Thread 40763605

Treat Edition
previous: >>40648685

Goal of the thread: Treat yourself to something nice, be it a meal, a hot bath, or something else you'd enjoy doing.
Daily goals can be repeated. Remember to keep score, it can only go up!

>What is this thread for?
Getting better is hard, and sucks. A lot. It does not get easier doing it alone.
Share resources and experiences with combating depression, anxiety, personal issues, achieving or maintaining a healthy weight, etc.
>Why is this thread /lgbt/?
Struggles with mental and physical health are an indisputable part of /lgbt/ life, be it from dysphoria, social pressure, heartbreak, or just unfortunate lifestyle choices.
>Notes to consider:
Please be civil. Shame is your greatest enemy in fighting urges of self abuse (be it sh, drugs, or just self deprecation). Relapsing into bad and unhealthy habits is to be expected, the goal is to increase the average amount of time it takes between relapses. Any improvement is a victory no matter how small. Your worth and right to get better are non-negotiable. And most importantly:
WE ARE NOT THERAPISTS, WE DON'T REPLACE MEDICATION
>Note on advice
Generic advice won't necessarily help you in particular, but for those it does it is an essential foundation to build future progress on, not a miracle cure. Do not underestimate the effects subtle changes to your lifestyle can have. Try first, keep us posted on your progress, build from there.

We are *always* short on self help resources, so if anything was useful to you, let us know!
Since the OP is getting too long I moved all resources into their own post, see below!

## RESOURCE LINKS:

Resource link paste: https://rentry.co/sig-resources-2025-07
General advice from Anons: https://sntry.cc/sig-tips-2024-04
Posts from other sites (markdown format): https://sntry.cc/sig-posts-2024-04

Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: presently defunct afaik.
Discord: https://discord.gg/pUuXdBjKX2

>>40763605 (OP)
I will follow up to previous thread's replies after I get at least 6 hours of sleep.

Goodluck and good night, everyone.

Yesterday was my first day on the clock post vacation. The thread has been reasonably active again! Thank you so much for everyone keeping it bumped.
Sure, it fell off the catalog tonight, it seems that US hours (when eurozone is asleep) when we are most likely to archive.
>>40763813
rest well!

>>40763605 (OP)
I'm so glad that I'm probably wasting my time and will lose my shot a career to a fucking mental tic that I have no control over.
So glad I spent 2 years working towards something that'll probably just get taken away from me by this stupid fucking disorder.
And I can't even find any answers, will i get blood tested??? Who fucking knows, heaven forbid there is transparency.
But yeah good to know I'll get to work menial labour for however long it takes for me to accept a likely failed transition (because lateshit) before slotting myself because can't have anything good happen that would make it too easy.

I mean what the fuck would even be the point of trying to cling onto anything when I don't even get to try and prove I'm a worthwhile person. Why even try, it's their world and I dont even get a chance to not be seen as worthless because the only way to appease them is to swallow the sharp end of a 12 bore.
All i wanted was a chance to be normal.

>>40763822
why did you refer to me as a guy? you were always so affirming and kind and told me i passed

>>40764316
I didn't? When or where have I? Which anon are you?

>>40764319
in bigen

been working hard on trying to get my HRT back after a long break
found out it might be impounded and returned
i'm so tired i don't know why i have to risk prison rape to get basic medical care

Gonna try and catch up, bit by bit..
>>40764328
I don't post on bigen, Anon.
>>40735624
Ah, that makes sense then!
>but kids often prefer using the UHUs because of the owl
heh, understandably so! I don't know if you know but Uhu is also a type of owl in German, and they tend to be BIG, around 60cm tall.
>yeah. guess it just caught me by surprise, is all.
I definitely get that, I hope talking about it eased your mind a little!

>>40764265
Pls dont reply to this btw. I needed to vent and I'm having a frankly horrible time mentally with the generic shit everyone manages.

>>40739444
>no but I can try
Do go ahead, if you need any help with one of your goals, don't hesitate to ask!
>>40739864
Added!
>>40737580
>>40737612
>>40737629
This is gonna be another multiparter, so strap in!
>Thank you for the long response siganon, I appreciate it.
It's my pleasure, genuinely. I hope some of the things I pointed you towards in the first round were helpful!
>All she does is play Warframe and when we hang out that's all she wants to do
Ah, a friend with very one note interests, got sucked into that particular game. How does she react when you tell her you would like to do something else? What else does she do?
>She also recently went off her meds and has become more emotionally volatile again.
Has she given any reason why? A lot of the time people make the mistake of "I am obviously okay now, I don't need [do thing that made things better] anymore - why are things getting worse?". It's rough to acknowledge such cycles if they happen, or perhaps she has a concrete plan and hopes that after the withdrawal phase wears off she can self regulate better?
Also, it's awesome you made a new friend.
>but then got depressed and the idea of leaving the house feels terrifying.
depression is like that, yeah.. but not leaving the house sadly can feed into depression which in turn will make it harder still. I'm sure FFS will help but of course you will still have to expose yourself to fear/discomfort of going out.
>it makes me feel suffocated and want to push them away.
So you detach when people get too close in friendships and hyper attach in romantic settings. I'm definitely curious if the attachment related resources are gonna be of any help. Can you expand upon those feelings of suffocation? Have you ever looked into AvPD? I can't diagnose people but coping techniques for it might resonate with you. I don't wanna imply you have it just from this though.
(1/3)

