>82782601
>i did get an actual panic attack in the past and it was so much worse than this though.
i believe tho i may be wrong, that panic attacks lie on a spectrum of severity
>do you get them too? like full fledged ones?
sometimes, ive had to crawl and cry in the corner of my room before because of them
>try not to starve yourself to death okay
ill try i dont think its really a risk anyways tho im bad at keeping myself in my caloric limit

>>82782611
Hello, hello. They were raspberry filled donuts B^). I love all salamanders, but those crested newts are the best salamanders. Crested newts > sirens > mud puppies > giant salamanders, as far as I'm concerned.
>carnifex does sound like something a dinosaur would have in its name desu. it sounds menacing!
Yup! I'm familiar with the term "carnifex" from Underrail, where it's the alias of a powerful gladiator. I only know that the 'carni-' part of its species name means something to do with flesh B^). Luckily there is also a dinosaur with 'carn' in its name, Carnotaurus: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carnotaurus
Carnotaurus is also thought to have been one of the fastest dinosaurs to have existed. Here's some art of two of them too.
>scary!!
No worms escape those jaws... He is the worm eating tyrant >B^).

>>82782601
>lemme know how it goes once you start going to one if you want.
will do.
>do you have a favorite drink? perhaps you mentioned vodka in the past? or i might be misremembering
i don't remember mentioning vodka but my memory is very bad so i might have. I used to drink yes sometimes but my tastes changed a lot and now i just drink any fruit-like alcohol. So peppermint, orange, grape, all that stuff just not any 'proper' drinks like actual wine. Everything from light to medium is welcome in my tummy.
>she had 2, but 1 died in a really uh... uncommon way... sadly
My condolences anon. I know that feel.
>the other one is basically garfield. like he literally looks like him. and is just as fat.
Fluff can be easily mistaken for fat. One of mine looks overweight too but is actually just massively built and has hair in all the right places to double its size.
>oh anon there is no way in hell im telling him everything i think. i'll end up in a looney bin 100%.
Don't mask the issues you are trying to get fixed i mean. Everybody develops at least some sort of hiding which makes diagnosis and stuff like that a lot harder and take a lot more time.
Also don't worry about 'telling' too much. I would be sitting in a straight jacket right now if that were a issue. Although i do sometimes wonder now if something like that would be really so bad.

>>82782813
>about 'telling' too much
*'telling too much'

>>82782494
Ah, no worries, we've only spoken once or twice so I don't expect you to recognize me! But that is a scary amphibian, look at those menacing teeth... it's also kinda cute though!

>>82782611
>benzos
Yeah, meds can help too since lots of them can make you sleepy. Like mine! Thankfully in the evening and not earlier in the day, so it works out well.

>i have to be in the right mood to do something.
Ah dang, you too!? I don't know how you manage to do all that you do while being like this... maybe it's an ADHD thing, I wonder. But anyway yeah it sucks because it feels like I'm never in the right mood to do the things I want to do, and it takes forever sometimes to get in the right mood especially when I'm in a depressive spell. I get that music thing but with emotions in general, whatever I'm feeling I want to reinforce, and often times I'm feeling sad so that means sad thoughts and sad music. Have you ever tried changing your mood by forcing yourself to listen to different music?

>i guess it's still my pride
Well it's a good thing you have that then! And you should be proud of yourself for resisting the corrupt system and surviving in this hellish existence in general!

>why i keep trying so stubbornly despite it all.
I wonder that too! But I suppose all I can do is watch with wonder. I hope one day I can find something that drives me like you, but who knows if that will happen. It feels like I'm just not that kind of person unfortunately.

>and be more stubborn about it aswell!
Oh don't worry I'm stubborn when I don't need to be! But in the face of suffering I cower. I'll try my best though, just so your encouragement doesn't go to waste if nothing else!

Cont.

Cont.

>>82782853
>i also feel like that too. to me it really feels like there's 2 of me
You do!? Well dang I really don't know how you even function at this point... you really are running on pure willpower. It's like you have all the issues I have and more and yet you still manage to handle them way more gracefully than me. It's pretty amazing. It really does feel like I have two of me as well, and they always disagree on everything and it's impossible to get them both going in the same direction.
I'll try to choose the scary thing though! But I might need some hugs afterwards because scary things are scary and hugs feel safe!

>anon??? what's even in them????
You think I remember!? But heh actually you can take a look, picture related. These are like from 2020-2021 I think. I'm learning things about myself looking at these... apparently that's when I was still trying to do music production, and various self-improoovement things, and was still reading things in Japanese...

>wouldn't it feel even better to find something else you can try AFTER having exhausted all your options?
Maybe it would! But first I would have to go through the painful feeling of losing all hope, and I really don't want to feel that... My problem is I try to avoid suffering too much, I just need to accept it's a part of life... I dunno how though.

>if you never do your last thing then it's like it doesnt even exist.
I just cope by thinking I'll do it at some point, while not actually planning to do it! Genius, ain't it???

>haha, im certain it will!!!!
Well maybe your lazybones brain will procrastinate on it for a while at least and you'll feel okay for a little bit! We can hope for that maybe possibly. Brain pls!!

