4chan Search
34 results for "f7068d725f17c9721e07030bfd3419a3"
>“Harry, did I ever tell you about my secret nephew Aurelius? He was an illegitimate half-muggle love child whom his family was ashamed of, so his mother’s sister sailed to the United States with him as a baby, instead of his father or mother. When the ship started to sink (because it was the Titanic), the unrelated half-black daughter of a rapist mind control wizard switched him out with her half-brother (whose mother was consensual, and also white). The rapist wizard didn't care about the daughter, but he did love his son, and he was afraid that his daughter’s mother's son would be angry that his mother was mind control raped and kill the baby instead of the rapist, so he sent the son he loved across the sea (on the Titanic) to be raised in an orphanage by a muggle who hated magic instead of protecting him himself. Anyway, both babies just happened to be magic, so the daughter switched them so she could have a less annoying brother. His aunt thought that her nephew was still on the Titanic, and felt so strongly about this secret shame child that she’d tried to abandon in America that she tried to swim down and rescue him and drowned instead of just using magic while the rape daughter watched and did nothing to inform her that her real son was already safe. She then gave my nephew to a French half-elf servant who served the mother, and after the mother was raped and died in childbirth, that meant she had to continue serving the rapist, who thought he was the real son, and delivered him to the orphanage. My nephew was then raised as a muggle who didn't know how to control his magic, destroyed half of New York, had sex with Voldemort's pet snake, pioneered goth fashion, killed Bambi, and joined the alt-right led by a gay, sodomizable wizard Nazi who wanted to stop WWII. By the way, don’t ask why they used a muggle boat instead of apparating or flying across the ocean. They were all good friends, except the rapist mind control wizard” he said calmly.
>"HARRY POTTER DIDYA PUTCHER FUCKIN' NAME INDA GOBLET A' FIYAH!?"
>"No sir, I-I didn't!" Harry pleaded.
>"LIAR! APOSTATE! BLASPHEMER!" Dumbledore roared in Harry's face.
>"This cannot be tolerated, Potter! You have defiled the holy sacrament of the Tri-Wizard Tournament! Now all of Hogwarts is at risk!"
>The students' faces turned pale as a ghost, and audible whispers and gasps could be heard from the crowd.
>"SILENCE!" Dumbledore declared. "Mr. Potter has committed an unforgivable sin. We all know what must be done. The Great Goblet's wrath must be appeased."
>"NO HEADMASTER, PLEASE! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" Ron cried as he stretched his legs to Harry and Dumbledore.
>"AVADA KEDABRA!" Dumbledore's wand unleashed the killing curse, and Ron's lifeless body crumpled to the floor. The students screamed in horror.
>"SILENCE, YOU FOOLISH CHILDREN! SILENCE!" Dumbledore screamed calmly.
>Snape seized Harry by the arm and dragged him to the Goblet. Dumbledore carefully took hold of the Goblet, lowering it from its pedestal onto a gold-trimmed square of silk fabric on the floor. Snape forced Harry on both knees, his neck positioned directly over the Goblet. Dumbledore stood over Harry. He and the students began to chant in unison.
>"O Great and Mighty Goblet of Fire, grant mercy to us, your unworthy servants. Accept this recompense of blood, in exchange for the sins of Hogwarts. Let the death of this blasphemer satisfy your vengeance."
>Snape unsheathed a ritual athame, and seizing Harry by his scalp began to cut his throat open. Blood gushed out into the Goblet as Harry gurgled in pain.
>"...this recompense of blood, in exchange for..."
>The flow of blood trickled off. Harry was dead. The chanting ceased, and Dumbledore turned to address the crowd of students.
>"May the death of your classmate, Harry Potter, serve as a reminder of where you stand. We serve the Goblet of Fire. The Goblet is our master."
>"The Goblet is our master..." The students chanted, and chanted...
>"No sir, I-I didn't!" Harry pleaded.
>"LIAR! APOSTATE! BLASPHEMER!" Dumbledore roared in Harry's face.
>"This cannot be tolerated, Potter! You have defiled the holy sacrament of the Tri-Wizard Tournament! Now all of Hogwarts is at risk!"
>The students' faces turned pale as a ghost, and audible whispers and gasps could be heard from the crowd.
>"SILENCE!" Dumbledore declared. "Mr. Potter has committed an unforgivable sin. We all know what must be done. The Great Goblet's wrath must be appeased."
>"NO HEADMASTER, PLEASE! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" Ron cried as he stretched his legs to Harry and Dumbledore.
>"AVADA KEDABRA!" Dumbledore's wand unleashed the killing curse, and Ron's lifeless body crumpled to the floor. The students screamed in horror.
>"SILENCE, YOU FOOLISH CHILDREN! SILENCE!" Dumbledore screamed calmly.
>Snape seized Harry by the arm and dragged him to the Goblet. Dumbledore carefully took hold of the Goblet, lowering it from its pedestal onto a gold-trimmed square of silk fabric on the floor. Snape forced Harry on both knees, his neck positioned directly over the Goblet. Dumbledore stood over Harry. He and the students began to chant in unison.
>"O Great and Mighty Goblet of Fire, grant mercy to us, your unworthy servants. Accept this recompense of blood, in exchange for the sins of Hogwarts. Let the death of this blasphemer satisfy your vengeance."
>Snape unsheathed a ritual athame, and seizing Harry by his scalp began to cut his throat open. Blood gushed out into the Goblet as Harry gurgled in pain.
>"...this recompense of blood, in exchange for..."
>The flow of blood trickled off. Harry was dead. The chanting ceased, and Dumbledore turned to address the crowd of students.
>"May the death of your classmate, Harry Potter, serve as a reminder of where you stand. We serve the Goblet of Fire. The Goblet is our master."
>"The Goblet is our master..." The students chanted, and chanted...
>heckin' serious mature adulting moment in my cinema undercut with quip
>be 11 yo me
>mommy's 300 lb wonderful wizard
>go to hogwarts
>sorted into hufflepuff
>good thing as our dorm is on the same corridor as the kitchens
>first night so it's time for some midnight tendies
>go there and demand tendies from the goblin slaves
>they have no idea what i'm talking about
>get mad and start to unleash an array of killing curses at the subhuman scum
>can use it because i'm a prodigy
>they manage do disarm me
>some look relieved thinking i'm useless without my wand
>that's a mistake they will not live to regret
>i lift my robes and yell the incantation
>"PEEPEE TORMENTUM!"