>>40737580
>>40737612
>>40737629
>My current environment is safe
That is perfect, and I am glad your best friend helped you out like this. What about the town you live in? Do you generally feel safe there? I ask cause one thing to try is of course to try and meet new people and I wanna make sure that is feasible.
>I often choose someone I think is better than me
Okay, let's start with an exercise. Name admirable traits in other people that you gravitate towards. What I want us to do is examine them, realize a lot of those are learnable skills, and then incorporate some of them into you. You can make things you love about others a permanent fixture of your own person. Become a monument to that which you value in the world. We can't all be surgeons but we can all learn to be kinder, or more patient. We can learn to be silly. You get it.
>Can you go into more detail about this please?
One simple example which may not apply to you is self denial. "I can't go to this party I was invited to, I will just bring the mood down". Sometimes we start imagining what people MIGHT think of us, projecting our own hatred. That can poison our relationships in ways outside the control of the others. We treat imaginary conversations like real ones. That is delulu default human being behavior we kinda have to actively fight.
>she just left me feeling ashamed and diminished
Some therapists really are not cut out for their job, christ. I am sorry.
>The other seemed to not hate me and it made me feel confused
This is very interesting. Fear of the unknown sort of deal? You shouldn't hate yourself for it. It is normal to flee from discomfort. Sadly, sometimes, discomfort is a compass. Brains hate change. Sometimes maximizing discomfort within manageable parameters is important.. and it can help a lot to hear that from someone else, I find.
(2/3)
>>40738529
>The Anxiety Workbook by Bourne. You can find the pdf for free online.
Ohh, that you so much, Santino! I gotta add it to the resources.

Good lord I haven't caught up with last thread just yet and it's already 11.
I think I will take a break soon and continue catching up tomorrow.
>>40737580
>>40737612
>>40737629
(3/3)
>The Borderline Personality Workbook is interesting and I'll talk about it here more as I go through it
I look forward to it!
>I'm sorry for talking so much and I appreciate the effort you gave in your response
I am very, very proud of you for speaking up, Anon. This general is here to help people, you included!
>I want to mend things with them so bad
If there is a specific case that comes to mind I can try hold your hand through it.
>>40739814
>Thanks Sig, at least its nice to know i'm not the only one filled with contempt over online housing applications.
It's a disgusting ordeal, for real. I hope things sort themselves out sooner rather than later for you..
>It Depends on what place we're applying for.
Ah, that type of situation. Honestly I would misappropriate whatever text field they don't narrow down to too few characters to be useful to add context.
>God knows I'm trying.
I believe you, and I know it's hard. If it is particularly hard at particular times of day maybe it's worth considering to sabotage scrolling attempts.
>This was one of the things my husband told me during our mutual cry session.
Hah, feels good to have called it.
>Its kind of funny, I don't like it when he self depricates and insults himself
try this thought: "I shouldn't be mean to someone he loves."
How does it feel?

>>40764265
Not to be overly harsh, you're upset because you think you're going to be inadequate to join the military. Of britain. Probably the best place in the world to get direct firsthand experience of transphobia. And you're doing it in hopes they won't find out about your illegal (no loisense) drug problem.
You're obviously not lazy since you've been working on this for 2 years. Why not try putting that dedication to work on a goal that you don't know in advance will make you miserable?

I think I did catch up actually, what the hell.. if I missed a post, do ping me!
>>40745897
>thus i give up on all thing
what's up, Anon?
Which one are you?
>>40743660
>Okay, I'll try my best to track them down, it's gonna be a while though so I'll try to keep up.
Alright! Take your time, these threads are slow moving fortunately.
>>40750812
>I need a way to veg and destroys after work without shitposting to high heaven on this board.
>Should I take an hour to sit and meditate after work instead? What do you guys do? I know I don’t have the spoons to do anything productive atm.
Meditating is an idea, so are artistic expressions and creative pursuits. I like cooking, though I do it less often atm. Havinf something to fall back on that gives you an "I made this/did this" feeling can help. It can be something passive too, like reading.
>>40756933
>Oh that makes sense. I was afk during the hack and so confused when I tried to type in this website’s url and it was gone.
Yeah it was a mess, I mostly hope people that "graduated" are okay.
>>40764364
It fucking sucks, and I hope it went through. The fact that DIY is so hard to get (the fact that it is needed to begin with) is infuriating.
Do you have any tranner friends in your country you might be able to ask for help?

bump

>>40763605 (OP)
I can’t believe I didn’t make a post in here for one night and the thread died… I think there are way too many shit threads being made on /tttt nowadays pushing the quality slow threads out.

I’ve decided I’m a rad fem, but supportive of trans rights even though I don’t support it theologically people can live however they want as long as it’s not hurting anyone else.