No I'm not okay

I'm 30 old and I still don't have my driver's license or a vehicle, or a job

I keep getting older and years flying by and I'm nowhere near in getting a driver's license or a job

I don't know what to do with my life and I been really considerating killing myself because I made 0 progress with my life ever since I finished school

I really hate my life

>>82779466 (OP)
My demons (OCD) want me to kill women and black children

>>82782654
>that panic attacks lie on a spectrum of severity
oh, i didn't know that. explains a lot of on those very short but awful feelings i sometimes get though.
>ive had to crawl and cry in the corner of my room
oh, that's awful anon. i hope it never happens again. what do you think causes them? i think the worst one i've had happened the time that i had to drive by myself for the first time. i was shaking the entire ride and once i parked i literally couldn't stand up and my heart felt like it was about to explode.
>ill try i dont think its really a risk anyways
hm, okay. well just keep in mind the things i said whenever you feel like you're eating too much. because 90% of the time you arent!
>>82782658
>were raspberry filled donuts
oh god i love raspberry. im so jealous. i want a donut now.
>salamanders
i always tend to assume anything that looks lizardish is a lizard. i kind of forget salamanders exist too. im a huge fan of reptiles. also, what do you mean sirens...?
>the 'carni-' part of its species name means something to do with flesh
it does mean meat in italian! and probably in latin too.
>carnotaurus
oh i actually knew this one! their horns are really memorable. imagine that thing running after you. literal demon... but i think velociraptors are still the dinosaurs that scares me the most. i have ptsd from watching jurassic park as a kid... what's a dinosaur that really scares you?
>spoiler
today i am really glad i wasn't born a worm...

>>82782813
>i just drink any fruit-like alcohol
honestly i kinda want to try them too, but finding an alcoholic beverage that i like might just sentence me to alcoholism so i haven't tried any yet. i did have a few cocktails with juice in it and they were really good... do you not like how wine tastes? i think it can be good.
>can be easily mistaken for fat
oh i picked up that guy and i can guarantee you he is FAT. or im really weak.
>Don't mask the issues you are trying to get fixed i mean
i think i'll mention my suicidal tendencies eventually, just not right away. i don't want them to possibly stop me from taking certain meds for the fear that i might overdose on them. not that i would do that obviously. haha. yeah well eventually ill tell them that i want to die just not initially.
>if something like that would be really so bad
well you can't pet cats or type replies if you're in one of those, so i think you're better off without them! also im not a doctor but you don't seem like you need one anon. hell there was a guy in my thread a few hours ago that wanted to incinerate another person with his homemade flamethrower.
>>82782853
>it feels like I'm never in the right mood to do the things I want to do
yeah, i often feel that way but sometimes im able to get over it and do them anyway. don't wait for the ideal conditions to do something: they will never come if you do. but yes it's easier said than done.
>changing your mood by forcing yourself to listen to different music?
yes, it never works though. i just get stuck in a sad loop for the entire day or until i somehow can break it by doing something else (usually talking with anons here)
>for resisting the corrupt system and surviving in this hellish existence in general
foolishness goes hand in hand with pridefulness
>But in the face of suffering I cower
it's okay, as long as you're able to fight back eventually. ganbare anon
>I really don't know how you even function at this point
me neither!!!!!

>>82782865
>I'll try to choose the scary thing though!
good! don't worry, i'll get you hugs if you do the scary stuff. you deserve them after all.
>picrel
well, i guess at least you have a way to tell what you were doing back then... i kinda wish i had too desu. not worth having 300 tabs for that though.
>through the painful feeling of losing all hope
you know anone, sometimes what someone needs to really wake up is simply to suffer so much they're forced to do something about it. at least that's how it was for me. i got on the verge of breaking and it was what i needed to start trying. perhaps that's what you need too. hopefully not though, i wouldn't wish it on anyone.
>Genius, ain't it???
heheh, no. do the damn thing!!
>will procrastinate on it
if there's one thing my brain never procrastinates on, is to make me feel as bad as possible!
>>82782919
fancy seeing you here futaba anon. i see not much has changed eh? don't kill yourself though, you gotta take care of your cats and your mom. keep enduring anon
>>82782974
i think you should try to kill your demons instead

>>82783009
>what do you think causes them
for me, it is excessive worry for others wellbeing usually. worrying they might be dead or hurting themselves for example. i feel like everyone probably has different triggers
>drive by myself for the first time
thats understable... i still hate hate hate driving and id puke before my drivers education classes
>keep in my mind the things i said
i will try, ty. ive taken too much benedryl to stay coherent or awake, so goodbye. i hope the rest of your day is nice

>>82782071
>we only help them save themselves
I did say help, not save. That can only be done by yourself, true.
>if someone doesn't want to be saved, then you just can't do it by yourself
Some DO. Some TRY SO HARD and nothing workes. That's the thing, some people tried self help, be social, find a hobby, work out, go to therapy, get on meds, etc, etc, etc, and STILL want a bullet to the head at the end of the day. It's those people I want to help the most, but can't think of anything else to offer (beside drugs, which are a valid cope, but not sustainable safely).
PHow do you reach a person like that?
I think it's a skewed view of life they have nurtured in their own minds for too long which stops them from moving on. But I can't change a person's outlook on life, especially as a stranger online. Some people have it rough out there. It's frustrating and gives me a feeling of hopelessness. Maybe some people were born to die? I don't want to believe that, but when I hear an anon say they honestly wanted to die/not exist since 11yo, I can't but consider that it's within their right to end it whenever and however they wish. Does it mean I gave-up on them, or respected their sincere decision and god-given right to die? Should I help them with finding painless and peaceful ways to die? Cus I have resources for that. Or do I just turn a blind eye and let whatever happens to happen? I am not sure how to deal with those kind of people, I was never trained to be prepared to assist people who some would call "hopeless cases". It bugs me lately, that's all.

