Words without want
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I post here because to hell with R9K or /b/. I really always wonder about myself, mostly because I don't know myself at all. I suppose I am an amateur 'writer', but I just sort of stumbled into that. In the same way I just adhere to referring to the weird mass that is 'I' with personal pronouns. I was born well off and became educated and because I could never stay friends with anyone for more than a year my accompaniment was mostly media growing up. Even then, when I've spent my life on that, there's not an iota of assurance that I'm anything other than nominally taking on the label of an idea. I have no idea if I can express something unique or profound or even just derivative of decent. I feel all I'd ever be doing is slinging words from an list together in a way which stimulates the eyes but not anything else. That leads me to my point, I know 2 things of myself: Many moments I despise myself, and in others I love life. I don't know why I despise myself, like where it actually came from. It's there though. I know in the moments where I'm loving anything I'm not thinking about who I am, or what anything is. I'm ignorant and then I believe I can be like that forever. I thought so when I aged from a boy to a teenager, and subsequently in the following years when I tried to be meditative and at peace. Then and there I thought I'd actually conquered something. Only to go right around a bend again and hit myself. It seems like I'm changing, but all it is is oscillation. Something like that. What I was is dead, I come back and see myself again and then I climb and fall. If I'm aware of it and trying to stop myself- it happens, if I'm intentionally blank of myself it happens anyway. I don't say any of that to have a conclusion, because I myself don't. Neither do I intend to sound profound or pretentious, though I think I definitely exude the latter of those two. I have the sensation that I'm not unique at all, and I know this. In some way or the other someone has had these exact words with themself and had the exact same result. Essentially yelling into a vacuum. Now, in all reality I don't know why I wrote this. It's like that vague 'want' where I wanted to be a writer, and to write all my ideas till conclusion. So, I don't know, say what you want in reply or don't say anything at all. I don't have much more to say today myself.
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Last: 11/6/2025, 10:07:53 AM