>>40765063
>>40765072
>>40765086
Thank you for the long reply siganon
>How does she react when you tell her you would like to do something else? What else does she do?
She seems disinterested and antsy and when I say I'm going to go, she seems to quickly go back on Warframe after. She has autism so I don't exactly blame her but it's sad. She also talks to her partner and has some VR Chat friends. Before she got into Warframe I would usually watch her play other games or she would show me funny videos that we would have inside jokes about.
>Has she given any reason why? A lot of the time people make the mistake of "I am obviously okay now, I don't need [do thing that made things better] anymore - why are things getting worse?". It's rough to acknowledge such cycles if they happen, or perhaps she has a concrete plan and hopes that after the withdrawal phase wears off she can self regulate better?
She said it made her more emotionally unstable/made it so she got less sleep. She took her first dose again today after I had a heart to heart with her which made me happy. I hope she sticks with it.
>So you detach when people get too close in friendships and hyper attach in romantic settings. Can you expand upon those feelings of suffocation?
Yes, I'm not exactly sure how to put it into words, but it feels the same way as when you feel uncomfortable and scrunch up your shoulders and face and feel your chest tighten. It makes me want to push them away and get away from them.
(1/3)

>>40765063
>>40765072
>>40765086
>Okay, let's start with an exercise. Name admirable traits in other people that you gravitate towards. What I want us to do is examine them, realize a lot of those are learnable skills, and then incorporate some of them into you. You can make things you love about others a permanent fixture of your own person. Become a monument to that which you value in the world. We can't all be surgeons but we can all learn to be kinder, or more patient. We can learn to be silly. You get it.
I like this exercise. One thing that I very much like about the people that I admire is their sense of independence/their lack of needing anyone in life so to say. They're able to emotionally regulate okay on their own, they're capable of being happy on their own (outside of I guess romance), and they're able to handle life on their own. I am very clingy and needy and insecure in a relationship context and have difficulty regulating my emotions and it results in me doing things that feed my self hate.
>One simple example which may not apply to you is self denial. "I can't go to this party I was invited to, I will just bring the mood down". Sometimes we start imagining what people MIGHT think of us, projecting our own hatred. That can poison our relationships in ways outside the control of the others. We treat imaginary conversations like real ones. That is delulu default human being behavior we kinda have to actively fight.
I see what you mean now, a lot of my arguments in relationships are usually just projections of my own insecurities and fears of them abandoning me because of it, despite them not actually saying anything or implying it.
It's difficult to glean even with fact checking, because sometimes it does have root in reality (like me experiencing issues when I go out cause I'm trans) and when I'm having a BPD episode it feels as real as that.
(2/4)

>>40765063
>>40765072
>>40765086
>Have you ever looked into AvPD?
I did a bit and from what I've gleaned, it seems to be people who have a very strong fear and avoidance of of other people and relationships due to low self esteem. I have very low self esteem and very much dislike myself, it's not so much social anxiety. I would say this applies to friendships and things to do with coworkers, but not so much in romance. I'm incredibly clingy in romantic relationships and insecure constantly about how they feel about me or what they think of me.
>I'm definitely curious if the attachment related resources are gonna be of any help.
I don't want to sound dramatic but I'm almost certain my ex who comes on here wrote some of the resources in the OP (at least in the other anons advice part) and it made me go schizo for a bit and so I'm scared to look at the resources in the OP again. She recently blocked me on everything a week ago, long story I don't want to get into but it was bad.
>>What about the town you live in? Do you generally feel safe there?
I live in the suburb of a very friendly lgbt city, but I used to get a fair amount of harassment from people when I left my apartment, I think it's because the suburb I'm in is just north of a very rural area and they come up here for groceries/restaurants/medical services/etc. It's worse in boymode, a fair bit less bad in standard girlmode, and I haven't experienced it yet since being a lot more bold with girlmoding. There's a lot lot lot of LGBT people here though.
(2/4)

>>40765063
>>40765072
>>40765086
>Have you ever looked into AvPD?
I did a bit and from what I've gleaned, it seems to be people who have a very strong fear and avoidance of of other people and relationships due to low self esteem. I have very low self esteem and very much dislike myself, it's not so much social anxiety. I would say this applies to friendships and things to do with coworkers, but not so much in romance. I'm incredibly clingy in romantic relationships and insecure constantly about how they feel about me or what they think of me.
>I'm definitely curious if the attachment related resources are gonna be of any help.
I will, thank you
>>What about the town you live in? Do you generally feel safe there?
I live in the suburb of a very friendly lgbt city, but I used to get a fair amount of harassment from people when I left my apartment, I think it's because the suburb I'm in is just north of a very rural area and they come up here for groceries/restaurants/medical services/etc. It's worse in boymode, a fair bit less bad in standard girlmode, and I haven't experienced it yet since being a lot more bold with girlmoding. There's a lot lot lot of LGBT people here though.
(2/4)

>>40765063
>>40765072
>>40765086
>One simple example which may not apply to you is self denial. "I can't go to this party I was invited to, I will just bring the mood down". Sometimes we start imagining what people MIGHT think of us, projecting our own hatred. That can poison our relationships in ways outside the control of the others. We treat imaginary conversations like real ones. That is delulu default human being behavior we kinda have to actively fight.
I see what you mean now, a lot of my arguments in relationships are usually just projections of my own insecurities and fears of them abandoning me because of it, despite them not actually saying anything or implying it.
It's difficult to glean even with fact checking, because sometimes it does have root in reality (like me experiencing issues when I go out cause I'm trans) and when I'm having a BPD episode it feels as real as that.
>This is very interesting. Fear of the unknown sort of deal? You shouldn't hate yourself for it. It is normal to flee from discomfort. Sadly, sometimes, discomfort is a compass. Brains hate change. Sometimes maximizing discomfort within manageable parameters is important.. and it can help a lot to hear that from someone else, I find.
It gave me the same suffocated wanting to tense up my body feeling as I described becoming close with my friends, and this happens when I'm vulnerable with my emotions. When I'm vulnerable with or feel vulnerable around other people i feel as if they hate me, and if they unabashedly don't, I don't know what to do and it leaves me confused. I'm not sure if I do things to purposefully make them hate me when I feel like this, but it's something I've thought about lately. I worry a lot about my emotions being too much for other people and them abandoning me because of it.
Thank you again for the long reply siganon
(3/3)

>>40766647
also if I'm ever too long or taking too much space please tell me I know my posts are very long and take up a lot of your time and effort.