>>82782853
Well that's good, I do worry about not recognizing people and making them upset. I'm terrible with it. I'm surprised that you remembered me though if we've interacted only a couple of times. Am I really that memorable?
>>82783009
Raspberry is the best berry B^). Well maybe cherries are also pretty good...

See, the ancestor to amphibians and reptiles had a pretty reptile-like body, actually. Some very ancient amphibians were also like giant lizards. There also used to be a whole group of scaled salamanders, but they're extinct now. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albanerpetontidae
>also, what do you mean sirens...?
Pic related :), they're like salamander mermaids. Two arms, fully aquatic and eel-like instead of a more fishy tail. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sirenidae
They're native to the Southeastern US, but sadly not bred in captivity really. I'd love them to be in the pet trade, they're really cool.
>it does mean meat in italian! and probably in latin too.
Makes sense, makes sense.

I'm not sure, I'd probably be more scared of Utah Raptor though since they were bigger than Velociraptor. In Jurassic Park they used Velociraptor's name for a raptor about their size. I remember them being around the size of a polar bear, although not as heavy.
>today i am really glad i wasn't born a worm...
From worms we come, to worms we go. The ancestor to all bilaterally symmetrical animals is thought to have been something worm-like.

>>82783012
>do you not like how wine tastes? i think it can be good.
yeah some are fine. But for some reason im way more into juice stuff now than before. Stopped drinking beer completely also. Also just remembered that i used to drink a lot of regular grape juice. Might get some soon.
>oh i picked up that guy and i can guarantee you he is FAT. or im really weak.
Maybe he is just really big for a cat and you are mistaking the heft for fatness?
>taking certain meds for the fear that i might overdose on them
that is a fair concern however. I sorted that stuff out before the meds and everything went fine. I suggest you do something similar to avoid problems down the line.
>yeah well eventually ill tell them that i want to die just not initially.
They don't even dig that deep the first times if i recall.
>well you can't pet cats or type replies if you're in one of those, so i think you're better off without them!
they are not like they used to be, right? Especially in europe i think they are fairly understanding. Although i do want to have my cats share my pillow with me instead of sleeping in some sterile hospital so yeah i guess you're right.

>>82783017
That's exactly what I'm talking about, I been surviving the same day every year and I haven't made any progress in my life and that shit is depressing the shit out of me, I still love my mom and I still take care of my cats, but I'm genuinely tired of being broke and making no progress in life while everyone is making progress

I hate this and I hate my life

>>82783208
>that is a fair concern however. I sorted that stuff out before the meds and everything went fine. I suggest you do something similar to avoid problems down the line.
oh and with 'that stuff' i mean the suicidal tendencies and talking with the doc about them. I really recommend that before trying to start with some medications that could potentially make things worse.
After all i was partially so pissed off today because of taking the ADD meds too fast. God knows what could happen with medicine that messes with your psyche even more in that case.

>>82783069
>excessive worry for others wellbeing usually
hm, that's interesting. it's nice that you care so much for others but if it hurts your wellbeing too i don't know...
>id puke before my drivers education classes
i didn't puke before mine but god knows my heart was pounding the entire time and it was awful. thanks for talking with me today anon, have a good night!
>>82783072
>and STILL want a bullet to the head at the end of the day
seems pretty familiar...
>How do you reach a person like that?
i don't know, i don't think you can unless you're just like them.
>Maybe some people were born to die?
well we all are... but i do think some are just meant to die sooner than others, me included. it's just how it is. the world is not a fair place, it's dumb to expect everyone to have the same possibilities that others have. some people can't be saved and it's just how things are. sad, frustrating yes, but ultimately what can you do? you're not a god, you're also a human just like them. if i met someone as hopeless as me that wanted to give up i wouldn't blame them; maybe i'd even help them to escape this hellhole that is life if i thought it was the only thing left to do. you don't have to do anything anon, like i said before, acknowledging these people's issues is already something that most others don't do, and it does help them to an extent. at least that's what i believe to cope with not being able to help.
>>82783139
>cherries
if i had to choose a berry it would be strawberry. i love it so much. more than raspberry too
>they're extinct now
aw. we need more salamanders that aren't extinct i think. honestly it's so mind-blowing to think that there's so many variants of animals in the world. and yet only one type of human. unless you count monkeys i guess?
>picrel
oh, they're just fishy salamanders but horny! that makes sense desu.
wouldn't mind having one as a pet indeed. are they really hard to maintain? is that why they can't be pets?
cont.