>an array of piss begins to be expelled from my magnificent 2.5 inch penis
>think like gyarados' hyper beam, but yellow, liquid and deadly
>house elves are weak to it as they disintegrate upon contact
>"ANON! DID YOU PISS IN THE KITCHEN OF FIRE?"
>it's dumb fucking door
>he stretches his legs towards me and waves his wand
>all the piss vanishes and my cock gets locket into a magic chastity cage
>he thinks i'm done now, HOWEVER, i still have a last trick upon my robe
>i turn my big boy butt towards the old man and yell
>"GAS... EXPELLO!"
>a lethal amount of big boy gas starts to be expelled from my chamber of secrets
>it quickly envelops the entire school
>i equip my original roy mustang gloves and snap my fingers while yelling the incantation
>"FARTUS... IGNIRE!"
>boom.mp3
>hogwarts is no longer, hundreds dead
>i survive, protected by my many layers of tendie tenderness
>fuckers from hogsmeade helped me go back home
>they don't suspect a thing
>mommy's 300 lb wonderful wizard
>go to hogwarts
>sorted into hufflepuff
>good thing as our dorm is on the same corridor as the kitchens
>first night so it's time for some midnight tendies
>go there and demand tendies from the goblin slaves
>they have no idea what i'm talking about
>get mad and start to unleash an array of killing curses at the subhuman scum
>can use it because i'm a prodigy
>they manage do disarm me
>some look relieved thinking i'm useless without my wand
>that's a mistake they will not live to regret
>i lift my robes and yell the incantation
>"PEEPEE TORMENTUM!"
>an array of piss begins to be expelled from my magnificent 2.5 inch penis
>think like gyarados' hyper beam, but yellow, liquid and deadly
>house elves are weak to it as they disintegrate upon contact
>"ANON! DID YOU PISS IN THE KITCHEN OF FIRE?"
>it's dumb fucking door
>he stretches his legs towards me and waves his wand
>all the piss vanishes and my cock gets locket into a magic chastity cage
>he thinks i'm done now, HOWEVER, i still have a last trick upon my robe
>i turn my big boy butt towards the old man and yell
>"GAS... EXPELLO!"
>a lethal amount of big boy gas starts to be expelled from my chamber of secrets
>it quickly envelops the entire school
>i equip my original roy mustang gloves and snap my fingers while yelling the incantation
>"FARTUS... IGNIRE!"
>boom.mp3
>hogwarts is no longer, hundreds dead
>i survive, protected by my many layers of tendie tenderness
>fuckers from hogsmeade helped me go back home
>they don't suspect a thing
>be 11 yo me
>mommy's 300 lb wonderful wizard
>go to hogwarts
>sorted into hufflepuff
>good thing as our dorm is on the same corridor as the kitchens
>first night so it's time for some midnight tendies
>go there and demand tendies from the goblin slaves
>they have no idea what i'm talking about
>get mad and start to unleash an array of killing curses at the subhuman scum
>can use it because i'm a prodigy
>they manage do disarm me
>some look relieved thinking i'm useless without my wand
>that's a mistake they will not live to regret
>i lift my robes and yell the incantation
>"PEEPEE TORMENTUM!"
>an array of piss begins to be expelled from my magnificent 2.5 inch penis
>think like gyarados' hyper beam, but yellow, liquid and deadly
>house elves are weak to it as they disintegrate upon contact
>"ANON! DID YOU PISS IN THE KITCHEN OF FIRE?"
>it's dumb fucking door
>he stretches his legs towards me and waves his wand
>all the piss vanishes and my cock gets locket into a magic chastity cage
>he thinks i'm done now, HOWEVER, i still have a last trick upon my robe
>i turn my big boy butt towards the old man and yell
>"GAS... EXPELLO!"
>a lethal amount of big boy gas starts to be expelled from my chamber of secrets
>it quickly envelops the entire school
>i equip my original roy mustang gloves and snap my fingers while yelling the incantation
>"FARTUS... IGNIRE!"
>boom.mp3
>hogwarts is no longer, hundreds dead
>i survive, protected by my many layers of tendie tenderness
>fuckers from hogsmeade helped me go back home
>they don't suspect a thing
>mommy's 300 lb wonderful wizard
>go to hogwarts
>sorted into hufflepuff
>good thing as our dorm is on the same corridor as the kitchens
>first night so it's time for some midnight tendies
>go there and demand tendies from the goblin slaves
>they have no idea what i'm talking about
>get mad and start to unleash an array of killing curses at the subhuman scum
>can use it because i'm a prodigy
>they manage do disarm me
>some look relieved thinking i'm useless without my wand
>that's a mistake they will not live to regret
>i lift my robes and yell the incantation
>"PEEPEE TORMENTUM!"
>an array of piss begins to be expelled from my magnificent 2.5 inch penis
>think like gyarados' hyper beam, but yellow, liquid and deadly
>house elves are weak to it as they disintegrate upon contact
>"ANON! DID YOU PISS IN THE KITCHEN OF FIRE?"
>it's dumb fucking door
>he stretches his legs towards me and waves his wand
>all the piss vanishes and my cock gets locket into a magic chastity cage
>he thinks i'm done now, HOWEVER, i still have a last trick upon my robe
>i turn my big boy butt towards the old man and yell
>"GAS... EXPELLO!"
>a lethal amount of big boy gas starts to be expelled from my chamber of secrets
>it quickly envelops the entire school
>i equip my original roy mustang gloves and snap my fingers while yelling the incantation
>"FARTUS... IGNIRE!"
>boom.mp3
>hogwarts is no longer, hundreds dead
>i survive, protected by my many layers of tendie tenderness
>fuckers from hogsmeade helped me go back home
>they don't suspect a thing
HARRY POTTER DID YOU JUST OPEN THE GASCHAMBER OF SECRETS WITHOUT CONNECTING IT TO THE SLYTHERIN BEDROOMS FIRST - roared Dumbledore calmly.
MINUS 1 POINT FOR EVERY SLYTHERIN THAT SURVIVED
MINUS 1 POINT FOR EVERY SLYTHERIN THAT SURVIVED
>"Harry, I must confess that I haven't been completely honest with you."
"About what, Professor Dumbledore?"
>"About the Unforgiveable Curses. You see, there aren't just three of them, but four; only a handful of wizards throughout history have known about the fourth."
"Does Voldemort know?"
>"No, thank goodness. I can only imagine the horrors he would wrought, did he know."
"And what is this fourth curse?"