>do well day 1 of diet
>completely relapse on day 2 and erase all my progress from day 1
>repeat
How do I stop

im sorry for being weak and ugly and just...not really living

>>40763605 (OP)
down 15lbs in 17 days :)
i will not be a whale a year from now if its the last thing i do

>>40765208
I need to continually be achieving things to not feel like a failure and the military is one of the few ways I can do this.
Also I'm quite good at it - mental illness/brainworms aside. The problem is you're really not allowed to not be ""fully transitioned"" while in training. Which simply isnt an option for me currently. And DIY is really not allowed (it's not illegal either but neither is gear and they dont like that either) but that's secondary since I'm going to get on legit HRT as soon as I'm out of training, i just cant have them know I'm trans before then.

The (approximate) role I'm joining is fairly infamous for attracting tranners and filters out the dumbest people so transphobia is less of a concern (British military also a more tolerant place than you'd expect outside of medical rules)

What causes me distress is possibly losing my shot at all of that because I have no other plan and I've invested a lot into this.
>>40766891
Yeah I'd like to know as well, i used to be good at this stuff but with work I just flail helplessly

>>40766891

tell me more about your specific situation and diet, i have a decent bit of experience with doing dieting that works and dieting that doesn't but there's too many things it could be without knowing specifics

>>40765252
>Do you have any tranner friends in your country you might be able to ask for help?

afraid not anon. not much to really be done about but rn but my best and hope they don't catch me sleeping

bump

i took the drug test for my prospective job today even though i probably failed it. at least i did something

I'm scared for a friend of mine, he is aluding he is going to disappear and since he has been on a bad streak for a long time I'm afraid for his life, he isn't letting me close, I'm at a loss on what to do

>>40769311
disappear how

>>40769311
Disappear how?
Pack her things and cut ties or something more bleak?

>>40769345
>>40769349
I'm not sure, I tried asking but he wont talk much about it, as I said he is doing bad, I'm trying to help but I dont know what to do, I think he might mean he will kill himself, he tried before

>>40769356
are you able to get in contact with anyone else he knows?

>>40769400
I think I have his brother number from some time ago, I'm afraid that if I call him it will speed it up or cause a huge mess for him if it wasn't the case.

>>40769468

you can choose to make a mess for him or you can risk him choosing to die
you can't see the future but with the info you have, i would call and at least get a check in on him

bump

I’m gonna try to start posting here, but idk how all you guys can manage long replies that feels like a chore.

>>40763813
Omg it’s the wholesome bunny posting anon
>>40757370
I don’t think watching old VHS footage would help me veg, but I definitely find it interesting. What’s the most interesting thing you’ve seen anon? Have a weird vhs: https://youtube.com/watch?v=MtHGOYgSYc8
>>40766891
Read through links and start posting in >>>/fit/76526991
>>40769309
Doing some thing is always better than doing nothing.

>>40768091
>tell me more about your specific situation and diet
Been trying to lose weight for the better part of 3 or 4 years now, with limited success. My problem is with binge eating. And purging, but that's a separate issues as far as I'm concerned.

Right now I'm only eating every other day, and fasting the other days. The problem is on the days that I eat, I end up binge eating a ridiculous amount.
In the past this diet worked out for me and I almost got down to my goal weight, but then things happened and I gained it all back. I've also tried calorie counting, calorie counting + fasting, and keto, but the results have been all about the same. I keep binging and I don't know how to stop.
I just have this insatiable urge and I can't control it. It's not even hunger, because it goes well past that point. The only "solution" I've found is to just not eat at all.

>>40770780

might be a gut thing? if your gut bacteria is fucked, they can mess with your head to compel you to eat more.

as for tips that aren't that, what do you usually binge on? do you think you can change what you binge on or are you compelled to eat specific stuff?

Pg8

>>40772911
bump

>>40766661
Gonna need a bit longer before I catch up with the thread but before I do in a day or two let me really hammer home that you never, ever, ever take too much space here. This place is not a zero sum game and the fact you reply so thoroughly makes helping you easier. Gold star!

Today I didn't do much. Felt mad at the world a little, then booked some appointments. think I'm out of the danger zone of needing the hospital for my infection now.

>>40764384
>60cm tall
now thats some bird alright. thought the glue was just named after the sounds owls made, thats kind of cool

>>40770711
>idk how all you guys can manage long replies that feels like a chore
most people tap out whenever they need a break or feel too busy, I think. The pressure to reply feels fairly low because we're all sort of aware that everyone's first priority is self-improvement
>don't think it would help me veg
ah bummer, but understandable. got anything you already know works for you, as a point of reference?
>What's the most interesting thing you've seen anon?
Hmm hard to say, really. I feel like saying this one at-home TV shopping segment of a catholic lady selling booster packs of catholic trading cards while speaking in a hushed reverent tone, but there's probably weirder ones I'm forgetting.
>Have a weird
Ey, thanks anon! That sure is Japanese Noise

Christ what a horrible day

I need to quit my job. It's stopping me sticking to my diet because I'm on night shifts, stressed, cold and overeating to compensate from the load.
And it's literally given me knee pain.