>>82783139
>Utah Raptor
oh that thing does look pretty terrifying. honestly i think the scariest thing about dinosaurs like those is their eyes. they're just staring at you... it's so creepy...
>the size of a polar bear
weren't they the size of a chicken or something?? jurassic park lied to me...
or maybe that was a different dinosaur
>From worms we come, to worms we go
the ashes version sounded better... i guess the phrase "would you love me if i was a worm" makes more sense now. we're actually all worms.
>>82783208
>Stopped drinking beer completely also
good, that liquid SUCKS. i do like normal juices too. they're a great source of vitamins so you should drink them more yeah!
>he is just really big for a cat
no. he is garfield. i stand my case. is that how you say it? also my mom told me he weighs 10 kilos and im quite positive that's not healthy for a cat
>I sorted that stuff out before the meds
did they say they wouldn't give you certain things because of that? i know a friend that did get denied some meds because they're suicidal.
>they are not like they used to be
i dunno, but i can give you a more accurate answer in a month or two if they put me in crazy prison.
>medications that could potentially make things worse
oh but im quite sure they will regardless of what they give me. but that's just me being unreasonably pessimistic.
>>82783242
it is what it is anon, it is what it is. we can only do our best.

>>82783012
>don't wait for the ideal conditions to do something
Yeah, I've heard this too... it's really unfortunate though, doing something you're not in the mood for feels like nails on a chalkboard. I suppose occasionally just starting something gets you in the mood for it, but that doesn't happen as often as I'd like.

>yes, it never works though.
Dang, me neither... music that doesn't fit the mood just doesn't do anything, doesn't make me feel any different... Oh well, at least talking with Anons helps! That's something. I wonder why it works. Something something human connection, I guess. Maybe we have just become too isolated from each other in this day and age. When not talking to anyone, do you feel kind of uhm "frozen" or a bit zombie-like? I do and I think it really prevents me from doing more stuff.

>foolishness goes hand in hand with pridefulness
Mayhaps I need to be a little more foolish then! Unironically I think that would help, I think about things way too much. I wish I had that superpower of being able to "just" do things.

>as long as you're able to fight back eventually.
That's true, it hasn't been long since I got out of my depressive spell... I hope I can fight back more with time. Did it take you a while to get into gear, so to say, when you stopped being a NEET? Or did you sort of like change overnight and suddenly start doing everything differently?

>me neither!!!!!
Heh. It really is a mystery... perhaps you just have the soul of a warrior. Unfortunately, god gives his hardest battles to his best soldiers..

>i'll get you hugs if you do the scary stuff. you deserve them after all.
Ufufufu thank you Anonny!! This makes me really want to do them more. Hugs are the best reward!

>i kinda wish i had too desu.
You could if you tried having an actual diary, besides your venting journal I mean! I actually have one, though I haven't written in it in years and I almost never go back to re-read stuff.

Cont.

>>82783413
>>82783012
But it's a nice thing to have for the future, I feel like memories are a precious thing and it might be nice to look back on them eventually, albeit painful. But yeah usually I avoid reading back the old entries because it just makes me feel bad due to how much better things always seem in the past... I feel jealous of my old self, if that's a thing. I imagine if you had a diary you'd read it back pretty often, since you re-read these threads. Although in a way I guess these threads are like your diary.

>suffer so much they're forced
That's very true... hitting rock bottom. I guess I haven't hit mine yet. I don't know what to do other than wait for it to happen, though. I have too much of a self-preservation instinct to bring about rock bottom intentionally, yet it seems like it might take forever without doing that. So I guess I'm stuck in this awkward limbo... It does sound like a common story, being on the verge of breaking and that motivating one to start finally trying for real. My life is just too cozy for me to feel desperate to change, I suppose. Man, I wonder if I'm going to live like this forever... I think some people do lead their entire lives in this sort of limbo state and that's both sad and terrifying.

>do the damn thing!!
Alright fine I will! I'll apply to a couple more jobs this evening, I promise!

>one thing my brain never procrastinates
W-well... at least there's one thing h-haha...

>>82783139
>not recognizing people
Ah well no worries, I wouldn't have gotten upset regardless! I understand some people are like, Anon-blind if you will... sometimes I'm that way too, if there are people posting anime characters that look too similar.

>you remembered me though if we've interacted only a couple of times
Well we've interacted only a couple times, but I've seen your posts a lot! I used to be pretty much exclusively a lurker since I didn't have the energy to post, but I'd at least sometimes look at your pictures.

>>82783407
>it is what it is anon, it is what it is. we can only do our best.

But I'm genuinely tired of this, I rather be a wageslave and have money than being a neet and have no money

But I can't get a job either because I keep getting ghosted in countless interviews and I don't know what to do with my life anymore

>>82783398
Strawberry flavor is nice, but I can't handle actual strawberries. The texture really messes with my sense of touch, it feels like I'm eating wet styrofoam with these suspicious little pits in it :'(
>aw. we need more salamanders that aren't extinct i think. honestly it's so mind-blowing to think that there's so many variants of animals in the world. and yet only one type of human. unless you count monkeys i guess?
We did used to have more varieties of human! People really liked Homo floresiensis, the "hobbit" people from Flores but it's also very likely that there were even more human species out there and we just lack the fossils. There's some evidence that maybe there was a human species in America more than 100k years ago too. Miniminuteman did a nice video on that actually. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5z3DbmOuaFI
It's entirely likely that they existed well into the point that the native Americans immigrated onto the continent and if so they were likely wiped out by them. For salamanders though, there's always Eryops :).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eryops
Also on apes there was Gigantopithecus and Archaeoindris too! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gigantopithecus
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archaeoindris
The first is a true ape, the second is actually a lemur that evolved a gorilla-like body and size.
>wouldn't mind having one as a pet indeed. are they really hard to maintain? is that why they can't be pets?
The good news is that they can be pets! It's just that people haven't nailed down breeding them in captivity, so any you get as a pet is almost certainly wild caught, which is generally pretty bad to do. Depletes wild populations and they're usually not in the best condition when you get them.
>>82783407
A smart, large monster is staring right into your soul :)
>weren't they the size of a chicken or something?? jurassic park lied to me...
I think they swapped 'em. If I remember correctly velociraptor was one of the smaller raptors.