Dumbledore turned to Harry, his brow furrowed.
>"Bussymus Maximus; also known as the Tranny Curse."
"What does it do?"
>"The curse takes the freshest of young men and distorts them into something... tempting."
"Tempting?"
Dumbledore nodded.
>"Would you care for a demonstration? ACCIOUS MALFOY!"
Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared before the two, completely naked.
"Wha-" Malfoy sputtered, a confused expression on his face. "What is this?!"
>"A demonstration."
Dumbledore pointed his wand at Malfoy.
>"BUSSYMUS MAXIMUS!"
Malfoy's thighs and ass suddenly began to balloon outward, growing plumper by the second. His penis soon became hidden by exorbitant amount of fat now present beneath his torso.
"I-" Malfoy stammered, "I don't understand..!"
"Fascinating," whispered Harry.
>"Brace yourself, Draco.
"For what?!" screamed Malfoy.
>"For the grand finale."
*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*
Dumbledore closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
>"Delicious."
"About what, Professor Dumbledore?"
>"About the Unforgiveable Curses. You see, there aren't just three of them, but four; only a handful of wizards throughout history have known about the fourth."
"Does Voldemort know?"
>"No, thank goodness. I can only imagine the horrors he would wrought, did he know."
"And what is this fourth curse?"
Dumbledore turned to Harry, his brow furrowed.
>"Bussymus Maximus; also known as the Tranny Curse."
"What does it do?"
>"The curse takes the freshest of young men and distorts them into something... tempting."
"Tempting?"
Dumbledore nodded.
>"Would you care for a demonstration? ACCIOUS MALFOY!"
Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared before the two, completely naked.
"Wha-" Malfoy sputtered, a confused expression on his face. "What is this?!"
>"A demonstration."
Dumbledore pointed his wand at Malfoy.
>"BUSSYMUS MAXIMUS!"
Malfoy's thighs and ass suddenly began to balloon outward, growing plumper by the second. His penis soon became hidden by exorbitant amount of fat now present beneath his torso.
"I-" Malfoy stammered, "I don't understand..!"
"Fascinating," whispered Harry.
>"Brace yourself, Draco.
"For what?!" screamed Malfoy.
>"For the grand finale."
*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*
Dumbledore closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
>"Delicious."
>Snape stumbled down the street and the darkness followed. All he had left was the wand clutched in his cold, sweaty hand. *clack* the street lamp ahead of him was swallowed by the night. The light was captured by a strange apparatus while reflecting against a pair of crescent-shaped spectacles. He was coming. "Severus, Severus, Severus", a calm voice reverberated from the void. "I assure you this is quite futile." *clack* The darkness descended upon Snape. "L-lumos.", he stammered. "Expelliarmus.", Dumbledore stated drily as he stepped next to him, his wand pointing in no particular direction. Snape's wand sunk toward the ground impotently. "The Dark Lord will-" he started, cowering on the cold brick road, but the sound of his own voice startled him to silence. "But my dear Severus, the Aurors are wanderboarding him as we speak. Soon we'll have the location of every Slytherin alumnus. Once we do, the Order shall pay them a little visit. Have their spawns try this on for size." Dumbledore pulled a brown piece of leather from his enormous, purple coat. It was the sorting hat. "You see Severus, it took me some years to calibrate this ugly rag, but finally it can sort children of all ages. Infants even." There was a cold expression in the wizard's old, watery eyes. "To get rid of a poisonous tree, it must be plugged out by the roots. You understand, don't you Severus? The Slytherin menace must be eradicated once and for all. It gives me no pleasure." But even as he said it, Dumbledore's own wand stood to attention. "Dumbledore, please..." Tears were obscuring his vision. "Imperius." the Headmaster said and Snape diligently executed his order to kneel and bite down on the curb of the sidewalk. "Farewell, Severus. No death curse for you. Disposed of like a Muggle thug... if only Lily could see you now." There was a pause - then his mind was taken by agony as the Headmaster of Hogwarts calmly stretched his leg against the back of Snape's head with tremendous force.
>TOM FUCKING RIDDLE DID YOU JUST KILL 7 SLYTHERINS TO SPLIT YOUR SOUL WITH THE FOULEST BLACK MAGIC IMAGINABLE BY MAKING HORCRUXES!? 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Dumbledore ejaculated calmly, stretching his legs over the dead bodies.
>Wait a moment, is one of them actually a Gryffindor?
>HOW COULD YOU!? MINUS ONE MILLION POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
>CRUCIO!
>Wait a moment, is one of them actually a Gryffindor?
>HOW COULD YOU!? MINUS ONE MILLION POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!
>CRUCIO!
>Renames himself to a more unique name because he doesn't like his 'generic' birth name, gets triggered when anyone calls him by his birth name
>Horrifically mutilated in his pursuit of being unique, to the extent that he's damaged his own soul
>Spends the entire series trying to get to a minor
>Ends up dying to his own avada kedavra, a spell that literally has the acronym of 'AK'
How did JKR get away with this?
>Horrifically mutilated in his pursuit of being unique, to the extent that he's damaged his own soul
>Spends the entire series trying to get to a minor
>Ends up dying to his own avada kedavra, a spell that literally has the acronym of 'AK'
How did JKR get away with this?
SAIYAN SEX!!!!! SAIYAN SEX SAIYAN SEX!!!!!!!!!!
IN THE HALLWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN THE HALLWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>215209185
This nigga look like someones grandma, lmao wtf are they thinking homie
This nigga look like someones grandma, lmao wtf are they thinking homie
>Harry Potter did you slip Veritaserum into the Israeli President's drink at the UN Holocaust Memorial Summit?
>The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is so far up my ass they've found the elder wand
>The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is so far up my ass they've found the elder wand
>first year at Hogwarts
>witness that Daphne Greengrass being an ass towards my fellow Gryffindor house member Harry
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
>somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Greengrass
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
>itstimetostrike.howler
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Greengrass's face changes
>she drops her tights as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Greengrass lets it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Greengrass grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to passing poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Greengrass drops on all fours with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Dumbledore catches us
>ohshit.portrait
>1/2
>witness that Daphne Greengrass being an ass towards my fellow Gryffindor house member Harry
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
>somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Greengrass
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
>itstimetostrike.howler
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Greengrass's face changes
>she drops her tights as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Greengrass lets it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Greengrass grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to passing poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Greengrass drops on all fours with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Dumbledore catches us
>ohshit.portrait
>1/2
>>720398087
>"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS" he cried, his hard, elderly wand erect in his hands, pointed at Malfoy
>The boy fell in front of the podium, rigid as a board, his eyes glaring with complete and utter shock at the headmaster's actions.