Now if the army would actually send me the forms they said they'd send a week ago so I could get my boss to reference for me and dip. I'm convinced my mental health would improve if i quit as well.

horny goodnight bump

>life with gf at my place
>t4t
>not attracted to her at all
>lately developed feelings for someone else
>im financially dependent on current gf because of disability and job market making it impossible to work(hundreds of applications, no responses or turned down)
>breaking up near impossible because she will just refuse the breakup and make a massive scene, will also take all the things she gifted me over the years away
>im extremely desperate for feeling love again and having intimacy
>scared if I do manage to break up I won't find someone else or become homeless
genuinely suicidal over this

Hi /sig/. So earlier this week I watched a video about how being on the internet or your smartphone a lot, especially while you’re doing other things, is literally bad for your brain. It can affect memory, concentration, attention span, etc. I didn’t realize how serious a problem this was. The research is kind of tentative at this point but it’s not looking good.

So I decided to start reducing my screen time immediately. I’m not planning on posting here any less, because I don’t post here constantly and I know posting here has helped me. But I switched from using my smartphone’s notes app to writing in a little notebook. Can’t hurt, right? And prioritizing reading physical books rather than reading on my phone.

I moved some things around in my closet, picked out some more things to get rid of.

I discussed my general future plans with my therapist, to the end of making more concrete future plans eventually and decide how to work toward them.

Pg9

>>40776109
Im in pretty much the opposite situation of you. Dead t4t marriage to a disabled SO who is financially dependent on me. I dont love him anymore, but I worry he will succumb to hopelessness and commit suicide when I finally do go through with it.
You have my deepest sympathies. Its the most horrible feeling to feel you cant end a bad relationship.
From my perspective: If my SO suddenly told me he needed a divorce... Id let him keep everything that was his, to include the funds I set aside for him to go to college. Those were gifts given freely to someone I loved. Even if the well dried up, that doesn't change that he gave me a decade of warmth and support from his own life. I wouldnt be here without him and I want him to be well off and happy - just happy without me...
Maybe your SO is in a similar spot to me. I truly hope so. Hell, a dark part of me kinda hopes that you *are* him, somehow here on 4chan despite knowing nothing about it, so that we can reconcile and move on with our lives. But... youre probably not and we will each have to handle things the hard way.

>>40763605 (OP)
Just got home from a jog, started baking brioches, I’m going to lose all purpose when I lose access to an oven
There’s so much to do and so little time, I’m going to die if I don’t first lose my mind

99 days... 99 days til I kill myself. Its getting close so fast.

>>40776109
>>40776254
You guys are making me feel better about dumping a BPDemon before things got serious. It was great being her “special person” and I know people with disabilities can live relatively normal lives if they have a head on their shoulders, take care of themselves, and have a good support system… but this girl didn’t and I know if I went for it I’d be in the same situation you two are in right now for the rest of my life.

>self-care is painful bcs i have to look at my reflection
sigh

God it's so hard to lock in again after broken your routine (vacation).

>>40780113
Having tried both, I prefer disliking my reflection and noticing positive changes as I take better care of myself to hating my reflection and noticing negative changes from self-neglect.

It’s a “trust the process” situation.

bump 9 page

>>40769468
>>40769520
he stopped answering me, I contacted his brother, I'm sure everything is okay and he will be mad at me later but I'm too scared.

Bump

>>40782111
let us know how it goes

asked for a favour at work today from one of my co workers. this is immense for me

updates tomorrow I think, keep it up everyone

went to the gym 3 times this week, getting sweaty is fun

Went for another jog with the group. Talking to people while moving around has proven to be far more beneficial for me than I thought it would. it feels good to know that I can still talk to people.
my work project is... Well, I guess it's in the final stages of pre-testing before actual testing. I haven't told my parents. my employer is a long time family friend and I'm afraid of their reaction to me accepting a job and ignoring everything else except the jogging group.
unless they already know through him I'll avoid bringing it up. There's no need to invite anyone to yell at me until after the project is done.

>>40785262
<3

>have online friend (i knew as a hrtwink) i talk to daily at some point, in fact id say we were pretty close
>suddenly disappears and goes offline, thinking they just died, so worried about them
>found out they actually moved to be a transbian somewhere
Shits weird bros
In fact would it be weird to reach out and shoot her a message? (assuming it isn't weird to contact them on that xitter/steam account, both were linked) I have no clue what to say really, it's been a while we spoke and I feel like I was just some insignificant internet friend, but I did realise I care about her and well, I'd like to salvage this friendship or at least get closure
I wrote some stuff as a letter in a notepad to lay my thoughts and feelings out but I'm certain that's too cheesy to send to her
Obv I can let it live and let die but I thought to myself "why not"

>>40763605 (OP)
anons how do i be normal and actually enjoy things?
i really wanna finish some anime ive been watching, i have the terrible habit of watching the whole show before the finale and have too many series that i havent watched the ending off, it kills me

instead i did a few hours of programming and just watched vocaloid videos on repeat for hours, and scrolling a bit of 4chinz, ive literally done nothing else today.

i just wanna be able to finish something i enjoy, like the stack of books sitting next to me, or the webcomics, or the anime, or the vidya, or the big pile of half written programs and games. why cant i finish anything. im keeping myself up in the hope i can coach myself into doing something i want to do but im getting tired. it takes no effort on my part to even finish a stupid anime why cant i do it.

judging from op i guess i can do all the normal things if provoked, try to go outside everyday on a nightwalk, was getting excersize at excersize equipment in the park but illness threw me off, can cook for myself but if im alone i usually wait until my blood sugar starts tanking lul

i probably have autism and ADHD or something like that, the vocaloid videos with lots of colors and fast moving graphics does feel like autism bait, and never keeping still usually

I decided i know how I will keep going, ill just let myself go fucking crazy, if i lie to myself constantly and push the right screws i can make my head crumble and nothing will matter i will just will it into being ok, i dont need you anymore YES

I got a job! then today I picked all the weeds out of my garden and cleaned my bathroom+shower
yippee!

should i message you again?