cont

>>82783407
Ashes are indeed cooler. It gets weirder when you go back into the evolutionary history of our lineage. Before we were worms we were more like planula, the larvae of some animals like cnidarians. In fact, outside of bilateria, cnidarians(the jellyfish, corals and siphonophores) are our closest relatives. After that it may weirdly enough be all of the sponges and then the ctenophores, the comb jellies. The comb jellies have even convergently evolved teeth and mouths despite this... >B^)
>>82783423
I see, I see. Well hopefully you've enjoyed the pictures I've posted here. Plus the animal facts!

Speaking of energy though, it's time for me to go pass out :), have a good night everyone.

>>82783407
>good, that liquid SUCKS
objection. Polish beer + dried and salted fish is very good. But otherwise year beer is meh. I think nobody would drink it if a bottle weren't like cheaper than a equivalent cola one.
>is that how you say it?
I think you mean 'i stand my ground'. But if not then 'i rest my case' would be correct.
>also my mom told me he weighs 10 kilos and im quite positive that's not healthy for a cat
yeah no that's just fat. Gotta loose weight.
>did they say they wouldn't give you certain things because of that?
they said nothing at all about meds to be honest. I don't think that a pessimistic or depressed world view is automatic cause for disqualification although that depends from med to med of course. Still, even if you are 'just' depressed its still something i would talk about with the psychiatrist. Doctors don't just blindly follow a checklist but use their experience and commonsense. The more they know about you the better the decisions that they can make.
>i dunno, but i can give you a more accurate answer in a month or two if they put me in crazy prison.
oh do tell me if they sack you. I really wanna know if they got wifi in there.
>oh but im quite sure they will regardless of what they give me. but that's just me being unreasonably pessimistic.
yeah mostly pessimism fr. From what i read over some time its probably going to be some anti depressants and maybe ADHD meds if you qualify both mentally and bodily. I have used both and use the ADHD one still and i could never imagine messing something up to be honest. Take em according to schedule and it will be fine.

>>82783413
>like nails on a chalkboard
don't think i could've explained it any better! but it's not impossible
>kind of uhm "frozen" or a bit zombie-like?
im not sure, maybe? i feel more vulnerable, so to speak. it's like im in a dark room and my only light just got snuffed out. so now all i can do is stumble alone in the darkness.
>that would help
i think it would too, really i do. being retarded is a blessing after all! i guess.
>take you a while to get into gear
i can't remember too well how i was before i reached my breaking point. i think after getting off that roof it took me about a month to mentally prepare myself to get ready to do things. and whilst i was ready, it still took time for the opportunities to arrive (or to be created by me), so i don't think i actually did anything until february.
>god gives his hardest battles to his best soldiers
god could kindly stop doing that any time he wants!!!!!! PLEASE
>memories are a precious thing
funny, im pretty sure a few threads ago you mentioned a photo album and you wanting it to be empty... though i get why you'd say that yes. it's painful to think things were better before and now they're awful, but i think it would be even worse if things were never good to begin with.
>these threads are like your diary
they are, yes. i can look up how i used to think, at least up to 2024. i have changed a lot since then... thankfully...

>>82783423
>some people do lead their entire lives in this sort of limbo state
i fear thats the case not for some people, but for most people anon. at least to me, that's how the average normalfag looks. sure you might think they're happy, but really, what most people are doing nowdays is cope, and cope and cope and nothing else. being in suffering, but too comfortable to do anything about it, is exactly how modern society wants you to be. you're powerless, and you'll be content with that. but you shouldn't. you should be outraged. you should be kicking and crying as loudly as you can and try to everything in your power to get rid of this broken and evil system we live in. but you won't, and that other guy won't, and that one won't either, because we've lived all our lives thinking it's not worth the trouble. who cares, just go watch the latest slop they drop on netflix, go eat the latest chemicals they put in your food, go zerk off to the newest depraved fetish someone comes up with. thats what life is about! im not attacking you personally by the way. just ranting in general.
>I'll apply to a couple more jobs this evening, I promise!
good job anon! you better do that.
>>82783547
well, as long as you keep trying you'll find something eventually anon.
>>82783553
>but I can't handle actual strawberrie
humu, i remember you mentioned that you can't handle fruits and vegetables. it really sucks... is that true even if they're cooked? well not the strawberries in this case. and what about caramellated apples? do you think you'd still be unable to eat those?
>used to have more varieties of human!
woah! thats so cool. i didnt know that. shame we didn't get dwarves and elves in this universe... we got somewhat close though.
>giant apes
holy cow... we could've had giants too... man the possibilities are endless...
>is almost certainly wild caught
ah, i see yeah that's not ideal. it's always better to leave wild animals to the wild. maybe someday we'll get pet sirens though!