>"COLLOPORTUS!" Dumbledore shot into the air with a roaring boom. locking all the doors in the hall.
>With Malfoy's stiffened body propped up against the podium, Dumbledore turned around, dropped his trousers, and revealed the most very forbidden forest, white, grey, and speckled with brown.
>A magnificent groan echoed throughout the hall, as the headmaster squatted down above the boy's face.
>BRAAAP
>BRAAAAAAPPPPP
>The entire hall gasped in horror as Dumbledore's steaming greenish stink splattered across Malfoy's face. All the poor boy could do was take it.
>A wretched smell filled the air, something worse than a Troll after sweet copulation
>BRRAAAAAPPPP
>"AHAHAHAHa! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, OH YES SYLTHERIN EXCELLENT INDEED! HEHEHEHE!" Gandolf bellowed insanely as his brown bowel brew blasted forth from his prolapsed butthole, gushing hot torrent after gushing hot torrent
>"BRRRAAAAPPPP
>The Professors threw their heads back in hysterical laughter. There was no question that they were having the time of their lives, watching as Dumbledore's putrid poop potion plastered Malfoy's prissy pretty boy face.
>BRRAAPP
>The students were in chaos. Slytherin House was absolutely humiliated as their Headmaster's cankerous colon concoction encrusted Malfoy's face, his clothes, and the floor, spreading through the entire hall.
>Eventually Dumbledore's fecal fountain floundered. He pulled up his trousers, angrily screaming calmly "DID YOU SLYTHERIN SCUM SINCERELY SURMISE THAT I WOULD LET YOU WIN ANYTHING?! YOU ARE SATAN'S CHILDREN! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WARS IN HISTORY! YOUR CRUCIFIED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST!"
>The entire hall erupted into applause at Dumbledore's righteous rebuke of the demonic Slytherin kikes. The end.
>"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS" he cried, his hard, elderly wand erect in his hands, pointed at Malfoy
>The boy fell in front of the podium, rigid as a board, his eyes glaring with complete and utter shock at the headmaster's actions.
>"COLLOPORTUS!" Dumbledore shot into the air with a roaring boom. locking all the doors in the hall.
>With Malfoy's stiffened body propped up against the podium, Dumbledore turned around, dropped his trousers, and revealed the most very forbidden forest, white, grey, and speckled with brown.
>A magnificent groan echoed throughout the hall, as the headmaster squatted down above the boy's face.
>BRAAAP
>BRAAAAAAPPPPP
>The entire hall gasped in horror as Dumbledore's steaming greenish stink splattered across Malfoy's face. All the poor boy could do was take it.
>A wretched smell filled the air, something worse than a Troll after sweet copulation
>BRRAAAAAPPPP
>"AHAHAHAHa! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, OH YES SYLTHERIN EXCELLENT INDEED! HEHEHEHE!" Gandolf bellowed insanely as his brown bowel brew blasted forth from his prolapsed butthole, gushing hot torrent after gushing hot torrent
>"BRRRAAAAPPPP
>The Professors threw their heads back in hysterical laughter. There was no question that they were having the time of their lives, watching as Dumbledore's putrid poop potion plastered Malfoy's prissy pretty boy face.
>BRRAAPP
>The students were in chaos. Slytherin House was absolutely humiliated as their Headmaster's cankerous colon concoction encrusted Malfoy's face, his clothes, and the floor, spreading through the entire hall.
>Eventually Dumbledore's fecal fountain floundered. He pulled up his trousers, angrily screaming calmly "DID YOU SLYTHERIN SCUM SINCERELY SURMISE THAT I WOULD LET YOU WIN ANYTHING?! YOU ARE SATAN'S CHILDREN! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WARS IN HISTORY! YOUR CRUCIFIED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST!"
>The entire hall erupted into applause at Dumbledore's righteous rebuke of the demonic Slytherin kikes. The end.
>first year at Hogwarts
>witness that Daphne Greengrass being an ass towards my fellow Gryffindor house member Harry
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
>somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Greengrass
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
>itstimetostrike.howler
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Greengrass's face changes
>she drops her tights as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Greengrass lets it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Greengrass grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to passing poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Greengrass drops on all fours with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Dumbledore catches us
>ohshit.portrait
>1/2
>witness that Daphne Greengrass being an ass towards my fellow Gryffindor house member Harry
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
>somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Greengrass
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
>itstimetostrike.howler
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Greengrass's face changes
>she drops her tights as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Greengrass lets it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Greengrass grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to passing poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Greengrass drops on all fours with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Dumbledore catches us
>ohshit.portrait
>1/2
>"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS" he cried, his hard, elderly wand erect in his hands, pointed at Malfoy
>The boy fell in front of the podium, rigid as a board, his eyes glaring with complete and utter shock at the headmaster's actions.
>"COLLOPORTUS!" Dumbledore shot into the air with a roaring boom. locking all the doors in the hall.
>With Malfoy's stiffened body propped up against the podium, Dumbledore turned around, dropped his trousers, and revealed the most very forbidden forest, white, grey, and speckled with brown.
>A magnificent groan echoed throughout the hall, as the headmaster squatted down above the boy's face.
>BRAAAP
>BRAAAAAAPPPPP
>The entire hall gasped in horror as Dumbledore's steaming greenish stink splattered across Malfoy's face. All the poor boy could do was take it.
>A wretched smell filled the air, something worse than a Troll after sweet copulation
>BRRAAAAAPPPP
>"AHAHAHAHa! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, OH YES SYLTHERIN EXCELLENT INDEED! HEHEHEHE!" Gandolf bellowed insanely as his brown bowel brew blasted forth from his prolapsed butthole, gushing hot torrent after gushing hot torrent
>"BRRRAAAAPPPP
>The Professors threw their heads back in hysterical laughter. There was no question that they were having the time of their lives, watching as Dumbledore's putrid poop potion plastered Malfoy's prissy pretty boy face.
>BRRAAPP
>The students were in chaos. Slytherin House was absolutely humiliated as their Headmaster's cankerous colon concoction encrusted Malfoy's face, his clothes, and the floor, spreading through the entire hall.