>>40774625
Thank you siganon, I really appreciate it. I worry a lot about being too needy.
>>40788548
>>40789092
Please reach out to a friend that's not them anon, I've been where you are and you will regret messaging them again. Whatever you can do, meditate, eat, something anything to distract yourself. Please get help if you feel yourself becoming delusional or wanting to hurt yourself.

broke out of my manmoding induced mental spiral. terrified that my meds are gonna get impounded by customs and they're gonna arrest me and i'll be a man with tits in a prison.
on the plus side, did my laundry and cleaning today. think i'lll manage somehow.

I’m kinda struggling but I don’t know why

>>40774870
>didn't do much
>Felt mad at the world
>then booked some appointments
I do the first two then forget to do the last one. Glad you didn’t need to be hospitalized.
>veg
I took a shower for like 3h to decompress today before killing my diet. Not the end of the world and I’m not doing as bad as I was last year, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
>>40775444
That was me a few years back. I’m only now starting to lose the weight from the stress of that stupid desk job.
>>40779034
I was gonna kill myself at one point in time and said fuck it and just up and disappeared instead. Packed everything up in my car and left for another state. Struggled a bit and had to live in my car till I figured something out, but probably the best thing I’ve ever done. Just catch a bus out of state anon and don’t look back.
>>40780113
True :(
>>40785478
This makes me want to join a jogging group. That’s so wholesome. I’m glad it’s good for you. Good luck on your project thing.

>>40790763
Getting on a bus means abandoning two kids and likely leaving them homeless. If Im going to abandoned them either way, I might as well leave them with a $500K life insurance payout (that does cover suicide).

weekend!!

>>40790300
you wont get arrested for grey market medication, the worst ive ever seen someone happen is threats of fines if they keep doing it or a letter

>>40791611
99.9% of life insurance policies will be disqualified if you kill yourself even if it doesn’t specifically state suicide. I think there are some exceptions through small business ones being sold to employers through the workplace. But that’s not what it’s intended for and considered insurance fraud so your kids are going to get nothing unless you can make it like an accident. Insurance covers stupid, but not intentional actions that result in injury.

>>40793846
Indeed.

I really gotta follow up with this place again this weekend, a lotta stuff has been going down yet it has yielded very little progress unfortunately.

>>40794381
Mine specifically specifies that suicide qualifies after a certain amount of time on the policy. It is because of the high stress nature of the job it's attached to - suicide is considered a realistic work hazard.

>>40794662
What kinda job do you have?

>>40794681
Id rather not say. Its not mega relevant since Im losing my job and that's a huge part of my ideation.

An update I didn't want to make, but his brother found him. I don't even know what to do with myself right now.

>>40765874
I know that feeling all too well, it sucks but I am a persistent fucker and having made these threads since 2022 fills me with confidence that we can keep them sustained for many more years.
>>40765893
Personally, when pressed I am more of a fan of stuff like the categorical imperative but in the end I am just glad you are supportive of tranners.
>>40766551
>>40766636
>>40766647
>Thank you for the long reply siganon
A pleasure! Did I ever ask you what to call you, btw?
>She seems disinterested and antsy
That's a shame, I guess the only remaining option to sweeten that deal for her (I can think of) is to try and push a thankfulness/emotional impact angle. Explaining that she made you happy doing that, and that you appreciate her humoring you. If that does nothing for her I'm out of ideas though. Glad she is back on meds! If she notices side effects she finds undesirable it might be good for her to talk to her psychiatrist to see what can be done about it, though.
>It makes me want to push them away and get away from them.
I think this is worth exploring! Have you ever tried to, rather than push away, take an announced break and see if the feeling subsides? The reason I ask is because it is reasonably likely we can wear down this discomfort by exposing you to it in regular, manageable doses. We might figure how to get to the bottom of it, or even just erode it out of existence. Again, the discomfort compass can be read both ways.
>I live in the suburb of a very friendly lgbt city,
This is perfect, and I am glad that girlmoding took care of .. would it be mean to call the past harassment "hick exposure"?
>There's a lot lot lot of LGBT people here though.
Overall, AWESOME! So it would at the very least be very doable to find people with common ground. Are there places around where you think you'd find people with shared interests? Libraries, games stores, etc sometimes do events after all, for example.
(1/2)

>>40766551
>>40766636
>>40766647
(2/2)
Having met peeps with BPD before I find that the fear of being hated seems to be very common, yeah.. I'm afraid the workbook will be much more useful than I in that regard but I can tell you what it is like from the other side of the conversation, if you want. I am not sure if what I am about to say will be good advice but, overall, my lived experiences suggest that almost nobody will ever actually hate you. I am not prone to anger but when I get upset I flare up for a timespan of minutes before factory resetting. I usually don't even remember after a bit. From the outside it can be very scary with that fear of being hated, but my inner world is actually very simple in that regard, I am extremely reactive. I wouldn't voice anger towards people I hate. I wouldn't spend time with them at all, ever, if I could help it.
>>40770780
>>40766891
I would advise you to try, just to get into the groove, a strict almost 0 deficit diet. Compute your TDEE and, for a week, try to count calories such that you meet your target with a 250kcal deficit or so. Drink lots, and try to go to bed early. I understand that binging makes this hard, meal prep might help since it makes you eat defined portions but it depends on your specific living circumstances and your willingness to do spreadsheet autism and cooking. We also have ED resources, including some workbooks and things specifically related to binge and purge cycles.