>>82783553
>is staring right into your soul
it can't see me if i don't move...
>are our closest relatives
no way. that's so cool that im related to a jellyfish. maybe if i try talking to them they'll teach me how to swim like they do and how to turn immortal
>comb jellies have even convergently evolved teeth
now i want to get bit by one of those just to see how much it might hurt!
>have a good night everyone
good night animal anon!! thank you so much for stopping by tonight!
>>82783641
>Polish beer + dried and salted fish is very good
but that's only because you're eating a salty dish anon, beers are made to be refreshing! on their own when you're not thirsty they're bleh.
>spoiler
yeah i was trying to say rest my case. i really need to play more ace attorney...
>Gotta loose weight
you'd be surprised by how quick he runs away when we try to catch him to bring him to the vet...
>The more they know about you the better the decisions that they can make
i guess so. honestly thinking about this really scares me. i hope they don't give me antidepressants. i dont want to take them. ever. id rather die. i just want something for my adhd honestly.
>I really wanna know if they got wifi in there.
well if in a month or so you suddenly notice a lack of taos in the catalog you know why...
>Take em according to schedule and it will be fine
i guess. i 've just heard that the side effects of antidepressants can be really bad. i dont wanna get fat, i dont wanna lose my hair, i don't want my peanits to break either. really im too scared to take ssris.

>>82783398
>seems pretty familiar
It's from a conversation I had with an anon a couple hours ago. Not insinuating anything.
>i don't think you can unless you're just like them
I can relate to those notions very well, from personal experience, it does not help.
>some people can't be saved and it's just how things are
I don't want to believe that. I mean, those people DO try, which means they see *some* value to life. Again, I think it's a deeply-rooted, distorted world view that needs changing. People can be very stubborn about being hopeless even when there is hope.
>if i met someone as hopeless as me that wanted to give up i wouldn't blame them
Sure, life's not easy. But there's always hope, right?
>maybe i'd even help them to escape this hellhole that is life
I think that is valid and you should assist, as long as the person is of sound mind when making this decision. Imo you can choose death on a whim and it'll be valid; as long as you're of sound mind. It's your right, and no one can take that away from you. Hunter S. Thompson killed himself by gunshot for just being too old for his taste.
>if i thought it was the only thing left to do
But there's always another thing to do *usually*. There's always hope that tomorrow will be better (most of the time, sometime suffering is guaranteed to be permanent and there really is nothing else left to do).
>you don't have to do anything anon
But I must. It's who I am.

>>82783812
>well, as long as you keep trying you'll find something eventually anon.

I heard that one before, never happened in my entire life, also, I can't drive, meaning I still depend on public transportation to get to places and I still can't drive to the interview like most people can

My life is fucked and I should just kill myself

>>82783592
>Well hopefully you've enjoyed the pictures I've posted here. Plus the animal facts!
I have! They are pretty cool desu. Thanks for posting 'em! And have a good night too!

>>82783802
>but it's not impossible
Indeed... just gotta have a good enough reason to force yourself to do it.

>i feel more vulnerable, so to speak. it's like im in a dark room and my only light just got snuffed out.
I see, that's maybe a bit different from me but I can still relate. It really does feel like others are a light, without them the world is so dark and cold and it's very hard to get anywhere. I wish I just had someone with me 24/7 for moral support, like they wouldn't even have to say or do anything, just be there so I could look at them and see that I'm not alone. But it would have to be someone that understands me I suppose, otherwise it would only feel more lonely.

>being retarded is a blessing after all!
It is if you're retarded in just the right way! Which you are I think. It's like you have the bravery and stubbornness of a fool, but without the actual retardation. Or at least you seem pretty smart to me, even though I'm guessing you don't think so, but neither do I think I'm smart and people keep telling me I am... it's one of those things where you can't see it yourself I guess.

>about a month to mentally prepare myself
Ah, I see, that's reassuring I suppose. Maybe I just need more time then. It's gonna take ages to recover to how I was even a few years ago probably, and I wasn't exactly doing too well back then either... so many wasted years. Welp, I'll try to recover before hitting rock bottom I guess... I don't want to have to go through what you did. That must have been horrible... I can't imagine honestly. I've looked down a roof before but I was never that serious about it, always knew deep down I was too much of a coward. Sorry if this brings up any negative feelings BTW, I hope not... you can skip replying to this if you don't want to.

Cont.

>>82784077
>>82783802
>god could kindly stop doing that any time he wants!!!!!! PLEASE
But Anon then the hardest battles would have to be done by subpar warriors! It just doesn't make sense!

>a few threads ago you mentioned a photo album and you wanting it to be empty
Yeah, I thought of that when writing that too heh. Again I'm very conflicted I guess... but you're right it's better for things to have been good than to have never been.
I forget if I've asked already, but do you have any bad memories that you look back on fondly? I'm guessing no since you probably just don't remember those memories most of the time?

>i have changed a lot since then... thankfully...
Hmm, how do you think you've changed? I do feel like you're different but I sort of assumed that's just because I didn't know you as well back then. And I don't remember well enough at this point, I suppose. Personally I feel like I basically haven't changed for the past 10 years... things have slowly just been getting worse and worse but I haven't changed in a fundamental way I don't think.

>being in suffering, but too comfortable to do anything about it, is exactly how modern society wants you to be.
Damn. That's quite a write-up. Very powerful stuff Anon, I think you captured the state of modern society really well here. I didn't take it personally, but I definitely am part of the problem... I see a bit of why you try to fight so hard I suppose, when you describe it like this I want nothing to do with any of it either. It feels like this is some fake life, some Matrix that must be escaped out of into the real world where genuine happiness lies... I wonder if such a thing is possible. I wonder what it would look like, what it would take.