>Eventually Dumbledore's fecal fountain floundered. He pulled up his trousers, angrily screaming calmly "DID YOU SLYTHERIN SCUM SINCERELY SURMISE THAT I WOULD LET YOU WIN ANYTHING?! YOU ARE SATAN'S CHILDREN! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WARS IN HISTORY! YOUR CRUCIFIED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST!"
>The entire hall erupted into applause at Dumbledore's righteous rebuke of the demonic Slytherin kikes. The end.
>The boy fell in front of the podium, rigid as a board, his eyes glaring with complete and utter shock at the headmaster's actions.
>"COLLOPORTUS!" Dumbledore shot into the air with a roaring boom. locking all the doors in the hall.
>With Malfoy's stiffened body propped up against the podium, Dumbledore turned around, dropped his trousers, and revealed the most very forbidden forest, white, grey, and speckled with brown.
>A magnificent groan echoed throughout the hall, as the headmaster squatted down above the boy's face.
>BRAAAP
>BRAAAAAAPPPPP
>The entire hall gasped in horror as Dumbledore's steaming greenish stink splattered across Malfoy's face. All the poor boy could do was take it.
>A wretched smell filled the air, something worse than a Troll after sweet copulation
>BRRAAAAAPPPP
>"AHAHAHAHa! WELL DONE SLYTHERIN, OH YES SYLTHERIN EXCELLENT INDEED! HEHEHEHE!" Gandolf bellowed insanely as his brown bowel brew blasted forth from his prolapsed butthole, gushing hot torrent after gushing hot torrent
>"BRRRAAAAPPPP
>The Professors threw their heads back in hysterical laughter. There was no question that they were having the time of their lives, watching as Dumbledore's putrid poop potion plastered Malfoy's prissy pretty boy face.
>BRRAAPP
>The students were in chaos. Slytherin House was absolutely humiliated as their Headmaster's cankerous colon concoction encrusted Malfoy's face, his clothes, and the floor, spreading through the entire hall.
>Eventually Dumbledore's fecal fountain floundered. He pulled up his trousers, angrily screaming calmly "DID YOU SLYTHERIN SCUM SINCERELY SURMISE THAT I WOULD LET YOU WIN ANYTHING?! YOU ARE SATAN'S CHILDREN! YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE WARS IN HISTORY! YOUR CRUCIFIED OUR LORD AND SAVIOR, JESUS CHRIST!"
>The entire hall erupted into applause at Dumbledore's righteous rebuke of the demonic Slytherin kikes. The end.
>>213939688
>He's Pakistani. The
Need I remind you of the wisdom of Dumbledore?
>"Step forward, my dear!" Dumbledore said to the girl, smiling warmly. Padma Patil approached cautiously, her fellow first years watching with interest.
>Stooping over to bring his face close to hers, Dumbledore asked, "From where are you joining us, young lady?"
>"India!" Padma replied. She had hardly uttered the last syllable before Dumbledore seized the girl by her collar and, with superhuman strength, shoved her into the wall. Such was his force that a spatter of bright red blood was left upon the rough hewn stone where Padma had impacted it, before falling into a heap upon the floor, utterly motionless. The great hall fell silent.
>"We are well rid of such filth," Dumbledore said calmly, the warmth now gone from his voice. "Now, next!"
>Parvati Patil stepped past her twin sister's corpse, struggling to contain her sobs. Nervously, she approached the Headmaster.
>"And where is it that you're from, my dusky dear?" Dumbledore asked.
>"P-Pakistan...?"
>"Pakistan?" Dumbledore turned to the assembled students. "Pakistan!" he said mirthfully, beaming. A nervous laughter of relief rippled through the crowd.
>And then, in a blindingly quick motion, Dumbledore seized the girl's head forcefully and brought it in close to his. Partvati's body writhed and thrashed violently for a moment as Dumbledore applied the Dementor's Kiss, filling the last few moments of the girl's life with raw agony before she crumpled beside her sister.
>Straightening himself, Dumbledore turned back to the students and let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Pakistan," he said, "is India."
>He's Pakistani. The
Need I remind you of the wisdom of Dumbledore?
>"Step forward, my dear!" Dumbledore said to the girl, smiling warmly. Padma Patil approached cautiously, her fellow first years watching with interest.
>Stooping over to bring his face close to hers, Dumbledore asked, "From where are you joining us, young lady?"
>"India!" Padma replied. She had hardly uttered the last syllable before Dumbledore seized the girl by her collar and, with superhuman strength, shoved her into the wall. Such was his force that a spatter of bright red blood was left upon the rough hewn stone where Padma had impacted it, before falling into a heap upon the floor, utterly motionless. The great hall fell silent.
>"We are well rid of such filth," Dumbledore said calmly, the warmth now gone from his voice. "Now, next!"
>Parvati Patil stepped past her twin sister's corpse, struggling to contain her sobs. Nervously, she approached the Headmaster.
>"And where is it that you're from, my dusky dear?" Dumbledore asked.
>"P-Pakistan...?"
>"Pakistan?" Dumbledore turned to the assembled students. "Pakistan!" he said mirthfully, beaming. A nervous laughter of relief rippled through the crowd.
>And then, in a blindingly quick motion, Dumbledore seized the girl's head forcefully and brought it in close to his. Partvati's body writhed and thrashed violently for a moment as Dumbledore applied the Dementor's Kiss, filling the last few moments of the girl's life with raw agony before she crumpled beside her sister.
>Straightening himself, Dumbledore turned back to the students and let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Pakistan," he said, "is India."
>"POTTER DID YOU LET IN THREE GOALS TO A PALMER-LESS CHELSEA" Dumbledore roared, shaking the very foundations of the wizarding world, calmly.
>HAAAAARRRRY POTTER DID YOU REDEEM YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIRE" Dumbledore roared, shaking the very foundations of the wizarding world, calmly.
>"No sir," Harry answered promptly "it was a Paki"
>Dumbledore looked in half-amazement, took a deep breath to calm himself , and screamed racial expletives so strong that somewhere, in the middle of getting pounded by 20 inch ginger cock in the library, Hermione Granger winced in the throes of white woman-POC empathy.
>" CURRY MUNCHER!, TUMERIC HUFFER!" Dumbledore exclaimed "DIAGON ALLEY SHITTER! LITERAL MUD-BLOOD! DOOKIE THE HOUSE ELF! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SMELLED"
>"Whats more," Harry added whilst handing Dumbledore his phone midst the tirade, "He sent us the ransom demands"
>Dumbledore squinted his eyes, slowly reading through the contents of the electronic letter that the poster had sent him, and then proceeded to get even angrier.