>>40766897
Hey A, it's alright. We're here for one another, even if things stall. Tell me what's up.
>>40766969
Oh that's quite a lot, Anon! Is it okay if I ask what your current BMI is, roughly?
What kinda diet are you going with? Hope you don't mind the questions but I always wanna make sure everyone has a sustainable experience with weight loss.
>>40768091
That fucking sucks, I wish I could be of much help in such circumstances other than wish you all the best and hope you get to network with people either on or offline to make it easier. Are you out to anyone?
I dunno if it can mean much from an online stranger but I am rooting for you.
>>40769309
I'm proud of you, Anon. Did you hear back from 'em?
>>40770711
Don't worry too much, Anon. Long posts (be it rants, context to let people help you with specifics of your situation, or in my case, autismo responses to people) are not mandatory at all. I just use them a lot because i try to give thorough replies if I can help it.
What kinda goals bring you here? Or would you just like to vibe with us?

>>40774870
I am glad you are recovering a bit, shinjinon.
>thought the glue was just named after the sounds owls made, thats kind of cool
I know right, it's kinda neat that the German word is onomatopoetic like that. And they BIG.
>>40775411
What's up?
>>40779034
I read the part about your job and your two kids. I know you can't be fully transparent ITT but can you tell me more about your circumstances? I am sure you are here for a reason.
>>40776109
This is incredibly difficult.. can you tell me more about your partner, in particular her willingness to explode on you like that? What is she like normally?
>>40776254
>The research is kind of tentative at this point but it’s not looking good.
Frankly it reflects my lived experience. I had a smartphone for only a few years, I got one exclusively for work reasons 3-4 years ago and honestly I will get rid of it eventually.
I wish you all the best in your unplugging pursuits!
Also, holy shit New-PSG goes hard. Really like how Panty and Stocking bounce of Scanty and Kneesocks. And my god the show has gotten even cruder than it was way back when. It's fun!

>>40778266
>There’s so much to do and so little time, I’m going to die if I don’t first lose my mind
If you wanna talk about it, we are here. You're also encouraged to tell me more about your baking though, I'm honestly jelly. This apartment has no oven you see..
>>40780131
I know that feel, I gotta kick myself into gear and get cooking again next week. What's your broken habit?
>>40780113
You have my sympathy, Anon.. dysphoria or something else?
>>40783962
That IS a massive win, Anon! I'm proud of you. I don't have social anxiety but even I struggled with this a great deal several times in my career. You did the right thing.
>>40785291
It is, and I miss it, gosh.

i need to gain weight ugh

>>40785478
I'm so happy to hear you are having a good time with people, Shinjinon! It's also lovely that your project is going smoothly to boot.
>unless they already know through him I'll avoid bringing it up. There's no need to invite anyone to yell at me until after the project is done.
And yes, it's the most diplomatic approach honestly. Or at least, the one with the least friction. I would do the same.
>>40796075
If you want we can try and build a diet for you. Our weight loss calculators (resource paste) work in reverse too, wanna try them? Just compute BMI and TDEE, pick a target, and we can discuss what works for you.
>>40788548
Is the person you are talking about posting ITT?
>>40786117
>found out they actually moved to be a transbian somewhere
Good on her, but still, what a disappearing act.
>In fact would it be weird to reach out and shoot her a message?
Not in the slightest, honestly.
>I did realise I care about her and well, I'd like to salvage this friendship or at least get closure
Well then exactly that honestly! You can open up with the fact that she suddenly disappeared and acknowledge she might have had her reasons, but I don't think there is a need to soften the blow too much so to say. No harm at all in trying. I find it rad you already started drafting, it's what I would have recommended you to anyway.
>>40788869
Well done, Anon! Congratulations, Anon! I'm happy for you. And you even did some chores I really tend to procrastinate a lot myself, props to that!

>>40769311
>>40795594
Sorry to only chime in now, but I am deeply, deeply sorry for this nightmarish situation you have found yourself in. Please, whatever you do right now, don't retreat into yourself now. I am sorry for your loss. We are here if you want to talk. Tell us about him, his brother, anything you want.
>>40788519
One thing I do with half watched shows on Crunchyroll is that I make a numbered list and have an RNG spit out a number in that range for me. Then I force myself to watch an episode of that show no matter what. I groan and am upset at first but I do end up getting into it after the first minute or two.
>i probably have autism and ADHD or something like that, the vocaloid videos with lots of colors and fast moving graphics does feel like autism bait, and never keeping still usually
You might wanna look into our ADHD resources. We also have stuff on planning for neurotypicals (like SMART goals), browse our stuff a bit and see if something resonates with you.
>>40790300
I'm glad to hear. Manmoding hell seems to be a painful experience.. I don't think they will throw the book at you for something this minor though. happy to hear you did the laundry, you might motivate me to follow your example!
>>40794433
>I really gotta follow up with this place again this weekend, a lotta stuff has been going down yet it has yielded very little progress unfortunately.
Take your time Anon, we're around.