>you better do that.
I will! I'm scrolling through some jobs right now. I can't break a promise I made to Taononny!

>>82783815
>beers are made to be refreshing!
I never ever felt like this is the case. Is it actually like this?
>you'd be surprised by how quick he runs away when we try to catch him to bring him to the vet...
reminded me of my cat at the vet. Nuzzled against the vet and his purring made taking his pulse impossible lol. Cats are just amazing no matter what they do man.
> i hope they don't give me antidepressants. i dont want to take them. ever. id rather die.
I don't think that you are ever forced to take anything. I had my antidepressants which they throw at everybody that comes in with the focus being depression but like i just didn't want them after a while and stopped after not even properly tapering up, or down for that matter which is a interesting thing to explain to your psychiatrist. 'I don't feel like these are helping and that there is a deeper cause that should be fixed instead of band aid solutions' or something like that and yeah. Even in stationary treatment i think you have some control.
>i just want something for my adhd honestly.
Lets hope they feel like that is warranted. Even if you are just neeting i feel like its something helpful. But there are compromises you need to make. Most notably with alcohol. Rip.
>well if in a month or so you suddenly notice a lack of taos in the catalog you know why..
I will hope for a swift recovery then. Although if you are cured and healthy, is there even a reason to browse this board anymore?
>really im too scared to take ssris.
the ones they start you with are the most basic and safest ones. Yes there are people that walk away with side effects but you do have a psychiatrist checking in on you to make sure things are fine. Plus think about how quick they are to give you ssris but ADHD meds need multiple checks and also running controls to make sure you don't just die of heart failure.

Anyways i think my cats sleeping on my bed is a sign to hit the snooze, gn anons. As always i still read everything.

>>82783955
>It's from a conversation I had with an anon a couple hours ago
oh i was talking about myself anon. i also still want a bullet in my head despite having tried almost everything at this point.
>they see *some* value to life.
and what if they do? how does that change their circumstance? it doesn't. anon, no one really wants to die, they just can't keep living anymore, and in certain cases there really isn't anything that can be done.
>But there's always hope, right?
sure, hope is the last thing to die, but it dies regardless. with you, or without you.
>there's always another thing to do *usually*
that's subjective though. you might see other ways out, but the person in the middle of the smoke sees nothing but smoke. so it's hard to say when something is a valid option to try or nothing more than a delay for the inevitable.
>But I must. It's who I am
in that case you need to learn to accept that not everyone gets a happy ending. real life isn't kind nor fair.
>>82784021
i don't think depending on public transportation is something to be killing yourself over really. but still, think of your cats, they need you
>>82784077
>without them the world is so dark and cold
indeed, but it's also because of others that the world is dark and cold to begin with. we've made it that way.
>wish I just had someone with me 24/7
same honestly. would make doing anything a lot less stressful knowing there's someone with me. i still ask my mom to come do stuff with me (though she understandably refuses most of the time) whenever i can desu. bit embarrassing but oh well.
>but without the actual retardation
i beg to differ...
>Maybe I just need more time then
be careful with this phrase though. maybe it's true for now, but as more and more time passes, what you need might actually be to get out there despite not being ready. and it's okay, i've gotten over that episode. considering i now wish i actually did jump.

>>82784096
>to be done by subpar warriors!
it's about time they start pulling their weight...
>any bad memories that you look back on fondly?
uhm, how would you look back at a bad memory fondly? that would mean it's not bad. perhaps you find some bad memories nostalgic? i can kind of relate to that. i feel nostalgia for when i was a kid despite my life being just as bad back then.
>how do you think you've changed?
i'm just more mature i guess. less selfish, more open minded, i'd like to say less spiteful too but im not too sure about that quite yet.
>but I haven't changed in a fundamental way I don't think
people don't really change fundamentally past a certain point i think. also, didn't you say you did change just some replies ago...?
>I want nothing to do with any of it either
then you need to stop being so comfortable all the time too! it is a fake life. they're selling everyone a fake life. there's beautiful things that they keep from us by forcing us to work and consume all our lives. it's crazy to me how no one gives a shit. and they think im the crazy one for caring so much in the first place.
>I will! I'm scrolling through some jobs right now
that's a good anon!
>>82784156
>Is it actually like this?
yeah! they made us study alcoholic beverages in school. they always pair beers with salty foods, or offer them in hot temperatures, because they taste very refreshing. it's really easy to prove, go run for some time until you're thirsty, drink an ice cold beer and tell me it doesn't taste a billion times better than drinking the same beer when you're not thirsty. you could argue this works with any beverage, but nope, certain beverages are specifically given in certain situations because they are more refreshing than others.
>Cats are just amazing no matter what they do man
they are very mysterious creatures... my cat usually just sits completely still at the vet. she's terrified and does nothing, doesn't even try to escape. it's kind of cute in a way.
cont.