>"SIX MILLION GOLDEN GALLEONS!? WHAT KIND OF MONEY DOES HE THINK HOGWARTS HAS? WE BARELY HAVE ENOUGH FUNDING AS IT IS, WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE GOBLINS OVER? SLAVERY IS ECONOMICAL, POTTER! And whats more...he wants to meet a certain "Bob" and "Virginia"!? Who on earth are these people? Could he talking about Robert Dunsley from Ravenclaw? Goodness knows, potter, all i know is i cant pay this up!"
>Harry nodded in agreement, "i guess you have to take extreme measures , sir?"
>"INDEED I WILL. Potter, contact Moaning myrtle and ask her to coax the indian students from their natural habitat- she lives there after all, and bring them to me. I PROMISE YOU i will have them strung up like chicken ready to be made into butter masala if they dont reveal which one of them it was. ILL STARVE THE LOT OF THEM, OR MY NAME ISNT ALBUS WINSTON CHURCHILL BRIAN DUMBLEDORE THE 2ND"
>"No sir," Harry answered promptly "it was a Paki"
>Dumbledore looked in half-amazement, took a deep breath to calm himself , and screamed racial expletives so strong that somewhere, in the middle of getting pounded by 20 inch ginger cock in the library, Hermione Granger winced in the throes of white woman-POC empathy.
>" CURRY MUNCHER!, TUMERIC HUFFER!" Dumbledore exclaimed "DIAGON ALLEY SHITTER! LITERAL MUD-BLOOD! DOOKIE THE HOUSE ELF! HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-SMELLED"
>"Whats more," Harry added whilst handing Dumbledore his phone midst the tirade, "He sent us the ransom demands"
>Dumbledore squinted his eyes, slowly reading through the contents of the electronic letter that the poster had sent him, and then proceeded to get even angrier.
>"SIX MILLION GOLDEN GALLEONS!? WHAT KIND OF MONEY DOES HE THINK HOGWARTS HAS? WE BARELY HAVE ENOUGH FUNDING AS IT IS, WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVE GOBLINS OVER? SLAVERY IS ECONOMICAL, POTTER! And whats more...he wants to meet a certain "Bob" and "Virginia"!? Who on earth are these people? Could he talking about Robert Dunsley from Ravenclaw? Goodness knows, potter, all i know is i cant pay this up!"
>Harry nodded in agreement, "i guess you have to take extreme measures , sir?"
>"INDEED I WILL. Potter, contact Moaning myrtle and ask her to coax the indian students from their natural habitat- she lives there after all, and bring them to me. I PROMISE YOU i will have them strung up like chicken ready to be made into butter masala if they dont reveal which one of them it was. ILL STARVE THE LOT OF THEM, OR MY NAME ISNT ALBUS WINSTON CHURCHILL BRIAN DUMBLEDORE THE 2ND"
>"Step forward, my dear!" Dumbledore said to the girl, smiling warmly. Padma Patil approached cautiously, her fellow first years watching with interest.
>Stooping over to bring his face close to hers, Dumbledore asked, "From where are you joining us, young lady?"
>"India!" Padma replied. She had hardly uttered the last syllable before Dumbledore seized the girl by her collar and, with superhuman strength, shoved her into the wall. Such was his force that a spatter of bright red blood was left upon the rough hewn stone where Padma had impacted it, before falling into a heap upon the floor, utterly motionless. The great hall fell silent.
>"We are well rid of such filth," Dumbledore said calmly, the warmth now gone from his voice. "Now, next!"
>Parvati Patil stepped past her twin sister's corpse, struggling to contain her sobs. Nervously, she approached the Headmaster.
>"And where is it that you're from, my dusky dear?" Dumbledore asked.
>"P-Pakistan...?"
>"Pakistan?" Dumbledore turned to the assembled students. "Pakistan!" he said mirthfully, beaming. A nervous laughter of relief rippled through the crowd.
>And then, in a blindingly quick motion, Dumbledore seized the girl's head forcefully and brought it in close to his. Partvati's body writhed and thrashed violently for a moment as Dumbledore applied the Dementor's Kiss, filling the last few moments of the girl's life with raw agony before she crumpled beside her sister.
>Straightening himself, Dumbledore turned back to the students and let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Pakistan," he said, "is India."
>Stooping over to bring his face close to hers, Dumbledore asked, "From where are you joining us, young lady?"
>"India!" Padma replied. She had hardly uttered the last syllable before Dumbledore seized the girl by her collar and, with superhuman strength, shoved her into the wall. Such was his force that a spatter of bright red blood was left upon the rough hewn stone where Padma had impacted it, before falling into a heap upon the floor, utterly motionless. The great hall fell silent.
>"We are well rid of such filth," Dumbledore said calmly, the warmth now gone from his voice. "Now, next!"
>Parvati Patil stepped past her twin sister's corpse, struggling to contain her sobs. Nervously, she approached the Headmaster.
>"And where is it that you're from, my dusky dear?" Dumbledore asked.
>"P-Pakistan...?"
>"Pakistan?" Dumbledore turned to the assembled students. "Pakistan!" he said mirthfully, beaming. A nervous laughter of relief rippled through the crowd.
>And then, in a blindingly quick motion, Dumbledore seized the girl's head forcefully and brought it in close to his. Partvati's body writhed and thrashed violently for a moment as Dumbledore applied the Dementor's Kiss, filling the last few moments of the girl's life with raw agony before she crumpled beside her sister.
>Straightening himself, Dumbledore turned back to the students and let out a long, satisfied sigh. "Pakistan," he said, "is India."
>>213665078
Those feet belong in my mouth..my gawd
Those feet belong in my mouth..my gawd
>be me
>Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
>150 y/o, headmaster of Hogwarts, gay as the day is long
>sitting in my office, reading the Daily Prophet
>see a Muggle headline: “UK Online Safety Act comes into effect”
>decide to read more
>“forces websites to proactively police harmful content”
>mfw Muggles reinvent Umbridge’s Educational Decree #29
>Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
>150 y/o, headmaster of Hogwarts, gay as the day is long
>sitting in my office, reading the Daily Prophet
>see a Muggle headline: “UK Online Safety Act comes into effect”
>decide to read more
>“forces websites to proactively police harmful content”
>mfw Muggles reinvent Umbridge’s Educational Decree #29
>>212948504
>”Yes, yes, well done Trump, well done...HOWEVER, extra votes must be taken into account.”