>>40796280
I'm just at a loss, I cant believe it still, I feel so guilty, have you ever went trough something like this? you seem to always know something about something, what the fuck do I do now?

>>40796322
Know several who attempted, witnessed several such attempts play out and barely stalled or distracted them by sheer luck. I also have friends who have been in your exact shoes. There's many things I could tell you now, right now, I gotta tell you one thing first and foremost, the thing everyone will tell you and the thing that will take you time and effort to accept. It is not your fault. You did not fail him, you alarmed his brother, you kept talking to him for as long as he let you. You did it by the book, everything else was not in your hands. The most, most, MOST important thing YOU need to do is what you are doing right now: speaking up about your pain and lean on people. As many as you can. Do not worry about being a burden. This is general advice for dealing with death. I would have gone insane on my own after having seen the life leave my mom's eyes in her last moments this year. I told many of my friends. They kept me sane. I would have crumbled alone.

I am not doing well

>>40797268
Same. As long as you don't hate me anon, I hope you feel better.

>>40795976
I cant say much of anything about my situation - Ive already said probably too much and there are people on this board who would get an ambulance to my front door if they spotted me.
My situation is hopeless. Job market is shit. Too much debt. No love in my life. Ostracized anyone and everyone I could ever hope to truly lean on. Truly and utterly alone. Everything is too much all the time. So depressed I can barely do more than the bare minimum while the daily clock ticks down another day towards the destined day. Every route I could take out has drawbacks that are just to big. The best most "happiest" end for me involves me toiling without love or support until my body gives out and dies anyways. Every other remotely reasonable window has closed. - and all of the unreasonable doors are slowly closing as well until all that will be left is the revolver on my nightstand.
Transitioning was the break point for me. I awakened to my despair and became so crippled by it that I was unable to make decisions. I built a fucking guilded cage of misery and by the time I woke up to live my life, I was entombed. With enough grit I could have kept that cage tolerable, but now I yearn for freedom that will never come and love that will never be. My paralysis caused everything to fall apart and now the only thing standing between the only good things to ever come out of my miserable fucked up life and maybe having a shot at not growing up on the streets is a single bullets and a scrawled letter about how my job drove me over the ledge permanently.
I dont know why Im here. I cant improve. Maybe a desperate plea to the vast empty that some angel will spare me. Maybe because I need to scream it out somewhere just to keep myself from tasting lead right now.
You dont have to try to save me. Its okay to ignore me and let me scream. Thats what everyone does anyways.

>>40798878
Thanks anon. I’m doing a little bit better now. I’m tired. I’m tired of this life.

im getting really depressed again I think. wish i had something to keep me going. if any autismo depression sig anons want to chat & try to help each other later on discord or here i might be up for it. i think feeling like no one knows me and nothing i do matters is contributing a lot to making me feel stuck

>>40796322

i'm sorry nona. you did what you reasonably could have. a loss to suicide is always brutal. stay close with your friends and family. Fully agreed with siganon here.

>>40798972
Killing yourself will fuck up your kids more than finding some way to keep going

>>40796280
>I'm glad to hear. Manmoding hell seems to be a painful experience.. I don't think they will throw the book at you for something this minor though. happy to hear you did the laundry, you might motivate me to follow your example!

cheering you on, siganon

gonna make some posts today as soon as I can

>>40795976
>Also, holy shit New-PSG goes hard. Really like how Panty and Stocking bounce off Scanty and Kneesocks.
I agree, the Demon Sisters being relatively competent antagonists in season one was good, but having them live with Panty and Stocking and lowering the stakes of their differences creates storytelling opportunities that weren’t possible before.

I made some cornflake brittle with sesame seeds, per your suggestion. Also, last week I turned my bed on its side and vacuumed under it for the first time in the year or so this has been my room. I moved and vacuumed under some furniture in my dad’s bedroom for the first time since my family moved in here a couple of years ago.

I’m planning on getting a physical egg timer next month and logging screentime in a notebook.

bump

>>40800763
Believe me, I know that, but I can no longer envision a future where I live.

>>40795862
im just ao tired of all things goign agianst me and me not being allowed to enjoy good things, having to look behind my bakc constantly, not ebin able to even think withnout somehting goin wrong and generally just being MISERABLE due to my own...dperession? laziness? Idk what! I go work i xcome home and things never change and life goes on and whe I I get a day or two of peace i get shit onagain!!!
IM TIRED! of it all. I just wanna calm down

>>40803005
I love the demon sisters, they're a treat.
I'm kinda happy with the new season so far too, the animation is pretty solid.

>>40763605 (OP)
Whelp, this week was both stressful and unproductive.
I really gotta get my own place one day and get my actual life started.
Need to start drawing again too.
I can't keep drifting around place to place for another five years, I need to at least pretend I have a life worth organising.

I gotta catch up on a few messages in the previous threads, but that shouldn't be as hard if I just pay a bit more attention.

At least my travel Visa is settled for now, gotta organise I flight where I won't spend too much cash but at least things are cleared up now.
I miss my family a ton but my country sucks.

Hopefully I can get my sleep schedule under control as well, it's been very wack lately.

>>40763813
I'll try to, thank you kindly.

>>40770711
I try to post them since I need some more positive imagery in my life ;3

More updates on my life eventually, gotta get some sleep again.

>>40763822
>rest well!
I'll try to, thank you kindly.

(Sorry, got my posts mixed up again >>40804560)

goodnight bump