>>82784156
>Even in stationary treatment i think you have some control.
i'll take your word then, i really hope it's this way.
>But there are compromises you need to make. Most notably with alcohol
ideally if the meds work i won't need the alcohol so... it should be okay.
>is there even a reason to browse this board anymore?
well other than the fact that i am 100% sure that meds will not fix me, but rather make my life slightly more bearable at best, i still like talking with you anons. why would i stop?
>and also running controls to make sure you don't just die of heart failure.
oh noooo.... that would be such a shame right?? haha! i DEFINITELY don't pray to get a stroke and die in my sleep every night. god that would be awful! please doctors do NOT give me something that will cause me heart failure. i would hate that soooo much! jokes aside i really dont think i'll be taking anything other than stuff to fix my adhd. honestly i feel like my other mental issues would be much more bearable if i didnt also have adhd fucking everything up. but i dunno my mood wackiness is also pretty crippling.
>Anyways i think my cats sleeping on my bed is a sign to hit the snooze
it might just be! thanks for stopping by today anon. have a good night!

i think i'll also be hitting the bunk for tonight. thanks everyone for talking with me today. i hope you all have a lovely week!

>>82784341
Good night Taonon! Hope your tests go okay this week. Thanks for talking with me!

>>82784316
>i don't think depending on public transportation is something to be killing yourself over really. but still, think of your cats, they need you

I don't think you grasped how fucked my life is, I live in a favela, I can't even escape this favela because I make no money at all

>>82784316
>i also still want a bullet in my head despite having tried almost everything at this point
I know, from previous conversation. That's why I said I don't mean to insinuate.
>and what if they do?
Then they should live! Simple. There are miserable lives who are still worth living out there.
>how does that change their circumstance?
As I said, in case of permanent suffering, it is valid to give up. It is sensible and maybe advisable to kys then. But as I said, you can off yourself for whatever reason you wish, as is your right as a free indipendent person *of sound mind*.
>but it dies regardless
That is morbid and unfounded or grounded in reality.
>the person in the middle of the smoke sees nothing but smoke
That's why I said they're stubborn. Yer smoking yourself! Stop that! See reason, please.
>you need to learn to accept that not everyone gets a happy ending. real life isn't kind nor fair.
I am aware, and it should've been appearent from my previous posts. But help and hope are the first messures I will use when dealing with a troubled person. It'll take a lot of trial and error for me to authorize self distruction as a method of action. Unless the person is serious about ending it, after thinking it through enough, and is of sound mind (i.e., not in smoke); then it would take one honest conversation to convince me of the validity of the option.

>>82784316
>it's also because of others that the world is dark and cold to begin with. we've made it that way.
Eh... to some degree sure, we've made it worse. But it's always been dark and cold, I believe. Sometimes beautiful, but nonetheless uncaring and cruel.

>would make doing anything a lot less stressful knowing there's someone with me.
You too, huh... I don't know why it's like this. Just someone's presence is so comforting... I remember I've daydreamed about having a clone of myself because of this. Then we could always do the exact same thing all the time, but together. And we could understand each other perfectly.

>i still ask my mom to come do stuff with me
It's nice you're comfortable enough to do something like that! I'd like to do that too but as you know it's not something I feel comfortable with at all sadly... even though my mom would probably oblige sometimes.

>i beg to differ...
I do not accept your begging!

>be careful with this phrase though.
That's a very good point... jeez, this stuff sure is hard and full of pitfalls. Why are our brains so good at deluding ourselves...

>considering i now wish i actually did jump.
I wouldn't say you recovered in that case... I'm very happy you didn't jump Anonny! Thanks for still being here. And this is a good time to say, I don't hate you, no matter what your thoughts might tell you! Hope you're having a good morning when you're reading this desu.

>>82784324
>it's about time they start pulling their weight...
Hey, no need to call me out like that! I'm trying my hardest over here! Even if my battles are Tutorial difficulty and I'm still failing over and over...

>perhaps you find some bad memories nostalgic?
Something like that. I just meant a memory of something that you know was a bad experience for you when it happened, but you enjoy reflecting back on the memory. And yeah, I guess I'm the same way, life kind of sucked for child me but I still look back on it with a lot of fondness.

Cont.

Cont.

>>82785358
>>82784324
>i'm just more mature i guess. less selfish, more open minded
Huh, you've changed that much in a year? That's pretty impressive. I wonder what spurred those changes if anything. I feel like I need to change, but I don't know where to get the motivation for it, outside of hitting rock bottom like we discussed.

>people don't really change fundamentally past a certain point i think.
I guess that point was like 16 years old for me... I really don't think I've changed much since then.

>didn't you say you did change just some replies ago...?
Yeah, sorry if it's confusing, it's a bit hard to describe. I guess what I mean is that I didn't change, so much as my life changed. But I mean, I changed a bit too, just not fundamentally. And unfortunately for the worse. I think I still have some of the good things I had before in me, they're just a bit buried now. But I sure as heck don't want to put in the effort to dig them up again... especially since now it'll feel like I wasted so much time being this not-good-enough person...

>you need to stop being so comfortable
Ahem... do you know what one of my favorite things is in life? It starts with a 'c'... I swear I have the personality type that really likes their comforts in life so I might be the wrong person to fight against this society after all... but maybe if I knew more about it I would be more motivated. You should tell me more about the non-fake life & what beautiful things it offers and how you imagine it someday! All I'm really getting an inkling on right now is that it should definitely have more real, caring, trusting, genuine relationships and communities. That feels like such a powerful thing, perhaps it's exactly why *they* don't want us to have it. I don't know who they is but ya know something like that.

>that's a good anon!
Report: I applied to 4 jobs! I will probably hear back from none! But it is what it is!