>Dumbledore stretches his legs as he stands on top of the table.
>”ONE VOTE FOR KAMALA FOR EVERY JEW KILLED IN THE HOLOCAUST!” he says calmly
>The Kamala house begins to cheer ecstatically.
>Dumbledore gets down from the table and sits back down.
>”And, if my calculations are correct, I believe a final call of the Presidential election is in order.”
>He claps his hands twice. Suddenly, ropes emerge from the ceiling above the Kamala house. The Stein and Oliver houses look on in confusion as the ropes tighten around the necks of the Kamala house’s army of soibois, trannies and non-whites, lifting them up into the air. Kamala Harris looks on in horror as his house is wasted in front of him.
>”WE PROUDLY DECLARE DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES!” Dumbledore screams calmly. “IN FACT, 538 ELECTORAL VOTES TO TRUMP! THE STATES SHALL RUN RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE DEMOCRATS!”
>Trump house begins celebrating as the last twitches from the hanged KamalaSisters occur. Soon, Stein and Oliver, along with their students, begin to clap as well.
>Joe Biden, forgetting where he is or what just happened, joins in the raucous applause too
>”Yes, yes, well done Trump, well done...HOWEVER, extra votes must be taken into account.”
>Dumbledore stretches his legs as he stands on top of the table.
>”ONE VOTE FOR KAMALA FOR EVERY JEW KILLED IN THE HOLOCAUST!” he says calmly
>The Kamala house begins to cheer ecstatically.
>Dumbledore gets down from the table and sits back down.
>”And, if my calculations are correct, I believe a final call of the Presidential election is in order.”
>He claps his hands twice. Suddenly, ropes emerge from the ceiling above the Kamala house. The Stein and Oliver houses look on in confusion as the ropes tighten around the necks of the Kamala house’s army of soibois, trannies and non-whites, lifting them up into the air. Kamala Harris looks on in horror as his house is wasted in front of him.
>”WE PROUDLY DECLARE DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED STATES!” Dumbledore screams calmly. “IN FACT, 538 ELECTORAL VOTES TO TRUMP! THE STATES SHALL RUN RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF THE DEMOCRATS!”
>Trump house begins celebrating as the last twitches from the hanged KamalaSisters occur. Soon, Stein and Oliver, along with their students, begin to clap as well.
>Joe Biden, forgetting where he is or what just happened, joins in the raucous applause too
>Harry Potter did you slip Veritaserum into the Israeli President's drink at the UN Holocaust Memorial Summit?
>The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is further up my ass than Grindelwald's elder wand
>The Ministry is trying to work out how to do a worldwide memory charm and Gringotts is further up my ass than Grindelwald's elder wand
>first year at Hogwarts
>witness that mudblood Hermione slapping my fellow Slytherin house member Draco
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Hermione
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
itstimetostrike.mp3
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Hermione's face changes
>she drops her pants as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Hermione let it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Hermione grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to pass poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Hermione drops on all four with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Snape catches us
ohshit.portrait
1/2
>witness that mudblood Hermione slapping my fellow Slytherin house member Draco
>assemble my friends and tell them my plan of revenge
somehourslater.scroll
>we stretch our legs in pursuit of Hermione
>Hermione gets among her fellow house members outside
>we're hiding in the distance behind some bushes so they can't see us
itstimetostrike.mp3
>drop out pants and with loud grunts we give birth to massive poops
>we've been saving our poops for days
>we complements eachother's poops before I aim my wand on mine
>'TELEPORTUS'
>we watch with glee as Hermione's face changes
>she drops her pants as fast as lightning and crouches
>her friends doesn't bat an eye as it's still practiced to defecate & evaporate
>she's certainly pushing hard to get it out
>just as Hermione let it go we teleport in another poop
>we hear Hermione grunting loudly
>her friends starts paying attention to her
>she's clearly struggling as she's not used to pass poops of this magnitude and frequency
>'TELEPORTUS!'
>Hermione drops on all four with sweat forming on her forehead
>we teleport the poops with such rapidness giving her no time to gather her thoughts
>her friends' faces are mixed with confusion and disgust
>we laugh as our revenge is done
>Snape catches us
ohshit.portrait
1/2
>>21466714
You take that back, bitch tits. Right NAAAAAOWWW!
You take that back, bitch tits. Right NAAAAAOWWW!
>>212686599
Good. We can get back to dumbledore postin when all the capeshitters leave
Good. We can get back to dumbledore postin when all the capeshitters leave
>The applause faded as Dumbledore raised his hand to speak
>"Thank you,students, for that most heartwarming welcome back to Hogwarts. I daresay Professor McGonagall more than rose to the occassion in my absence".
>"As you all know I spent the last few months attending a leadership workshop at Uagando, the African academy of pagan voodoo magic. There I learned a great deal about all sorts of exotic sorcery, such as the ability to transfigure oneself into a goat to escape punishment for crimes."
>"However, what I found most fascinating was their tradition of sorting students not by arbitrary houses, but by nation of origin. Which is why I'm pleased to announce that Hogwarts will now be doing the same, as I'm sure you've already noticed."
>He gestured to the flags of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland hung above the four tables.
>"But there will be time to discuss this later. For now, let us begin tonight's feast!"
>With a wave of his hand, Dumbledore summoned the food to the tables. Plates of scrumptuous pies and vegetables glazed just right, savory cuts of turkey swimming in gravy, delectable treacle tarts and trays of warm fudge, and tankards of butterbeer all appeared before the eyes of the students...
>Except for the Irish.
>At the Irish table appeared only potatoes. Heaps and heaps of brown, raw potatoes.
>Dumbledore smiled at the dumbstruck Irish students. "What's the matter, children? Something wrong with your dinner?"
>Nervously, Seamus Finnegan picked up a fork and prepared to poke one of the potatoes.
>"WEAPON!" Dumbledore cried, "THAT MICK HAS A WEAPON! WATCH OUT!" He brandished his wand at Seamus, whose hand exploded in a spray of red mist.
>"IS THIS HOW YOU LEPRECHAUNS REPAY MY HOSPITALITY? MISTER FILCH, ESCORT IRELAND TO THE GAS CHAMBER OF SECRETS AT ONCE! ENGLISH STUDENTS, YOU MAY TAKE THEIR COMMON ROOM!"
>"Thank you,students, for that most heartwarming welcome back to Hogwarts. I daresay Professor McGonagall more than rose to the occassion in my absence".
>"As you all know I spent the last few months attending a leadership workshop at Uagando, the African academy of pagan voodoo magic. There I learned a great deal about all sorts of exotic sorcery, such as the ability to transfigure oneself into a goat to escape punishment for crimes."
>"However, what I found most fascinating was their tradition of sorting students not by arbitrary houses, but by nation of origin. Which is why I'm pleased to announce that Hogwarts will now be doing the same, as I'm sure you've already noticed."
>He gestured to the flags of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland hung above the four tables.
>"But there will be time to discuss this later. For now, let us begin tonight's feast!"
>With a wave of his hand, Dumbledore summoned the food to the tables. Plates of scrumptuous pies and vegetables glazed just right, savory cuts of turkey swimming in gravy, delectable treacle tarts and trays of warm fudge, and tankards of butterbeer all appeared before the eyes of the students...
>Except for the Irish.
>At the Irish table appeared only potatoes. Heaps and heaps of brown, raw potatoes.
>Dumbledore smiled at the dumbstruck Irish students. "What's the matter, children? Something wrong with your dinner?"
>Nervously, Seamus Finnegan picked up a fork and prepared to poke one of the potatoes.
>"WEAPON!" Dumbledore cried, "THAT MICK HAS A WEAPON! WATCH OUT!" He brandished his wand at Seamus, whose hand exploded in a spray of red mist.
>"IS THIS HOW YOU LEPRECHAUNS REPAY MY HOSPITALITY? MISTER FILCH, ESCORT IRELAND TO THE GAS CHAMBER OF SECRETS AT ONCE! ENGLISH STUDENTS, YOU MAY TAKE THEIR COMMON ROOM!"
>As he stretched his legs through the Great Hall, Harry caught sight of Ginny holding hands with Dean Thomas. He felt a pang of jealousy and again wondered who he should take to the Yule Ball.
>"I don't approve of it either, Harry," Dumbledore said, having stretched his legs silently up to Harry's side and taking him by surprise, "Never have, never will."
>"Professor?" said Harry, confused as to what the half-moon bespectacled old wizard was referring to.
>"Miscegenation." He gave Harry a long and serious look before stretching his legs towards the door. After a few long strides he turned back and said "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean that I don't care for the future of the white race. Heil Hitler."
>"Heil Hitler." Harry responded before he had a chance to think about what he was saying.
>A sudden outburst of sobbing made Harry twist around in time to see Ching Chong stretching her legs towards the bathroom.
>Harry sighed and stretched his legs after her, rehearsing in his mind how he would explain to her that he considered her to be an honorary Aryan.
>"I don't approve of it either, Harry," Dumbledore said, having stretched his legs silently up to Harry's side and taking him by surprise, "Never have, never will."
>"Professor?" said Harry, confused as to what the half-moon bespectacled old wizard was referring to.
>"Miscegenation." He gave Harry a long and serious look before stretching his legs towards the door. After a few long strides he turned back and said "Just because I'm gay, doesn't mean that I don't care for the future of the white race. Heil Hitler."
>"Heil Hitler." Harry responded before he had a chance to think about what he was saying.
>A sudden outburst of sobbing made Harry twist around in time to see Ching Chong stretching her legs towards the bathroom.
>Harry sighed and stretched his legs after her, rehearsing in his mind how he would explain to her that he considered her to be an honorary Aryan.
>“Dayum Liley! Yo white ass finna be packin’ cake, naw I’m sayin? I’d hit that shit from behind fo sho!” Severus Snape exclaimed while Lily Evans giggled as they sat at breakfast in the Great Hall. James watched and listened to Snape’s ebonic wooing with a seething rage, the monster in his chest growled and muttered crime and domestic abuse statistics categorized by race. At the head table, Dumbledore quietly surveyed the scene. He rose and with a flourish of his wand conjured a rope which wrapped itself about Snape’s neck. “Winguardium Leviosa!” He cried and with a swish and flick the rope jolted Snape into the air. Snape only had time to utter a confused “Ayo” before he was hoisted from the Slytherin table. He stretched his legs frantically as he fought for air, wheezing out “I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.”. The whole hall erupted into cheers as students pelted Snape’s body with stones as it swung in the gentle Hogwarts breeze.
>“Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!”, boomed Dumbledore calmly. It was the first evening of the school year and the students were seated in the hall. The wizened old headmaster paced back and forth in front of the main table, gathering his thoughts.
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”
>“I know you are all anxious to begin the feast, but there are a few ground rules that we need to go over before the start of this academic year. Given the events of the last term, a number of new restrictions have been put in place."
>“Firstly, there will be no more WhizBangs inserted into other students’ rectums! Yes, even if it is consensual, Fred Weasley! I simply cannot condone more than three or four reconstructive anal surgeries to take place per school year.”
>"The constant littering in the restrooms will stop immediately. Our caretaker, Mr. Filch, spent this past summer trying to recuperate from a particularly embarrassing case of gonorrhea having to clean up after you lot. If I hear of one more used Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavor Condoms found on the school grounds I will personally revoke all of Slytherin’s points!”
>Dumbledore paused, then began to stretch his mouth again, “On a similar note, graffiti is strictly forbidden. Last semester, Hogwarts was defaced by a spree of senseless vandalism. We found the initials ‘DEH’ carved no less than one hundred forty-seven times into the castle walls, desks, and even Mr. Filch’s cat.”
>“Lastly, in order to enforce these new rules, I have hired a platoon of private contractors to patrol the grounds. Yes, many of them are dementors or ex-Azkaban prisoners, but until some of your parents cough up your tuition fees, I’m afraid Hogwarts will have to settle for the lowest bidder. In light of the fact that some of the ex-cons have not been sufficiently reformed, I have generously given each student a rape whistle and signed them up for a self-defence class at Bunn’s Gun and Run (formerly Snape’s) in Hogsmeade.”
SOILENCE!
>Dumbledore is peacefully working in his office
>Suddenly the door opens
>In walks Snape wearing the proud black and red robes of Gryffindor, a symbol of a racially equal wizard society
>Dumbledore shrieks in terror and goes for his wand, points it at the intruder and screams RIDDIKULUS
>Dumbledore breathes a sigh of relief as the boggart retreats back into the castle
>Suddenly the door opens
>In walks Snape wearing the proud black and red robes of Gryffindor, a symbol of a racially equal wizard society
>Dumbledore shrieks in terror and goes for his wand, points it at the intruder and screams RIDDIKULUS
>Dumbledore breathes a sigh of relief as the boggart retreats back into the castle